Disclaimer: I do not own the Alex Rider series. Chapter title: Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey- The Beatles.
"Alex, I want to make things right with you and your... brother. In fact, I've wanted to make things right with both of you, my two sons, for quite some time now. You see, I was so young when-"
"Don't call him my brother." Alex tensed, biting words bitterly through clenched teeth. Jack blinked, surprised at the teenager's sudden hostility, even if it was warranted. Alex wasn't a vicious, angry kind of kid. He wasn't the type to hold a grudge. "I don't want anything from you. You left me when I was four years old without a single word. No phone call, no letter. I'm sorry but at this point in time, there's nothing you can do to... 'make things right'."
"Alex, I was young. I was just a kid, barely more than a child when I married your mother. I married her when I was just twenty five years old. I was eleven years older than you are now and I was stupid and reckless and my priorities were... I wasn't ready for it but I... Your mother was expecting, Alex. She was pregnant with twins and I couldn't just leave her. So I married her and she tried to pretend she was happy, seeing me coming and going at all hours. I was on autopilot with her. My job was my life, not her. She was just... She loved me, Alex. Loved me with everything she had and I had nothing to give her but pain. She miscarried our children and she.... wasn't well."
Alex shifted slightly in his armchair, sliding further back into his cushion, frowning. Jack hovered, uncertain, in the doorway. She wasn't entirely convinced about whether she should stay or go.
"For a long time afterwards, she was anxious. Paranoid. She wasn't really in touch with the world. She kept checking things over and over and she got very upset if anything changed. We had a nursery in our house and she wouldn't let me in when I came home. She kept... blaming me, always constantly rambling at me like the twins had died because of me. I just worked harder and harder and left her alone in the house for weeks on end. Eventually, she got so bad that she had to get help. I came home one weekend and she was standing on the railing of the balcony, holding the twins stuffed animals but covered in blood. She'd tried to slit her wrists and when she missed the vein she decided to jump."
John ran a hand through his hair and rubbed his nose quickly, collecting his thoughts.
"She fell three floors, broke both of her legs and I finally committed her to a psychiatric hospital, to get her better again. She spent a year there, going through all kinds of therapies and medications with slow, gradual progress. I'd visit but sometimes she wouldn't see me and other times she'd beg me to stay with her because she was lonely and scared and upset. I mostly made it through that year like a zombie. Just driving from the Royal & General to her hospital in Marlow and back to our house again. I drank a lot. I was unfaithful. Your uncle tried to help but he didn't understand, not really. Your mother, she did get better, eventually. She was still anxious and obsessive about different things but for a while, things with us got better."
Jack wandered over to sit on the arm of Alex's chair, resting an arm on his shoulder gently. He didn't move. His gaze remained fixed on John's face, flat and emotionless.
"It was good to have her back. Made me happy. We moved though, mostly to get away from that nursery and our neighbours. She couldn't sleep with that room crammed full of baby things. I cut back a little at work and we made a go at it for a while. I used to bring her flowers and she'd make dinner every single night without fail. We got used to some kind of normality but it was never going to last. My boss, he sat me down one day and gave me a choice. I'd been working office hours for weeks and he'd let me, just so that he had something to hang over my head. He told me that it was either settle with a desk job or take a mission he had me pencilled in for. We talked about it. She didn't try and convince me because she knew that there was no way in hell I was ever going to choose menial paperwork over my job, the job that I loved."
John felt a little twinge as he said it aloud for the first time, voiced honestly his own selfish destruction. It was the first time that he'd ever really admitted what he knew.
"They stuck in for deep cover. I spent months checking and re-checking my briefings. For the purposes of a long assignment, we decided it was best to be as honest as possible with my background. I got to keep my name. If they ever let you keep your name, Alex, that's when you're in trouble. That's when they don't expect you to come back. I was twenty seven years old when I 'murdered' a man called Ed Savitt in a bar. It was some wonderful theatrics, if you ask me. I spent nine months wrapped up in legal proceedings before they sent me to prison. I was in Full Sutton for a year. It was... difficult. They released me at the end of the year. I was twenty eight years old when your brother was born."
Jack inhaled sharply, more than a little surprised. She'd been wondering when the children would come into it and how Helen Rider could possibly have sat out an entire year alone in London after what John had described as a massive emotional breakdown. It made sense. The pregnancy would have kept her happy and distrated while her husband did whatever he pleased. It made the American's stomach churn to think of it.
"We named him James Ian Rider. He was eight pounds two ounces and he was born on a Wednesday. Your mother was delighted, if a little emotional. She was convinced that something would go wrong. I was there for his birth; they released me specifically so that I could be at the hospital. It was a difficult time for us because I was still in the middle of a mission and your mother's anxiety took a turn for the worse. He made her happy though, happier than I could. It was like the tension from the twins eased a little bit. I spent three months with them, scrounging around London for a job just as I'd been instructed. I was approached by Scorpia then, and maybe half a year later I was instructing for them in their training compound in Italy."
"Was she... depressed?" Alex asked slowly, his voice low and flat.
