A/N: I'm sorry in advance for the long-assness of this chapter. It's like 15K. I mean, holy fucking Jezebel. How did it get that long?!
Love,
Blue
TW: MENTIONS OF NON-CON, RAPE, AND DRUG ABUSE in this chapter that may be triggering!
Raising the Barre
CHAPTER TEN: The Story of Us
Derek knocked heavily on the skinny wooden door over and over again in as frantic a state as he could summon.
He needed to get inside.
He needed to tell Spencer how he felt.
After hearing the Great Stabbing Story from Emily, Derek was in divine haste to change their fates. No matter how bad things get, Derek knows he'll never stab Spencer—hell, Jordan was living proof that a significant other couldn't bring him to homicide. But, he has no knowledge that Spencer won't pull out a sharp one and make Derek bleed if things don't go his way. He doesn't know this man. Spencer could just be a really, really cute ex-con, or sociopath, or serial killing drug dealer.
Derek pounded harder and the door suddenly opened. A topless bearded man with kind brown eyes, a blindfold loose around his neck, and a sweating Bud in his hand gave Derek a strange look, "Where's the fire, mah man—oh, yew mus' be Derek."
Derek gave the strange look back, "And you are..."
The bearded man smiled, holding out his dry hand, "Ethan."
Derek's heart dropped to his feet and he's pretty sure his face fell too. The guy's actually kind of hot in a fuzzy, loose, college professor sort of way. Derek wouldn't do him, but Spencer would. Well, he did apparently for a good while. And, of course, Ethan's blindfolded, drinking a beer at Spencer's place with his shirt off, because it's totally cool. They're buds. They aren't fucking anymore. Right? Because guys usually walk around half naked in their ex's apartment.
He took the offered hand, "Yeah, hi. You're right. I'm Derek. Spencer's dance partner."
Ethan grasped the hand and shook it with a bigger smile on his face, pulling Derek in for a sudden man-hug and clap on the back, "Hey, thank God yer 'ere. I was tryna rope that sorry bast'rd into watchin' the Lakers game, an' he won't budge. I could use the extra 'partment vote."
Derek nodded slowly, easing away from the creepily friendly stranger, "Okay…"
Ethan guided him into the house, closing the door behind him, "Hey, man, you wan'a beer?"
Derek nodded once more, "Okay…"
Ethan disappeared into the kitchen and Derek heard the refrigerator open. Well, this guy was very smiley. And very shirtless. Derek raised his chin a bit, not at all uncomfortable with it. If they were doing a topless thing over here, that was fine with him. Derek has a great body. He should know. He's spent a decent amount of time sculpting it and even more maintaining it. He's nowhere near as spindly as that guy. Derek nearly rolled his eyes as those words crossed his mind. "Spencer's ex"… ugh. Derek thinks he should just hate him on principle, even though the dude did nothing to him but invite him in and offer him a beer.
Whatever. Derek's still on guard. There's no way he's going to get his little love declaration in today with friggen Ghost of Boyfriend's Past over here walking around with his sexy Deep South accent like "Remember meeeee?". Dick.
Ethan popped back into the room, shoving the chilled can in Derek's hand, "So, what's up, mah man? What's goin' on?"
Derek leaned against the door and punched open the cap with his thumb, twanging out, "Nothing much. Just wanted to ask Spencer something… I can come back later for that though… it seems I should."
Ethan laughed loudly, "Wuh? Cuz I'm 'ere? Man, don't worry 'bout it. I won't be in you guys's little 'dancer space'. I understan' it's a sacred connection and shit."
"I hear you, you fucker! You're close! I know it!" Spencer walked warily into the room with his hands out, searching, and a piece of fabric over his eyes. Oh, great. He was also topless. And pantless. In a pair of boxers, an open cardigan, and one sock. No. No, no, no. While the sight of Spencer nearly naked in front of him without a shirt on for the first time ever was welcomed this was clearly not the context he was hoping for.
Ethan glanced over at Spencer and whispered to Derek, "We're playin' Naked Hide and Seek."
Derek blinked rapidly, "N-naked Hide and Seek?"
Ethan shrugged, "Yeah, it's based off this show on… well… main point is tuh win the game over and over again, 'cause every time someone find yew, yew lose an article 'a clothin'."
Derek glanced back at Spencer, "God, look at him. He's shit at it. This guy layers like an eskimo."
Ethan cackled, "I know, right! It's hilarious. Check this out." Ethan shouted and waved, "Hey, Dumbass! I'm over 'ere!"
Spencer made a face and stuck his hands out in front of him, clearly headed in the wrong direction, "I'm gonna get you this time. I swear!"
Ethan yelled, "Yah almos' got me! Oh, no!"
Spencer grinned and he bumped into a chair, his knees getting tangled up in the legs as he toppled to the ground, "God, fuck you, Ethan!"
Ethan laughed and pointed, "Man, yew suck. Gimmie the sock."
"I'm not giving you the damn sock! You knew I would bump into the chair, you freak," Spencer growled, ripping the cloth over his eyes and looking right up at Derek. He blinked and his jaw dropped. Then the blushing started, "Oh… fuck. Derek! You're in my kitchen! You're... in my kitchen..." Spencer grabbed at the hanging tablecloth and covered his chest, waving his hands around as he scrambled up and explained, "This is not what it looks like!" Spencer wrapped his arms around his slender body, dropped the tablecloth, and scampered out of the room through the hallway, "I can explain, I swear! Let me get clothes on! I promise you, I'm not fucking him. I swear. This looks so bad!"
Derek watched the whole spectacle with a confused tilt of his head. He looked over at Ethan and the bearded man shrugged, "He's always been a spaz. Jus' let him get it outta his system."
Before Derek could respond, Spencer was stumbling back into the room with a baggy pair of grey sweatpants barely fitting his hips as he shoved a blue sweatshirt over his rumpled haired head, "We were playing a game, I swear. I know it's weird, but I wasn't expecting company. I'm sorry you had to see that I just… I'm sorry."
Derek raised his eyebrows and gestured toward himself, "Why are you apologizing to me? It's not I'm your boyfriend or something."
Spencer shrugged, "I don't know. I just didn't want you to think Ethan and I were still involved, because he's married, and it would be wrong, and I mean… come on. Look at him and look at you. Major downgrade."
Ethan made a face, "Hey!"
Derek continued, "Well, I showed up unexpected. I really should have called."
Spencer shrugged him off, "Ethan hid my phone. It wouldn't have done anything."
Ethan pulled Spencer's dated flip phone out of his back pocket and tossed it at him.
Spencer caught it, "Well… it would have now."
Derek shifted uncomfortably.
"Anyway," Spencer waved his hand between the two bearded men in his kitchen, "Derek, meet Ethan; my best friend, confidant, and ex-lover."
Derek raised his hand in greetings, "Hi."
Spencer finished, "Ethan, meet Derek; my dance partner, friend, and fuck buddy."
Ethan added, "Fuck buddies? Yeah, that's gonna end great."
Spencer rolled his eyes, "Brilliant contribution, Ethan David, brilliant. Unparalleled. Too bad I don't give a shit."
Ethan picked up a sponge from the sink behind him and lobbed it at Spencer, hitting him square in the chest, "Shut up, dick."
Spencer caught it at his waist and tossed it back, missing the throw, "Make me, jerk!"
"Look at that 'orrible aim! Yew throw like a girl, which is prob'ly why yer so damn loud in bed," Ethan turned to him and gestured at Spencer, "Dude's shrill as fuck. Makes you wanna invest in earplugs. So not worth the lay, mah man."
Spencer gasped, "Take that back!"
Ethan continued, "Beware, D'rek, his love noises are sum weird-ass mix of a Chihuahua in heat and a woman goin' through natural labor."
Spencer glanced at Derek, "He's lying."
Ethan mimicked him, making cheesy moaning noises, "Uh! Uh! Harder! Yes, oh, my God!"
"Fuck you!" Spencer rushed over and smacked a hand over his mouth with one hand, hitting his arm repeatedly with the other. Ethan started to laugh from behind the hand and before seconds passed, Spencer shoved him away and joined in with his chuckles.
Derek blinked, "Okay?"
And that's how NFL's MVP Derek Morgan of the Chicago Bears ended up on the couch watching Hell's Kitchen next to the man of his dreams and a half naked, snoring Music professor. Derek paused and glanced over at Spencer as Gordan Ramsay yelled at someone for putting too much grease in the fryer. Or too many fries in the greaser—Derek couldn't tell at this point. The dancer had his bare feet up on the couch and laughed as the man screamed into the girl's face.
Derek gulped and started to speak, "Spence—"
"Shh!" Spencer hurried, reaching over with one hand to press his finger against Derek's mouth with his eyes glued to the screen, "TV...oh, wow."
Spencer reached over and replaced his finger with his lips for a quick kiss, pushing his face away with a solid pat, "Mmm, I'll never get tired of those lips."
