I woke up to an altar full of food again. Though, was it just me, or did the pile look smaller than normal? I tried to banish thoughts of how the campers (or at least some of them) had decided to stop supporting me, leaving me down here to rot… or become a monster. I acted like one anyway, didn't I? I tried to tell myself that Annabeth wouldn't share something so personal after I asked her not to, but rumors got around and if anyone saw that part of my note…

I told myself it was the atmosphere of Tartarus getting to me again, amplifying my negativity, but that only did so much, no matter how true the statement was. Tartarus itself wouldn't be so bad if it didn't push my negative thoughts and emotions to extremes. With emotions came power, the stronger the feeling, the stronger the power, obviously. I tried not to give in because I knew what kind of damage I could do if I really let go of myself—especially now. The problem was, keeping a hold on my anger felt like herding a group of gryphons sometimes. I could do it, and usually did, mainly through sheer practice. Keeping myself afloat through depression and anxiety though… that got difficult.

The PTSD Annabeth said I had likely didn't help. She'd written that it "can exacerbate emotional extremes". Too bad Tartarus seemed terribly short on therapists or medication for some reason.

Swallowing, I steeled my nerves as best I could and forced myself to walk to the altar. It seemed to take every ounce of energy and emotional strength I had to do so.

Yes. Right there, on the corner, was a note. With several pages. Folded, with my name written on top.

Hating how my hand trembled, I picked it up. My imagination ran wild with everything she could have written… and very few of them were good. But I had to do this.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the letter and forced myself to read:

Dear Percy,

I thought long and hard about what I should write back. I have been taking psychology, counseling, and therapy classes but… this feels above my pay grade. But, seeing as I'm the one you told, I will do my best to help you. Just know this may need to be revisited in the future as we both learn more.

First, please don't take this as pity, it's not, but I'm still sad and sorry you have to go through that. I told you to live, so some of this is on me, but I also trust you enough to know that if you had to use that ability to control the arai, or protect yourself from a Titan, giant, or another strong monster, then you had to and there probably wasn't another choice. Even if there was, I know you came up with what you could when you could. You've never done things by half. I know you tried your hardest.

I also know you have your flaws—all of us do—but you are a good person, Percy. You like a good fight, but I know you don't like seeing anyone, even monsters in pain. You don't enjoy people fearing you. I admire you for that. I always have, because I've known people who revel in those traits, not all of them demigods or even gods. I'm sure you have too. Those kinds of people are the worst. Pain is inevitable in any life, I think, but those who create and exacerbate it intentionally…

You have so many other good traits too. You love your mother so much, and I've always been a little jealous of the bond you two have. You've loved your little sister from the moment you found out about her. No jealousy, no resentment… just love. That doesn't even touch on how amazing of a fighter you are or how so many people in the camp look up to you. How you've beaten the odds so many times and come out on the other side stronger for it.

And I know this will be no different.

Even if you are physically turned into a monster, if anyone can beat the odds and retain their humanity, it's you, Percy. And I will still love you even if you have boils and your hair falls out and you grow tentacles… hmm, maybe that could be interesting, actually…

But I love you.

And I am coming for you.

Please don't ever forget either one of those.

I hope that helps.

I stopped reading for several seconds as my eyes watered. How was I so lucky to have a girlfriend like that? She'd known exactly what I needed to hear somehow. Even without her being here, she was still supporting me. I couldn't do this without her.

I sat there for several seconds, just breathing as I came to terms with everything she'd said. I even read that part over once more before I went on.

Whether it does or not, I've included a list of calming and coping techniques you should try.

I laughed. Long and loud. Because that was just like my girlfriend. My pragmatic, planning, architecture-loving girlfriend.

The rest of the letter outlined her ideas for me to go and get all of the water from the different rivers in Tartarus. Apparently, they all emptied into a lake downstream called 'The Delta of Despair'. Lovely name. That was where I needed to go if I wanted to find all of the rivers' water and maybe some of all of them combined, although she had no information on what such a combination of water would do. It would either be immensely powerful, or the different powers would negate each other somehow. She bet on the former, though, and cautioned me heavily to be careful around those waters. Multiple times. In multiple languages.

(She also said to record everything I could because I was in a position to learn so much. Oh, Annabeth.)

Her plan was good. Certainly better than trekking across the entirety of this place, hopping from river to river on my ice-bike and attracting who knows how many monsters. This brought down my travel time, and thus my chances of stumbling into something I couldn't handle. Part of me bristled at that, but part of me remembered Jane and completely agreed with her. There were things I couldn't handle here and I knew it. I'd known it since the Titan War. I learned that the hard way.

