A/N
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Hearing your thoughts means a lot to me. And thank you for patiently waiting for the next update.
Okay, there are more flashback scenes in this chapter. I hadn't intended to mess with the timeline of this fic (certainly not as much as with my other one), but I just found myself unable to tell this story properly without laying more groundwork. Since I started from the middle of the action, and the movie itself leaves our heroes' past a little open to interpretation, I felt I had to tell my version of events. Hopefully, it more or less coincides with what you always imagined Loki and Thor's childhood was like, or is at least plausible.
()()()
5. Imagined Slights
On the day Odin gave Thor permission to use the Bifrost independently and tour the other realms at his leisure, Frigga assured Loki that it was only because Thor was the older of the two, and that once Loki was older, he would be allowed to go with his brother on his adventures. Thor said that at the rate Loki was growing, that day could not be far off. Loki told them both that he had no desire to go on these trips. Secretly, the younger prince began to look into alternative means of traveling from one planet to another, though it would take him many years to solve that mystery.
In the meanwhile, Loki hoped against hope that Thor would soon grow tired of the novelty of his newfound freedom, and would stop going on these trips and stay home with Loki instead. He daydreamed of that moment more often than he'd care to admit, imagining it in his head with embarrassing amount of detail. Thor would walk up to him in the library or some other place where he spent most of his time, and would tell Loki that he would not be going away again, because traveling the worlds was meaningless if he couldn't have his little brother by his side.
Because, really, how much fun could Thor possibly have, no matter what adventurous and exotic places he found, if he had no one to share them with? So, Loki liked to think that Thor needed him as much as Loki needed his older brother.
Such clever lies he told, even as a boy. The truth of the matter was, of course, that Thor did not stay. Did not come to Loki as he used to. Did not need his little brother.
Loki thought of running away, just for the attention. He knew he wouldn't actually do it, but that daydream made him feel better as well. Once Loki was gone, Thor would realize what a horrible brother he had been and he would be very sorry for treating him so badly.
Sometimes Loki doubted Thor would even notice he was gone, or would miss him at all. Thor had other friends to share his journeys with. First there was the Lady Sif; a lady warrior of same age and similar interests. At some point Thor and Sif befriended the Warriors Three, a group of warriors a little older than they were, and they all started to treat Loki more and more like he was just a child. In no time at all, Sif was the unannounced fourth member of their little band, and Thor their fearless leader.
Sometimes, if Loki was feeling very angry, he imagined all of Thor's friends getting into huge trouble and begging him to safe them. If he was feeling generous, he would too. They would forever like him and appreciate him.
As childish and short as Thor's early quests were, and as little as Loki actually enjoyed running around getting into fights, at the time there was nothing he wanted more than to be a part of those adventures.
When Loki was finally allowed to join the older children on their travels, they turned out to be just as exciting as he had hoped and just as disappointing as he had feared, all at once. Thor and his friends truly were the great warriors people had painted them out to be, and although they rarely completed their original objective (usually, to find a hidden, ancient weapon or a magical artifact), the fearless band always found many new adventures and reasons to feel victorious. And although trouble tended to find them as often as reward, Thor and his friends could down almost any foe that dare oppose them.
To Loki, the fights felt meaningless, and not just because despite Loki's relatively considerable battle training, he was the weakest physical player on the team. Loki wasn't opposed to violence, not as a rule, but he simply found little pleasure in the act of fighting itself, nor did their enemies usually provide a challenge strategy-wise, since they rarely had any tactic at all.
Still, the trips were challenging at best and curious at worst. Looking back on it, they were some of the best times of his life. But the thing Loki had truly looked forward to was things going back the way they used to be, when it was him and his brother against the world, and they never did.
The problem wasn't that Thor and his friends weren't every bit the mighty heroes Loki had imagined them to be, but that there seemed to be no place for Loki in theirs midst. They worked together so seamlessly and trusted each other almost instinctually.
They did not trust Loki. They did not understand his fondness for magic, books and dialogue. Even Thor frowned upon Loki's repertoire of weapons, which was mostly limited to a fighting staff, throwing knives and occasional archery (though Loki disliked carrying a bow and arrows with him; they were a bit too obvious for his tastes).
