So Show Me Why You're Strong…

A/N: ANGST is back. I've enjoyed turning the tables and I think oftentimes Red's mental state was also disregarded and definitely not shown. I am aware of the drama going on within the fandom right now, this show ended at 8x22 for me and anything after that doesn't exist to me. I won't be deleting this and will continue to write for this pairing.

TWO chapters are left.

Song is: Retrograde - James Blake (from 5x22) This song was always going to be one of the final chapters. Don't worry Taylor will be back. 😉

Ignore Everybody Else, We're Alone Now…

He sat alone in the fading light of his small apartment in Bethesda. The phantom touch of cold steel of against his scalp as he sat digesting the events of yesterday. He rubbed the back of his head but the cold hard biting feeling wouldn't dissipate. He got up and poured himself a scotch but left it discarded on the sideboard. He felt alone in his misery but he knew sending Dembe to check on Elizabeth had been the right call. He had dealt with the immediate, dealt with the consequences of this life of his and now, now he couldn't see a way out of this ever consuming misery. His apartment felt so quiet and empty and not at all like home. He walked to the bay window to the front, watching the shadows creep across the street below. The cat meowed and he almost jumped at the noise, his hand flying to his weapon as the cat rubbed against his legs, weaving between them as he bent to pick up the feline. He threw the cat over his shoulder, supporting his rear end as the cat dug his claws into his shoulder, his head rubbing affectionately against his five o'clock shadow, purring loudly. At least someone was here he thought. He carried the cat back to his chair as the cat slid down to nestle in his lap. His phone buzzed noisily against the sideboard where he had left it and he cursed softly, his head resting back against the chair. He couldn't face her yet.

He kept thinking of the ways in which it could've all ended right there, with Anna McMahon's gun against his skull. He would've left her, left her before they had really even started anything. Morgan was dead. Chuck was wounded - in the hospital and if he hadn't called Dembe for back up, he knew he surely wouldn't be sitting there. He thought of her in that moment as he hovered over Chuck, pressing a hand into his bloody wound. The cold steel bit into his scalp and his thoughts were not of negotiation, Ressler had that covered but of her. Lizzy, my Lizzy, the pale ivory of her skin as she lay beneath him, her face fixed in concentration and the way her mouth fell open as she came. The feel of her, the softness of her skin and the way her mouth moved against his, it all came rushing back and for that split second it felt he would choke with the regret of leaving her. He had failed her already and they had only been apart a few days. Dembe had urged him to go along to the house but he felt paralysed, lost in his own mortality and how much pain it would cause her when he left and he most assuredly would. He was discounting her again, he knew but he felt so lost, lost in the regret of his past actions and now this failure, a continuation of failures with more time that elapsed. The more he ignored her, discounted her and left her to wonder. It was like an open wound with nothing to staunch the bleeding so he continued to bleed out. People left and people died and that was what he had invited in or rather forced upon her. He was selfish, he could've worked from the shadows like he had been but no, he had to know her, he had to insert himself into her life in the guise of her safety and yet he was the one who had been a constant danger to her. He could've taken Tom Keen off the street and tortured the information out of him, could've shot him dead in an unsuspecting place and been done with him but no, no, he had to insert himself instead. Selfish. And of course he hadn't for one moment expected her to develop feelings of any kind, why would he. He was a monster after all, she had even said so herself.

This was what his life was, would continue to be, so how could he have even thought for one second he could leave it and be left to his happiness. His life had been a complex web of lies for so long now, haunted by things he couldn't possibly ever ignore. It required intricate planning and preparation, a transient existence because of that web and she could blame her mother, she could see how her mother had been involved but she couldn't, wouldn't see how he was also an accomplice. He had consented to this life, made powerful enemies and he knew they would continue to come. How could he have thought for even a second about his own happiness, he didn't deserve such luxuries. He certainly didn't deserve her after all the pain he had cause her. Uprooting her from the very start, obliterating any chance of a normal life and yet there she was asking him to be a part of that very thing. A thing so fragile, he knew, that it could be shattered in the blink of an eye. She was happy now but was that happiness because of him or because she had left behind the work with him. She had closed the door on the continued cycle of trauma and pain that he had brought to her, caused her and taken it upon herself to heal those wounds. That was her, all her and not him so wasn't her happiness a result of her leaving him behind?

There were tears on his cheek and he hadn't felt this shaken since… Since her "death". It was dark and he was alone so he let them come unbidden. He sank his hand into the cat's furs who chirped back at the sudden sensation. The cat curled his head under, rolling into a tighter ball, purring loudly as though to give back something that had been taken. Love. He loved her fiercely, beyond reason. It ached inside him with how much he loved her. He needed her and he didn't like to need anyone, even Dembe.