Then, she updated me about the goings-on at camp. Not that I didn't already know because she wrote a lot in her notebooks, but those were mainly for ideas to help keep me alive. It was nice to just get a long letter on how everyone was doing while I ate.

And then I got to the next (likely accidental) bomb.

Your mother and Paul say hi. I know I've passed on letters from them before, but they couldn't get any to me this time. Oh, and Estelle says hi and she can't wait to meet you. I can't believe she's eight already. Super smart kid too. She's doing so well in school…

My brain stopped processing words as that caught up with me.

Eight.

Estelle was eight?

I'd been in Tartarus for eight years?!

I'd missed eight years of her life.

I knew I'd been down here for years but… eight?! I thought four, maybe five at the most.

I… I would be turning twenty five, if I hadn't already. Annabeth too.

I couldn't even tell when my birthday happened. I had to depend on the shrine…

Time passed differently in the Pit. I knew it, but right then it hit me. Hard.

Would I get back in time to start a family with Annabeth? We'd talked about having kids before… not seriously, but I knew she wanted them, and I did too. Greek demigods getting to be that age seemed to be so rare…

How long would either one of us really last? Was the life I wanted—that I'd worked so hard for—even remotely possible now?

I'd hated the gods for what they'd already done to me, but for just a moment, I despised them. If a monster would have popped up and asked if I'd help them take over Olympus, I would have agreed. Even if it went directly against what Annabeth had just written about me, I wanted them hurt–to suffer like they'd made me suffer. I think that was the first time I cried from sheer anger. Not heaving sobs or shuddering breaths, but I did feel a tear or two roll down my cheeks as my teeth clenched so hard my jaw ached.

But I didn't care. It wasn't like anyone was there to see me. And whose fault was that?

The only thing that stopped me from standing up and going to find Koios was, ironically enough, the note in my hand. The very reason I was so angry was the reason I'd jumped to begin with.

I needed to calm down.

But that was easier said than done. I had every reason to hate them. Hate their injustice that had me fighting for my life 24/7–that had had me fighting for my life since I was born. The pain and torture of Tartarus was bad enough, but the fact that I was missing so much?! All because of their stupid greed and control-freakishness?!

That's totally a word, Annabeth.

The incongruity of that thought, along with the image of my girlfriend rolling her eyes brought my spiraling inner monologue to a screeching halt. Control-freakishness? Really?

I snickered and felt the tension leave my shoulders. ADHD saved me again, I supposed. And my girlfriend.

It still hurt, to realize how long I'd been gone and how much unnecessary pain I was going through but… I refused to become the thing they feared. I refused to let my unjust punishment be justified in their minds.

I'd become quite the expert when it came to living on spite.

I tried to distract myself, looking around at the shrine. I saw a thin layer of frost lying all over it. The food, the altar, the stone, the dirt, the pillars…

Yeah. I really needed to calm down, so I took several deep breaths before grabbing a slice of pizza.

I went back to reading the letter, hoping that would help, and it did, to an extent. Every word hit home as to what I was missing. What I would miss for a long time to come. What I could never get back. But it was also news of my friends and family living happily. I knew most of them would be even happier with me there (I would be too), so it didn't make me jealous of them, just upset that I couldn't be there to share it. But their happiness did give me hope.

Then I spent time sorting food while I thought about what Annabeth had said, about my next 'quest' and what I may run into. I tried not to think of how long I'd been gone (almost a third of my life!) and decided to focus on how my friends and family were doing instead.

Then, finally, I was able to write back.

I've never been a man of many words. My battle cry was, 'Greeks, fight stuff!' So I'd tried to write a big letter three times before I just settled on what I really felt:

Annabeth,

Thanks, Wise Girl. I really needed to hear that. Even now, you're carrying me.

Tell Mom, Paul, and Estelle that I'm looking forward to the day I see them again.

I know you're coming for me. I'll be here. Promise.

Percy

After burning that, I spent the next several hours training with both Riptide and my water manipulation, just trying to clear my head. It helped. Then I headed back for dinner, sorted some more food to be packed, and headed to bed.

I didn't remember dreams that night. Honestly, I wasn't sure if that worried me or relieved me more when I woke in the 'morning'. Then again, gift-horses and mouths and all that. It was an obligatory metaphor, according to Annabeth. I agreed. We're Greek.

I spent that day split between training and writing letters back and forth to anyone who wanted to drop a note. I'd gotten some really weird ones since I asked Annabeth and Leo to tell the camp that anyone who wanted to talk to me was welcome to. That day was no different. Seriously, how would I know what color someone from the Aphrodite cabin should wear on a date? (Rose red or maroon… seriously, what was the difference?! And I couldn't even see the dresses! I wasn't even sure they were asking about dresses.)

