a/n: I do not own the Clique.

Two weeks have flown by since I told my father, I didn't want him in my life. He didn't make an effort to even have custody over me instead he granted my wish and walked out of my life. I thought I would be happy to have him out of my life, but I secretly miss him. Even though my family life isn't great...my school life is even worse.

"Watch out for her...she tends to have boyfriend's who are psychopaths." Layne my former best friend said to the new girl Valerie.

I thought the bullying would stop once I had become friends with Alicia and her friends, but I was dead wrong. Some people cannot get over what happened because of Landon, and I don't blame them but I wish they would stop blaming me.

"Don't listen to her," Claire said as she walked up behind me. "She is jealous you have come back to the person you were before he came along."

"I am far from being the girl who was fearless." I told Claire as we walked to our first hour together.

Claire had become one of my best friends over the past month, and I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't there. She has pushed me into trying out new things like joining the girls soccer team, and attending high school parties.

"This party tonight will prove you are fearless,"

"Do you really think I should go?"

"Yes, and don't worry I will right beside you the whole time."

The bell rang and we hurried into the classroom, but I zoned out the whole entire day of school. I really don't know if I am truly ready to attend a party since I haven't been to one in three years. I didn't really even pay attention at all, until lunch came because Alicia was raving about how awesome this party was going to be.

"Cole Newell is having the party at like sevenish and he always supplies the best liquor." Alicia raved about Cole.

It wasn't a secret she had a thing for the senior football star, and it wasn't a secret Cole was a player. Alicia however is convinced she would be the girl who could change Cole, and his player ways.

"I don't know if I am going." I said.

"Of course you are going, because it is time this school realizes you are back." Alicia argued.

Before I could even try to dispute her claim that the old me was back, the bell had rung and I walked off to my last hour of the day. I don't think any of the girls understand how the girl I used to be before he came and ruined me, isn't ever coming back.

"Today we are going to talk about pain of losing someone," Mr. Schwartz said as class started.

Mr. Schwartz is my psychology teacher and today he has decided to form his lesson plan on losing someone. If he could have only picked a better day for this like a day when I was sick at home. I don't know if I really wanted to participate in this discussion, because I know what my classmates think of me...they think I am a murder.

"I would like to state, how pained I was to lose so many innocent people to Landon Crazy-Pants-Crane." Layne said.

I knew she was going to start an never ending discussion on how many people were effected by the shooting and how I was also to blame for their deaths.

"I lost my sister to a psycho, but we can't blame someone else for what happened," Derrick said. "Because that person was innocent and she also lost someone that day as well as the rest of us."

I couldn't even thank Derrick anymore, because he has been constantly defending me ever since the day he forced me to visit Sammy. It was like he was searching for a piece of the old me too, and that night he must of saw a piece of it.

"I know a lot of you think I knew what he was planning," I paused as I stood up and turned around to face my demons. "But I didn't, and you all seem to have forgotten about how he shot me too. You think I don't hear their screams in my sleep? No, I remember that day every single minute of my day, and I won't be able to forget it like the rest of you, because that was my boyfriend who shot and killed all of those people. I am so sorry, for what he has done, but I was a victim too."

After I finished my little speech, Mr. Schwartz told us to talk about people who we lost prior to the tragedy. I couldn't believe I stood up in front of my critics and told them I wasn't the person responsible, and for once I felt like I couldn't be touched.

After school was out, I worked up the courage to attend Cole's party because I was still on my high from facing my bullies in 4th period. I had my mom help curl my hair into beachy waves, and help pick out my purple Ella Moss dress paired with my black Michael Kors pumps.

"I see you made it to the party," Alicia said when I arrived.

"I decided I should live a little." I said as she handed me a red solo cup.

I walked around the house hoping to find Claire, but she seemed to have ditched me for some drunk guy. Alicia was too busy shoving her tongue down Cole's throat, and Kristen was at home studying while Dylan was playing beer pong with the soccer boys.

I was left utterly alone by my one friends, and I was quickly starting to think this was all a mistake. I shouldn't have come. I am not ready for this, and I don't have anyone supporting me.

"Hey killer, look what I've found," I drunk guy slurred at me as he pointed a gun at me.

I dropped my drink as the memories of the shooting all came back to me all at the once, and I felt the hot tears fall down from my face. I bolted out of the room, and pulled out my cell phone.

"It's only a squirt gun baby," I heard the guy shout after me, but I didn't care it felt all too real.

I dialed the old familiar number, and quickly wished I hadn't.

"Can you pick me up? I am at Cole Newell's house and I am slightly drunk." I said before he could even say hello.

"I''ll be there in five minutes." he said.

I waited for his old familiar black Range Rover to come up, and when it did I ran to it fast. I wanted to get the hell away from this party as fast as I could.

"What happened?" He asked after five minutes of silence besides my crying.

"Someone drunk guy pulled a squirt gun on me, and I freaked," I told him the truth.

"Massie, why didn't you call your mother about this?"

"Because dad, I don't want her to know that some people can't forgive me for something I didn't do and I figured since you are just like that drunk guy, you wouldn't care."

He slammed on the brakes and pulled the car over so he could lecture me. I don't understand why he cares about what the stupid kid did, because he admitted I am the reason a tragedy occurred. He told me how he couldn't forgive me about what had happened over a stupid black book with a list of people I hated.

"I would never do what that drunk kid did to you, don't you know how much I love you?"

"Actually dad, I don't because you didn't even try to fight to see me instead you let me go because you can't seem to accept I didn't kill those people."

My dad didn't have a response instead he pulled the car back onto the road, and continued to drive me home in silence. I stared at him as he drove home, and I saw the tears fall from his face. I don't know why he can't communicate on what he feels about me, because I am dying to know how he can blame his own daughter for being angry at him for all the things he has done.

"You are safe now," He said as he stopped in the driveway and put the car in park, "I won't tell you're mother about this if you don't want me to."

"What I want you to do is forgive me, and for you to fight for a relationship with your only daughter." I said.

"The reason why I chose to not have custody over you is, because I don't think you could ever forgive me for all those things I have done," He paused as he turned to face me, "You are my everything, and I failed at being your father. How could you ever forgive me if I don't forgive myself?"

"Dad, I would have forgiven you if you had forgiven me but you lost your chance to fix anything between us," I told him the truth, "Thanks for the ride."

"Before you go, you should know I am no longer seeing Valerie," He told me, "I lost my family and myself because of this affair, and she wasn't worth it."

"You should have thought about the consequences before you had the affair." I said before I closed the car door behind me.

I don't know if I can forgive my father for all the wrong things he has done, but I also don't know if he could ever forgive me either. I wrote his name on that list, and at the time I did care if he lived or died, but now I don't know if I could care if he died. All I know is my mother is my strength, and the girl I used to be is nothing but of a memory.

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