Derek paused as Spencer leaned back against the couch, laughing at the scene as Gordon threw something in anger. Derek blinked. Okay, so he got kissed. But, he still has to wait. That's fine. All he has to do it be patient until the commercial comes on. Any other time, commercials would take centuries to come, but it seemed to flicker across the telly at the speed of light. And there Derek was. Beside Spencer with the words 'how about we do this for real', 'be my man', 'choose me' and 'I want you' all on the tip of his tongue. But, of course, there was no way those words were going to force their way out of Derek's mouth.
He opened it and then closed it, doing a fairly genius impression of a fish before breathing out, "So… Spencer."
The dancer turned, all big brown eyes, a supple pink lipped smile, and fuzzy curls, "Yep?"
Spencer's beauty has once again bitchslapped him. Hard. The words as expected fell out of Derek's mouth in a pile of stutters and unintelligible sounds, "Uhh..."
Spencer laughed and rolled his eyes, "Dude, stop playing with me and hand me the chips."
Derek nodded and cursed himself, biting his lips and grabbing the bag of Doritos in shame.
Spencer reached for the bag and Derek pulled the bag back, "I came here to tell you something."
"No shit, I thought you came here for the view. Chips…" Spencer replied, hands still making small grabbing motions toward the Cool Ranch.
Derek pulled the bag back further, "I… I just wanted to say. I—I wanted to say that I think that… I think that we—we being you and I—should maybe… you know… it would be great if you considered us being…"
Spencer dropped his hands into his lap and his face drew serious, "Considered us being what?"
Derek shrugged and scratched behind his ear, "Man, I don't know. It was dumb. How about we forget I said anything?"
Spencer raised his hand in disagreement, "No, no. You wanted to speak. I respect that. What was it?"
"I was just saying that maybe…" Derek mumbled, "youcouldbemyboyfriendorsomethingidon'tknow…"
Spencer narrowed his eyes, leaning toward him, "I didn't get that."
Derek growled out, "Jesus Christ! Screw the rules, man. Screw that dumb agreement! I can't take it anymore. I really like you! Fucking date me, dude!"
Spencer blinked, "Date you? Why?"
Derek shrugged, "I don't know. You like kissing me. You like talking to me. You like dancing with me. Hell, I think you may like me."
Spencer folded his arms, "Don't flip this around. You're the one who's asking me out."
Derek clenched his jaw, "What? You don't like me?"
Spencer said unflinchingly, "Quite the contrary, I adore you. That doesn't mean I should throw caution to the wind and give you a title."
Derek's lip twitched in a small smile and he spoke out, "You adore me?"
Spencer glared, "Don't get cocky."
Derek asked, "Then why not go for it?"
Spencer slowly became more reserved, pushing his hair behind his ear nervously, "… I'm… I don't know, a little gunshy. I've been down the relationship road before and strictly sex… it's not as messy. Nothing gets broken. Hearts or… other things. You get me?"
Derek paused, "… wow. Someone really must have done you wrong."
Spencer scoffed, "Someone? More like everyone. No offense, but I can't trust you. Not like that. Not yet."
Derek smiled a bit, "I get what you're saying."
Spencer sighed shakily and shifted to curl up at Derek's side, "Sorry for being such a weirdo. I just need time, you know? It's been what? Three weeks? You're a stranger."
Derek added, "Nearly four."
"A month!" Spencer chuckled, "Whoa. Stop the world. I wanna get off."
Derek wiggled his eyebrows, "You wanna get off?"
Spencer laughed and shoved into Derek's side, "I didn't mean it like that."
Derek asked, "So, you don't want to get off?"
Spencer pushed his hair behind his ear and looked up at Derek, "Well, that's just plain false…"
Derek looked Spencer over, "Do you want to get off… with me?"
Spencer blushed and stammered, "Well, duh. I mean, come on. Who would blame me? Look at you. Jesus. You're like a fucking sex god. What are you doing? Existing like that. It's a pain in the ass!"
Derek chuckled at him, "Whoa! Sex god?"
Spencer whimpered and pushed his face into Derek's chest, "Mmm, I just want to curl up and die. Right here. Against your abs."
Derek laughed, "You're right. You are a weirdo."
Spencer murmured something else quietly, wrapping his arms around Derek and looking up at him, "So, you're not mad at me for turning you down?"
Derek shook his head, "No way. I get your point. I'm sorry for trying to rush you. Emily just told me this story about her side-guy stabbing her, so I had to run over and change our fates."
Spencer mumbled against his shirt, "And you call me weird."
Derek shrugged and wrapped an arm around Spencer, "Yes, I do. And I—"
"Wait!" Spencer let his hand trail up and down Derek's stomach lazily as he said into his shirt, "Me and your abs are having a moment. A beautiful, sexy moment."
Derek chuckled, "I'll give you a time to collect your thoughts then."
Spencer smiled, rubbing his face into the cloth, "Why do you even wear these? Shirts. They're pointless things, really. An ancient technology the human race has created to make us feel as if our bodies are private and uncouth to show, when in all actuality, they're quite extraordinary in their uniqueness. There is no reason we should be afraid to be who we are! We should express ourselves with nudity! These are our cells, our genetic make up and we should be damn proud of them!"
"Nice thesis, Doctor," Derek asked with a flirty smile he knew Spencer couldn't see.
Spencer chuckled, "In conclusion, you should take off your shirt. For science. And because I want to lick your chest like a starving man would lick an empty plate of food… but mostly for science."
Derek laughed out, "You one-track minded son of a bitch. In how many languages are you going to ask me to sleep with you until you feel shame?"
Spencer looked up at Derek with large, brown eyes as he whispered in a husky voice, "Deberías dejarme tocar tu pene."
Derek winked, "I don't know what you just said to me, but whatever it was, I liked it."
Spencer chuckled deeply, "Oh, Derek, trust. You will. Now what was it you were saying before your abs and I so rudely interrupted you?"
Derek shrugged, "Nothing really. I was just going on and on about how much I like you, and even though we spend ridiculous amounts of time together, I wish we had more so that I could spend it all in your presence. You know, garbage."
Spencer furrowed his brow, "That's one thing I just don't understand about you. You're so cool, and suave, and sexy. You could have anyone you want. Why me?"
Derek shrugged, "Why not you?"
Spencer replied, "You have no idea who I am. Other than the fact that I smack you around six days a week, and the masochist in you gets off on it."
Derek let out a smile, "You're right. I don't know you that well. That's why I want to date you. So, I'll get to know you."
Spencer nuzzled back against Derek's chest, "You won't like what you find."
Derek replied, "The more you delve into me, man, neither will you. But I'm asking… try me."
Spencer glanced up at Derek and pressed his face into the baller's neck, "Maybe."
Derek spoke with a small grin as Spencer kissed at the skin under his jaw, "Ooh, do I have to earn it?"
Spencer chuckled into Derek's neck, kissing it tentatively once more, "Mmm, yeah."
"Okay. Okay, I can deal with that. Just a little warning though…" Derek wrapped his arm tighter around Spencer and buried his nose into Spencer's hair, "I'm an overachiever."
Spencer burst into a laugh, moving a hand up over his mouth to hide his beaming grin, "Oh, wow."
Derek shook his head, "Don't cover that smile. It's my favorite thing about your laugh. You show like all your teeth, kid, who does that?"
Spencer looked up at him from behind his hand, still laughing, a small nasal snorting surprising them both.
Derek added, "And the geeky snort. It's kind of cute."
Spencer rolled his eyes as his laughter started to quell. He wrapped his arms tighter around Derek's waist, "Nobody likes the snort, dude. Why are you acting so nice?"
Derek shrugged, "Well, it's all an elaborate ploy to get in your pants. I've been lying to you all this time. My name isn't even Derek. It's Bonquisha Sharise."
Spencer chuckled and shoved at Derek's shoulder, "I knew it. You never really looked like a 'Derek'."
Derek grinned, "Aww, damn. Better work on my bluffing."
Spencer laughed, "Shut up and kiss me."
Derek winked, "That can be arranged."
Spencer closed his eyes and Derek looked down at the man leaning against his chest, so warm and pliant in his arms as he waited for Derek to reach over and kiss him. He let his hand fall to Spencer's pale cheek and leaned forward, capturing those pillowy pink lips in a soft, slow kiss. Derek felt Spencer's shoulders slowly fall. He wasn't expecting that. Then again, Spencer never really expects what happens—he's often surprised by life. Not always pleasantly surprised, Derek's afraid. But, now… it seems as if he is.
Pulling his lips from Derek's, he opened his eyes slowly, breath ghosting against Derek's mouth as he spoke, "I thought it was just your lips at first. Like maybe they were special or something, but it's not that. It's just... no one… no one's ever kissed me like you kiss me. I can't explain it, but, it just feels different when you do it. Good different, I mean."