Sadly, my Phlegethon water began to run low the next 'day' and so I let them know with a heavy heart that I'd be leaving. At least I wouldn't have any issue carrying all the food back this time. I'd also got back within a couple of hours instead of days. I could definitely get used to that. I felt like I was riding those Star Wars bike-things. Which was epic. (Too bad the rest of my life–especially currently–wasn't.)

Once I got back to my cave and refroze everything that had begun to melt (I really needed to find a way around that) I began to prepare for my trip down the river. Honestly, I had no idea how long that would take me, but I didn't think it should take longer than getting to the shrine and the darklands. Even if it did compare to the darklands distance wise, I'd at least be able to see the whole time and stay above the river, which meant I could stay safe from most monsters. Definitely a relief.

And the best yet, all I had to do was follow the river downstream. It would lead me right to my destination. No detours, no having to cross land, just following the river. Still, I packed for two weeks, threw ice over the entrance to my cave and slept in preparation. Just in case.

I didn't remember having any dreams when I woke up, but I knew I'd had some and they hadn't been pleasant. No surprise there, but I still hated how shaky I felt all morning because of it.

Tiredly, I packed up my sleeping bag and everything else I would be using before unfreezing the entrance to my cave.

And running right into a surprisingly silent pack of cynocephali.

I honestly sighed. No fear or worry, just resignation as I used some of the water and ice in my cave to freeze them all down, then simply walked by them, cutting through them with Riptide as I went. They looked a little familiar. Maybe these were the cynocephali who had claimed the cave before I came?

I just shook my head tiredly, stepped outside to an empty view, thankfully, and froze my cave behind me. I still made sure I had my balls of water floating around me, not including the Acheron water I'd gotten earlier. I had no idea if the potency of the water had a shelf-life like the Phlegethon water did, though I still thought that had a lot to do with the heat. Either way, I was getting fresh Acheron water.

It didn't take long to remake my bike and set off, plenty of plastic bottles and canteens hanging from my backpack and stacked on the back of my bike. That would make my trip back all the heavier once they were filled, but so be it. Any extra firepower I could get would be worth it.

I stayed above the Phlegathon for the next several hours (ish), looking around for landmarks I could remember and use in the future in case I had to leave the river. Honestly, I saw mainly strangely shaped mountains and little else, most of it barren. So rocks, rocks, and oh, look, more rocks. And monster zits. It was depressing, so I tried not to think about it.

I sensed the water of the other rivers before I saw them. Naturally. I felt water from the Cocytus first. The river of wailing and lamentation, or grief. Then I sensed the Styx, with its sluggish water of death and hate. The Acheron (I certainly remembered that one, woe and misery—I wished I could forget) came in on the right just before the Lethe on the farthest left.

By that time, I also sensed a sort of… denseness in front of me. Each river held a concentration of their specific emotion, and as the Phlegethon grew wider, signaling I was coming up on the end of it, I could sense a combination of all of them.

It was, in a word, the darkest thing I'd ever experienced. A drenching blackness that could not be seen, heard, or smelled (although I was definitely smelling something disgusting), but none of that mattered because I could feel it seeping into me. The monster zits began to peter off even more than they had before and somehow, the land looked even more desolate, almost sickly. I got the sense that the closer to this Delta of Despair I got, the fewer monsters I would run into. Part of me was more than fine with that. Part of me went higher on alert than ever. Anything that scared off monsters was not something to be messed with.

Annabeth hated when she was right sometimes. I did too. This was definitely one of those times.

Still, I could do little more than swallow and move on.

Eventually I saw the lake (or sea?) in the distance. It looked more like a black hole than a lake. Tartarus didn't have a lot of light to begin with, but nothing seemed to reflect off of the water I could sense there. And it was water. It was… disconcerting to see the Phlegethon's heat and light fade off into utter blackness like that. Once I got closer, I could see the remains of… things floating on the top every now and then. As I watched, they would sink and never resurface. It took me a while to realize I was seeing the remnants of the broken dreams carried in the Styx. It made me feel a little sick to realize these broken dreams just floated down the river and drowned in literal despair at the end. I wasn't sure why that made me sick and didn't want to think about it too much.

Deciding I didn't want to get much closer until I had to, I slowed my momentum and hovered above the glowing river for a moment, looking around and seeing nothing. No movement. Nothing growing. Not even a breeze. The lake stretched on in the distance to a point where I couldn't see the other side. It made the rest of Tartarus look almost cheerful, and far more lively. I shuddered.