In Asgard, subtlety was not seen as something to take pride in. And of course Loki would never be the kind of warrior the others were, no matter how hard he would practice or try. But Loki was never one to give up easily. He decided he would prove himself a valuable member of their little team, as many times as it took.
So, despite some unfortunate early clashes of powers, strategies and personalities, Loki got to know the others well enough to be able to work with them, and slowly he became a part of their team. Although Loki's talents were different from those of anyone else in Thor's lot, his stealth and slight of hand were no less useful for it. In fact, more often than not it were Loki's words or magic that got all of them out of a messy situation.
Loki learned to work with the others, and the warriors grew to tolerate him, but they still didn't understand him. Often Loki wondered if they even trusted him. They certainly looked down on his mystical powers and unpredictable nature. They feared Loki.
Even Thor, to whom Loki had been close throughout their early years, began to often wonder aloud just how strange Loki could be. Strange in a bad way. This was rarely voiced but always meant, and they all knew it.
As the years went by, Loki found himself more and more reluctant to join the others on their reckless adventures, and yet he still went with them almost every time. Partially, because he was still too afraid that he would miss out on something important, or that if he didn't go today, soon he would be unwelcome to come at all. However, Loki went along mostly because he had firsthand experience on just how dangerous some of these quest could be, and Loki wasn't sure what he would do if one of these days his foolhardy oaf of an brother didn't come back at all.
ooo
Loki lay under a cover on a bed in the healing rooms. He was supposed to be asleep. Loki found it very unlikely he would actually get more sleep tonight. He felt oddly drained, true, but there was too much going in his head for dream to find him.
"We will work it out together, as a family." "All will be the way it was."
These kinds of statements were universally viewed as comforting, Loki was quite sure, but to him, they were anything but. The idea of everyone forgiving each other and all problems getting swept under the carpet was tempting... very tempting, in fact. At the same time it did not seem just.
The more Loki thought about it, the more certain he was that such a 'solution' would not bring him peace. Loki would rather die than go back to being lonely and unwanted.
Their family may have looked perfectly happy and functional to an outsider, but never to Loki's eyes. He did want their family to get along (or, at least he thought he did), but make-beliefs and pretending would solve nothing. If pretense was all it took to make things better, their family's problems would have worked themselves out ages ago.
It was strange how just lying around and thinking about nothing in particular was taking such a toll on Loki. Usually he had a plan or four in motion, and felt no worse for it. Now all Loki was supposed to do was rest. Get better. He wasn't sure how.
Loki had been shamefully unprepared to face Odin, Thor, and Frigga. He had been unable to create a cohesive strategy and stick to it. Loki amused that, in order to have a good plan, one had to first know what one was trying to accomplish. He needed goals.
What do I want? To die? Not the worst possible option, but not the best one, either.
Loki didn't want to die, but if the very best he could hope for was things going back the way they used to be...
What else?
Loki wanted to be heard, and, most importantly, to be believed. Loki wanted people to understand, why he had done what he did. He was hurting, but he didn't want to break down and cry. Didn't perhaps deserve to, either.
Talking was an option, but people didn't usually listen to him or believe him. It was also difficult to put his discontentment in words without sounding petty and self-centered. Loki had, after all, had a very decent life by most standards. To complain over details could appear most unseemly, and Loki did not want to come across as one of those rich kids, who threw a tantrum, because their parents didn't give them enough toys. This really wasn't about hammers or thrones.
Loki's issues were not the result of any single concrete event or thing. It would have been easier, in a way, if either of his parents had often hit him needlessly, or locked him in the basement as a child. It was easier to justify that he was upset, because his parents had lied to him or because Odin had taken advantage of his skills, but the root of the problem was not one or the other. The concrete things Loki was complaining about were symptoms; proof of the existence of the problem, rather than the problem itself.
"Mother", Loki said quietly, abandoning all pretense of sleep. He estimated it had to be closer to early morning than late night, anyway.
"Yes, dear." Frigga took his hand. "I am right here."
