JERRY: (Opening monologue) Computers are like spoilt petulant children aren't they? If everything isn't exactly the way they want it they'll act up. And the pathetic thing is that we try so hard to please them, again like a child. "Here I got you a Coke" "I don't want Coke! I want Pepsi!" "But you said you wanted Coke!" "I changed my mind!". It's every computer owners secret fantasy to just... take a drill to the hardrive or something

ACT I

*Jerry enters apartment and throws keys on to counter. Kramer is at his computer*

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry... How was the set?

JERRY: Please, I don't want to talk about it.

KRAMER: Do you really mean that?

JERRY: No of course not.

KRAMER: So what happened

JERRY: Well this guy calls me, literally 2 hours before he wants me to perform and then when I arrive, not only do I find out he pushed me back another hour but he wants to pay me less than what he offered.

KRAMER: That's terrible. You shouldn't put up with that!

JERRY: Tell me about it! So then we got into big fight and I stormed out.

KRAMER: Well good for you. You can't let people push you around like that, I admire you. A lesser man would have taken the cheque.

JERRY: Not only that, but I am boycotting that place! For as long as I live I will never ever perform there!

KRAMER: What if they gave you a huge cheque?

JERRY: They could give me my own island in the Bahamas and I still wouldn't crumble.

KRAMER: I respect that.

JERRY: Well thank you... Say are you going to get off that soon?

KRAMER: Yeah, give me about half an hour

JERRY: What are you doing on my computer anyway? What's wrong with yours?

KRAMER: No I don't want to disturb it!

JERRY: Disturb it? Are we talking about a computer or a baby?

KRAMER: It's installing Crystalverse 2

JERRY: Isn't that that online game everyone's talking about

KRAMER: Yeah, Newman hooked me up with an account. You should try it

JERRY: No way! You couldn't get me within 2 feet of that game.

KRAMER: But it's not just a game Jerry, it's a world! A living breathing economy! Perhaps only viewable through the glow of a computer monitor but a world nonetheless.

JERRY: Well then one day I have to introduce you to "the real world". It's a wonderful world, one that doesn't demand 20 bucks a month to live in.

KRAMER: Oh please...

JERRY: Yeah, you're right. You've never lived in the real world.

KRAMER: What's that supposed to mean?

JERRY: Nobody in the real world can hold down a steady unemployment for 10 years and still have the money to spend on expensive fruit and fine cigars.

KRAMER: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?

JERRY: What's there to be jealous about? Sleeping in until half past 2 sounds like a real drag.

*Newman enters*

NEWMAN: Hey Kramer, the game has to be installed by now! Just go and check!

KRAMER: Give me a second Newman

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry

JERRY: Hello Newman

KRAMER: And there we go! Alright let's go check!

NEWMAN: Hey Jerry! Have you ever played Crystalver-

JERRY: No... I don't play it, I don't want to play it. If I had time to kill I'd spend it on this life.

NEWMAN: That's exactly the attitude you naysayers have been using to persecute us! You attack what you do not understand like the blind fools you are! Spending your time thinking of new ways to drive us back into hiding, wearing disguises to the counter to order subscription updates! Oh but that gives you pleasure eh Seinfeld? Seeing the likes of us cower under the weight of your-

JERRY: Can we move this along?

NEWMAN: Yes... But only for the benefit a fellow Crystalversian

*Newman and Kramer exit. Long pause*

JERRY: "Crystalversian"?