Title: The DiNozzo Diaries 3: What's Up, Doc?
Author: rekkidbraka
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony D. and Ziva D.
Category: Romance; humor; angst
Disclaimer: No infringement intended.
Spoilers: From final two eps. of Season 6
Summary: Sequel to "The DiNozzo Diaries 1 & 2." Special Agent Tony DiNozzo's most private thoughts and desires revealed, chapter by chapter. TIVA. Warning: Intense sexual content in some chapters. No slash.

-------------------- The DiNozzo Diaries 3: What's Up, Doc? ---------------------

First day back in the office. Everything looks the same. Gibbs' wastebasket full of empty coffee cups. Ziva's desk is bare bones. Probie's desk? McDorkyland. And my desk... Ahhhh... my desk...

What the HELL?!!!

Where'd all this MOTORCYCLE junk come from?!!! Who's been sitting at MY desk?!!!

Ooooh... a thong! No price tag, but it's never been used. Totally brand new. Right outta the box. I can tell these things. Years of training. Black. String on the sides. High-cut. Confident, bold, hot in the sack -- whoever she is. Wait... did I BUY these? For Ziva? For some chick I used to date way way waaaaaay back in the day? Think, Anthony, THINK!

"Listen, JERK! Stick to getting into your OWN girlfriend's panties... JACKASS!"

OK, whoever this chick is bitching at me right here, right now, I know one thing: I sure as HELL never bought 'em for HER.

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I don't know who this girl thinks she is, but taking over MY desk during MY med leave and plastering HER motorcycle crap everywhere? NOT the way to get on my good side. And, let's face it, I don't even HAVE a bad side.

Speaking of the "Before" photo, here comes... PROBIE! McLate as usual.

And ha-HAH! WHAT is this look he's got going? Black leather jacket... motorcycle helmet...

"Weh-heh-hell... Look who's rolled on into Arnold's to hang with the gang -- McFONZIE! AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Tony. You're back. How are you feeling?"

"I am feeling SUPERBAMUNDO, PROBA-RELLI! How's life up at Inspiration Point? Ha ha HAH!"

"Obviously, you're doing just fine. Really... glad to see you're sounding like... your old self again."

"Is that so, McBrando? Well, thank God one of us is his old self. Because your new self looks like 1955 exploded all over the place and left its sad remains in your closet. Oh! OH! Better watch that tone, Tony! Don't want The McFonz to pull me back in your 'office' and tell me to SIT ON IT!"

"Y'know, I'm wondering... Just how 'old' IS your 'old self,' DiNozzo? 'Cause I'm noticing plenty of laugh lines on that mug of yours and -- gotta tell ya -- from where I sit, they ain't pretty. Or funny."

"Listen, Hell's Angel, why don't you mind your own damn business and, oh by the way... JUST WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!!! "

"Agent Kensi Blye. NCIS Special Ops. Los Angeles."

"I was asking HER, McEavesdropper! What's the matter, Blye? Nothing to say? You were Chatty Cathy just a minute ago."

"I don't volunteer information to jerkoffs. I find that when I make that mistake, they usually end up dead or, if they're lucky, in traction. Nice fuzzy handcuffs, by the way. Real manly. I'm shocked anyone's let you OUT of them."

"Yeah, she's a peach, Probie. Thinking of takin' her home to mother? Hide the expensive jewelry. And the good scotch."

"Screw YOU, jackass!"

"Oh... And one more thing, Pinky Tuscadero -- get your clutch-popper clodhoppers OFF that DESK! ZIVA wouldn't like it. And neither would KATE."

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Vance and I are gonna have a little CHAT right now -- about this Kensi chick. She's gotta go. Callan I can handle. (Now, anyway.) But she's DANGEROUS. She's actually got Probie thinking he HAS a pair.

Yeah, yeah... I know nobody just walks in on Vance. Except the Boss. And I'm not him. But he's gotta know that our personnel situation is waaaaaaaaaay outta order. So here goes.

[knocks]

"Director Vance? Listen, I know you're busy but..."

"DiNOZZO! WHAT THE HELL? GET OUT! NOW!"

My GOD...

"Tony?"

Jeanne.