To Loki's relief, she gave no indication of trying to encourage him to lie back down. Loki wasn't sure he could handle more rest just now.
Loki felt conflicted. He was aware of the pain he had put his mother through, and didn't wish to upset her further, but on the other hand, there was much Loki needed to say and ask. He decided to start with something simple, a straightforward question: "Does everyone know the truth, now? Does all of Asgard know what I am?"
Frigga met his gaze steadily. "No. We didn't... there was so much going on. We decided it was for the best not to complicate matters further. We did not want to put you in any danger while you were still recovering."
Loki found that, despite his little breakdown earlier, at the moment he had no difficulty keeping his face composed and calm. Good.
"But you told Thor."
"Yes", Frigga said. "I did. He is your brother, and he wants to help. I thought it for the best if he knew, but we haven't told anyone outside the family."
Loki nodded. Although even he was growing tired of juggling with secrets, it would have been dishonest of him to say he wasn't primarily relieved. Loki's actions of late would look even more irrational and crazy if no one knew the reasons behind them, but, even so, Loki was glad to hear the secret was safe. Being viewed as crazy was still better than being viewed as a monster.
Loki did not intend to go back to living in denial, of course, but he couldn't quite see himself as a Frost Giant, either. In the 'us vs them' division, Loki still felt like he belonged with 'us', while all things blue and creepy were a part of 'them'. Even if Loki was undeniably a monster, it didn't mean he had to be one of those monsters.
Loki did not know what he would do if others began to see him as a Jotun, and treat him accordingly. What were the Jotun even like, apart from being monsters? How did people expect a Jotun to behave? What were the defining attributes of a Frost Giant?
...Be cold, blue and mean?
"Why do I look the way I do? I mean, apart from when I am in physical contact with another Jotun or the Casket, I don't really look like one them, do I? How did the Allfather pull that off?"
It did not escape Frigga that Loki wasn't calling Odin 'father', but she let it slide for now. "You are a beautiful and magical being, and have been from a very early age. Your father tells me that after he found you, abandoned in one of their temples, you took on the shape of an Aesir almost immediately."
Loki frowned. "And I never changed back? The" Illusion, mask, pretense? What should I call this thing that I am? "Aesir form never faltered?"
Frigga hesitated, but only for a heartbeat: "...It did, a few times, shortly after your father brought you home. You would keep changing between forms as if they meant nothing to you. You were incredibly talented for someone your age. But during those first few weeks we did not let anyone else look after you, or even see you."
Loki nodded, although he was fairly sure Frigga had been the only one looking after him. Loki could not picture Odin tending to the needs of his own infant son, let alone those of a Frost Giant runt.
Even so, Loki was still a little dubious. "So, Odin did not use magic to make me look the way I do? I just..." Loki gestured to his body. "Did this, by myself, with no help from you."
How did I never notice? How did I never know?
Frigga's voice was calm, but there was also a new strain to it: "It would not have been safe for you to remain in your birth form, so your father and I did our best to help you settle in an Aesir one."
"Ah", Loki said and raised one eyebrow. "With magic, yes? And what kind of spell did Odin use?"
Frigga shook her head, looking emotional, but that could be due to the nostalgia rather than any wrong thing Loki might have said.
"We used no magic."
"Then how did you...?" Loki felt a bit slow today, but perhaps it didn't matter. This was his mother, after all.
"We encouraged you by giving you attention when you were in your Aesir form, and by pulling away if you changed into Jotun, and, well, you have always been a quick study."
Frigga looked down, as if ashamed. Loki took her hand to show her he wasn't angry. In Loki's opinion, the answer seemed highly fitting.
You ignore children when they are behaving badly, because you don't want to encourage bad behavior. What else would you call turning into a monster?
...Not that a well-concealed monster is any less a monster. Did I not plan all my worst schemes and play my dirtiest tricks while in an unfaltering guise? Was I not always the odd one out; feared for my power and hated for my dishonorable ways? Apparently, a mask cannot hide what is wrong within.
Loki let go of Frigga's hand rather quickly, after he was sure he'd gotten his intended message across. For some reason, he didn't really feel like sharing gestures of compassion with her.
