Gandalf: Ah, Mr. Baggins. I'm so glad you could join us.
Bilbo: Where's my money?
Gandalf: Oh, we're just going to go get it now.
Bilbo: Really? Why don't you have your wallet with you?
Gandalf: I do, but I just need to get a little more money.
Bilbo: *suspicious* …where from?
Gandalf: …Erebor.
Bilbo: No, fuck that, I want it NOW!
Gandalf: What's the problem Bilbo?
Bilbo: YOU HELD A DWARF RAVE AT MY HOUSE!
Dwalin: Actually, it was a dwarf orgy.
Bilbo: A dwarf WHAT?!
Fili: We sometimes called it a dworgy.
Balin: By the way, you may want to burn your couch when we get back.
Bilbo: *through gritted teeth* Why would you…
Gloin: Because it's hard to find dwarf woman these days. Hell, my own wife has a thicker beard than I do.
Kili: You're married?
Gloin: And I have a kid. Gimli. Ah, I hope I make it home to see the little tyke.
Ori: How old is he?
Gloin: Sixty-two.
Ori: …right…
Gandalf: Alright, off we go.
Bilbo: HEY! You get your ass back here.
Balin: Don't worry about it, Mr. Bilbo. Once you help us rob the dragon Smaug, you'll have more than enough money to do whatever you want.
Bilbo: And that's another thing: I did NOT agree to help rob anyone, dragon or otherwise.
Thorin: You'll do as I say, because I am a king.
Bilbo: And doing a great job of it too. Tell me: what's your kingdom like these days?
Thorin: …Gandalf, are we sure this is the best we can do?
Gandalf: Don't worry Thorin, I'll be with you the whole way to Erebor to make sure he does the job properly.
*later, in a rainstorm*
Thorin: WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT WIZARD?!
Bilbo: I know, right? He still owes me money.
Dori: Hey, look over there. Looks like someone's made a fire.
Nori: Our thief should go and check it out.
Bilbo: Well, what are you waiting for?
Bombur: He means you, jackass.
Bilbo: When have I ever shown any inclination for thievery?
Bofur: In about two minutes from now.
Bilbo: Look, there is no way that I'm going to steal for you, and that's final.
*two minutes later*
Bilbo: *sneaking towards the fire* How the fuck did I end up here? *getting close and seeing what was there* Hmm, those appear to be trolls…OH SHIT!
Tom: Hey, did you hear something?
Bert: It sounds like someone saw us.
Bilbo: No, no, it absolutely doesn't sound like that at all.
William: You hear that, morons? That's not what it is.
Tom: Well, if it's not that, then what is it?
Bert: Yeah, mysterious disembodied voice, what are you?
Bilbo: I'm, uh…nothing. Just an illusion of your collective imaginations.
William: You think I'm stupid or something? I don't even know what half those words mean, therefore you can't be that.
Bilbo: …what? *gets grabbed*
Tom: AH HA! Got you, whatever you are.
Bilbo: Yes, yes, very good. Now, you go hide and I'll find you.
Tom: Okay. And remember, you have to count to a hundred, to make sure I have enough time to find a super good hiding spot.
Bilbo: Yeah, I know. Better get going then *turns his back* One…two…
Bert: God damn it Tom, you're supposed to be the smart one of us. Can't you see he's trying to trick us?
Tom: I thought Bill was the smart one of us?
William: Don't sell yourself short Bert, you're pretty smart.
Bilbo: Right, well, while you're working that out, I'm just gonna… *sneaks out of the clearing, only to run straight into the dwarves* What are you guys doing here?
Oin: We were checking to see what was taking so long.
Dwalin: Now that we know it's trolls, we can… *gets picked up*
Tom: Do what, exactly?
Thorin: Men, ATTACK!
Balin: Sir, it might be a bit difficult when we've all been captured.
Thorin: Bilbo hasn't.
Bofur: Yeah, but he's buggered off.
Thorin: BILBO, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!
Bilbo: *from a nearby bush* Hmm, if I don't go back there, I won't have to go all the way to Erebor. Then I just have to deal with Gandalf, and honestly, how hard can one elderly wizard be to beat the shit out of?
Bert: Now, how should we eat 'em?
William: Eat 'em? Nah, we should just kill 'em for trying to rob us.
Tom: Guys, my fleshlight just broke.
Bert: Don't worry Tom, you can take your pick from one of these.
Thorin: BILBO! Any minute now…
Gandalf: Never send a hobbit to do a wizard's job.
William: OI! Who are you?
Gandalf: The guy that's about to ruin your day *breaks away a piece of rock, showing the eastern horizon*
Tom: …how is this ruining our day?
Gandalf: Huh? *sees the sun's not up yet* Shit, timed that wrong. Give it a minute.
Bert: What is he…?
Gandalf: Shh, won't be a moment.
William: Why don't we…?
Gandalf: I said shut up *light starts coming across the ground* Ah, there we go.
Bert: Oh no, SUNLIGHT! *turns to stone*
Tom: Damn it Bill, why didn't you see this coming? *turns to stone*
William: Because I'm not the smart one *turns to stone*
Gandalf: Well, that was fun.
Thorin: And where the fuck have you been?
Gandalf: Oh, you know…around.
Thorin: We could have died if you'd been any later.
Gandalf: A wizard will always arrive exactly when he intends to.
Bilbo: Weren't you thirty seconds early with your attack?
Thorin: Oh, don't think you're off the hook either.
Balin: Hey Thorin, I know you're having an angry rant at those two, but we just found the troll's horde.
Thorin: Excellent. Bury it, and we'll come back for it once we kill Smaug.
Bilbo: *seeing a shortsword amongst the treasure* Hey, do you mind if I keep this?
Thorin: You can, but for future reference a burglar doesn't ask if he can take something.
Bilbo: I'm not a…
Gandalf: Come everyone, on to Rivendell.
Thorin: Why would we want to go to an elf town?
Gandalf: Because I'm the wizard, and I said so. Do you want to try and argue with that?
Bilbo: I would, but I don't think it would amount to anything.
Gandalf: Damn right, let's go.
Author's note: Hey guys, I mentioned this on Eclipse Abridged as well, but I figured I'd bring it up here as well. I recently noticed on my stats on FFN that I've passed the million-word mark across all my stories (not there yet on AO3, mostly because Dissidia was never posted here, also I don't think they count author's notes). Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's been reading all this time, and I'm thinking of doing something to commemorate this once I hit the million-word mark on AO3 (so, not for a couple of months or so, I'm only on about 980k over there). I'm thinking something like an Ask Me Anything. Does anyone know any good sites to do something like that? If you do, let me know and I'll try and organise something when I get there. Anyway, until next time guys…