Book Two : Part Two

Snow

"Motherhood is the strangest thing; it can be like being one's own Trojan horse." -Anonymous

Chapter 7: Revealed

Sam rose to his feet slowly. He was haggard and worn, and the poorly-fitting clothes he wore were covered in stains and bad smells, as if he'd found them in a dumpster, which, come to think of it, he probably had.

But I didn't really see any of this. How could I, when he was looking at me the way he was? His face was filled with such pain and longing, it nearly broke my heart.

I took a hesitant step towards him almost as if I were being pulled. In truth I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him and make him swear he would never leave me again. He didn't move away from me, he didn't flinch, so I took silence as consent and stepped closer again. And again. And Again.

Eventually, we were mere inches apart, both of us locked into each other's gaze. The tension was rising, and I so badly wanted to touch him just to make sure he was real, and yet at the same time I was so afraid of shattering this, whatever it was we had.

Suddenly he averted his eyes, took two steps back, fell into the couch and said, "She's really gone, isn't she?"

"Yes."

What else could I say? I tried to ignore the fact that my heart was breaking into a million little pieces. Of course he had come back for Emily, and not me. I was being foolish again.

His shoulders sagged at my pronouncement, and he buried his face in his hands as his body began to convulse. It took me a moment to realize what was going on.

He was weeping.

He was mourning the loss of his wife, the love of his life, the person more dear to him than life itself. All these months gone, and he had yet to do this. He truly didn't believe it until now.

My heart ached for him.

And I found that I was weeping too. It hurt me to see him like this. To see him in so much pain. I'd felt bad about taking Emily's body before, but now I finally felt like the monster I was.

Before I had a chance to even think about what I was doing, I was by his side, dropping down onto the couch, and sliding my arms around him. He resisted for only a moment, and then buried his head into my shoulder and sobbed.

We wept together; we wept for the loss of Emily, for the cruelty of fate that had put me in her place, and mostly for the fact that we knew there was nothing we could do to change it.

* * * * *

I don't know how long we sat there like that, hours at least, but eventually Sam cried himself out and fell asleep, with his head on my chest and hand on my swollen belly.

As tired as I was before, there was no way I would be able to sleep now. Here I was snuggled up next to Sam. Sam! I was so conflicted emotionally; I didn't know whether to be filled with joy or guilt over this situation. Sam was wrapped around me!

Emily's Sam was wrapped around me, snoring contentedly.

I stared at him and marveled once again at just how much I loved this man. I knew he would wake up soon, and I didn't know what would happen then, but it certainly wouldn't be this, so I continued to stare at him, determined not to miss one minute of my fleeting time with him.

Almost without thinking, my hand began to gently ruffle his hair and make lazy circles through it. His hair was so silky soft. I loved the feel of it through my fingers, and I snuggled in closer to him. This was heaven.

Suddenly every single nerve ending on my body was alive. I could feel Sam's stubbly chin rub against my neck.

Sam was nuzzling me!

My heart began to race and I froze. What was going on? Why the sudden change of attitude? Then all thoughts except those about Sam's lips flew out the window as he started to nibble on my ear. I was scared, but I didn't care. Sam! His fingers wound their way through my hair and his hot breath worked its way down my neck and then slowly over to my jaw, and then lingered at the corner of my mouth.

Thus far I had just sat there not believing that this was happening, frozen in shock. Then he kissed me full on the lips and it was like throwing gasoline on a dying fire.

Suddenly we were frantically clinging to each other, kissing each other, and trying to be as close as my pregnant belly would allow. His hand slid up my spine and I shivered. Not in fear or chill, but in a totally new feeling for me; anticipation.

My finger's raked through Sam's hair and I pressed my face against his collarbone breathing in deeply. He smelled glorious!

"Sam." I breathed incoherently.

"Emily," he panted while fumbling with the buttons on my shirt.

I froze instantly, dying inside.

Emily.

I struggled not to cry; it wouldn't be fair to Sam if I did. But as I watched him fully wake up, the realization dawned in his eyes, and I felt him jerk his hands away - hands which had been so lovingly caressing me moments before. It was too much. A single traitorous tear slid down my check, and I fled to the bedroom, firmly locking the door behind me. That's when the tears really began to fall.