Keeping my eye on the water, I turned my bike to the left and just decided to travel across the land to the next river over, not wanting to go any farther down the river just yet. I hit the Cocytus first, after only a couple of minutes, filling a fifth of the canteens I brought before grabbing an orb and letting it trail behind me with the seawater orbs. That exercise had almost become second nature by this point.

(Eight years—NO! Don't think about it…)

The Styx came next, with its absolutely filthy water sluggishly moving along. It was easier to control the water than I remembered but didn't really want to think about that much either (that happened a lot down here). I still filled the next fifth of the bottles before letting a much more lethargic ball form in the air beside the Phlegethon, Cocytus and sea water.

Last on this side of the Phlegethon came the Lethe. Having witnessed the effects of this particular river, I made sure to be extra careful as I filled the next fifth of the bottles. It took a little longer than I would have liked, but with an extra ball of new water joining the others, I finished my business with that one. Wasn't sure if I liked the brownish hue it had better than the Styx water, but I wasn't exactly planning on drinking it.

That left one more river and the lake, as I figured I didn't need to fill any bottles with the Phlegethon. I had plenty of those already and wasn't planning on leaving its bank any time soon. Still, I would have to backtrack and honestly, it would probably be faster if I just went over the water… But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Flying over that lake would be unnecessary trouble, more so than normal. But I could still gather that water now.

Carefully approaching the edge of the lake, I tentatively poked it with my power. It… felt like the Styx had before, sluggish and slow to react to me. A little annoyed, I grit my teeth and forced the water to move. It took more will and effort than I wanted to admit, but eventually I filled up the second to last fifth of the bottles I'd brought. Each of the lake water bottles felt heavier than all of the others combined, like they weighed tons each. Which kind of made sense with Greek rules.

I really had spent too long in Tartarus.

(A minute is a minute too long in Tartarus.)

(Man, I would need so much therapy if—no, when I got out again. Do they even have therapists for demigods?)

I moved my ice-bike back the way I'd come, wincing at how much more effort I had to put into moving it than before. That… could be a problem. How long would it take me to get back to the cave like this? Then again, I could likely just build myself an ice refuge somewhere and sleep, like I had before. But still…

I sighed and went to push on.

"So few visit this area," a familiar voice that barely sounded like a voice at all made me jump a mile and look around for the figure I knew would be there. Sure enough, I found creepy armor over enormous black boots all topped off by a vaguely human face with what looked like literal black-holes for eyes.

I swallowed. "Tartarus," I said warily.

He cocked his head to one side. "Is it in your culture to address your superiors by their name so casually?"

That really rubbed me the wrong way. I'd talked to him a handful of times before and he hadn't said anything. But… I wasn't stupid. Maybe it was just a whim of his. Theirs?

Not going there.

"Sir," I managed to get out through gritted teeth.

"Ah, it is a matter of… pride? Fear? But more complicated than that."

I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Backwards. In Greek and English. "With all due respect, sir," I said as calmly as I could under the circumstances. It wasn't great, but I hoped the effort would at least stop me from getting killed. "What do you want?"

He smiled. Or… his face split in half. "I wanted to be here to observe your battle."

My stomach sank and my blood froze in my veins. I swore I felt my heart stop as I immediately went on alert.

"Battle?"

And then the black lake water moved. I leaped off my bike just in time to avoid a tendril of water grabbing my ice-bike. And everything stacked on/in it. I had to reach out with my power to stop it from dragging my belongings under the lake. I grunted as it pulled harder. I grit my teeth and yanked. The bike, or what was left of it, moved back towards me a little. I did not want all my hard work undone, not to mention it would take me ages to get all those bottles and canteens from the surface-world again.

And then more water tentacles came shooting at me and I had to jump away, though I refused to let go of my bike. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something… blob-like come ambling out of the lake, filled with murky, black water that looked more like pitch or molasses as half-dissolved items from the Styx drifted all over it.

I reeled back in disgust. It didn't smell great either. And then it ambled forward. Towards me.

I was being attacked by Tartarus' very own blob monster. With tentacles.

Joy.

xXx

AN: I got a distinct "ANNABETH, NO! LMHO" from one of my beta readers, and then an "ANNABETH, YES! LMHO" from one, and just about died laughing. Since I figured she was trying to make him laugh, it doesn't up the rating. If anyone disagrees, let me know.

Thank you to my lovely beta readers:

Thanks to Berix, Asterius Daemon, Ajax, Starlight 3 (luv) and Quathis!

Title of next chapter: Of Precious Things, Losing, Gaining, and Losing Again

Discord: discord. gg/xDDz3gqWfy (no spaces)