Loki sighed. "You say that the reason you did not tell me or anyone else, what I really am, was that you did not want to put me in harm's way."
It wasn't really a question, but Loki lifted his eyebrows quizzically and waited for an answer anyway.
Frigga nodded. "We love you and we wanted to keep you safe."
Loki went on: "Because if anyone on Asgard found out about my biological parentage, they might turn on me on that instant, even if they had known me all their lives. Because that is the level of bloodthirst still commonly present on Asgard, when it comes to the Jotun."
Frigga did not seem pleased with the topic, but thankfully made no attempt to change it: "That is what we feared. I am guessing you see the situation differently, and think we were being overly suspicious of our fellow countrymen. You could be right, too. However, it was a different time. Especially during those first years after the war, feelings were still running high. We did not want to take any risks."
Loki shook his head and smiled lopsidedly. "You misunderstand me if you think I would have, in your situation, placed more trust in the good will of the citizens of this realm. I assure you, feelings may have cooled down over the years, but they have certainly not improved. I think your view of the situation was realistic and your fears justified. However, the part that baffles me now is why you forgot about these reasonable fears and precautions just a few days ago.
"I mean, since you were realistic enough to grasp that any citizen of Asgard might go as far as kill me, for no other reason than having been born a monster, why did you presume my own feelings on the subject would be any different?"
Frigga sat up straighter and tried to cut in, but Loki went on relentlessly: "Am I not a citizen of Asgard, then? Was I not raised here? Since the common understanding on Asgard is that the only good Jotun is a dead one, I am curious now: how did you expect me to react upon finding out what I really am? Did you think that I would, perhaps, begin to like the Jotun better for it, or that the knowledge would endear those monsters to me? That I would find within me some long lost feelings of solidarity and sympathy towards 'my people'?"
Loki knew he was simplifying things too much. His reasons for trying to end his life had been far more complicated than just the single revelation of belonging to a race of monsters. His family could not love him like they loved Thor, and being a Jotun was more an explanation than a cause.
Even so, Loki had to wonder about his parent's logic. Did they, on some level, believe that if Loki found out that he was a Jotun, he would hate the Frost Giants less? Frigga and Odin might have even feared Loki would give in to the evil within him and swap sides the moment he learned the truth.
Did they think I would betray them? Is that why I needed to be 'protected from the truth'?
At least Heimdall had appeared to automatically assume such a scenario was possible, and perhaps even likely, but Loki could not be sure of his parent's reasons.
Even Loki could admit that he had been quite off-balance and irrational right after finding out the horrible truth, but even so, no amount of shock or surprise could make him suddenly betray Asgard and side with Jotunheim.
To be on the safe side, Loki had even intended to prove, once and for all, that he had nothing in common with the race he had been born in. He had intended to start by killing their king and see where it went from there. If even more drastic measures were still called for to prove his loyalty. His worth.
Do you want to wipe them out, still? Or even then? Or was that just another part of a crazy idea that was never to be realized?
Loki wasn't sure. All he knew was that planning to attack the Jotun King and perhaps the rest of Jotunheim had not been the worst thing on the menu for him just a few days ago. Now that he was calmer, though, Loki saw very few reasons to pursue those goals. It wasn't like he could still save the situation, no matter what he did.
Most of his life, Loki had felt indifferent towards the Jotun, of this he was quite sure. He hadn't spent all that much time dissecting his feelings toward their race, but in comparison to say Thor, who probably saw the Jotun as just another group of monsters for him to slay, Loki really had had nothing personally against them. He certainly hadn't plan to systematically wipe them out before he knew he was one of them.
Still, as Loki's willingness to sacrifice those three Jotun rebels on the day of Thor's coronation had concretely showcased, Loki hadn't considered the life of a Jotun worth much even before he knew the truth about his own heritage.
But, really, why was everyone so surprised by the course of action he had chosen? Why should he feel anything but contempt toward the Jotun and therefore himself?
