Title: The DiNozzo Diaries 3: Doubt
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance; humor; angst
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: From final two eps. of Season 6
Summary: Sequel to "The DiNozzo Diaries 1 & 2." Special Agent Tony DiNozzo's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter. TIVA. Warning: Intense sexual content in some chapters. No slash.

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries 3: Doubt ---------------------

Ahhhh... Denying yourself the pain of self-denial? It's great. And Ziva and me? WE'RE great. It's nice, working together again instead of being split apart.

Ziva's doing me the favor of reading Ari's notebooks about his all-consuming "passion" for Jeanne. Obviously, I'm gonna owe her big time for this. She was already tortured once by Dr. Doom and here I am, forcing her to suffer again. I'm a terrible boyfriend.

Me, I'm sticking with Kate. She's not gonna lead me in the wrong direction. I may be sickened, reading about those hot, sweaty nights she spent with Ari, but Kate won't lie.

Unless... she is.

I'll risk it. Making Jeanne pay for her sins -- and for Ziva having to read about what she's like in the sack -- is worth me possibly finding out that Kate could be the world's best at double-talk. After all, none of us had a clue that she didn't really HATE Ari -- and that she was working with Jenny to take out La Grenouille.

And Jeanne.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, Kate. Let's hear it. I got ALL night. 'Cause there's NO WAY Ziva's gonna be in the mood after she reads about Ari and Jeanne doing... what Jeanne likes to do. With guys. I know I'd like to forget it -- all of it.

So... let's poke around in your love life.

"Talked to Jenny last night. I told her everything's going as we've planned, that you made contact with Jeanne Benoit. She's pleased."

Oh, I'm sure she was. What Jenny wanted, she got.

"She says to remind you that it's fine if you take ANY necessary means to get the intel we need from her. Jenny was careful to stress that part about 'ANY means." She says you'll know what she's talking about."

Yeah. He knew. I know, too. Been there, done that, still can't shower enough to feel clean after doing it. And it's been almost two years now. When will it end? Never. That's when.

"Look, I understand what your role in this op is, Ari. And I accept it. But I'm not going to pretend I don't give a damn that you've got carte blanche to sleep with another woman."

Ha HAH! Go KATE!

"Remember when we were talking about my team? About Tony, how he claims he's so perfect for undercover work? He'd LOVE to have that Jeanne Benoit assignment..."

HEY! What the HELL?!!! And I HAD that assignment, Kate! In fact, I was mop-up man after Mr. Leather Jacket Cycle Boy blew it all and got himself killed!

... and you killed, too.

Dammit, Kate, I'm sorry for that.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I wasn't the kind of guy -- the kind of friend -- you could've confided in about this. If I had been, maybe you'd still be alive. Maybe Jenny'd still be alive. Hell, maybe Ari could've told us all the truth about who he really was -- or who you claim he was. Who Ziva swears he used to be.

Maybe Ziva wouldn't have had to kill her own brother. And Eli wouldn't have had to make that happen.

Maybe René Benoit would've met his maker without taking so many good people down with him.

And Jeanne?

Maybe she'd be six feet under, too.

And I'd have never laid eyes on her. Or anything else, for that matter.

"...especially since he could take that girl to bed with the blessings of the higher-ups."

Ohhh Kate... You don't know. You don't know how much I HATE myself for wasting that part of my life -- for being part of that. For being with Jeanne. It was wrong, all of it. Makes me sick now, thinking of it. I'd give anything to have that time back, to make it all go away, to spend that time with Ziva instead. I should've been with Ziva all along; she's the woman I love, the one I've been looking for. I realize that now. I'm not the same guy you knew, Kate. Ziva's helped me change. I'm a better man. Not perfect -- not at all, but I'm working on being a better guy, day by day. I'm trying.

Everything could've been different, Kate, for all of us.

Why didn't I ever listen to you?

"But, Ari, you're NOT a pig like he is -- even if you have to act like one as part of your cover."

Well, I'm a little late but I'm here now. I'm here for you -- whatever you have to say to me. I can take it. I'm just taking it in, not going to have a wise-ass answer or a joke for everything you say.

I'm listening.

Help me make this all right -- like you wanted things to be. You know, where the bad guys (or girls) don't just get away with the crimes. I want to make that happen this time.

You always were the rational one, Kate.

I miss you. I really do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where were we?

"Just don't get TOO good at it, OK? Being a jerk? I don't want to have to kick your ass next time I see you. And speaking of that, when will I see you again? It's been too long, Ari. I miss you. All I've been thinking about is the last time we were together ... how amazing it was."

OK, well, I said I was gonna be able to take it. No matter what.

"I have to admit that I don't like sharing you with Jeanne Benoit. Even if it is only 'work' for you. It's killing me, thinking of you touching her when I want you here with me. It's really taking everything I have in me not to ask Jenny why we can't just haul her in and have your sister -- did you say she's the one who's trained in interrogation techniques? -- get the intel we need from this girl. If what you told me is true, and I'm sure it is, it sounds like your sister would have Jeanne giving up her father and probably anything -- or anyone -- else we demanded."

Heh. Oh yeah, Kate, he wasn't lying. You'd have liked Ziva. And she'd have liked you, too. I got a feeling that Gibbs might have teamed you two up which... would mean I'd have to be on ... Probie's six. All the time.

"Listen, next time your sister's in D.C., have her give me a call. I'd like to introduce her to Tony. Seeing her kick his womanizing ass would make my day."

Making it harder and harder to miss you with each paragraph, Kate. Thanks for that.

"I'm kidding about that. Sort of. But it's like you said about Tony and guys like him (or you; hey, YOU said it!) -- they pretend not to want strong women in their lives but, really, when one comes along who challenges them they fall head over heels and it's all over. End of story. WHIPPED."

Can't argue with this. Who knew Ari was so insightful? Yeah. I said that. Wait... I said that? I SAID that!

"OK, OK... I'm getting sappy so I'm ending this now. I just hope you know that I love you, Ari. And when this is over, this La Grenouille op, I can't wait to see how Gibbs and the rest of the team react when they find out you were helping us take down an enemy -- that you AREN'T the enemy."

I'm sorry you didn't get that chance, Kate. But I'm not sure if the Boss would've bought it.

"I know Jenny looks forward to seeing Gibbs again, even if she says she hopes she never lays eyes on him again. Can't you tell she's totally lying when she says that? It's like us, whenever we have to put on the whole 'hating each other' facade for the NCIS team. I can't stand doing that. I can't stand pretending that I don't care about you."

I know how that feels. Ziva does, too.

"One last thing, Ari: Please don't let Jeanne get into your head. Jenny says she's much more dangerous than she appears. I'm worried about you, about her coming between us. You keep saying it won't happen. I believe you. But from what I'm learning about her -- and about her father -- she scares me. She really does."

You were right to be afraid. Because Jeanne's crazy, Kate. She had it in for you. And Ari. And you paid the price. So did Jenny.

She'd like to finish off Ziva and me now. But this time, she's the one who's going down.

I was scared of her, too.

Not anymore.