"Not really. She was underweight and absolutely frantic about Jamies' welfare but she was on medication for that. I'd visit her every once in a while and she'd be fine but she was just as good at keeping things from me as I was at hiding things from her. I never really saw how she coped because she was always cautious around me, always worried that I might hurt him, even inadvertently. I was ready to be a father but I was in Italy so much that I rarely got to see my son. I suppose my way of handling it was by pouring everything into my students. I took one of them in particular under my wing. You've heard of him. Yassen. Yassen Gregorovich."
Alex's jaw tensed slightly.
"You were born in nineteen eighty seven, Alex. I gave myself up to MI6 in Malta and they brought me home to meet you for the first time, to make my first visit in a couple of months back to my family. When I got home, things were bad. Not as bad as before prison but bad enough to warrant my taking longer than necessary to be with you. There had been some complications with you mother. She started seeing things, hallucinating. It was the medication she'd been taking. I re-committed her to hospital and hired a nanny to look after you and Jamie. About a month later I "died" for the first time on Albert Bridge. I won't go into the details; it was a complicated situation which I'm not particularly proud of. After that-"
"What are you ashamed of? Tell me. If you really want to be honest with me, tell me now." Alex deadpanned, interrupting for the second time.
"I had been sleeping with another woman casually and I manipulated her affections to save a hostage's life. Alright? I slept with another woman. I finished the mission and took some time off, under strict instructions to keep my head down. We moved to Aldershot and your mother finished her treatment and joined us again. She immersed herself in family life. For a while, she did nothing but give you and Jamie constant attention and care. She lived for the two of you. She was never the same though, as when she was younger. She was terrified that something should happen to one of you. She doted on you, Alex."
John swallowed slowly and seemed to consider his words as he proceeded.
"When Jamie turned four he started at the local primary school and your mother stayed home to look after you. I was on leave but I started doing a bit of instructing at the Paras' training camp. Jamie didn't really take to school. He took a long time to settle in and he wasn't much when it came to reading and writing. He was sociable though, got along really well with the other kids. Your mother didn't like him going out to other peoples' houses though. He was on the football team and you used to cry every single time he left for training. By the time you started at school, we were just about settled into suburban life."
"It was maybe two weeks after you started in school that I got a call from MI6 to tell me that I had to leave the country. They told me that it was an emergency, that my location had been compromised. They said not to worry, that they'd chartered a private plane to fly us to the South of France, give us a chance to get away. They told me... to tell your mother it was a surprise holiday I'd bought, just for the two of us. They said to leave you two in London, with a team of highly trained agents. Ian was part of the detail. What choice did I really have? Besides, Ian was going to be there, looking after you both. I agreed. I had to. Your mother didn't want to leave you both but I persuaded her. I worked on her about it. Jesus. If I'd known what was going to happen, Alex. I swear, I never would have... Christ."
John fisted his eyes with the heel of his hand roughly, rubbing at them despondently for a second.
"The plane never even got off the ground. They blew us up as we were taxiing. The plane turned into an inferno, one gigantic fireball. It ripped in half from the force of the explosion and I was catapulted onto the run way, still on fire. I thought I would die. I woke up in agony. The worst pain I'd ever felt, as if I was still burning alive. I was in an MI6 medical facility that was more like a prison with world class doctors. For nine months I couldn't even speak. I had extensive surgery to repair my body. The very latest medical technology to get me back to something resembling humanity. My entire right arm, most of my left torso and my left knee cap all had work done. It was an unpleasant experience, one I don't recommend to anybody but I came through it. It took the best part of two years for me to reach my past physical capacity."
"As for the two of you, once MI6 had brought down the plane they intended to place you both as wards of the state. Of course, Yassen Gregorovich and the organisation that he had backing him, had other plans. Stiletto had interest in training children from their first real stages of cognizant development to their adulthood to become a new breed of agent within their organization. MI6 had no idea that you and your brother had been targeted for Stiletto's sick, twisted experiment. Yassen Gregorovich and a team of at least three other men moved in, drew Ian's squad into gunfire and managed to make off with both of you. MI6 tried to kill Ian twice and he had to flee the country because he'd been poking through old transcripts in his office. He found a document that had been signed by executives, licensing the bomb that had been planted on the plane. I spent eight years in various medical facilities all over the world, all run covertly by MI6. You were maybe twelve by the time I... discharged myself."
John's lips twitched.
"I would have come straight for you, honestly, I would have. I was very angry though and, if I'm being truthful, more than a little insane. I drifted across Europe for a while, spent some time in South America. It was selfish of me but I felt so terrified. For a while, my head wasn't really wrapped around what had happened. Ian never gave up on looking for me, though. He tracked me down last year and brought me to Jerusalem, where he knew a safe house where we could rest up while he tried to get me some help. It was there that I had what I can only describe as the most religious experience I've ever heard of. Alex, it was like nothing I'd ever felt. Just a driving compulsion. For the first time in my life I felt like God was watching, telling me where to go. Steering me through the streets, all the while dissecting my life inside my brain. It was incredible."
