Disclaimer: I ownth not any trademarked things in this script. I only own Ashley, 'cause she's mostly me.
SCENE 1
[inside the TARDIS. ASHLEY and THE DOCTOR]
ASHLEY: So, Doctor, where are we going??
DOCTOR: I have no idea. Isn't it outstanding!?
ASHLEY: Oh, Doctor, I love it when you're spontaneous!
DOCTOR: Oi, don't switch back into rabid-fangirl mode or I'm dropping you off on the nearest desert world, I swear!
[DW theme intro]
SCENE 2
[cut to them walking around.
ASHLEY: I feel weird, Doc. I feel all sideways or something.
.org/wiki/Dutch_angle
DOCTOR: it's not you, it's the camera. It's gone to all Dutch angles, like the link above this line.
ASHLEY: why is there a link above you?
DOCTOR: so people reading this script on can get a visual idea about what a Dutch angle is. But yes, we've gone all Dutch angles. I think this means this episode is going to be bizarre…
[more shots of walking around. DOCTOR picks up several items: a sword, leather boots, etc. Finally, DOCTOR stoops to pick up one more thing off the ground.]
ASHLEY: What is it?
DOCTOR: [uses SS] I thought so.
ASHLEY: But what is it?
DOCTOR: the most terrible thing known to man.
ASHLEY: WILL YOU GET TO THE POINT???
DOCTOR: Oi, I'm setting up the drama, thanks. But here it is: constant misspelling, first person narration; perfect, beautiful heroines who fall in love with the main character but don't exist in the actual story, no plot whatsoever…
ASHLEY: Oh no! Fanfiction!!!
DOCTOR: I know. It's the stuff of nightmares. But what could it mean?...
SCENE 3
[cut to them walking some more, looking around the air.]
ASHLEY: Something is terribly wrong here. But what could it be? It seems so familiar…
DOCTOR: Well, we have a few clues. One. We are in black and white.
ASHLEY: So retro!
DOCTOR: Two. All those items, including the fan fiction. [waives sonic screwdriver] That should reveal number 3---
ASHLEY: Jon Pertwee?
DOCTOR: Why did I agree to take you with me again? No, not the Third Me. Number 3 on my list of clues leading to the solution to this mystery! The screwdriver has hypergromionized the subspacial frequency of the interstellar vortex---
ASHLEY: *clueless*
DOCTOR: basically it made everything around us visible, including the masses of slobbering, ravenous, blood-thirsty beasts to our right.
ASHLEY: *gasp* No, no, no!
DOCTOR: Yes. Fangirls.
[shots of FANGIRLS]
DOCTOR: And it also revealed the other villains of this plot: the Cold and Stupid Ones, dark, brooding, beautiful, completely unrealistic and blights on classic horror and science fiction literature.
[shots of TWILIGHT VAMPIRES.]
ASHLEY: HOLY CRAP! Not the Sparklepires! I thought I had escaped them by randomly finding your show on BBC America! They're revolting—but so, so beautiful at the same time. [looks hypmotized]
DOCTOR: Don't get near them, or they'll suck us further into their reality with no plot, no motivation, and no personality. But now I know where we are and I can fight them.
ASHLEY: where are we?
DOCTOR: Black and white video effects,, fanfiction, fangirls, sparklepires. We're in…the Twilight Zone! [dramatic music]
[cut to shots of ASHLEY and DOCTOR running. Long, from-behind shots, then close-up.]
ASHLEY: I know running solves all problems, but we'll never outrun the sparklepires!
DOCTOR: It's not them we're outrunning at the moment; it's the fangirls!
SCENE 4
[DOCTOR has ASHLEY by one arm, trying to pull her away]
DOCTOR: No, you poncy fairy! You can't have her! Ashley's my fangirl! She bakes me cookies and darns my socks! And you've got enough of your own!
EDWARD: You are my life now, Ashley.
ASHLEY: But Doctor, he loves me…
DOCTOR: Don't listen to him! He doesn't care about you! He only cares for making money off impressionable children for that silly Mary Sue who dares to call herself an author.
EDWARD: If you were smart, you'd stay away from me.
DOCTOR: Can't ya see that's the point of this, ya stupid elf?
EDWARD: This is the body of a killer, Bella.
ASHLEY: Wow…so…glittery…[faints]
DOCTOR: Oh, that's real impressive, isn't it, Eddy Munster? [sarcasm] Ya put on some body glitter and you got all the little girls screaming for you, sayin' 'Oh, Edward, bite me, please!' That's just sick, you Vegas showgirl!
SCENE 5
[DOCTOR and ASHLEY by the TARDIS]
DOCTOR: How are you feeling?
ASHLEY: So much better! I was almost under his spell! How did you defeat the fangirls and sparklepyres?
DOCTOR: First I threw copies of Bram Stoker's "Dracula" and Anne Rice's "Interview With a Vampire" at them. And then I used my sonic screwdriver to reverse---
ASHLEY: English please!
DOCTOR: Fine. I opened a wormhole from your universe to this one, which released a stream of Plot and Character Development into it, thereby destroying them all.
ASHLEY: That's great, Doctor! I'm so happy that I'm not going to post pictures on the Internet of you making out with the TARDIS!
DOCTOR: [head in hands]
THE END