I came across Merry and Pippin eating sandwiches and smoking weed by the ruins of Isengard. Not having the heart to interrupt them, I spied on them from behind a fallen Ent. The fallen Ent just happened to be Tree Beard. Merry had set him alight so he and Pippin could have a nice, toasty fire with which to roast marshmallows.
Tree Beard was making odd noises, and smoke was rising from his lower branches. I felt obligated to put out the fire, but alas, there was no water! However, I cleverly made do by peeing on the tree. When I discovered that my piss alone wasn't working fast enough, I called to Merry and Pippin to join me. The two little hobbits had other methods in mind. They whipped their swords out and ejaculated on the fire. Well, Merry did. Pippin misfired.
"Here, Pip, let me help you with that," Merry said.
"No, Merry, it's too late. I don't think I've got another one in me."
I wiped Pip's seed from my face and said, "Bitch, make me a sammich!"
"To whom are you speaking?" Gandalf asked, popping out from between Merry's legs.
"Merry! You cheated!" Pippin exclaimed indignantly.
"No I didn't. I didn't even know Gandalf was still in there."
"Merry, you know that when White Wizards reenter this world, they eject from the buttocks of a hobbit. Obviously, that takes time," Gandalf explained. "Anyway, does anyone have a towel?"
"I have a hanky," Pippin offered.
"Pippin, do you think I can masturbate with a mere hanky?"
"Well, I don't see why not. It works for me."
"I am no Hobbit," Gandalf roared, and he shed his robe while emitting a bright white light. Tree Beard's remaining body had its fire put out immediately.
"Wizard jizz glows?" I said in awe.
"Not usually. It must be part of being immortal. Now pass me your pipe." Gandalf took the pipe from Merry and shoved it up the Hobbit's dainty yet stretched arsehole. "Don't want Dumbledore coming out in the wrong realm, now do we?"