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Chapter 7.2
"I guess they speak for themselves, don't they?" he asked in a bitter tone.
Calleigh just sighed, that what she'd been afraid of – Horatio closing up. "They do…in a way," she agreed with him. "But I'm more worried about the reason why you have to use them, you know?" When she just got a huff in response she grabbed the bottle again. "It wasn't Alexx who prescribed them to you, right?" she asked, even though she already knew the answer.
"No," he shook his head slowly. "She wasn't," he said softly.
"Why?" she asked back as softly.
Horatio sighed. "Because I didn't want her to know. Didn't want her to be worried about me. And because I didn't want anyone else to find out."
Calleigh tilted her head the way he usually did. "How do you mean? Do you think Alexx would spill that?" she asked confused and a bit hurt that he could actually think that.
"No. Not like that. But it could get out, with Stetler sniffling around 24/7 and it doesn't concern my job, its private," he stated.
She could understand the fact about Stetler, but otherwise she couldn't. But this was not the time to argue. "Okay. So you went to this Dr.-," she looked at the bottle, "Andrews, and he prescribed you sleeping pills?" she asked and when she remembered it correctly, they were pretty strong ones too. Seeing his nod she wondered of how to proceed. "Since when are you taking them? Is this the first bottle?" According to the prescription date they were only one week old and it seemed like he hadn't taken a lot since then.
"Yes, he did and no…probably not," he hung his head and tried to ignore her gasp.
"Probably not? Horatio since when do you have problems with sleeping?" she asked genuinely concerned. If this was already the second, or worse the third or fourth bottle, he not only had been sleeping problems for months, but he was also heading straight towards to an addiction.
Well if he had to answer that honestly, then it would be for his whole adulthood. Ever since this disastrous day so many years ago, he fought with an almost constant insomnia, which allowed him rarely more than four or five hours of sleep a night if at all. But he had never taken any medicine for it. "For a few months...," he mumbled under his breath. His insomnia had gotten better the months he had shared his bed with Marisol, but after her death it had started again, probably even stronger than before.
Calleigh wasn't sure if she'd heard correctly. "A few months?" she repeated in disbelief. "Why didn't you say something?"
"It's nothing that I can't handle by myself," he replied a bit annoyed.
With a huff she put the bottle back onto the table. "Well yeah I can see that," she snapped inadvertently and immediately tried to sooth the situation again. "Listen, I'm sorry. It's just that…I mean…we both know that sleeping pills can lead into addiction and they don't cure the reason for your problems."
"I know…I know..," he nodded. He knew only too well how quickly they could lead into addiction and the fact that his family had quite a streak when it came to drug addiction didn't make it better. "I don't take them often, just sometimes...," he tried to banalise it.
Calleigh dearly hoped that he was saying the truth. But nevertheless, she was still worried of course. "So when do you use them? Has it something to do with the job?"
"I..no..," he ran a hand over his face. "It's not only the job..it's…it's my whole life at the moment.
She laid an encouraging hand on his shoulder. "Tell me," she prompted him softly.
"It's just…I can't take a break…there's the job and when I get home, there's Elena and I have to be there for her. I mean..I love my daughter with all my heart and I do love my job..," he sighed. "And sometimes that's all what's left of me..the job and being a father. There's no 'me' anymore and the only time where I can get away from it all is at night, when Elena is in bed and then…I can't sleep. I just can't...," he shook his head.
Calleigh smiled sadly at this. "You know, it's okay for you to feel like this. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have such a big responsibility and I'm sure that no one would object if you'd ask for a night off..," she said but was interrupted.
"I can't Calleigh. I'm already living under the magnifying glass of the authorities as a single father. When they find out that I'm not able to do my job and to be a good father, they will take her from me."
"What? No, no Horatio," she quickly shook her head. "They wouldn't do that to you or Elena. You're the best father she could ever have. You'd do anything for her and you love her. That's more than most people could say. Please, don't think like that."
Horatio just rested his elbows on his knees and bowed his head. Slowly, as if to smooth away the tension, he ran both hands through his hair. "It's not how it was supposed to be," he whispered. "It wasn't supposed to be just Elena and me. It was supposed to be Elena, Marisol and me."
"Oh Horatio," Cal whispered and wrapped one arm around him, in order to give him some kind of comfort. She could only imagine what he was going through. Not only losing his wife, but also the mother to his child and therefore being a single parent.
"I feel so bad for even thinking about leaving Elena alone. It's like betraying Marisol's faith in me and my abilities as a father," he sighed softly and leaned a bit into her embrace and the comfort she was offering.
