A/N: Thank you all for your reviews. I'm glad that you still enjoy the story, even though it doesn't look good for DuCaine at the moment. Just wait and see how it will all turn out.

Chapter 13

At the moment everything was just too much for Horatio and even though he hadn't admitted it in the past, his nerves weren't the best any longer. He had literally lost them several times in the last weeks, which had resulted in him snarling at colleagues and getting surprised glances from the rest of his team. Because everyone knew that especially he, Horatio Caine, was known for his calm temper towards his colleagues and his fairness towards them.

But it wasn't only his team who'd noticed his changes, he did it too. He noticed that it increased that he got upset about things he normally would have smiled at. What irritated him the most were the attempts to mediate from both Alexx and Eric. They told him that he needed to talk about what was depressing him, but he was so sick of talking. There were no words that could describe what he was going through. And there was no one who could understand it.

Meeting Calleigh again and again in the lab didn't make it any easier, more like the complete opposite. Every time he saw her, he felt a sting in his heart and he realized the misery he was in. Every time he saw the hurt in her eyes made him feel like a complete idiot, knowing that it had been his actions that caused that pain. He should have never ever agreed to go to the club. He should have listened to his inner voice and stayed at home; but no he had went out, had drunk too much and now he had to pay for it.

And the bad thing was that it got worse and worse the more days had passed. Instead of getting easier, it was getting harder to stay calm and collected in her presence. And the more he tried to keep himself together, the more he lost his temper. Losing his temper made him mad at himself and there was no way to break out of this vicious circle.

He had begun to assign them to different cases, because in his opinion the more space they had, the better they would get along. This was a complete fallacy of course. For one thing he missed her presence and this unnerved him greatly; second, she was the only ballistic expert in his team and so every time he had a case where a gun was involved he needed to consult her and that was about in almost every case.

***

With a heavy sigh he let the bag containing Elena's things fall onto the hallway floor. He just wanted to get out of his shoes, his suit, getting Elena ready for bed and then have a nice, large drink. It was hard to imagine, but his mood was even worse than it'd been before and the bad thing was, that he didn't even know why. There hadn't been a particular hard case, Stetler hadn't unnerved him and they had actually wrapped up a high profile case successfully, which had bothered them for a few days now.

Still he felt tense and unable to relax. He felt tired, but the same time he was full of energy. He knew that probably just one wrong word or action would cause him to burst and that's why he needed a good drink that would numb his emotions.

He probably needed some vacation; needed to get out of Miami; needed to be alone for some time, but this wasn't an option. It felt too much like running again and he had promised himself that he would never run from his responsibility again. So his options were pretty much exhausted and so a good drink had to do it.

"It's time for dinner and then for bed, Elena," he announced and carried her into the kitchen where he sat her down in her baby-chair. He knew that he wasn't his usual self and so did his daughter who felt the bad vibes coming from him. So she was unusually quiet and didn't babble along, like she normally did, when she was with Horatio and wanted to 'tell' him about her day at grandma's.

Not bothering about what he was going to make her for dinner, Horatio just grabbed one glass of baby food out of the cupboard and put it onto the kitchen counter. "Oh yummy, it's carrots with potatoes and meat," he read out the menu's name and was happy that he didn't have to eat it. He wasn't a big fan of carrots, even though the rumours said that they were good to keep his hair red and eyes sharp.

He opened another cupboard and pulled out her plate, before he casually took the glass in his hands and tried to open it. With a sigh he looked upwards and mumbled to himself, when he couldn't open it. This was most definitely not his day. "Stupid thing," he grumbled and turned it around so he could knock the other side of the glass.

"Get open," he ordered and felt more and more that his patience was coming to an end. And this was never good. "Stupid glass...should have known better than that," he talked to himself, leaned a bit down to have a better angle and used his whole strength. With a loud click the glass lid suddenly opened and Horatio not only lost his balance, but half of the content landed on his stark white shirt and the light wallpaper around him.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!!" he growled when he saw the mishap and quickly reached for a wet cloth. But instead of cleaning the shirt, it got worse and worse. Suddenly he had one smeared, big stain of mashed carrots on his formerly white shirt, instead of several small spots.

Enraged he grabbed the curse of his rage and threw it against the wall. With a loud clank the glass burst into millions of pieces and distributed its content all over the kitchen floor and wall.

The room was deadly quiet and the only thing you could hear was Horatio's heavy breathings. Like in trance he stared at the bright, orange spot on his wall, not realizing what he had actually done.

Elena was quiet too, but not for long. After a few moments she pulled a face, her lower lip began to tremble and she started to cry loudly. Not because she got hurt, but because of shock.

Furiously Horatio turned around to face his daughter. "Keep quiet!" he yelled at her, which made Elena cry even harder and Horatio even more furious of course. "I told you to be quiet," he repeated and walked to her baby-chair. With his hands on his hips he looked down at her and tried to make her stop with just his glare, but much to his dismay it didn't work. "Elena," he said and leaned down to look into her eyes and what he saw there shocked him. It weren't the tears, but the faint hint of an emotion he never wanted to see when it came to his daughter – fear.