He knew the loneliness of solitude, knew the depth of his own desolation. He knew it before this life started, the day his family died a bloody death. He knew the wound of isolation, a purposeful and sought after seclusion. A solitude he had clung onto when he had accepted the reluctant role of father and Dembe in all his stoic loyalty had clung to him even after all this time, even after all he'd seen and perhaps his was the only company he could truly accept because there were those firm boundaries, he saw but he didn't judge, he saw but he didn't expect, he was quiet in his loyalty but he could still withhold and be contained. The darkness he carried, the destructive desolation that yawned inside him, yearning to be filled. He could still maintain an acceptable distance because Dembe allowed it, he didn't push for change. He was like an old dog, could you really teach an old dog new tricks but then like all animals they sought out love, sought out affection because dogs too were loyal and forgave even after the worst kinds of abuse. He had that capacity to love, he yearned for it, ached for it and yet how could he accept it from a woman he had hurt so plainly.

The only true way the cycle of pain would end is if he disappeared from her life, blinked out of her existence in the same way he entered it. But… She knew him now, knew the feel of him as he did her, knew his love, his life and his deepest pain and with that tenacity he loved about her she would never allow him to just disappear. So he sat paralysed, weeping quietly in the darkness of his living room, the soft purrs of the cat in his lap and his occasional sharp inhales of his own breaths, the only sounds to be heard.

It had taken over an hour to drive to Bethesda, snow had started half way there and she had to temper her urgency. She had sat with it, almost nursing it as she drove carefully through soft wet flurries. By the time she arrived outside his apartment building she was feeling calm, if not a little nervous, afraid of what she'd find upstairs. His apartment looked dark from the street and for a moment she was afraid he wouldn't be there.

She knocked twice to no answer, had called his name, also to no reply. Her back slumped against the door as she toyed with her next steps. He could just not be there or he could be asleep or… No she wouldn't go there yet. She dug in her bag for the lock picking tools she usually carried around, why she had grabbed this bag she didn't know, perhaps she knew he wouldn't answer the door. It didn't take long for the lock to release and she pushed open the door to the darkness awaiting her. She could see his outline in the chair, he hadn't closed the shutters and the light from the street filtered into the room casting an orange glow across the room. With her heart in her throat she closed the door, fear clutching her as it clicked shut. He must really be off his game if he hadn't heard her come in, hadn't heard the release of the lock or seen the light from the hallway. He was here alone, sitting in the dark.

'Red…' She hissed but he didn't move or respond. She could she the cat in his lap, his green eyes glowing in the darkened room. He sat alert, assessing and stood up arching into a stretch before he jumped down and sauntered over to her. He chirped as she pet his head, scratching his ears, purring loudly.

Goddamn he could smell her as soon as she closed the door, he kept his eyes closed but he knew it was her. Her delicate rose scented soap, complimenting her floral shampoo. His chest tightened as he remembered his fingers in her hair, soaping it, the way she had melted into him. Fuck. He couldn't allow her to get close, couldn't allow her to touch him because his resolve was already wavering.

'Why are you here, Elizabeth…' His hard voice seemed to boom around the room, startling her as she straightened, feeling caught out. She stood for a moment, blinking back at him before moving to turn on the lamp in the corner. He groaned, squinting as the light hit his eyes.

'Why wouldn't I be here? You don't answer my calls, reply to my messages. You sent Dembe away… What am I supposed to think?' His eyes were screwed up tightly with his arm over his face.

He looked… Dishevelled. His face sallow and tear stained? His shirt buttons undone at the collar, his sleeves pulled up roughly around his elbows and his shirt tails untucked from his waistband. The buttons on his vest were left undone and one side was caught in the crease of the chair arm. It alarmed her more than it wounded her, him sat here like this - alone in the dark, crying.

'Red…' Her voice caught in her throat as she took him in, he looked at her then, let his arm fall. His eyes red rimmed and puffy before he looked down and away unable to face the concern on her features.

She fell to her knees in front of him, her hands coming to rest on his knees as she reached for his arms. He flinched when her warmth touched his bare skin, a breath shuddered up from his lungs but he bit back the tears, swallowed them down. He couldn't look at her, could see the pity in her face so he ground his teeth.

'Talk to me, don't shut me out…' As she crouched before him, the deep v of her blouse gaped open and if he had looked he would've seen the soft silk against her breast.

He shoved at her arms, careful not to make skin contact. She rocked on the balls of her feet almost tipping over before she regained her balance. He heaved his tired limbs up from the chair with a soft grunt, his body asleep after being moulded to the chair for so long and for a moment he stood there, waiting for his head to catch up, not that he could remember the last time he'd eaten anything.