"Don't do that, Horatio. I'm sure that Marisol is very proud of you and the way you're doing your job as a father. And I'm sure she's just as sad as you are. She knows that you're hurting, but she can't help you," Calleigh whispered and decided to lose the embrace. She didn't let go of him though, but began to stroke his back. "You still miss her, don't you?"
Horatio gave her a silent nod. He was missing her every time he entered the nursery and Elena greeted him with a bright smile, just like her mother's. He missed her presence in the house which already started to fade and he hated the fact. He wanted to keep her spirit in the house, but the same time he couldn't stop to change little things. "..so much..," he mumbled and took a deep breath.
"I can only imagine, Horatio, I can only imagine the pain you're going through," Calleigh said softly and noticed that he wiped away a lonely tear angrily. This was so Horatio. He was always the first one who would offer his help and comfort, but the same time he didn't allow this for himself. "You know…I know someone who always tells me that it'll help to talk about my problems and I think he's right about that," she told him and hoped to receive a positive reaction.
Horatio knew only too well who exactly she was talking about and it didn't sound as good as it did when it was him giving the advice to others. "I think you should probably get new friends, when they give you such advices," he smiled sadly and looked up a bit.
"Probably, but I'm quite fond of them," she bantered back and gave him an encouraging smile. "People say I'm a good listener, why don't you try it out?"
"I don't even know where I should begin," he sighed and leaned back against the couch.
"Well, what about the beginning?" she teased him and rested her hand on his knee. "Or what about, whatever bugs you the most? Tell me why you can't sleep…or tell me something different. Just start somewhere and I promise that I'll be there wherever you finish," she encouraged him and squeezed his knee. "I hope you can trust me that far."
"I do…I trust you with my life," he nodded.
"Then trust me with your fears."
And he did.
He told her about the dreams which turned into nightmares almost every time. He told her about the little things that haunted him every day; the things that reminded him of Marisol and the fact that he was alone again. He told her about the lonely feeling he had when he went to bed alone and the heartache he felt when he woke up and reached for her, but only found a cold bed side.
He told her about his guilty feeling that he had agreed to the pregnancy. He had been happy to make her wish come true and he loved being a father. But the same time this had been the reason why Marisol was dead now. He told her that it felt like it had been his fault alone and even though Calleigh tried to reason with him that it was anything but his fault, it was hard for him to believe that.
Both, he and Calleigh couldn't tell when he had started to let go of all the emotions he had locked up, because of Elena's wellbeing, but in the end he had lost this fight and Calleigh accepted it as a wonderful gift. Seeing him cry and actually start to grieve for his late wife and the fact that he let his walls down in front of her made her overly proud. And when he finally fell asleep because of the emotions and the tiredness, she had never seen something more beautiful before in her life.
Carefully, if not to wake him, she was now running her fingers through his hair, his head resting in her lap. She was murmuring soft words of comfort and only now she let her own tears fall. She felt so sad for his loss and the turmoil he was going through; not to forget of fact that he thought that he had to do it all alone. She wanted to take away all his pain and yet she knew all too well that she couldn't.
And she felt sad because of herself, because this man on the couch was, understandably, grieving for a woman that would never come back again and the same time she knew that she was falling for him more and more. She desperately wanted to be his friend, his anchor, but the same time she also wanted to be more and she knew that he couldn't and probably wouldn't ever give that to her.
***
When Horatio woke up the next morning, he knew two things –this definitely wasn't his bed he was lying on and his back was a little stiff. The question just became where was he? And why wasn't he in his bedroom anyway?
Carefully he cracked one eye open and took in his surroundings. He was in his living room; that much he could say. And this also answered his questions about what he was lying on and why his back was stiff. Curiously he also opened his second eye and immediately wished he hadn't. There was a dull pain in his head and his eyes felt sore. With a small moan he closed them again and ran a hand over his face. More and more of the previous night came back and the more he remembered the more he wanted to forget.
Had he really spilled his guts to Calleigh? He groaned. And most of all had he really cried in front of her? He groaned even more. The last thing that he could remember was sitting with her on the couch, resting his head in her lap and telling her about all the things that had bothered him for the last months. This was not good. Not good at all.
Slowly he sat up and only then he noticed the Quilt which was covering him. A small smile crossed his face. It had been his mother's and after her death he had made it his own. She had always covered him with the Quilt when he had been resting on the couch, which had been mostly when he had been sick. The fact that Calleigh had done the same, though he wasn't sick, warmed his heart.