From one moment to the other his whole demeanour changed. His arms hang loosely by his side, his formerly hard face softened immediately and his whole body language relaxed. "Ellie," he said softly, "I'm sorry. Daddy didn't want to scare you. It's just not his day today." Or better said not his month anyway. Carefully he reached out for her, watching her closely if he saw any kind of discomfort and when he didn't see any, he lifted her out of her chair.

"Come here," he cooed and kissed her temple. Elena wrapped her tiny arms around his neck instantly, which took a great relief from his shoulders; his biggest fear, that Elena would be scared of him, wasn't confirmed. "Daddy won't do it again", he whispered and carried her into the living room where he sat down on the couch.

"You know", he started and put her onto his lap, one arm safely around her, "I know that I'm not my usual self at the moment and I hate that. What I hate even more is, that I can't change it. Everyone is coming to me, asking for advice or help. They look up to me, they look up to Lt. Horatio Caine… but I'm not Horatio Caine any longer. Well," he rolled his eyes and shook his head, "of course I'm still Horatio Caine, but not the one I used to be months ago, you know? When I met your mother," he sighed and gently stroked Ellie's hair which was so similar to Marisol's, "I felt complete. There had always been a part in me that had longed for something… for a relationship, a partner… a family and your mother filled this empty spot. She'd filled it with her unconditional love and trust in me. She'd filled it when we decided to get married and she most definitely filled it when she told me about you", he smiled genuinely.

"And when she died, a part of me died too. This spot was suddenly empty again and from then on I felt incomplete. I've been a better person thanks to her and now I malfunction." He looked at his daughter with sad eyes. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't met her. And then… I would look at you and I know that meeting her was one of the best things that have ever happened in my life and I can tell you that there hadn't been a lot of good things in my past." This was also a reason why he was afraid of doing something that would result in Elena being scared of him. He didn't want to become his own father.

"Of course, my team…and so-called surrogate family tried to help me; and even though I love them, they can't replace a partnership. I've spent many years alone, after my first marriage failed and I got used to living alone and spending the nights alone at home. It changed when your mother moved in. There was someone who'd been waiting for me, who I could talk to about the job. It sounds stupid and probably old fashioned but I loved coming home and smelling her wonderful cooking. It's not that I want my wife being tied to the kitchen, but it warmed my heart that she wanted to make sure that I eat. It reminded me a bit of my mother, who was a very talented cook by the way", he smiled sadly. "The moment I entered the house I felt the burdens of my job being lifted away and when your mother smiled at me, I knew that I could start to relax." He didn't know how she'd made it, but Marisol had had a very soothing effect on him.

"The last time I felt this good and relaxed was when I was out with the team and your uncle Eric. It felt so good to be with them, because they just wanted to have a good time. They wanted me to feel alive again and they'd succeeded. They'd wanted to spend time with just me, Horatio. Not Lt. Caine or Horatio Caine, no just Horatio. We had a lot of fun, joked around, drank some alcohol and then…we started to dance." A smile appeared on his face immediately.

"I probably don't look like it, but I can dance. My mother made sure of that when I was a young boy. I love dancing a lot, you can just do it for fun or you can express your deepest feelings with it," he explained Elena, who had at some point rested her head against his chest. "That night I danced with your aunt Calleigh and…it'd been very nice," he admitted and remembered the way they'd danced and they way she had felt in his arms.

"She's a very good dancer and matched me in every step, no matter how slow or fast the dance had been. She'd trusted me in guiding her…us without thinking twice and I felt really honoured by that. In fact I've felt pretty darn good with her on the dance floor and seeing the jealous looks from the other men. Can you imagine that a woman thought that Calleigh is my girlfriend?" he chuckled and added silently, "and that I wasn't in any way offended? Of course she's a good looking woman, she has a heart of gold, but I shouldn't feel like this. I should have corrected the woman, telling her that we're just friends and nothing more. But I didn't, because I couldn't," he let out a frustrated sigh.

"I told myself that I didn't tell the woman so I could turn her down in a nice way, but that's not entirely true. And that's what makes me feel so bad. Your mother hasn't even been dead for a year and I'm already starting to be interested in other women. What does this say about me? That I never really loved your mother? That I just married her to fill this empty spot?" he asked her, though he knew that she wouldn't give him an answer to that, because only he and he himself could answer this.

"I loved your mother, Ellie. And I miss her a lot. And I feel like I've betrayed her memory," he concluded and gave Elena a squeeze. "And now I don't know what to do. Avoiding Calleigh didn't make it any easier and having momma Alexx on my heels is also not a very nice feeling," he sighed, kissed her hair and deeply inhaled her typical baby scent. "Daddy has made quite a mess, huh? Well let's hope that you didn't inherit that from me," he laughed softly and made eye contact with his daughter. "Thank you for listening, Princess. It means a lot to me," he smiled at her and got a laugh in response.

"Yeah I wish I could be as positive as you are," he teased and looked at his watch. "Should we have a second try to get some dinner? It's probably safer when I cook you something, than trying to open a glass," he rolled his eyes. Getting a positive affirmation, he stood up with her and made his way to the kitchen again. Cooking was a very good idea actually, since it made him relax and it was a lot healthier than searching for your answers at the bottom of a bottle after all.

tbc