John's voice sped up, hitching slightly as he got more animated. It was more than a little disturbing to hear him talking, almost ranting, like a mad man about some mysterious contact with the supernatural.
"I wandered the streets for three days. Gave Ian a bit of a heart attack, me disappearing like that. I didn't sleep, didn't eat. Just listened. When I came back, everything was crystal clear and I knew exactly what I had to do. For a month all I did was lie on my bed reading the Bible cover to cover. I found something in Jerusalem, Alex, something that's become very dear to me. 'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.' All of a sudden I understood what had been wrong with me. I had to give my trust to the Lord and pray that everything would follow. And it did. 'The kingdom of Heaven is within you.... Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven and all things will be added unto you.' I've come to make peace with you, Alex. And to ask you for your help."
"What is it you want?" Alex replied, voice shaking slightly. He'd never seen anything more terrifying than this. This absolute devotion and certainty in something unquestionable. He was furious, somewhere in the back of his mind. John Rider looked so still when he manically quoted the Bible, voice full of reverent awe. He didn't deserve the happiness that was evident on his face. This was the man who'd abandoned his children, who'd cheated on his mentally fragile wife. Alex wanted to hate him so very badly. He'd left him, abandoned him because he didn't fucking care and then he'd come back when he wanted help because he'd had some 'spiritual enlightenment.'
"Love comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith, Alex. I want you to help me find your mother. I know in my soul that she has to be alive. She's out there somewhere and they're keeping her from us because... because they're punishing me. I can't do this alone, Alex. You've got a good head on your shoulders and I can't risk them lashing out at you because of me. I won't. I want you to come with me because I have to save you. I have to keep you safe now. She has to be alive. She has to be-"
"She doesn't have to be anything but dead! If she loved Alex so much, she would have come for him! You were fine, all this time and then you come back and you talk Bible at us!? You come out with this 'love of the Lord' bullshit and you think that makes us even!? You can't risk them lashing out at Alex!? Where were you when they manipulated him, exploited him into doing their dirty work!? You just tossed him aside and now he has a family! James and I might not be his biological parents, but at least we're there for him. At least we care about him. Now that he has people who care about whether he gets his exams or does his homework, you come skipping back in with your pious quotes and tell us that you want him with you. And you think that's all right!? You're even more bat-shit insane than I thought!" Jack spat out venomously.
Alex was shocked. He'd never heard her so livid. He'd never heard her swear so furiously. He'd never seen this side of Jack before and he couldn't help but watch with a slightly morbid fascination as her remarks impacted on John one by one, sinking in with pain only the truth could inflict. He didn't even flinch.
"Hold on just a second. I'm his father. I had to disappear off the map for safety. I faked my own death twice, just to be certain that nobody was following me. I didn't get the opportunity to indulge in the fun side of parenting because I've been on the run for the past two years. So please, indulge me in my parental right to ask a son to help his father to find his mother. If he stays here, he will be a sitting duck. You simply don't have the skills or means to protect him from what may come when I go head to head with them to save my wife. I think you should just-"
"Save your wife!? You don't even know she's alive! I'm sorry but I can't- I won't let you put Alex in danger. Have you heard anything you've told us!? You neglected your wife, engaged in adultery and abandoned her to go undercover for your own misplaced sense of patriotism. You could be chasing a grave and you'd put your own child at risk for that!? If you cared for her at all, you'd leave now and never come back." Jack interrupted angrily.
John folded his arms across his chest warily, and looked as if he was about to reply before his mobile phone rang noisily in his pocket. He looked mildly irritated as he fished it out, punching the answer button.
"I'll call you back." He grunted, hanging up abruptly and reaching back into his pocket, this time withdrawing a small, clear plastic container. Jack opened her mouth to continue and he pointedly silenced her with two raised eyebrows and a sort of shrug, directing her gaze to the little plastic case. She closed her mouth again, surprising Alex. She wasn't the kind who took being shushed well.
John rifled through the case delicately for a second before he took out his hand, a tiny orange SIM card pinched between two fingertips. He put the case on the small coffee table Wolf had bought in Ikea and switched the orange SIM card for the one in his phone. Alex was intrigued. John was utilizing the same method as drug dealers to avoid having his calls tapped. Either he was extremely sensible or unfeasibly paranoid.
"Hello? Yes, I'm still there." John spoke to whoever he was calling gruffly.
"What? All right. All right. Back stairs. Give me a minute. Bye."
The conversation ended abruptly as John calmly returned both the plastic case and the phone to his left pocket. He lifted himself off the sofa and stepped into his shoes in one fluid movement, flexing his neck carefully.
"I have to go now. There's been a bit of a hitch in plans. I'll come back next week for you, if you want. I'll keep in touch."
He bustled out of the room swiftly, leaving just Alex and Jack in the living room again.
Numbness wasn't coming anytime soon for Alex. He'd seen it happen to fictional characters in books and movies a dozen different times; becoming numb to the deep throbbing pain in his chest that felt like he was being ripped in two. He guessed that perhaps he wasn't that lucky.
Jesus, was anyone?
Fin. Sorry for the ridiculously over due update. Please review. Next chapter before Christmas.