A/N: TW!!! Mentions of physical abuse and obvious emotional abuse.

Chapter 35

Mother Dearest

Olivia parked in front of the tiny house in Yonkers, sighing as she stared at the front door. Her foot was tapping against the floorboard as her fingers drummed against the steering wheel; her stomach immediately churning as she felt a lump in her throat.

Alex reached over and grabbed one of Olivia's hands, which was clammy – drenched with a cold sweat.

"It's okay, Liv. I'm here with you," Alex said softly.

Olivia looked down at her lap before swallowing and nodding, taking a few deep breaths as she got out of the car.

Once around to Alex's side of the car, she took a moment to stand in the grass, hands in her pockets as she stared at the house. She wanted to throw up. She wanted to run. She hated the way her mother had made her feel and treated her over the years, yet she always came back. Why?

Love. Through everything, she still loved her mother. And she was desperate every time she saw her to make it work, even though it never would. Why would this visit be any exception? Especially now that she brought her girlfriend with her. Oh, Serena was going to have a field day…

As she continued to stare at the house and think to herself, the silhouette of Serena Benson suddenly appeared in the window. Olivia immediately felt sick. She couldn't help but feel all color drain from her face as the lump in her throat dropped to the pit of her stomach. It wasn't too late to go back, was it?

"Is that her?" Alex whispered, standing next to Olivia, who only nodded in response. Just then, the front door opened and a woman yelled outside.

"Are you going to come in? Or are you going to stand there like a fucking serial killer?" The door closed as Serena retreated back inside.

Olivia's nostrils flared as she let out a large exhale, mumbling unintelligibly under her breath. Tucking her head down, she began walking to the door, motioning for Alex to follow her.

Upon opening the door, the air of the house was filled with cigarette smoke. The wooden floor creaked as Olivia made her way into the living room, standing in the doorway as her mom was smoking on the couch. Not even looking at her daughter, Serena began their conversation.

"Why do you always stand in the yard like that?" Serena asked, crossing her legs on the couch as she took a large drag of her cigarette, turning the volume down on the television. She still hadn't looked at Olivia yet.

"Like what?" Olivia asked, her tone colder than normal. She was always extremely on edge being around her mother.

"Like you're afraid to come in this house. I'm your mother, Olivia. You can come in the damned house. Stop acting like I beat you." Serena flicked her ashes in the ash tray as she picked up her coffee cup.

Olivia lightly flinched at the choice of words, with Alex noticing. She then turned up a corner of her lip before scoffing. "Seriously? That's the line you use?"

"Oh, stop acting like that. Do you know how many kids had it worse than you? Do you? You got what you deserved growing up. I won't apologize for it. You'd think being an adult now you'd smarten up a bit."

Alex couldn't believe the words she was hearing. She felt her skin prickle as she swallowed, fighting the urge to defend Olivia. She carefully placed her hand on the small of Olivia's back to let her know she was still there. Olivia flinched at the contact, but quickly settled down remembering Alex was with her.

"I'd 'smarten up?' What does that even mean?"

Serena sighed, finally turning to look at Olivia. "That you'd finally realize I whipped your ass as a kid and a teenager to make you a better person. But nope! You always have this… victim agenda about you. I don't understand. You didn't get that weakness from me."

Olivia gritted her teeth together and puckered her lips as tears stung behind her eyes. She wanted to explode. Was her mother serious, right now?

"Whatever…" Olivia mumbled to the floor, her voice cracking.

Alex was in no better condition. Her chest was tightening. Her blood was boiling. No wonder Olivia doesn't want to ever talk about her…

"Now, if you're done trying to fight with me, come sit down." Serena pointed to the empty chair across from the couch. Olivia didn't move.

"I brought someone with me. Are you going to say 'hi' at all, or just pretend she doesn't exist?"

Serena quickly flicked her eyes up to Alex as she exhaled the last smoke from her cigarette, crushing it into the ashtray. "Depends. I don't know her. Who is she, one of your… flings?"

Olivia scoffed again as she shook her head, running her tongue across her teeth before answering. "Nah, Ma. She's not a fling. She's my girlfriend."

Serena immediately lit another cigarette, nodding as she blew out the first puff of smoke. "That makes it worse. Aren't you done sinning the way you do? I know you did this growing up just to upset me, but you don't even live here anymore. Why keep this up? Are you really that vindictive? Or do you just want a first class ticket to hell?"

"Oh my God…" Olivia groaned. "Ma. I have told you, since I was 13. I am a lesbian. This isn't some 'thing' that I'm doing to upset you. I am always going to be this way. It will not change."

Serena waved her off. "I'm not talking about this anymore. Not in my house. Now sit down, Olivia."