"Do you mean like this?" Derek kissed him once more, brushing his thumb under Spencer's eye soothingly.
Spencer breathed with a smile, "Yeah. Like that. No one kisses me like that."
Derek touched his forehead to Spencer's, "Well, I don't kiss no one else like that. Why? Is it a bad thing?"
Spencer closed his eyes, "No… it's perfect."
Derek smiled softly back at him.
Spencer continued, "It feels like… ah, man, I don't know. It just feels like everything I need right now, it feels right. Does that make any sense?"
Derek nodded, "Yeah. I'm feeling it too."
Spencer reached up to push his hair behind his ear and Derek pushed it back for him, leaning forward to close the space between them. The dancer reached up and wrapped his arms around Derek's neck, pulling him closer. The kiss transformed into something slow building and hot and lazy and sweet. Their bodies collided and Spencer swung a leg over Derek's to straddle him, hands clasped on Derek's jaw as they kissed, refusing to part their lips. Derek placed his hands respectfully at Spencer's hips, and Spencer let out a soft squeak at the touch, chuckling to himself before diving back into the kiss. Derek raised one hand to bury in Spencer's hair and the dancer moaned softly into his lips before pressing himself closer. Kid his the nail on the head back there. Derek doesn't kiss anyone like this. But, then again, no one kisses him back like Spencer does. All slow, yet passionate, yet full of energy. It's intoxicating.
The hand Derek left at Spencer's hip was slowly traveling downward, making a tentative journey to his ass. Derek prayed he'd make it there. Spencer, handsy little bastard, was running his fingers down Derek's chest, shoulders, back, neck, face. Two more inches to his ass. Two and a half… two and three quarters…
Spencer pulled his knees into the couch, locking their hips and grinding a little. Oh, alright. Now, they usually make out like teenagers in Tristan's bathroom, but this was kind of new. Not that Derek's bitching about it, and Spencer's definitely far from starting a complaint box. Derek starting tugging on Spencer's curls and his hand was so close to that ass. Nearly there. Barely even an inch left. Downward… downward… yes! Sweet cushiony perfection! He squeezed a little, reveling in the fact that Spencer wasn't pushing him away from this beautiful, beautiful ass. Derek nearly chuckled in glee.
Derek felt like he needed something to remember this landmark event by. His hand was on Spencer's butt. Fucking success. And it was a nice butt too. Real nice. Felt as good as it looked. He can die happy at this point. Derek felt Spencer smile against his lips and it was like the dancer was reading his mind. Yeah, so what? His goal was to cop a feel. Get at him.
Derek felt something kick against his leg testily, "Are yew two flamin' homosexuals tongue fuckin' each other while I'm still on the couch?"
"Deal with it, jerk," Spencer moved his lips from Derek briefly before placing them back against his and moaning comically.
Derek laughed into the kiss, placing both of his hands back at Spencer's hips.
Spencer grabbed his left hand and placed it back on his butt, "Hey, I never said we were finished here."
Derek gave him a shocked stare.
Spencer rolled his eyes, moving closer, "Now, come on. Let's get back to the whole pulling my hair, grabbing my ass combo. That felt real nice."
Ethan wiped a hand against his eyes tiredly before complaining, "Dude!"
Spencer moodily glared back, "Feel free to leave. You're not paying rent, you didn't bring food, and you're not engaging anyone in conversation. There's literally no reason for you to be here."
Ethan grimaced, "Fuck off. I was watching TV."
Spencer replied, "You were watching the inside of your eyelids, you old fart. I'm not going to wait for your crotchety ass to wake up, so, yeah. I'm going to start making out with this hot guy right here. What are you going to do about it?"
Ethan made a face, "Kick your ass for starters."
Derek raised his eyebrows, "I actually have purchase of his ass right now, so… pick something else."
Ethan grimaced, folding his arms, "Fine. I'll get him where it hurts."
Spencer's face fell, "You wouldn't dare."
Ethan stood and reached into his back pocket, pulling out a Sharpie.
"He's asking to die," Spencer mused, looking down at Derek and explaining, "This man wants death. Derek, look and look hard. This is what suicide looks like."
Ethan continued to walk toward Spencer's life sized TARDIS and uncapped the marker.
Spencer yelled out in a voice so harsh, Derek's only heard it once when he almost dropped him during rehearsal, "If you harm a hair on that TARDIS, I swear to God, I am going back to prison!"
Derek paused, "Back to prison? Wait, you've been before?"
Spencer ignored him and continued, "Ethan, I swear to God. I will plead guilty and dance on your grave when I get out."
Derek added, "I'm still stuck on the 'you've been to prison' part."
Ethan hovered over the TARDIS's blue paint with the marker, showing no signs of letting up.
Spencer shot him an angered look and hissed, shoving himself off of Derek's lap, "You know what, fine. Whatever. You happy now?"
Ethan grinned, "Very."
Spencer scoffed, folding his arms indignantly on the couch, "I'll just hook up with him later."
Ethan capped the marker, "Good. At least 'ave the decency to do it when I ain't around."
Spencer rolled his eyes, "At least have the decency not to be jealous it's not you anymore."
Ethan raised his eyebrows and his face drew into a serious stance as he headed toward the couch. He hissed angrily walked past Spencer. Uh, oh. Too far. He grabbed his white shirt off of the edge of it.
Spencer sighed, "Wait, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
"Yes, yew did," Ethan grimaced, shoving his arms into it.
Spencer leaned over the couch, "Seriously, I didn't! I was just playing."
Ethan shook his head, "Yeah, but we don't play 'bout that."
Spencer's eyebrows drew up as he pleaded, "Come on, you can't actually be getting mad about this."
"A'course, I can! I don't 'ave feelings for yew! Not anymore, since I realiz'd that to keep yew happy, everything's gotta be about yew," Ethan finished.
Spencer lowered his eyes to the floor, "No, it doesn't."
Ethan started to button up his shirt, "Yes. It does. Poor 'lil genius Reid. Yer dad doesn't want yew and yer mom starved yew of attention. Boo hoo. So, yew used me for it. Then I fell in love with yew and yew couldn't have that, so yew pushed me away and used Toby instead. And Toby? Wrong choice. The asshole just used yew back and yew weren't used tuh that, because it pushed yew over the edge, didn't it? So, now ya dance and prance all over the place, beggin' people to look at yew again, 'cause that's whatcha want. Yew just want to be looked at. Well, here we are looking atcha, Spencer. Is that what yew need? Are yew happy now?"
Spencer pulled his lips into his mouth and pointed at the door, saying quietly, "Get out."
Ethan stopped buttoning his shirt when he had three left undone, "But, I don't understan'. Yew called me over here just so we could talk about yew and yer problems and yer sad 'lil life. We're talking and now yew don't want to hear it?"
Spencer sniffed and reinforced his pointing finger.
Ethan rolled his eyes, "Put that hand down, we both know yew don' mean it."
Spencer didn't move.
"I'm the only one that really knows ya. All of yew. Every inch of sick, twisted yew," Ethan replied, "And I'm the only one who hasn't left yet. I been nothin' but good to yew. Yew really wanna fuckin' push me out?"
Spencer took a shaky breath and kept his eyes trained on the floor as they grew watery.
Ethan folded his arms, "I'm the only one that can make yew cry like that, and that's why yew couldn't stand to be with me. Pushed me toward my girl, and frankly, I'm glad yew did. And him? That football play'r that yew want in your bed so bad?"
Derek flinched as Ethan's eyes landed on him, "Yer going to push him off too. When he gets too close. He hasn't yet, but he will. I mean, God. He loves ya already. I don't blame him. I mean, look atcha. Yer beautiful."
Ethan locked eyes with Spencer, "I'm tellin' ya this 'cause yer my best friend. Yer my brother, and yer a selfish dick. But, by God, aren' yew incredible at throwin' away everything good that comes yer way? So, listen'a me and listen good."
Spencer closed his eyes and he sniffed once more, a tear falling from his right eye as he opened it.
Ethan finished, pointing one strong finger at Derek while staring straight at Spencer, "Don't fuck this up. I see yer startin' already."
Spencer stood up, "Well, since you're so sure I'll ruin everything, why bother asking me not to?"
Ethan replied, "'cause I love ya, man."
"I know," Spencer said quietly, storming out of the room by way of the hallway. Moments later, they heard a door slam.
Ethan shrugged and put his hands in his pockets, looking over at Derek, "And then, there were two."
Derek looked up at him from the couch, "I oughta knock you right in your face for talking to him like that."
Ethan let out a chuckle, "Good. If ya didn't wanna hit me righ' now, I'd be worried."
Derek stood, looking straight at him, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't?"