I sank to the floor next to the door and quietly sobbed.

How could I have been so stupid? Of course it wasn't me Sam was kissing! It was his precious Emily, I thought bitterly. Not the woman who had forsaken her own kind for him. Not the woman who was pregnant with his child. Not the alien invader who had taken away the person he loved more than anything else on this Earth, and then had the audacity to walk around in her body, a constant reminder to him of what he'd lost. My sobs increased, wracking my entire body.

I am a monster!

"Snow?" Sam called quietly, yet still startling me. He was just on the other side of the door!

"Snow, I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it… to force myself on you like that. I just – I just miss her so much Snow. I didn't know it was you, I promise, or I never would have – I'm sorry," he finished quietly.

I leaned against the door, no longer crying out loud, but my body was still shaking with convulsions. He'd just managed to rip out what little of my heart was left and stomp on it.

He never would have if he'd known it was me.

He thought I was crying because I felt attacked by him.

What a mess. What an awful, terrible mess.

Wiping my tears away, I composed myself, took a few deep breaths, shakily stood, and opened the door.

Emily's Sam was waiting.

"I guess we need to talk."

Chapter 8: Agreed

"Can I get you a glass of lemonade?" I asked him over my shoulder while I pulled down two cups and filled them full of ice. I knew he'd want one. It was Sam's favorite drink.

"Uh, yes, thank you," he replied, sitting on one of the stools at the kitchen counter.

He didn't meet my eyes, which was fine because I wasn't meeting his. It was all so awkward.

How do you tell a man 'Hey, I'm sorry I inadvertently killed your wife, whom you loved more than anything in the world, and now I'm running around in her body with full access to all her memories, and your unborn child growing inside me. And by the way, I love you'?

I made small talk instead.

"So, how long have you been in town?" I asked, placing the glass in front of him before leaning up against the counter. I kept my eyes fixed out the window. It seemed to be the only safe place to keep them.

I heard him take a sip of his lemonade and then clearing his throat, he answered. "Since this morning. I came straight here. I'm not sure what I hoped to find though."

Well, that pretty much ended that topic of conversation.

He took another sip. "This is really good."

"Thanks, I made it yesterday. Fresh squeezed, just like you like it."

"Yeah, Emily used to…" and when he trailed off I knew I had made a mistake. But I didn't see how we could continue to avoid talking about the elephant in the room. No matter what we talked about it would come back to Emily and the fact that she was gone. And that it was my fault.

"Sam, I'm sorry." I looked at him, when I said it, and wished I hadn't. His face was a frozen mask, and he was staring at his glass of lemonade, as if it were the most important thing in the world.

I reached out to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder and he flinched away. It felt like a slap in my face, but I didn't blame him. How could I?

"Ok, I won't touch you. I know that hurts you too much right now, but Sam we have to talk about Emily. And about the baby," I said as kindly as I could. I didn't want to do this any more than he did, but we had to talk about it.

That seemed to get a reaction out of him, and he nodded his head.

"The baby," he responded slowly, pronouncing each word carefully. "My baby. My baby with Emily. I should never have left. I'm so sorry. I just – I just didn't know how to think or how to feel. I still don't," he said, whispering that last bit.

I felt so cruel, like such a villain. At least I could give him some small bit of hope, as unlikely as it was. I bent down low to look him in the eyes and waited until he met my gaze so he would know how serious I was.

"Sam, I love this child. I love little Emily more than I love my own life, more than I love y- more than I love anyone else," I amended. He didn't need professions of my love right now. He needed assurance and hope.

"And I will do anything for her. Anything. And what's best for her is to be with her mother. I've already arranged it with Carlisle. After Little Em is born, Carlisle's going to extract me from Emily's body, and hopefully Emily will come back."

Sam's eyes widened with wild hope, and he gripped his glass so tightly that I was afraid it would shatter. I hurried on before his hope could grow too much.

"But you need to know that it's doubtful she will come back. We've only had one successful return, and that was because Edward heard two distinct voices in one head. He told me that he'd never heard Emily in my mind. And I've never heard her either," I said as gently as I could.