Thor and Loki, and probably most of Asgard, had been raised to believe that the Jotun were the enemy. Monsters with no redeeming qualities. When he and Thor had been boys, the Allfather had told them stories of the war like they were fairy tales, with obvious heroes and unredeemable villains, whose sole motivation was wrecking havoc. Odin had not once tried to convince his sons that the Jotun shared the same inherent right to live as the other races of the nine realms did. Hadn't tried to tell 'his boys' that they were not all evil.
Surely, he would have said something consoling, unless it was true. All Jotun are bad. Loki closed his eyes, feeling rather desperate again.
Frigga put her hand on Loki's cheek. Loki, still unaccustomed to suddenly being touched so frequently, started. He looked to his mother, and repeated his question: "What did you expect to happen?!"
Frigga had a way about her, when it came to arguments. Instead of trying to outyell her opponent, she waited calmly for her turn. Loki had noticed this in many negotiations with the other realms. He had initially seen it as a sign of submission, but had soon learned better, and had since grown to respect her for her quiet, reserved manner. Apparent calmness was Frigga's way of unnerving her opponents; letting them slip everything about their priorities and intentions, while she showed them nothing of hers. Loki had learned a lot about the advantages of staying calm and composed even under great duress from her mother.
Not all my skills in subtlety and deception come from my... the Allfather.
Loki could see Frigga waiting for him to calm down, and he did feel unnerved.
"Loki, of course we never intended for you to find out the way you did. I can only imagine how upsetting it must have been. But, even so, you should have known that even if you are not Aesir, we love you, and would never wish anything bad to happen to you. If others do not share our views, they are the ones who are mistaken, are they not? No matter how much slander you may have heard of the Jotun, surely you, my clever and beautiful son, know your own heart better than anyone else?"
Frigga placed her hand on Loki's heart, to emphasize the point. "Your heart is good, my son. How could you ever doubt that? How could you think for one second that what you did was something that needed to be done? Or was even an option?"
Loki looked at Frigga's hand, mostly to avoid meeting her gaze. "It is not slander", he muttered. "That is why you did not tell me the truth. Because there is evil in me, and it is the sort all Asgardian upbringing in the world could not erase, so the only thing you could do was protect me from the..."
"No", Frigga said, shaking her head. Loki could tell from the shaking in her hand, although he still hadn't looked up.
"It is true that you are, and always will be, in part a Jotun, but that does not mean you are bad. The Jotun are not evil."
Loki made a disbelieving grunt. Frigga lifted her hand to Loki's chin and forced him to look her in the eye. "Loki, you are not a monster. No Jotun is. Well, not just for being a Jotun. They are different form Aesir, yes, and we may not always understand or like their ways, but that does not make them monsters. What most people forget is that the Aesir and Jotun are more alike than they are different."
"How would you know? You were not in the war. Have you ever even met a Jotun?" Loki rolled his eyes and quickly added: "Apart from me, of course."
Frigga smiled her first, genuine, unrestrained smile during the whole conversation. "I raised you. After the war, writings on the Jotun were abundant, but unfortunately very few contained the sort of knowledge that was of any use to me, when trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, or why you sometimes acted the way you did. I learned some from others and improvised the rest, but, all in all, it was very educational."
Loki's face went blank: "I was... difficult? Even then?"
"All children are different, and all have their own quirks. What works on one does not always fit another. Your preferences were a bit more exotic than Thor's had been, but I only loved you more for them. They made you who you are; my beautiful, unique child."
Loki wasn't sure how to feel about this topic. In the little time he had known he was a Jotun, Loki could honestly say he hadn't even considered what that really meant for Frigga.
"I can admit now", Frigga went on, "that I was a little unprepared, when your father handed you to me, but since then I have attempted to learn more of the Jotun. Your father did not wish me to travel to Jotunheim, for the fear of what they might do if they discovered who I was. He also did not want anyone to make the connection between my new surprise child and my sudden interest towards Jotunheim. But I have used other avenues to gather as much knowledge as I could, in practice and in books. I would say that I know more about the Jotun than most Asgardians, including those who fought in the war."