Calleigh.
Damn.
He had fallen asleep on her. This was really embarrassing.
With a groan he rested his head against the couch and massaged his temples to get rid of the dull pain. When he opened his eyes again, his look fell automatically on the radio-controlled clock on his bookshelf, which told him the time. It was already 8:30 a.m. which not only meant that he had slept 8 hours through, but also that Elena must be already awake.
Elena.
With a start he got up and searched frantically for the baby monitor, which wasn't any longer on the couch table where it had been the night before. It was then when he heard a voice and faint noises from the kitchen.
In the kitchen Calleigh was busy preparing the breakfast one handed, since she was holding Elena with the other. She had left Horatio that night alone on the couch, after she had freed herself from him and had covered him with the only kind of blanket she had found. Afterwards she had taken the baby monitor with her upstairs, hoping that Horatio could sleep through the night and Elena wouldn't wake him up during the night.
She had spent the night in his small guest room and after a refreshing shower this morning and getting dressed, she had changed Elena. She took more and more pleasure of doing so and after she had checked on Horatio she had decided to make them some breakfast. Her thoughts were still running about the previous night of course and she dearly hoped that Horatio had broken through some walls and the healing process could begin now.
"So what do you think would your daddy like, Sweetie?" she asked Elena, who was lulling on a soft roll. "Is he more the pancakes or the bagel type, hm? Or does he just drink some coffee, huh?" she laughed and gently nudged Elena's belly. The squeal of delight she got in response made her heart melt in an instant. This child was absolutely adorable. She had Marisol's dark brown hair, but Horatio's bright blue eyes and Calleigh hoped that they would stay this blue. In a few years she would have the boys falling head over heels for her and Horatio would have a hard time to keep them away with a stick. Giggling at this thought, she shook her head and jumped slightly when she heard his voice behind her.
"Actually, it's a muffin and a coffee."
"Horatio!" she spun around and gave him one of her mega watt smiles to hide her embarrassment about being overheard. "You gave us quite a shock," she chided him and took in his rather rumbled appearance. His suit was wrinkled due to the night spend on the couch, his hair was ruffled, his eyes were a bit swollen but nevertheless he also looked determined. She took that as a good sign. "Good morning," she chirped and Elena joined in with a loud "Oooo" and reached out her tiny arms for him.
"Good morning to you too, Cal," he replied and immediately walked to his daughter. He hadn't seen her for almost a day and he missed her a great deal. "And a good morning to you too, Ellie," he grinned and took her in his arms. "How's my favorite girl, today?" he cooed and kissed and nuzzled her cheek, which made Elena laugh, since his stubbles tickled her. "That good, huh?" he asked her and laughed when she reached for his scratchy cheeks.
Calleigh just smiled at this scene and was happy that Horatio seemed to be so relaxed. He always was when he was with Elena, but still, it was a good sign. "I guess someone needs to shave," she teased him and turned around to continue with her work.
"Probably, yes," he nodded and watched her for some time. "What are you doing?"
"Making breakfast?" she turned around and smiled at him.
"You...you don't have to do that, Cal. I mean…it's bad enough that I…uh...well fell asleep on you yesterday," he blushed slightly because this was absolutely embarrassing for him, "and that you had to stay here overnight. I can't let you slave in the kitchen for me…us. You're still on vacation and I prevent you from having some rest."
"Horatio," she sighed and kept herself from rolling her eyes, "when was the last time that you slept 8 hours through the night, without the help of a pill?"
Confused he looked at her and stopped Elena gently from feeding him with her roll. "Actually...," he tilted his head and had to think about it, "I can't remember exactly," he admitted.
"Good. That's all I wanted to hear. And now shoo, have a shower and get into clean clothes. Meanwhile this little princess and me will prepare the breakfast," she smiled charmingly at him and took Elena in her arms again. She loved it when Horatio looked dumbfounded. This was such a rare sight.
"But-," he tried to argue, but her shooing noises didn't give him any chance. "Okay then," he relented and raised his arms in defeat. There was no way that he could win against two women, so he just gave them their will. And Cal was actually quite right about a shower and clean clothes. It wasn't very comfortable to sleep in your suit. "I'll be back in 15," he told them, though he was quite sure that they weren't exactly listening to him anyway. On his way to the bathroom he made plans for the rest of the day. He needed to go grocery shopping, he had to call the lab and ask for the autopsy results and then a walk in the park seemed like a very good idea. He needed some fresh air and Elena too. Plus, he could spend time with her which was always good.
Tbc
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