Sam's shoulders sagged again, and he looked like the wind had been sucked out of his sails.

"There is still a chance though. A small one, so don't lose hope. She could still come back."

I reached across the counter and slid my hand over his. This time he didn't jerk away, and instead gripped it tightly with his own.

After a few moments he looked up at me and asked, "Wait, you said the baby is a girl?"

"Yes."

"And you named her Emily?"

"Yes."

"Why?" The confusion was clear in his dark brown eyes.

How could I make him understand? That in gaining all of Emily's memories and learning about who she was, I loved her. She had been a beautiful, vivacious, caring, wonderful person. The world was a dimmer place without her essence.

"Because I love her too," I said simply, and picked up his glass to put it in the sink. As I was walking across to the sink he spoke again.

"I know what you've done for everyone here. What you are still doing. That you've forsaken your own kind to help us. Why?"

I froze. I could not look at him because he would see the answer written plainly in my eyes.

Because I love you!

"Because it was the right thing to do. And it still is," I said instead, while rinsing out the glass and setting it to dry on a towel.

Sam was quiet for a while and I stared out the window again, not wanting to rush him.

"Snow?" he asked tentatively a few moments later.

"Yes Sam?"

"Would it be OK if I stayed here for the next few months until Little Em comes? I'd like to get to know her some. And you too if that's ok. I'll stay on the couch of course," he finished in a rush.

My heart was pounding against my ribcage so loudly I was certain every Vampire in LaPush could hear it.

"It's your house Sam. Do as you please. But I think that would be fine. Though I'll stay on the couch. You take your bedroom back." I said this all as nonchalantly as I could, though I was nearly shaking. Sam would be here every day! I would get to see him every day!

"Don't be silly." He stood up and walked towards me. "You're pregnant! You'll be sleeping in the bed in the bedroom. I'll sleep on the couch." His tone broached no argument, though arguing with him was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.

He was, once again, standing right in front of me, and we were mere inches apart. I could feel his sweet breath against my hair, and my skin tingled being so close to him. I wanted to touch him so badly.

Suddenly my stomach jerked, and my hand flew to it. "Oh!" I yelped. "I guess Little Em must know her daddy's back," I said smiling up at Sam.

Sam stared at my belly, hand half extended out towards me, but frozen in the act, as if he were afraid to touch me.

I knew what he wanted, and it was fine, because it's what I wanted, and little Emily wanted too. "It's ok, Sam. Come say hello to your daughter."

Sam saw the reassurance in my eyes, and so, slowly, hesitatingly he kneeled, extended a hand and placed it gently on my belly. Emily kicked almost immediately and I saw him smile, his first true smile since the first time I saw him. Leaning towards me, he placed his face against my belly next to his hand, and greeted his daughter.

"Hi baby. Sorry I was gone for so long. I promise Daddy's not going away ever again."

Then, so quietly that I could hardly hear him, he whispered. "I love you."

Chapter 9: Routine

6 weeks later

Just the sizzle of the ground beef browning in the frying pan was enough to make me sick, but I fought it and kept cooking. The pack would be here soon, and I still needed to make these sloppy joes. Goodness knows they always showed up with an appetite.

"Can you pass me the chopped onions?" I asked Sam while I stirred the meat with a spatula.

"Here you go." He extended a tupperware bowl with the onions towards me while I reached my hand out to it. I wasn't looking and he wasn't looking, and the next thing I knew onions were all over the floor next to the dropped bowl. We both bent over to pick up the bowl, and cracked heads hard on the way down.

"Ow! Sorry!"

What I was thinking trying to bend over to do anything in my condition, I don't know. Sam, obviously unhurt, was instantly by my side, with an arm around me and another hand lifting my chin up so he could look into my eyes.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" he asked all tenderness and love.

Our eyes locked, and for a moment the world stopped moving.

Then I shivered and looked away.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking. Do we have another onion?"

Sam shook his head as if to clear it, and then stepped back to a safe distance. Away from me.

"No. I'll run to the store and get another."

And then he was gone in the blink of an eye, with the crunch of gravel under the car's tires being the only indication of his departure.