Somehow, Loki was still having a hard time fitting this newest piece of information into his head. Quite possibly because tiny infants, no matter how difficult, could not exist in the same category with gigantic monsters.
"So... what are the Jotun like, then? In your opinion?" Loki looked up. He couldn't erase his preexisting expectation of monstrosity, but he was willing to accept the possibility that she could tell her things about the Jotun that he had never heard before.
Frigga thought for a moment. "Well, like I told you, I have not been to Jotunheim myself, and most of whom I have spoken to about it had only passed through, so my knowledge on Jotun culture is elementary at best."
Jotun culture? The Jotun have a culture? Then why do they live on ice like animals?
"But you were raised in Aesir culture, and learned our ways wonderfully, which speaks well for their adaptability. Whatever social differences there are between the Jotun and the Aesir, they are not so great they could not be overcome. Also, just like with the Aesir, the Jotun are not all alike, but there are great individual differences. There is no one, right way of being a Jotun, and being a Jotun does not force you to a specific behavior or role."
But, Loki thought, surely there must be some fundamental differences. I am more different than anyone on Asgard. How could that be a coincidence?
There were many things Loki still wanted to ask, and many answers he found lacking, but he wasn't sure how to phrase his doubts. Loki wasn't accustomed to opening up to his mother about his daily worries, let alone his deepest fears.
As a child, Loki would go to her often, cry to her hem, and have her comfort him, but not later in life. When Loki had grown older, his need to please his parents had also grown. He had decided not to trouble Frigga or anyone else with his worries, if he could at all help it. Surely a proper prince of Asgard would not run to his mother over every little thing. A proper prince would find a way to solve his problems on his own.
Even when Loki had began to suspect he was a Frost Giant, his initial reaction had not been to go to either of his parents to look for answers. He had gone to the Weapons Vault, instead.
Looking back on it, Loki had probably done himself no favors by distancing himself from his mother. Loki just wanted to appear his best in Frigga's presence. To make her proud. It hadn't made sense to have honest conversations, which might lead her to feel ashamed of him, or worry for him. Loki had maintained a warm but casual relationship to his mother, and she hadn't appeared to mind in the least, so Loki knew he was doing the right thing.
Loki took in a deep breath. "But there must be some differences, yes? Something that explains why I am so... I am not happy. I have not been in a while."
Loki looked down. There it was, out for all to hear. After many years of discussing only pleasant topics, he really had no idea how his mother would react to finding out about what her younger son's life was really like.
Would she be angry? Would she be disappointed in him? Would she blame herself?
Frigga took in a deep breath. "Loki, I know the situation looks severe now, and you feel like there is no way things could get better, but I am sure that if you just think about it, you realize that nothing important has changed. You still have your life and your family and people who care about you."
...Or she won't believe me.
Loki was a little disappointed but not all that surprised. Frigga may love him, but she was also the queen of a realm. She was a busy, reserved woman, with two troublesome boys and many other duties to attend to. If Thor was upset, all of Asgard would know that instance, but Loki had never been one to reach out.
Loki looked his mother in the eye. "Who?" He tried to sound innocent and distantly curious, but the word sounded bitter even to his own ears.
Frigga looked at him with a surprising force. "You have me, and your father, and your brother and your friends."
"I do not have friends", Loki countered as nonchalantly as he could.
"The Warriors Three and Sif and..."
"Sif hates me", Loki stated matter-of-factly.
Frigga frowned, as if considering it, but went on: "Tempers have run high during the past few days and I believe we have all made rash decisions. Said and done things we did not mean. But if you truly do not get along with your friends, why have you stayed with them?"
Why indeed?
Loki wasn't sure. All he knew for a fact was that before Thor had befriended those loud fools he called his friends, Loki and his brother had been inseparable. As children they did everything together, but as Thor grew up, he had begun to prefer the company of his brave and honorable friends instead of his sly and weak little brother. They would let Loki come with them, but he was never quite one of them. Just Thor's brother. Thor's shadow. The odd one out.
Thor would only hang out with his little brother if there was absolutely no one else available, and although Loki would first go to him, and cry and demand that Thor listen to him and devote more time to him, it hadn't taken Loki long to take the hint and start dismissing Thor right back on those few occasions it was just the two of them. Loki's pride would not let him take charity.