Olivia sunk down into the chair, but not before pulling a cigarette from her mom's carton on the table, lighting it up. Alex took a seat next to her in the rocking chair that was parallel to the recliner.

"You gonna pay me for that?" Serena said, taking a drag.

Olivia shook her head and scoffed, blowing out her own drag. "What, 50 cents, Ma? It's one cigarette."

"And it was mine to smoke," Serena replied coldly.

"You'll live," Olivia grumbled.

"You really want to speak to your mother like that in front of your… girlfriend? Or whatever she is. Look at me, honey," Serena said, now finally talking to Alex.

Alex hesitantly flicked her eyes up to meet the cold gaze of Serena Benson.

"You're a pretty girl. Look like you'd make a good wife. Do yourself a favor, and don't get hung up on this one." Serena pointed to Olivia. "You're young. You'll come to your senses. Find yourself a good man, they're hard to come by. I can't imagine that someone as pretty as you wants to waste their time with a dyke."

"What the fuck?" Olivia said angrily, her eyebrows pressed together as she glared at her mother, rage coursing through her now. "Don't speak to her like that. What's wrong with you?!"

Serena laughed at Olivia's outburst. "I didn't say anything mean to her! Honestly, you're so fucking sensitive."

Olivia clenched her hand into a fist, her knuckles becoming white as she tapped her foot against the ground. "Do you have to use the term 'dyke?' Do you even understand how derogatory that is?"

Serena shrugged. "If you want to act like one, then that's what you'll be called. It's a word, Olivia. Get over yourself. Now, I need to order us something to eat. Chinese?"

"Sure," Olivia grumbled, staring at the wall.

The words cut her like a knife. No matter how much time ever passed between visits, her mother was always as cold and calculated as the time before; throwing slurs and insults her way to continually break down her walls she spent years building up.

Serena didn't even ask what everyone wanted; she just called and ordered something before hanging up the phone, sitting in the silence of the room.

"Well," Serena said, adjusting her position on the couch. "What's your name, honey? You must not be that important to Olivia if she won't even introduce you with a name."

Alex had to swallow a few times to re-wet her mouth. It was absolutely dry from the tension and stuffiness of the room.

"My name is Alex. And I'm very important to Olivia, actually." Alex tried to defend herself and Olivia, but her voice was shaky in her response.

"Hmm." Serena said, studying Alex. "So what number are you?"

"I'm sorry?" Alex said, not understanding the question.

"What number girl are you for her this year? She used to keep track of her conquests, you know. Thought she was some hot shot."

Olivia sighed as she interjected the conversation. "Seriously? Can you just… not bring shit like that up? I was 19. You shouldn't have been snooping in my shit anyways, Ma."

"You live in my house, I'll snoop in whatever I damn well please. You seriously don't keep your little score book anymore? Since we're in December I figure you'd be up to the 40s by now! I was only curious. Seemed to me you were trying to be the female Hugh Hefner," Serena scoffed.

Olivia buried her head in her hand. She was so ready to leave. "40s? Are you trying to make me sound like a whore?"

"Your book had 42 names in it," Serena said, flicking her eyes over to Alex to see her expression. Truth be told, Alex did feel a little uneasy. 42?

"Yeah, that started when I was 13, Ma! You make it sound like that was all from one year! And it wasn't a 'conquest' list either, for fucks sake. It was every girl I had ever had a crush on or flirted with or kissed. Even celebrities! Jesus, are you trying to get her to hate me?"

Alex immediately felt guilty, because she had took Serena's words for the truth. She immediately chastised herself in her mind, for thinking that Olivia had had that many partners by 19. Her stomach was sick over it; she wanted nothing more than to apologize to Olivia for even entertaining the thought.

"She should know what she's getting herself into with you," Serena said, lighting up yet another cigarette.

"Olivia is wonderful to me," Alex said, her voice weak.

Serena lifted her eyebrows at Alex before chuckling and shaking her head. "If you say so, honey. Don't say I didn't try to warn ya. And don't come crying at the doorstep once she dumps you."

"Olivia is the nicest, most caring person I've ever met," Alex continued, her body trembling. She didn't know whether it was anger, fear, or a combination of the two.

Serena immediately started laughing. "How much did she pay you to say that? The day this girl is nice and caring is the day hell freezes over."

Olivia's leg was bobbing up and down rapidly as she chewed on the end of her thumb. She was staring blankly into the coffee table, watching as the smoke from the cigarette gently lifted in the air and spread throughout the room. Her skin was starting to crawl. This had been a mistake – to ever introduce Alex to her mother, was a mistake. There's no way they would come out of this the same. She was sure Serena would ruin this, somehow. All of the times she introduced anyone to her mother, it ended badly. It was too much baggage – too much for people to handle. Her mother had successfully pushed anyone Olivia cared about away.