Sighing, I swept the onions to the side of the trash can. I definitely couldn't bend over to pick them up with a dust pan, so they'd have to stay there for now. I hurried back to the frying pan so I wouldn't burn the beef, and sighed again. The last few weeks had been long and awkward to say the least.

Oh, Sam had been a perfect gentlemen, never acting inappropriately, always doing things for me, helping around the house, and basically getting ready for the baby's arrival. We got along fantastically. I already knew his habits, and he seemed to be adjusting to my presence just fine. Too fine.

The problem was it seemed like our bodies were two magnets, and it never failed that if we got in close of proximity to each other we were somehow touching or embracing momentarily before one of us would come to our senses and jerk away. Then there was the inevitable embarrassment following each episode where we felt like we had to tip-toe around each other.

I for one, was tired of fighting the clear attraction that we had for each other; I didn't want to fight it any longer.

I loved Sam. I wanted Sam. And sometimes, when I caught him staring at me, I thought that maybe, just maybe, he wanted me back.

I didn't know if I just wished it, or if it was real what I thought I saw in his eyes at times, but either way I knew he'd never act on it. He was too noble, too honorable. And most likely, still too in love with Emily. And wouldn't falling for his wife's murderer be the ultimate act of betrayal? Did I even have the right to ask for any of this? To want it?

In some ways I was glad I only had a couple of weeks left before little Emily was born. I didn't think I could stand this torture for much longer. But at the same time, the very thought of leaving clamped a vise around my chest and made it hard for me to breath.

It was such an impossible situation.

"Hello?! I smell SLOPPY JOES!" I heard Seth call out as he banged open the front door.

"I'm in the kitchen and you'll have to wait until they're done!"

I heard several more of the younger pack members tromp in behind him nosily, and I smiled. At least some things hadn't changed. The pack still came over to get fed.

"Snow!" Seth and Quill called out to me as they rounded the corner into the small kitchen. As big as those boys were, the room was suddenly very crowded.

"Hello boys. Like I said, food's not done yet. Sam had to get some onions."

"But I'm hungry now," Quill whined and tried to sneak a hand towards some potato chips on the counter. I playfully slapped his hand away and shook an admonishing finger at both of them.

"Behave or go to the living room and watch T.V. with the rest of them."

"Fine," They said in unison, and leaned up against the counter with their arms crossed against their enormous chests. Seriously, I had no idea how LaPush bred them so big!

I turned back to the task of making the sloppy joes and asked over my shoulder, "So, how's Bryan adjusting. Has he finally calmed down some?" Bryan still freaked out whenever he saw me so I really had no way of knowing if he was doing ok or not.

I heard the potato chip bag open, and shook my head in resignation. Boys.

"Oh yeah," Seth said around a mouthful of chips, "he's doing great, actually. He's supposed to be staying with us, but really, he spends most of his time at the Cullens', which is fine with everyone, since he's pretty much the only person we know who has the ability or the desire to stay up all night playing video games with Emmett. I don't think Rosalie likes him much, but then she doesn't like anyone, so no surprises there."

I chuckled at that because it was so true. "Well, he must sleep at some point. He's not a Vampire… Is he?" I asked half serious.

Quill and Seth started laughing, choking on the chips, and going into coughing fits.

"Don't make us laugh!" Quill gasped, trying to get a breath.

"Don't steal my chips," I retorted, plucking the bag out of his hands and pointing out of the kitchen. Sticking his tongue out at me, Quill marched out of the kitchen and joined the rest of the pack roughhousing in the dining room.

"No, he's not a Vampire. He's just your typical socially awkward young male adult who stays up all night playing video games, and then sleeps all day," Seth answered. I noticed the chips had made their way back into his hands. I shook my head at him, held out my hand, and pointed out the door. Sticking his tongue out at me just as Quill did, he tossed the mostly empty bag of chips towards me and started walking towards the living room.

As was typical lately, I clumsily dropped the bag of chips and, without thinking, bent over to pick them up. Halfway down I froze as I felt something shift inside, and suddenly the world began to spin causing me to feel dizzy.

"Uh Snow? Snow are you ok?" I felt Seth's strong hands grasp my upper arms to kept me steady.