Ethan flat out laughed, leaning over the couch to grab his jacket off of the side arm, saying as he picked it up, "'cause I jus' helped yew out. He says he'll think 'bout it, and he will. But, if I didn't jus' give him a verbal ass whoopin'… you'd never have a chance with him. I don't know why, but the dumb fuck wants to die alone no matter who's beggin' for his hand. Don't feel bad he turned ya down, mah man, he'd turn down anyone that makes him smile. Doesn't think he deserves it." Derek watched as Ethan put his brown leather jacket on and strode to the door saying, "Go to him. Five bucks he's at the barre tearing a ligament. Last time I pissed him off like that, he wrote a ballet. Like… an entire ballet. Both parts. It took days to pull him off of it."
"Oh!" Ethan paused at the door, hand on the handle to turn and add, "If yew hurt him... I'll drug ya, tie ya up, drown ya in the Pacific, no one'll ever find yer body, yadda yadda."
Derek replied, "You don't have to give me the speech."
Ethan smiled sadly, "Dude, I know. But, when it comes tuh that boy, I'm the only one he got who will."
Derek quieted once more and the sounds of a string instrument flowed from the hallway.
Ethan sighed, rolling his eyes, "Great. He's got Tchaikovsky out."
Derek crinkled his eyebrows, "What about Tchaikovsky?"
Ethan answered, "That's his 'fuck off don't touch me' music."
Derek breathed, "Wow, you know… everything about this kid."
"He lets you call him 'kid'?" Ethan asked, raising an eyebrow.
Derek cocked his head to the side, "Yeah. Is that weird?"
Ethan replied, "Very."
Derek smiled a bit, "Huh."
Ethan opened the door, "Well, this has been a good 'mount of awkward for the day. Jus' a bit of advice!" he turned and finished with a wink before leaving through the door, "Kiss him once at the base of his ribs on the left side and he'll be putty in yer hands. But watch out with that, 'cause if you keep doin' it, he gets a lil into it. If yer decent it'll freak ya out, I promise."
Derek paused, "And... if I'm not decent?"
Ethan shuddered, "Go nuts. It's yer funeral."
Well, doesn't he know how to make an exit. Huh. Derek has decided that he dislikes Ethan. But, he wasn't sure if it was out of jealousy or spite. Derek walked up to the door and checked to see if it was locked before heading down the hall and making sure Spencer was okay.
The violin sounds were very practiced and precise, much like his dancing, but without all of the passion. Derek peeked into the room and Spencer stood at the barre, barefoot and fuming. His eyes were closed and his sweatpants rolled to his calf as he rose up to demi and reached his fingers out in front of him. He leaned down and stretched his back leg straight behind him in a crisp, methodical stance. Spencer raised his head to look at Derek, cheeks shiny with recently shed tears. He made a gruff noise, raising his sleeve to wipe at his face, "What are you doing here?"
Derek walked over to Spencer's bed and stood beside him, placing a hand over his on the barre, "Ethan just tore you a metaphorical new one, and you could probably use a hug right now."
Spencer sniffed blearily, "I could."
Derek wrapped an arm around Spencer's shoulder and the dancer let out a shaky breath as he knocked Derek's arm out of the way and wrapped his arms around his neck. Spencer buried his face into Derek's shoulder and clung to him. Derek let out a melancholy smile, holding Spencer against his chest and rocking him to a slow rhythm. Spencer sniffed once more and Derek rubbed his cheek against Spencer's.
Spencer suddenly pushed himself out of Derek's arms, "Okay, yeah. That's enough. Thank you."
Derek retorted, "Ain't no thang."
"Yeah, it is," Spencer chuckled wetly before sighing, "Do you really think I'm that selfish? That I'm using people for attention?"
Derek shook his head, "There's no way I can know for sure, but even if you were, that wouldn't make you a bad guy."
Spencer played with his fingers absently, "Wouldn't it, though?"
Derek patted the man's shoulder, "No. Kid, the only thing that would make you is human."
Spencer looked up at him with pleading eyes, "You've gotta believe me, man, I hate attention. Like seriously. I hate it. But, dancing… it's my life. It's the only thing that's real and pure to me, and I don't know what I would do without it. The spotlight's a necessary evil if I actually want to make money doing what I love, you know? And I truly love it. With all that I am, I love it."
Derek smiled hesitantly, "I know you do. It's obvious as hell."
"But, I swear that I—God! One second. Fuck this music right now! It's killing me," Spencer reached down to yank his iPod out of the dock walking over to sit on his bed moodily, "I've got bills, I've got student loans, I'm balancing both a Netflix and a Hulu account for crying out loud! I'm not doing the show because I want to be looked at, I swear."
Derek scoffed and followed him to the bed, plucking a tendril of fluffy brown curls from behind Spencer's ear as he took a seat beside him, "Well, duh. Why else would you peek out under this messy mane all the time?"
Spencer gasped and pushed his hair back behind his ear, "You don't like my hair?!"
Derek chuckled, "Hey, hey. Not that at all. I'm just saying… maybe you're skipping your trips to the barber on purpose."
Spencer folded his arms, "I'm doing no such thing."
Derek spoke, "Of course you are. When you're nervous, you push your hair behind your left ear and let the right side hang loose so you can hide behind it. If it was shorter, you'd have to look people in the eye."
Spencer hissed, "Hide behind…? I've never heard anything stupider."
Derek pointed to Spencer's left ear.
Spencer pressed a hand to his ear and noticed that his hair was pushed back, "Holy shit. I never noticed I did that."
Derek replied, "You do it a billion times a day, how can you not realize it?"
Spencer raised his eyebrows at him, "Well, you lick your lips a lot, so..."
Derek licked his lip, "No, I don't."
Spencer chuckled and pointed, "You just—"
Derek growled, "I know, shut up."
Spencer struggled to hide his mirth.
Derek leaned back until his back hit the bed and Spencer did the same.
Spencer looked over at him, "Wanna have sex?"
Derek laughed, "That was the most unsubtle subject change to ever exist, dude."
Spencer looked back up toward the ceiling, "What? I was just noting that you and me are in bed together and we're not drunk and we both want it, so...you know."
Derek added, "I'm not saying I'm uninterested, it's just… I came in here to make you feel better. Not like… sexually, just in an emotional support kind of way."
Spencer shrugged, "And I'm aware of that fact. Just saying. I appreciate the way you kissed me on that couch and I wanted to make sure you were aware that, you know, I suck a mean dick."
Derek coughed in surprise, "Wow, okay. Good to know."
Spencer sidenoted, "I mean it. Seriously, dude. Something was botched when my tonsils were removed when I was a kid and I haven't had a gag reflex since I was eight. I can cram an entire banana down there and not blink."
Derek paused, "...um."
Spencer continued, "Don't let the doctorates fool you, I am probably the dirtiest cocksucker on this side of the Americas. I've got this deep throat technique that—"
"Whoa!" Derek barked out a laugh, reaching down to adjust his pants, "Mental pictures, kid!"
Spencer finished, "And Ethan was lying about the puppy thing. Yes, I'm loud in bed, but I see it as exercising my freedom of speech. It's a right bestowed upon me by my country. So, if I'm taking it up the ass, I have the right to express that not only have you hit my sweet spot, but that I want you to do it harder, you know? Get crazy with it. I'm not a chick, okay? I don't break easy. If you pound me like an animal, nine times out of ten, I'll beg for more."
Derek reached over, slightly breathless from the laughing, "Stop, please!"
"I'll stop! I will! I just don't want you to think I'm a one-trick pony. I can fuck you too, if that's what you want," Spencer replied.
Derek gasped out in between chuckles, "Dude, I get it. Seriously. I'm not breathing oxygen."
"No, no. You're gonna want to hear this. I got this move that I call 'Bethoveen's Fifth'," Spencer glanced over at him with a smile on his face as he leaned up on one hand and shimmied his hips, humping the air, "It's like one-two-three-hold it. One-two-three-hold it. You get it? It's like the song. It goes dun, dun, dun, dunnnn. Dun, dun, dun, dunnnn."
Derek pressed his forearm into his face as he laughed, "Dear God, no!"
Spencer added with a chuckle, "And I've got another one called 'Oprah'." Spencer referenced an imaginary audience, "It's this thing where I make you climax over and over again like 'you get an orgasm, and you get an orgasm, and you get an orgasm'. It only works on women though."
Derek turned away from Spencer and buried his face into the sheets, cracking up.
Spencer supplemented, "And there's this other thing that I refer to as 'the Pythagorean Theorem'. You gotta double up the pelvic force and hit it twice at a time. If you do that, the person you're fucking comes twice as hard, because A squared plus B squared equals… C squared. You understand? It's all in the hips and the pubic triangle."
Derek shook his head, lost in his pile of chuckles. His hand was on his stomach which felt like it was about to burst from the sudden workout it was getting.
"And you really gotta got at it, man, this isn't a game." Spencer added with a thrust, "It's like a workout too, you know? You kill two birds."