Well, except for Elliot. Serena loved Elliot. She never stopped referring to him as her boyfriend after they met.

"Maybe you don't really know her that well, then," Alex mumbled, her voice shaking.

Serena raised an eyebrow at Alex. "Ah. Now I see why she likes you. You're just as mouthy as she is. Do you talk to your mother like that?"

That was enough.

"Nah, that's it," Olivia said, getting up. "This was a mistake. Come on, Alex. I'm not listening to this shit anymore."

"Olivia, come on! Sit down!" Serena commanded, laughing. "Jesus, such a snowflake."

Olivia stopped in the doorway, leaning against it. Her breathing was hard as she bit her lip, trying not to explode. But it was too late. Her blood had reached the boiling point. Everything was about to finally come out. Hearing her mother talk to Alex like that was the final straw. Turning around, flames in her eyes, Olivia laid everything out on the table.

"I'm not a snowflake, Serena. At all. I'm not even the problem here! It's you! It's literally always been you!" Tears finally began to start pooling in Olivia's eyes as she dumped her feelings out. "You make these smart-ass comments to me, and literally anyone I ever bring around to pit them against me. I understand that you wish you would've aborted me 21 years ago, but guess what? You didn't. So you're stuck with a lesbian for a daughter, that looks like the man that assaulted you. And I'm sorry. But I have news for you. If you would've ever taken the time out of your day, to be nice to me for 5 God damned minutes, I'd like to believe that you would see I'm NOTHING like him, whoever the fuck the bastard is. I'm not weak. I'm not a stupid dyke. I'm not a fucking disappointment. I'm a God damned human, with real fucking feelings. And I care about people. A lot. Including you, who quite frankly, doesn't fucking deserve it. Do you honestly know how many nights I spent crying because of you? When you found me kissing a girl the first time and drug me by the hair into the house before you slapped me in the face? Or how about the times you'd get drunk, look at me like I was the worst person in your life, and throw me against the wall before hitting me? You say you never beat me, but that's a fucking lie. You'd hit me every time you'd drink! Or every time I showed someone other than you any attention! And here I am, trying to forgive you. Why? You don't fucking deserve it! You don't deserve shit from me. I don't owe you for my fucking life! You're supposed to be my mom. But you're not. You're just a cold hearted bitch."

Olivia's face was completely red; tears streaming down her face as she finally let years of tension pour out of her. Her throat was raw from her outburst and she was trembling in the doorway, staring daggers into her mother. She didn't understand how the person that gave her life could act so cruel to their own flesh and blood for so many years.

Alex was frozen to the chair, watching Olivia as she fought back tears of her own, trying to process everything Olivia had just called her mother out on. Did she… say she… hit her? Her mom would hit her?! No… why?

Serena's expression became cold and evil, staring directly at Olivia's eyes and right through her. Slowly standing up, Serena paced her way over to stand directly in front of Olivia, holding her face inches apart.

"I am, your mother. Whether you like it or not, Olivia. You hate me? Fine. But you won't fucking disrespect me in my home." Serena spoke to her through gritted teeth as she backed Olivia into the doorway. "Are you really going to embarrass yourself in front of your friend?"

Breathing hard and still shaking, Olivia looked into her mother's eyes as her nostrils flared. Quietly, she whispered her next words. "What are you gonna do, Serena? Hit me? No, that's right. You won't. Because now there's a fucking witness. And God forbid you show anyone who you truly are."

Serena didn't break her intense gaze. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Olivia. You must have me confused with someone else. Now I suggest you sit the hell down, so we can enjoy our Christmas together."

Olivia shook her head. "No. I'm not doing this. Alex, let's go."

Alex quietly got up and made her way closer to Olivia, but stayed back far enough since Serena was blocking the doorway.

"You walk out of here, and I'm done with you," Serena threatened.

"Great. I'll come get my shit in a few weeks," Olivia said, leaning over to grab Alex's hand as they headed out the door.

"You'll regret it, Olivia!" Serena yelled from the front door. "You'll always regret losing your mother!"

Olivia clenched her eyes shut as she closed the final distance to the car, slamming the door as she got inside. Everything around her was ringing as the adrenaline in her body coursed through her. She grabbed the steering wheel tightly with her hands until her knuckles were white, blood pounding in her ears as her heart thudded rapidly inside of her.

And then the panic set in. Olivia's breathing immediately became rapid. Every breath she sucked in didn't feel like enough air to fill her lungs. All of a sudden, her skin was crawling as she continued to try and breathe. She needed to throw up. Her throat was tightening as her body began shaking; everything felt like it was ending around her.