"Hey Snow? You're leaking. Did you know you're leaking?" His voice sounded like it was obscured by a fog.

"Hey guys?" I heard Seth call out. "Get Sam! I think the baby's coming!"

Chapter 10: Mother

The next thing I knew it was like a 3-ring circus in the house. People and wolves were flying back and forth, in and out of rooms. Bags were being packed, and I noticed Leah racing out the front door, probably to warn Carlisle. It was a flurry of motion, a storm that I was the eye of.

This was wrong! Little Em wasn't due for at least another 2 weeks. I wasn't ready to leave yet!

Suddenly I was in Sam's arms, being swept out to the car. The thirty minute drive to the clinic was over in no time. I'm not ready! I was panicking. This wasn't fair! I still had two weeks left!

Esme met us at the car, and in a flash she scooped me up and carried me quickly into the operating room. Today it would double as a delivery room. It really was a small clinic, and pretty much all the rooms served multiple purposes.

Carlisle was suddenly there by my side examining me.

"You're already dilated ten centimeters! I'm surprised you didn't have the baby in the car!"

Too fast! It was all happening too early and too fast!

The cramps I had been feeling earlier that day were suddenly nothing compared to what I was feeling now. I shrieked in pain, but was instantly embarrassed by my outburst. Sam was gripping my hand and I didn't want him to worry.

It happened again and again, and all the while Sam held my hand as I screamed and pushed. I thought it would never end. Nothing could be as painful as this. Nothing!

Carlisle was excited. He could see the crown, then the head, then the shoulders, and then, there she was, my little Em, bright purple, covered in after birth, and a head full of short black hair.

She was beautiful.

And then I heard the most wonderful sound any mother will ever hear – Emily opened her mouth and let out a huge wail.

Esme quickly cleaned her up and then handed Little Em to Sam who stared at his daughter with wonder, and I stared at the two of them, with longing aching away in my heart.

Sam looked up, met my eyes, and gave me a quiet smile before gingerly passing Little Em over to me, and then very sweetly kissed me on my forehead.

"Good job," he murmured.

I was, of course, completely and utterly overwhelmed, amazed, and in love with this perfect little person. I never knew that I could love someone so much. What I felt for Sam paled in comparison to this.

I was a Mother and this little girl was my entire life now. This must be what imprinting feels like, I mused.

And then I started to cry because I knew that it was time to go. Time to give the real Emily a chance to come back.

I kissed our baby, the child the three of us shared, one last time and held her gently out to Sam, who took her with a resigned look on his face.

"You sure you want to do this?"

"Yes. It's the only way I can continue on. I couldn't live knowing that she could possibly be somewhere trapped in our head."

He saw the determination in my eyes, and then completely surprised me by bending over and kissing me fully on the mouth. If that was supposed to make this easier on me he was wrong. It was all I could do to stop myself from throwing my arms around him. I heard him silently murmur "thank you" and then he was gone.

I was wrong about nothing being more painful than the labor pains. This was a million times worse. I felt like I was dying from a thousand tiny cuts; like I was being drowned one drop at a time; like all the air in the world had left with Sam and Little Em and I was suffocating.

I tried not to cry, but wasn't very successful.

Carlisle had silently watched the entire exchange from the corner of the room. He was so quiet I'd forgotten he was even there. I hadn't even heard Esme leave the room.

"Snow," he began gently, sitting down next to me at the foot of the bed. "Have you given any thought to my proposal?"

I tried not to meet his eyes. I knew what he meant, and I didn't want to think about it because I didn't know what I wished for. He wanted to place me in another host in the unlikely event that Emily did come back. I wanted Emily to come back desperately, if only for Sam's sake, but I also selfishly wanted to stay.

He was still waiting for an answer, so I quietly began, "I have. And I think… well, I think that I would rather just go back to the bears after this, because I don't know if I could handle being here… after. Everything would just be too complicated. Too impossible. I don't think I could do it. I don't think I'm cut out for these human emotions."

Then he decided to play mean. He knew that I would do anything they asked of me. He knew I loved them all too much.