Loki knew his dark thoughts could be read on his face, since Frigga's eyes grew sadder and sadder by the minute. She looked like she was about to say something, but this was not a topic Loki wished to dwell on.
Loki quickly beat her to it, not even trying to cushion the sudden change of topic: "Did you know of all the things Odin asked me to do for him?"
Loki could see from the confused expression on Frigga's face that she didn't. At least not about all of them.
"Loki, dearest, what do you mean?"
"I was just wondering", Loki began, "if you knew of all the times I was summoned before the Allfather because he needed me to help him solve his problems in a way that left his reputation flawless. I did not see it like that at the time, of course; I thought it was how all fathers and sons acted around each other. But it is not supposed to be that way, is it?"
Frigga looked at him, concern shadowing her features. "Loki, I understand you are angry at your father and me, but please try not draw all the worst conclusions. Your father loves you. I know he can be hard on you, and that he doesn't always show his emotions very clearly, but you and your brother mean the world to him. You shouldn't only focus on the negative. There have been good times, too, haven't there? You have been happy here."
Loki swallowed. She was right. There had been good times. Mostly when Thor and he had still been young, and spent all their days playing around, side by side.
Yet, even those happy, early memories weren't quite perfectly happy. Even then, Loki could remember noticing and wondering, why Odin would give more time to Thor than to him. Why Odin would encourage Thor to show initiative but only scold Loki, no matter what he did? Why Frigga and Odin would sometimes exchange these looks about him, and Loki would have no idea, what he was doing wrong.
"I do not think Odin loves me", Loki stated evenly. "I am not sure what originally motivated him to take me in or keep me around, but I do not think it was done out of love."
Love is not given; it is earned.
Frigga's brows creased further. "Loki, please do not speak in this way."
"I do not think he would have done that to Thor", Loki continued as if Frigga hadn't said anything. "I do not think Odin would have risked his true son's reputation by having him do the dirty laundry of the realm. But I am not sure if that is because the Allfather loves Thor, or because he thinks such behavior would reflect badly on him, as Thor is his true son."
"Loki", Frigga warned, appearing distressed. Loki reminded himself that he was supposed to be nice to her, but couldn't muster the energy to care. That was probably what being a monster was like. Knowing you were only hurting the people you loved, but doing it anyway.
"Do you believe me, mother?" Loki asked. "Do you believe me, when I tell you that I am not just imagining this? That I have been wronged by people I thought I could trust without reservation. People, who I thought would have my best interest at heart, but who, it turns out, had other priorities."
Loki could have gone on and on; give examples and details to prove his case. However, if she didn't want to hear, there was little Loki could do to make her.
Frigga looked thoughtful. Could she be considering it? Loki realized he didn't know his mother well enough to be sure, what her answer would be. So he waited.
"Loki, I believe you. I believe that you feel this way, that we, your parents, have wronged you, and you are right. We weren't there for you when you needed us the most. We should have done more to make sure you knew how much we loved you. Perhaps, we should have told you the truth earlier. I know mistakes have been made on all sides, and there are many things that we still need to work on, and many things we need to forgive each other for."
"But starting with admitting that the wrong-doings happened, yes?" Loki pressed, lifting an eyebrow.
"...Yes, you are right. That way, we can all learn from our mistakes and do better in the future. But after that, we should not dwell on past wrongdoings but move on", Frigga amended.
"Well, I have learned my lesson. I shan't let Odin take advantage of me again. Problem solved. Yet. I would still like to have him admit to his crimes."
Loki knew full well that raising interest in past shady dealings was likely to get him in more trouble than Odin; his own involvement had always been more direct and easier to pin-point. Then again, right now Loki didn't much care about a new flaw in his reputation.
Frigga shook her head, and raised her hand to Loki's cheek, but he pulled away.
Disappointment and sadness clear on her face, Frigga asked: "Would you still like to get some sleep?"
Loki shook his head.
"Would you like to go to your own room?"
Loki lifted his gaze. "Yes, please."