Derek started wiping tears from underneath his eyes as he laughed into the quilt.
Spencer snickered once and settled, laying back down, "Wow, look at you. You're a mess."
Derek raised his pointer finger, begging for a second to catch his breath.
Spencer shrugged, "It's okay, man, take your time."
Derek lifted his head from the bed, saying in a sore, chuckle riddled voice, "No one makes me laugh like that. No one."
Spencer replied easily, "Well, no one thinks I'm funny but you, so I have to milk it whenever I get the opportunity."
Derek leaned up on his arm and smiled up at him, "See, I knew those sex positions were bullshit."
Spencer shook his head, "No. They're really not."
Derek grinned, "Yes, they are."
Spencer shrugged, "Yeah, maybe I embellished a little bit. There's no such thing as 'The Oprah'."
"I'm sure there isn't. And while I love laughing with you…" Derek shimmied closer to him and placed a hand at Spencer's waist.
Spencer sighed and looked away, "You think I should talk. About what Ethan said."
Derek replied, "It's probably best if you do. At the absolute worst, you'll get some stuff off of your chest. It's hard keeping stuff in. Especially stuff like that."
"I know, it's just..." Spencer stared into Derek's eyes and said tentatively, "… you're right, and I wish you weren't."
Derek grabbed Spencer's hand in his, "Where do you want to start?"
Spencer threaded his fingers with Derek's, "My dad."
The two of them ended up curled together under Spencer's sheets, hands locked and facing each other, resting on pillows as Spencer spoke. He had told Derek of his father just up and leaving him one day. He watched as he packed the car with his clothes and walked out without even saying goodbye. Spencer looked up at Derek, "I'm kind of scared to tell you the rest. I've never actually told anybody the rest…"
Derek said simply, "If you don't want to, you don't have to. But, you shouldn't ever feel scared to tell me anything. You could have murdered a man, and I still wouldn't treat you any less."
Spencer stiffened.
Derek's eyes widened comically, "Dude, seriously?!"
Spencer sighed, "I should probably tell you the whole story from the beginning."
Derek nodded his head, "Yeah, you probably should."
"Well… while I was getting my second doctorate at MIT, I started tutoring Ethan. I was only seventeen at the time and he was twenty one, but we just had this connection with each other. I had the biggest crush on him, and I was such a dork. Like, seriously. You think I'm a poindexter now? You should have seen the giant glasses/geeky retainer/90's perm combo. Sexy."
Derek laughed out, "Dude, we've all been there. Puberty is not kind. I was like 5'2'' until I was sixteen. With jheri curls. And two beard hairs."
"I wouldn't have told that," Spencer chuckled, prodding at Derek, "Anyway, after a few months, I was trying to explain the steps of complex differential equations and he just kissed me from across the Chem book. Out of nowhere. My retainer was still in and I think my glasses smacked him in the face. He was my first kiss, and even though there was an age difference... I don't know. We clicked and before the end of the fall semester he was my first time too. In the Spring, I switched to be in the same dorm hall as him, and by the time he was in the Master's program, we were rooming together in the Honors dorm."
Derek murmured, "Wow, that's quick."
Spencer laughed, "We had a great relationship until we started living together. We never cheated on each other or anything, it was just… all wrong. Whenever we'd sleep in the same bed, I would wake up with his elbow in my armpit and my hair in his mouth. He never cleaned up unless I threatened him, and the shit he kept in his fridge made me want to puke. He practiced his piano at all times of the night, and since headphones 'killed his vibe', he wouldn't use them. We fought so much, that our suitemates kept calling Public Safety on us until we broke up."
Derek laughed, "Damn."
"Oh, dude, you don't even know," Spencer sighed with a wistful smile, "I moved out like God had called me, and we tried to keep screwing on the side as just buds, but then we'd start fighting again. During the sex. Half of the time, we didn't even finish."
Derek wiggled his eyebrows, "And when you did?"
Spencer moaned in remembrance, "He'd make me come so hard, I'd be speaking Portuguese for like five minutes. Dude fucked me into another nationality."
Derek breathed, "Whoa."
Spencer rolled his eyes, "He was good, but he wasn't all that, trust me. I was just going through a sexual awakening and he was the only person fucking me, so my mind just..." Spencer shuddered, "Ugh! Eww. God. We realized that we shouldn't be having sex with each other. It's wrong on a spiritual level. It just disrupts the universe altogether. The minute the sex stopped, we suddenly became friends. Best friends actually. He met Katherine and we've had all remnants of sexual attraction ripped from our brains after years of familiarity—thank God. He's like my brother now," Spencer said with a sigh, "I graduated, and, while I danced a little in my free time it never really meant anything. It was just something I liked to do when no one was looking, you know? A form of release. But, you know me, if I like something, I study it to death. One night, I had watched Swan Lake and I loved it so much that I was dancing a bit of it in the kitchen the next day while I made sandwiches for me and Ethan's Tom Baker marathon. Little did I know, he had videotaped me dancing the warlock's part while grilling cheese and sent it to Julliard as a prank. They were intrigued by my style and I got myself an audition.
"I did the same warlock dance, but corrected the moves directly from the tape. In the audition, everything they'd shown me, I could do after two or three tries at it. They were shocked that I could recall and put forth images so well, and when I told them that I had an eidetic memory, it all made sense to them. They let me study there with a scholarship thanks to my deadbeat dad, and I was on the track to becoming a premier danseur."
Derek paused, "Eidetic memory? What's that?"
Spencer replied, "It's like a birth defect. I was born with a glitch in my frontal lobe that allows me to memorize things at a very quick speed. I haven't forgotten anything I've read since See Spot Run, and that helped vastly with me graduating high school at the age of 12. Apparently, the memorization of a move can be applied to it as well, and I would learn dances very quickly. After three years, I became the surreptitious understudy to the main performers. You know, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. There, I met Maeve, a ballerina in the American Dance Corps and fellow scholar. She and I hit it off and had a thing for a few months. It wasn't long before we fell in love. We'd spend hours talking, hid away in libraries, and had chess tournaments that got so serious, it was crazy. I swore she was The One. I introduced her to my mother and everything. Even though I never told her that I loved her, I... I carried a ring around for when I finally got the guts. I... I wanted to marry her one day. She introduced me to ballroom and while I started to teach pre-recs for Julliard, I took beginner dance classes with her. By then, I was in my mid-twenties, and… this is where it gets bad."
Derek held on to his hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb.
"We were out one day, playing chess in the park. It was cold. Wintertime. And this woman came out of nowhere and mugged us. I gave her my wallet, but Maeve wouldn't budge. I told her to just hand it over, but Maeve wouldn't. She said she had something in it that was to valuable. Something she couldn't give away, not yet. So, the mugger got impatient, pulled out a gun and shot her. The woman ran and Maeve... she died right in front of me," Spencer said barrenly, eyes growing dark, "I asked for her purse when the ambulance came and when I looked inside it, it was a folded piece of paper. Inside it was a ring, and on the paper was this quote: 'Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone. We find it with another' -Thomas Merton. She wanted to be with me too."
Derek winced, "Oh, my God. Man, I'm so sorry."
"Shit happens," Spencer added, "I never fully recovered from it. She's kind of why I started ballroom. She loved it so much, and at first, it was my way to cope with losing her. I signed up for more classes and within a few months, it hurt less and less. I wasn't quite over her, but something helped. You see, there was this ballroom dancer named Toby Hankel. He was brilliant. This man had strength, agility, a crispness that just couldn't be taught, and he specialized in partner dancing. He was my instructor and he taught me a lot, but he really liked grabbing at me during the lessons. He'd correct my posture and his hand would travel past the Bible belt, if you know what I mean. But, I didn't mind it, you know, he was really, really cute. Kinda had this dangerous thing going on. Like one of those guys on Dawson's Creek."
Derek chuckled, "Hot for teacher, huh?"
"You have literally no room to talk," Spencer nudged Derek, "Anyway, he asked to see me after class one day, one thing led to another, and he damn near blew my back out fucking me in the changing rooms. I was like a blushing little school girl in class the next day, I mean, he screwed me so rough just like I like it and there he was at the front of the class when no one knew what we'd done the night before. It was so stupid, but... I got off on it. Being a little bad."
Derek gasped, "You let your teacher feel you up after class? You are such a fucking dance stereotype."
"Once again. No room to talk." Spencer replied, "We just started doing it like bunnies; seeing each other in weird-ass places. He was serious about the whole 'no one can know' thing. But, whenever I would go over his house, he'd be hush-hush about more than the sex. He did… stuff."
Derek asked confusedly, "Stuff like… drugs?"
Spencer nodded, "Yeah. And he offered, but I always said 'no.'"
Derek grinned, "Good for you, man."