"We could still use your help Snow. It will be wonderful to have Emily back – if she's even still there – but she can't help us the way you can. We need you. Sam needs you. Little Em needs you."

I bowed my head and felt the tears pricking my eyes. He wasn't playing fair. I knew it hurt him to do this to me, and that he must truly believe it.

"I will stay if you think you really need me. Though it's not what I would choose for myself."

I felt his cold hands lift my chin gently and he forced me to look into his dazzling amber eyes.

"Hey, it's not just that we need you around, we want you around. You're family now, and none of us want you to go. Also, it's been nice to have a friend and a colleague."

I could feel the tears about to spill over, but before they could he pulled me into an icy hug.

"It will be ok Snow; it will be ok."

And then I was asleep.

Chapter Eleven: Reborn

The first thing I noticed was that someone was holding my hand in both of theirs, and it was very warm.

Werewolf warm.

And almost immediately I came to two realizations. The first one being that I was still in Emily's body, and the second one was that the hands belonged to Sam.

I wasn't sure which was more surprising, and I didn't know if I was happy or sad. Both really. But mostly I was scared. Scared of opening my eyes and seeing that it was all a dream.

"Please come back, Snow," he whispered, sounding for all the world like a man resigned to losing everything.

Then it hit me; he'd just asked for me and not Emily!

What did this mean? Did Emily not come back after the extraction? Did that mean I got to stay? Did Sam not hate me anymore? My baby! How was little Em?

I had so many questions, and I was still too afraid to open my eyes.

"Please…" he pleaded again, gently squeezing my hand. I couldn't refuse him anything really, though that was pretty obvious to everyone at this point. My eyes fluttered open and I turned my face to look at him, attempting to smile.

"Hey there," I croaked. Wow, I must have been gone for a long time. I felt very weak and my throat was parched.

"You're awake!" Sam exclaimed, relief visible in his features. "I thought I'd lost you too. I don't think I could handle losing you both… Losing Emily completely," he finished, clearly confused and also a bit embarrassed.

I didn't know if I was pleased or wounded by his words. It seemed that a part of him did miss me, and perhaps even cared for me, but of course the largest part, the part of him that was imprinted on this body, was glad Emily wasn't completely gone.

Given how impossible our situation was I didn't think I could really ask for better, and this was much more than I'd ever believed possible.

Well, if this was how things were going to be, then I would take it. I could make it work. Maybe in time… No! I didn't need to think things like that. Either I wanted to be with Sam the way things were right now, or I didn't want to be with him at all.

Even the thought of leaving him pained me. So I suppose my decision was made.

I placed my free hand gently on his cheek, and he leaned into it while he closed his eyes.

"I missed you too," I whispered, though to me I'd only been gone for a few moments.

We sat there quietly for a moment just basking in being reunited. No Humans, No Vampires, no Werewolves, no Souls, no conflict; just two bodies that needed to be together.

Then he did something I never thought he would do. Opening his eyes, he stared intently into mine, and then leaned slowly forward, all the while giving me every opportunity to stop him.

My heart raced and my mind debated with itself as he got closer and closer. I wanted this, I knew I wanted this… but I was uncertain that Sam did. Or perhaps he just wanted to kiss Emily's body. Would I be ok with that? My pride wanted him to kiss me. My hormones, on the other hand, just wanted to be kissed.

My hormones won out.

Sam's lips feathered gently across my forehead, and then my eyes, working their way down to my cheek, and eventually along my jaw line until they paused at the corner of my mouth, just like the first time he'd mistakenly kissed me.

I was nearly quivering at this point, but I was afraid to move lest I ruin the moment.

His lips touched mine carefully, tentatively, as if it was our first kiss, and in some ways it was. For the first time he was kissing me.

And that was when I lost my self control.

I wrapped my arms around him and tangled my fingers into his hair as I pulled him close to me. He responded in kind, and the fire blazed.

* * * * *

As I lay there nestled against Sam's shoulder, my head was still spinning. I was so confused. He leaned over to kiss the top of my head, his warm fingers caressing my arms.

"Sam?"

"Yes, Snow?"

"I'm confused."

"So am I."

"So what will we do?"

"This."

It seemed like as good a plan as any.