"Baby," Alex said softly, placing her hand carefully on Olivia's knee. "Baby, look at me. Liv."

Olivia could barely understand Alex, her mind was swimming so much, but somehow she knew what she said – Turning to look at her as she harshly sucked in air.

"I'm right here, Olivia. It's okay, baby. Just look at me. Focus on me, okay?" Alex reached up to the steering wheel to grab Olivia's hands, releasing them from their death grip. "Just look at me, Liv."

Olivia nodded as she looked in Alex's soft blue eyes, her body still trembling as she struggled to steady her breathing.

"Breathe with me." Alex began breathing deep, animating her body up and down with each long inhale and exhale, encouraging Olivia to follow suit. "That's it," Alex nodded, speaking softly. "Deep breaths, Liv. You're doing great, sweetheart."

Alex continued her instructed breathing with Olivia until she was breathing calmly again. And once she was settled down, the sobs hit her. Her lower lip trembled as she bent her head down in her hands, crying.

"Why does she hate me?" Olivia choked out.

Alex felt her chest tighten at the words. Olivia's voice was riddled with hurt; years of emotional – and physical – abuse from her mother, seeping their way out of Olivia through her sobs and words.

"Because she hates herself," Alex said softly, causing Olivia to look over at her, her brown eyes red, puffy, and wet.

"Olivia…" Alex continued, trying to be cautious in her words. "Is… did… did she really… hit you?"

Olivia closed her eyes as her lip began to tremble again. Unwilling to open her eyes, Olivia just nodded slowly.

"I'm so sorry…" Alex placed her hand carefully on Olivia's back as she rubbed it. "You never, ever deserved that. Ever."

Olivia only nodded her head again as she wiped her eyes and turned on the car before beginning the 20 minute drive back to campus.

The first 10 minutes were quiet, neither Alex nor Olivia saying a word. Alex kept her hand on Olivia's leg, lightly rubbing it in an attempt to comfort her. She couldn't help her thoughts, however, which were still thinking about Olivia having to deal with any kind of abuse growing up. She was angry; livid; fuming, you name it. Against her better judgement, she turned to Olivia for more information.

"Liv… did you ever tell anyone?" Alex asked softly.

Olivia shook her head. "No. There was no one to tell."

"Even at school?" Alex tried.

Olivia chuckled. "Please. Half the kids I went to school with had it worse than me, just like Mom said… they still went home to their parents every night, and they had bruises. My mom knew better than to leave marks visible."

Alex felt her chest tighten again as her own lip began to tremble. Thinking about this was almost too much for her to handle. Swallowing, she responded.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Slapping me was her favorite. I'd have a nice red mark on my face for a while, but it would always be gone by morning. Sometimes when she was drunk, though, she'd throw things at me and slam me into walls. The few times she punched me, it was always in the stomach. It's actually why I started working out as a teenager. So I could flex my muscles so the pain wouldn't hurt has bad. And so I could get stronger in case I needed to fight her back one day. But I could never bring myself to do it."

Alex wiped away a stray tear from her eye as she listened to Olivia – trying to stop the images of Serena hitting her out of her mind.

"Olivia, I… I don't even know what to say… about any of this… except that your mother is probably the worst person I've ever met… and that I'm so, so sorry." Alex wiped away a few more tears from her own eyes as Olivia silently continued to drive.

Olivia pulled in front of Alex's dorm and got out to open the door for Alex. Grabbing her bag from the trunk, Alex turned to Olivia and immediately threw her arms around her shoulders, holding her tightly.

"Please come with me for Christmas…" Alex pleaded through tears.

Olivia lightly held Alex back, her arms wrapped around her waist.

"No, Al. Be with your family. I'll be okay here, I promise."

Alex pulled back and looked in Olivia's eyes. She could see the hurt and the pain in them. She brought one of her hands to Olivia's face, rubbing her thumb across her cheek. Olivia closed her eyes and leaned into Alex's hand, nuzzling against it.

"I love you, Olivia Benson. I mean it. No matter what just happened there, my feelings didn't change for you. She only made me love you more." Alex pulled Olivia's face to her own, kissing her deeply as she felt hot tears stream between their cheeks.

Pulling away slightly, Olivia kept her forehead to Alex's. "I love you, Alexandra. I'll see you in a month, okay?"

Alex let out a whimper as she threw her arms back around Olivia's shoulders, holding her tightly.

This wasn't a breakup. Why did it feel like one?

"Promise me, you'll call and text me? And promise me you'll see me the moment I'm back?" Alex pleaded with a whisper.

"I promise," Olivia said, placing a tender kiss to Alex's neck before breaking away. "See you later, Al."