'You should go…' He spoke gruffly, dismissing her as he moved to the side board, downing half the scotch before going to the bay window to the front, placing distance between them.

She gaped for a moment, watching him flee to the window, rankled with irritation prickling her skin in an oh so familiar feeling. It was almost like deja vu but as she rose she took a breath, smoothing back her hair and calmed her rising need to go over there and give him a swift kick.

'No, I don't think so. I won't be so easily dismissed like I did something wrong. What happened to not going back, Red?' She moved around the couch, into the space where the dining table sat and the alcove that held his bureau.

'Are you really going to sacrifice this?' Her voice held steady even as she watched his eye twitch and his jaw grind holding his silence, stubbornly.

Didn't he have to sacrifice this? He had to make her leave on her own, he had stop her moving any closer and he most certainly had to stop this conversation. You're a monster.

'I heard what happened, with the gun and Anna McMahon. I heard about Morgan.' She needed to try a different tact and as his attention snapped to her, she knew she'd hit a nerve. She moved closer, almost afraid to spook him. His eyes shined back at her, below his eye twitching.

'I'm sorry about Morgan…' She reached for him as he stood immobile, glaring in the half light.

'No.' He shoved her arms away, accidentally knocking her off balance and backward into a dining chair, his nostrils flaring as she grunted. He'd never laid a hand on her, never and now… Now he was this, proved a monster because he couldn't talk to her, still, even now the words stuck in his throat. God, you're a Monster.

He recoiled, moving passed her 'Go home.' He growled as tears stung her eyes in shock. He placed the couch between them as she righted herself, her hip twinged where it had dug into the back of the chair.

He stood in the archway of the kitchen, arms folded with his shirt tails loose around his hips. She could see his eyes glinting, his jaw grinding as he glared at her. He was pushing her and her hackles were rising, she could feel the bite beginning so if that's what he wanted why not give it to him. She faced him, a little breathless as she matched his scowl.

'So it was all a lie then.' She started evenly and she saw his body twitch, his mask slipping as his mouth drooped. 'The cabin, those wonderful days just the two of us. All of your assurances, none of it was real? Was it a way to control me because you did some stellar acting if that was so. Jesus.' She didn't believe it but she saw the hurt behind his eyes, his arms fell to his sides.

'Elizabeth…' He ground out her name like it was painful. How could she believe that? How could she think it for even one second? He looked at her, her face was impassive - no emotion behind her words. His eyes narrowed.

'No, I deserve to know that the lie you spun me was in fact that, a lie. The plans we made where never actually going to materialise because you're throwing yourself a little pity party for one. Only it's not just temporary is it, it's your way of life. Pushing everyone who cares about you away so all you have left is just you. I never thought you'd be one to play the victim but I guess I've been wrong about a lot lately.' She huffed, a scowl on her brow as she mirrored him, her arms folded, pushing her breasts together.

He couldn't tell how she felt, could read her but as his eyes scanned her body, he saw the hint of lace beneath the white blouse. His belly dipped, a thrill traveled down his spine as he fought to focus and shut his arosal down.

'It wasn't…' He growled, folding his arms across his chest.

'It wasn't what exactly? All just fucking bullshit? You ruined my life at the start, why not ruin it again? Why not see what you can get out of me before you leave me utterly ruined.' She was half way along the back of the couch, inching forward as he continued to glare back at her.

'I wasn't trying to ruin your life, goddamn it Elizabeth.' He snapped, his eyes flashing back and meeting her own fury. Except her's wasn't fury, she was playing on her doubts sure but as they had been, she no longer held such doubts but if his anger was any indication, he sure did.

Finally. Finally he reacted, biting back against her words, showing some kind of emotion, no longer standing silent while she railed. She felt a lump rise in her throat but swallowed it with her next words.

'Oh right so telling me what you love about me, making me come multiple times wasn't just some ploy, telling me about your family, wanting me to bring back my child, for fuck's sake!'

'It wasn't a fucking ploy, don't you see that Elizabeth?' He snarled stepping quickly towards her and for a moment she thought he would grab her and push up against the wall but he stopped just short, his eyes blazing back at her.

'I want you!' He boomed, 'I want everything I said I did — that's the fucking problem! I want it too much.' His voice lost some of it's intensity, cracking with emotion. 'I need you, I don't ever need anyone. My life is toxic, my presence has been nothing but a burden, a danger. How can I be anything but a curse to you?' He seemed to sag as she stared at him, he had never raised his voice to her, never cussed or spoken frankly or back in anyway. Her heart melted a little and she felt that lump rise again at just how far they had actually come.