"Don't congratulate me just yet," Spencer retorted, "He got me an interview to be a professional dancer on Dancing With the Stars about six years ago, and I don't know how he did it, but I swore up and down that he was the greatest man on the planet. I nearly worshiped him. We'd only been undercover lovers for three months, but, this was one hell of a present. I aced the interview, and I signed a season deal. Danced with Katy Perry, and wow. She has an awesome set of tits."
Derek's eyes widened, "You fucked Katy Perry?!"
Spencer scoffed, "Hell no. I was just saying. She has a great rack."
"Oh," Derek replied.
Spencer continued, "So, when Katy and I got sent home, me and Toby had 'too bad you got eliminated' sex, and… he offered me a shot of Dilaudid afterward. I said no, again, and he acted like it was no big deal. I went to sleep beside him and when I woke up… I was high as a fucking kite."
Derek nearly sat up in a flurry of anger, "He Bobby Brown'd you?!"
Spencer nodded, tugging on his sleeve around his wrist, "Yeah. He Bobby Brown'd me. And it felt so… amazing."
Derek breathed, "Spencer, no."
"Let me keep going. If I stop, I'll never finish," Spencer answered steadily, taking a breath before continuing, "I still didn't want it, but at night when I slept, he would dose me and I would wake up every day feeling so good. I knew I should have left. Every day, I knew. But, I didn't. I kept coming back, letting him in, sleeping in his bed, and waking up betrayed again. He was poison, and I still held him on a pedestal. Leaving him terrified me. He kept getting more violent with it. When we'd have sex, he'd dope me up during it. Even if I passed out, he'd continue with me until he was done. He'd hit me, rough me up, pretty much do whatever he wanted to me when I was high. My reaction time was too slow, and it made me the perfect toy. He made me feel so defenseless. Weak. He gave me too much one day. I overdosed once and he pulled me back somehow. I tried to fight him, I really did, but he was always ready for it. And one day, I got him.
"That night, I was blissed out of my mind. My high was coming down and he had tied my hands and put me in a chair and… he had this revolver in his hand, the sick fuck. It had one bullet in it, and he knew where it was. He kept pointing it at my chest, telling me that when he pulled, there was one in six chances it would kill me. One in five. One in four. One in three. I don't know what I was thinking, but I slipped the rope and tried to wrestle the gun from him. He tackled me to the ground. He hit me on the face, all over my body. Then he held it to my forehead and told me that this one had the bullet in it. He told me that for rebelling against him, he should just shoot me right then and there. I don't know how I did it, but I got the gun from him and made a break for the front door. He ran toward me and nearly got it back, clearly intent on ending me once and for all, and… I… I shot him." Spencer said quietly, "I killed him.
"I called the police on myself right after I did it. I was still high when I got my prints taken, but it was clear to everyone that it was an accident. I was beat down, blood all over me, I looked like shit. Ethan came to ID me, because I left my wallet at Toby's and I was crying so much that I could barely talk. My lawyer came down and a day later, all my paperwork was in and my killing him was listed as self-defense within the week. The show was pissed at me, and threatened not to take me back in for another season, but upon hearing my case from my lawyer, they reconsidered." Spencer replied.
Derek breathed, "Oh, my God."
Spencer spoke, "I was set to do the next season, and I agreed to it, but there were complications. Before I got taken in by the police, I took some vials off of Toby and hid them."
Derek shook his head, "Spencer..."
"I know, okay?! I fucked up! Again! I don't know why you're still surprised at this point!" Spencer yelled out angrily, taking a deep breath and continued, "Trust me, detox was a major bitch. I did not want to go through that again. But, I itched for it even after I got clean. Oh, God, I needed it. And after I got eliminated the second time, I used it as an excuse. I would be out of the public eye. I would be off camera for a few months. No one would see me do it. So, I sat on my bathtub, loaded it up, and I took it. Then, when it wore off, I took more. And I took more. And when my stash ran out, I went looking for even more, because thanks to Toby, I knew where to get it. I… I became an... 'addict'. I felt disgusting. Unclean. I hated myself, and I hated my addiction even more, but for the life of me I couldn't stop. God, I couldn't fucking stop!" he pushed his hair behind his ear several times in a row and his voice wavered, "I tried to do another season and the board laughed at me when I interviewed for it. I was so fucking strung out, man, you don't even know. I stopped cutting my hair, I didn't shave, I didn't iron, I staggered into the office for Christ's sake, I—shit, I'm sorry," Spencer apologized as his eyes filled up.
"Don't be sorry, are you kidding me?" Derek reached over and wiped the tears away with his thumbs, kissing at his face, "You want to cry, you can just cry alright, come here," Derek pulled him in closer and held him against his chest.
The dancer wept into Derek's shirt, clinging to him. Neither of them said a word for a few minutes. Spencer needed to catch his breath. Holding him closer, Derek ran his hands soothingly down his back as he took in the information. He's a little (a lot) shocked by the news . Spencer's killed. Spencer's been addicted to drugs. Spencer's had some serious shit flung at him from every angle, and he still remained so strong. And he trusted Derek enough to tell him all of this. There's no way he would feel less about Spencer. Hell. If anything, Derek loves him even more for trust him enough to share his life with him.
Spencer sniffed into Derek's shoulder, "I can't believe I've made such a shit show of my life. Do you hate me? I wouldn't blame you. I would hate me. I do hate me."
Derek pulled back and looked into Spencer's red, tear stained face, "Hate you? I never could. Yeah, life hasn't been kind to you and you fucked up pretty bad, but damn if you didn't pick yourself up from virtually nothing and become so much more. You teach, you dance on live television, you've become a strong, independent guy. And you're still smokin' hot, man, you are a rare breed. After all those drugs, I don't see not one wrinkle. That's an achievement in its own."
Spencer laughed wetly, "Shut up."
Derek grinned, "No, really. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Hot."
Spencer rolled his eyes, leaning in to be held once more, "Do you want to hear the end of the story, or do you just want to drool over me?"
Derek replied, "Both."
Spencer chuckled and rested his head on Derek's chest, "I got sober by myself. I went to an AA type program and I've been drug-free for four years. Three years ago, the producers of the show deemed me no longer a public embarrassment and I won two mirror balls in that time. I started this class for kids, earned some serious bank, and I've danced premier in the ballet thrice. But, recently, the show force-paired me with this douchebag of a guy, and I've been resisting ripping his clothes off and fucking him on the hardwood because I had no clue he was interested in me. So, yeah, I've been doing alright."
Derek began to laugh, "Aww, that's a happy ending."
Spencer smiled, "I think so too."
Derek pushed a lock of Spencer's hair from his face and leaned in for a soft kiss. Spencer kissed him back tentatively before leaning back, "You… really don't mind that I did drugs and killed somebody?"
"Do you want me to mind?" Derek asked.
Spencer replied, "Not really, but you've been so good to me that I can hardly believe it. You're such a great guy, and you care so much about me… I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?"
Derek responded, "I'm really not as great as you assume."
Spencer asked, "How so?"
Derek paused, "…well, if you can spill your guts, I can too, right?"
Spencer shook his head fervently, "No, man, are you kidding? That was hard as shit. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. You can even keep your middle name a secret, and I would not care."
Derek pressed his hand to the side of Spencer's face, "I want to. I do. You've shared something with me that you haven't shared with anybody before. Hell, my life is a walk down the block compared to yours."
Spencer poked at Derek's chest, "Fine. Just… don't feel compelled on my account."
Derek asked the dancer, "So, you really don't want to know?"
Spencer grinned, "Like hell. I'm so curious, it makes no sense."
"Awesome… awesome," Derek took a deep breath as his heart quickened, "I'll tell you. I… am going to tell… you. That's what I'm going to do."
Spencer's eyes widened, "Are you okay?"
Derek's brow started to sweat, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'll be fine. I'm going to tell you. Something I've never told anyone before. Just be patient with me."
Spencer nodded, gripping Derek's hand in his the way Derek held his just moments ago, "Take your time, man."
Derek licked his lips nervously, "My dad… my dad passed away when I was ten. He was a cop, got killed in the line of duty… and it tore my family up. My sisters kept together and wouldn't go to sleep without each other. My mom was just… useless. For months. Desi did all of the cooking and Sarah did the cleaning while we lived off of his life insurance check and police pension. While it was a big help, it wasn't enough. We were put on welfare, and my mom tried so hard to go back to work, she did. But, it wasn't working for her. She hadn't had time to heal, and she wouldn't accept the fact that Dad was gone."
Spencer breathed, "I'm sorry."
"Me too," Derek replied, "…we needed money. Bad. Or the landlord was going to kick us out. He was already a racist dick, and he was just waiting for us to slip up on rent. So, I made the wrong friends. I was only eleven at the time, but since I was so young, the gang of guys I hung with knew that I wouldn't get caught if I were to steal anything. I was small, innocent looking, unassuming. Who would guess a fifth grader was in a gang? No one," Derek sighed and added, "So, I stole shit. At first, I hit convenience stores and the like, but I got real good at it. Got my hands on some dirty money. And when I say dirty money, I mean… filthy.
"The gang thought I was good enough to score a big heist, so they got me to break into the chief of police's house and steal three cases of police issued guns. I did it and didn't get caught, so the gang… we were packing heat now. Thanks to me. Then they started offing guys that had done them wrong, and by that time, I knew that there was no way out. All of this blood was on my hands, I couldn't take it. So, I went into a Winn-Dixie and got myself seen on purpose, stuffing Mars Bars down my shirt. Detective Gordinski gave me my first arrest at twelve-years-old, and started watching me like a hawk after that," Derek spoke.
Spencer gasped, "Shit."
Derek nodded, "You're telling me. The gang was real pissed, my mom was disgraced, and I started slipping. Detective nailed me on everything. I breathed funny and he was taking me in, interrogating me until finally, one day, I squealed about the guns. He locked my ass up for it, too. Two months in Juvey. It would have been ten if I didn't give them names. When I got out, my mom enrolled me in this community center. I had to get right, she said, before high school at the very least. The gang was done with me completely. They didn't know I gave the cops their names, but they decided that it was their fault for letting a kid join their group anyway and—"
A phone started to ring in the background, singing Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't ya wish your girlfriend was a freak like me. Spencer clamored into his back pocket and hastily pulled it out as it rang. He glanced at it to turn it off and placed it at the bedside table, reaching over and grabbing Derek's hand once more, "Sorry."
"Please change you're ringtone," Derek replied.
Spencer agreed, "Okay. Continue."
Derek nodded in forgiveness and continued, "The community center had lots of programs and shit, and I had to choose one or they'd kick me out, so I chose football. I've never done it before, but it seemed easy. Two years later, I was surprisingly good at it, and the coach took notice. He said I was a natural talent and made me second string in our games. He said he could make me even better if he worked with me alone and I believed him. I mean, why wouldn't I? I was with a better group of kids. My mom was finally back at work. I was in high school then, and time came around to get right for college if I was ever gonna go. So, I… I, uh… God… I…" Derek paused and started to take deep breaths.
Spencer held tighter onto his hand, "Derek, are you alright?"
Derek took several breaths, "Yeah, I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" Spencer asked.
Derek nodded, "I'm fine. I… I, uh. I took Coach up on his offer and he started working with me. He made good on his offer, and I got better. Like, better than I was before. I was pushed up to team runningback, and with his help, I was really excelling. I never knew I could believe in myself like that. Hell, I never thought anyone could believe in me like that. But, I could do it, you know? It was inside me the whole time. I didn't need him, but, God, I thought that I did."
Spencer kissed Derek's hand, "That's great, babe."
Derek asked, "Babe?"
Spencer went red, "Ignore me, continue."
Derek rubbed his forehead against Spencer's, "I never could ignore you."
Spencer leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips, "Nor I you."
Derek looked into Spencer's eyes deeply, his looks hopefully conveying what he couldn't in words. He feels for Spencer so deeply and wholly right at this moment, that he doesn't even know how to express it. Maybe the best way to start was to finish telling Spencer who he was. All of who he was. Put his soul on the table just like Spencer did. Become an open book.
He spoke, "When I was fifteen, he… he invited me to the cabin he'd go to sometimes. He offered me a beer like I was a grown up, and I felt so cool. It tasted like shit, and I expected that, but it made me look older so I kept drinking it. By the time I had finished the bottle, I was buzzed, bleary eyed, and his hand was making its way up my leg. I had a feeling of what he wanted. He got up on me real fast and I… I tried to push him off, but he was just so heavy. He pinned… he-he grabbed my hands over my head and…"
Spencer shook his head, "No."
Derek's voice quieted, eyes seeing past Spencer as he remembered those words hissing into his ear, "He told me that I could kick and yell all I wanted, the cabin was so deep in the woods that no one would ever hear me scream," his voice broke at the final word, "And if I was had my wits about me, I'd be a good boy and not tell nobody, or Desi and Sarah were next."
Spencer pressed his hand against his own mouth, "No."
"Yes," Derek answered, heart beat escalating as his breaths came in gasps, "And he didn't stop either. He kept… God, help me, he kept doing it. It got worse every time, and… I just… I should have… I couldn't even—I—shit…" Derek pressed his hands against his chest as the room seemed to close in on him. Everything seemed too hot and too cold. He could feel the heat of the fire crackling in the cabin and smell the pine needles in the air. He could hear that slimy voice in his ear telling him to stop crying as he tried to scramble away, yelling as loudly as he could, blood running down his legs.
There were arms around him and Derek pushed and pushed at them until they got off, he yelled against them, "Stop! Don't you..."
The voice said his name in that deep, sick voice, "Derek."
Derek was surrounded by it. It pulsed above, underneath, beside him. All over. All he wanted was to be away from it. His feet were on the floor, but it followed him. Wherever he went, it would always follow him. The voice wanted him. He wanted him.
There was a door between them. Finally! Back away! Get away! Oh, thank God, there's a toilet in here! Derek yanked up the lid, leaned over it and threw up into it. There was stuff in his mouth, he could feel it, slimy, slick, dirty, shouldn't be there. He threw up once more, the motion calming him down.
A soft hand was rubbing his back over and over again in a soothing motion. He would never do that. He never even thought of aftercare. He just left him used and scared and alone on the floor, throwing his harshly wrinkled clothes at him as if he were part of the dusty wood. Derek looked up into a pair of brown eyes, and they weren't his. They were soft and kind, beautiful and strong.
Derek laughed pitifully, "Fuck. I just spazzed out on you, didn't I?"
Spencer shrugged, smiling over at him from the tub, "Just a little."
Derek smiled back weakly, "I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for pushing you, and I'm still partially freaked out, so I'd keep that distance."
Spencer raised his palms easily, "I was a child prodigy at a Las Vegas public school. You shove like a nine-year-old girl."
Derek laughed again, leaning his forehead against the wall, "Good. I've never said the tail end of that story out loud before. Especially not to someone else. I just didn't expect it to bring up such vivid... you know... crap."
Spencer waved it off, "As far as panic attacks go, yours was actually pretty short. You know the average span of them is-"
"Dude," Derek sighed.
Spencer muttered, "Sorry."
Derek added, "No big. I mean, I tossed my cookies in your toilet, so... yeah. Still pretty tense."
"And that is perfectly fine. Snap at me all you want. I deserve it after the past few weeks," Spencer laughed, brushing a hand against the back of Derek's bald head, "Does it count as a lucky guess if I said you don't want to talk about it?"
Derek paused to spit into the toilet once more, "It would."
Spencer replied, "Alright then, we won't."
Derek added, "Can I rinse my mouth out before you say anything else? I've kind of got… bile in my esophagus."
Spencer kissed Derek's forehead before standing to rifle through the medicine cabinet, "Sure."
Derek added, "Can you call me 'babe' again?"
"You're milking this for all you can, aren't you?" Spencer replied as he searched, pulling out a packet of dollar store toothbrushes and handing Derek one, "Your welcome."
Derek eased himself up from the toilet, closing the lid and flushing it so that he could take the toothbrush, "Thank you."
"Anytime," Spencer shoved at Derek's shoulder.
Derek leaned into the sink and Spencer watched him, speaking as he rinsed his mouth, "I don't know what it is about you, but… I trust you. Completely. Nearly with my life. And for the first time in… forever, every instinct is telling me I'm right. Am I?"
Derek looked up at him from the sink, "Are you kidding me? I just bore my soul and had a panic attack in front of you. I trust you more than my mom. This thing's mutual."
Spencer smiled blearily, "Wow. Well… stranger has happened."
Derek scoffed, loading the toothbrush up with paste, "Fucking telling me."
Spencer reached over and touched Derek's free hand, holding it firmly, "Derek, I just... I have a thing for you."
Derek chuckled, "No shit, man. You humped my leg on the couch, I may not have a doctorate, but damn boy, I've got eyes."
"Hey now, jerk," Spencer stuck is tongue out and sighed, clinging to the hand, "I meant that. I don't know what it is, but I just want you to know that I want you cock, but… it goes deeper than that. What I don't know is how deep. You understand?"
Derek mumbled around the toothbrush with a laugh, "I'm trying so hard not to say 'that's what she said'."
Spencer folded his arms, "I'll smack you and not give one fuck."
Derek smiled and brushed, "Fine, fine, fine. I'll comply. You want my body and a lil something extra, is that what you're getting at?"
"No! That's not it! I just... God. I'm like allergic to talking about my feelings. You know that, right?" Spencer sucked his teeth impatiently.
Derek said between brushes, "Well, your best friend had to insult you to the point where you had an emotional breakdown just so you'd talk to me, so… yeah. I'm pretty aware of your allergy."