'Oh Red, I don't care about any of that. I wouldn't be standing here if I did. Is that what you've been sitting here thinking about?' She reached out to him, her hand grazing his arm before he knocked it away.

'Don't.' He ground out. 'It's true, you said so yourself. I'm a monster, you'd do well to leave me alone. I should never have inserted myself into your life. It was weak.' He bit back moving away again.

'I said that a long time ago. I don't believe you're a monster, I wouldn't be contemplating bringing Agnes home if that's what I thought. Red…' She tried to reach for him but he moved away toward the archway to the kitchen.

'Just stop. We can't keep doing this. I will keep bringing danger into your life and I will keep being threatened. I could've died right there, I could've left you before we'd even begun and maybe that would've been for the fucking better!' His voice rose as he flung the words back at her, his anger contrasting her calmness in a complete role reversal.

'You don't believe that. If you did you wouldn't be worried about leaving me… Do you know how many lies we've told each other, trying to make this relationship work? And it didn't work until we stopped lying to each other, until we were honest about how we felt. I get being scared, I'm scared too, don't think I'm not but I'm happy with you not against you.' She inched closer, as his back turned away.

'I'm saying I'll go, I'm saying I will leave you to get on with your life without me because that is what's best Elizabeth.' He half turned to face her, his face contorted in anguish.

'Best for who, huh? Because it sure as hell isn't best for me! Don't fucking discount my feelings again.' She snapped, her hackles rising as her eyes flashed back at him.

'Aren't you happy because you left work?' He asked, a calmness to his voice, the kind she used to associate with danger but now as she stood her ground, all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him.

'Yes but…'

'Happy because you left working with me.' He clarified, his tone brutally hard.

'What? No… I mean, sure the work was stressful and traumatic but I am happy because of you. I am happy because we don't have to work together anymore, because I can see you like this without all the bullshit trauma that came with work. How can you not understand the difference?' Her resolve was waning, the doubt at the back of her mind was beginning to creep forward and the fear of him leaving her was starting to well up inside her.

'I don't Elizabeth.' He scowled back at her, his eyes hard and glaring.

'Remember that night in that seedy motel when I came in and accused you of being my father and you just stood there like you usually did. Did you just accept that role to keep me in your life because you loved me and any role would be better than me hating you. So you just accepted having that suffering foisted upon you?' She took another step closer as he ground his jaw, his eyes glinting at her in the half light. She took his silence to be agreement.

'You know what I think? I think it was to make me look at you differently, to push me away and keep me at a distance because you never once thought I might become attached to you. All those times you scolded me because I risked my life for you but you never once thought I might develop feelings for you, that I might love you back one day because the thought was so incomprehensible to you. I was so close to hating you back then and you were terrified of losing me So you know what? I don't think you'll walk away now because you can't. It's that simple. You love me, you always have and now I've told you I want you like that, I want you in my life, in my bed and to parent my child, you're just fucking scared.'

Her face was set with a conviction her voice echoed, a newly acquired confidence, that under other circumstance, he would've enjoyed seeing. She was scarily close to the truth but he was still holding on to the notion he could leave, that he would leave even if doubt niggled at him.

'Remember, that night I also talked about family, about how anger and fear and hatred are all normal in a family? Well we are going to be a family, only I don't hate you and I'm not angry anymore. I didn't come here to argue with you, I didn't come here to be shut out and pushed away. I came here to take you home because we are a family just not in the way I thought I wanted back then.' She stepped into his sphere, taking hold of his arm as he tried to pull it from her grasp. She reached up to cup his face,

'So let's just stop this madness now. I forgive you, you always forgive me so I'm going home and if you want to be with me, you will come and we can work this out because I love you and I know you love me. I'm tired of you ignoring what's right in front of you, when it's been very clear you felt something for a fucking long time.' She reached up, standing on tip toes to place a kiss against his lips. He was stiff against her, his eyes open and his mouth not responding but she tried to imbue the love she felt into that kiss.

When she pulled back, she side stepped around him. Picking up a filing box from the floor, she lifted the lid and took out the files it contained before she rose to stand. She turned back to him, her mouth quirked into a half smile.

'Oh and you might have done monstrous things but you were never a monster and I was wrong to say that. I'm sorry. Now I'm taking the cat and you will either come or you won't but I'm done talking about this tonight.' She went over to the partition where the cat was sat washing his face and scoped him up placing him into the box. She met his eye as he stood gaping at her before she left.

Suddenly I'm hit

Is this darkness or the dawn?

And your friends are gone

And your friends won't come

So show me where you fit…

- Jame Blake - Retrograde.