"Well, then listen!" Spencer tried again, voice raising, "I'm sexually attracted to you, I'm emotionally attached to you, and I trust you a great deal! If anything were to ever happen to you, I don't know what I'd do! Our friendship is way too strong and it scares me! What the hell is happening?!"
Derek spit out the foam into the sink and gave Spencer an unimpressed look, "That's love, you fucktard."
Spencer paused, "…no. No. It can't be."
Derek asked, bending down to rinse, "Why?"
Spencer responded, "I don't know you."
Derek replied, "You know me better than anyone on this planet. Especially after our story time from Hell."
Spencer answered, "Well… well, that's cuz… you… and me…"
Derek tapped his foot, "Yes, I'm waiting."
Spencer raised his index finger, "I've only known you three weeks."
Derek added, "It will be a month tomorrow and we will have seen each other every single day of it. Loving me at this point is not so strange."
Spencer swayed on his feet, "I'm losing this argument."
"You think?" Derek leaned over the sink to rinse his mouth out.
Spencer folded his arms, "S-so what? This doesn't change anything. I can't love you."
Derek spit out the water and stood back up, "Why not?"
Spencer spoke with a wry smile, "I'm still your instructor, and it's still inappropriate."
Derek blinked, "And?"
Spencer made a face, "And you're making this harder than it has to be."
Derek shrugged, "Ain't nothing to me. If you don't love me now—which you do, by the way…"
Spencer pitched in, "Don't."
Derek finished, "Then, I'll just wait until you do. I'll respect you, and hold you close, and treat you right, and be there for you as hard as I can until you fall in love with me, Spencer Reid. And when you do, I'll do all of that even harder."
Spencer took a deep breath, and kept his eyes locked on Derek.
Derek looked right back at him.
Spencer spoke, "So… so, you're saying you love me?"
Derek scoffed and walked past him to Spencer's bedroom, "I won't give you the satisfaction of knowing."
Derek woke up in the most comfortable bed he's ever been in. The quilts were warm and soft, the pillow was plump and cushiony. He breathed in the woodsy vanilla scent. Spencer's bed. Great place to end up. He reached over to wrap an arm around the dancer's body to have it come down on the other side of the mattress.
He popped his head up and looked over at it, "Kid?"
Needless to say, the fuzzy brunette wasn't there. A piece of paper was placed on the pillow in his stead. There, it was written in a sloppy, childlike pen:
Derek,
Good morning. I woke up a little early to use the studio. I'm not running away from you or anything, I swear. I just dreamt this incredible choreo and I had to get it sketched. I would have done it by the barre in my room, but you were asleep and it was kind of cute, so I just left you there.
I laid out a pair of my biggest sweats and a tee shirt for you to practice in if you don't feel like going back to your hotel. There's coffee in the pot and a strawberry Danish beside it. Feel free to take a shower, and help yourself to anything in the fridge, so on and so forth. Mi casa es su casa. Just don't look in the third left dresser drawer. If you do, whatever you find in there will be shoved up your ass with no warning and I'll make sure you get so weirdly turned on by it, that you'll be sexually confused until you die.
Have a nice day.
—Spencer
Derek chuckled at the note. He is so looking in that drawer. But, for now, he's snoozing. What time is it again? He glanced at the bedside clock. Yeah, he's got an hour until he has to get up.
He snuggled into the pillow, wrapping himself into Spencer's scent. They had a wonderful night after all of the tears and soul bearing. Spencer never stopped kissing him. Talk about an upside. His lips were on Derek's forehead, his cheek, his neck, his mouth, his knuckles. Spencer was just a cuddly little kiss monster, and it was so fucking cute. Until, of course the people in the apartment directly on the other side of their wall started having really loud monkey sex, and they burst out laughing.
Derek laughed harder when Spencer told him that his neighbor's parents were in town for the weekend and the man and woman in there are sixty seven and sixty four years old respectively. Derek joked his surprise that the man could even get it up at that age, nevertheless bang the headboard like that. Spencer chipped in with the statistics of male impotence, and Derek quieted, seeing as his time was approaching. Then, it was Spencer's turn to laugh.
They started shooting the shit after that, fingers intertwined and legs brushing. They spoke in soft voices, and nudged each other flirtatiously. Derek got Spencer to call him 'babe' twice more that night. Once in a joking way, and once more passionately much later in the night. They told each other silly stories about things they've done as kids, bad teacher's they've had, horrible dates they've suffered through.
Around two o'clock in the morning, Spencer gave Derek a long, searching look and stopped talking. Derek paused and asked what was wrong. Spencer replied that everything was fine, everything was perfect. He climbed on top of Derek and pulled his head close to his until they kissed in that soft way over and over again until they fumbled and chuckled and dry humped their way through their first orgasm—well, Spencer's anyway.
Afterwards, Spencer looked up at him and said that he didn't mean to cum so fast and Derek literally laughed it off. He had no qualms at all; the whole event was pitifully short. And when Derek says short, he means like… short. Derek's seen Goku's "Kame Hame Ha"s last longer.
Spencer's face had been in his shoulder during the whole event, so he nearly missed it. All he knew was their hips were racing together real fast and rough. And, he'll tell ya, was there nothing like the feeling of Spencer straddling him and humping him 'till the cows came home. He wasn't as gentle in bed as Derek thought he would be. He was nearly rough… just a little soft around the edges. He grabbed firmly, his kisses were deep. The man was practically opening himself up to Derek like he'd never done any of it before—like Derek was the first guy he'd ever humped or something. And that got Derek thinking that maybe Ethan was kind of right. Spencer could be perceived puppy-ish in bed, but only because he fucked like a virgin. Like it was all new to him. Like he'd never been so turned on in his life.
Spencer's hand was cradling the back of his head. He kissed open mouthed along Derek's neck between sharp expletives and moans of encouragement as their denim and sweatpant covered arousals pushed frantically and it. Felt. Awesome.
The sun and the moon collided.
The angels cried.
It was incredible.
All ninety-something seconds of it.
Then, Derek heard an, "Uh! Derek! Oh… ahh!" and Spencer bit into his shoulder, cutting off his moans as his hips stilled. Not one moment later, his head popped up, frizzy haired, wide eyed, and face all pink, "Oh, shit! I'm so sorry."
Derek panted out, "Did you just… bust?"
Spencer bit his lip, "It was an accident!"
"Dude, seriously—dude." Derek was laughing so hard after hearing it that Spencer sat beside him with his arms folded and the heat glare in his eyes set on the Hell notch, "Don't laugh at me, Derek! I can't believe you're being such a dick about it! I didn't mean to, and you know it. It's just been a while since I was with someone, and you were doing that rolling hip thing which I've never seen before in my life! And you were whispering dirty things in my ear which was just... unfair."
Derek continued to laugh, escalating to a pointed finger in Spencer's direction.
Spencer growled, "I was going to offer to finish you off, but since you feel the need to be a prick..."
Derek slapped his own knee, falling back into the pillow as he laughed harder, "Hey! Hey! Spence! Do you know what they say about premature guys?"
Spencer growled out, "What?"
Derek gasped through his chuckles, "They come out of nowhere!"
"Fuck! That's it! Taste this, jerk!" Spencer hopped on top of Derek and started an impromptu wrestling session. Which he lost.
Less than twenty minutes later, they fell asleep holding each other. Spencer's head on Derek's chest as he wrapped his arms around the dancer's broad shoulders. He woke up at some point in the night to find Spencer sleeping soundly on his chest, snoring lightly. His hair was mussed and his eyelashes were long against his skin. His pink lips were pouted and one of his hands was splayed across Derek's chest, the other thrown across his belly. Derek kissed his hair and Spencer made a little noise of contentment, snuggling closer, the cute little fucker.
So, yeah. He had an alright night.
Business:
1) PLEASE let me know if I nailed it or failed it when it came to the angst, because this is my first semi-emotional piece and I've never worked with triggers before. I APOLOGIZE IF I'VE OFFENDED with my ignorance. The only references I had were from friends who had experienced these things before and had similar situations with me (minus the smooching, of course). So, blame them.
2) I'm going to keep saying this until I'm blue in the face: This story has been nominated for a Profiler's Choice Award in the category of Best Crossover and I'm up against the fantastic Seditionary. I personally love Seds. One of my first M/R fics ever was one from her. So, you can see why I'm scared as all hell to be competing against her. If you feel like it, vote me up, peeps. You have 'till mid-December. Just sayin'.
3) The NEXT CHAPTER is going to be pretty sexy, so consider this a warning. IT WILL BE EDITED to fit the guidelines (cuz, I don't feel like getting suspended), so if you want to read the sultry-dirty-naughty-naughtiness in its entirety, it will be on AO3 the following Monday. I'll only take out what's absolutely necessary, though. So, if you're just in for reading the cute clothing removal and follow up, you're in luck, bitches. Cuz, it'll be there.
Love,
Blue