Act One, Scene One, Part One

(A fluffy haired Asian man is squirming in the front row of the theater as its sole occupant, the megaphone next to him marking him as the director. Up in the booth… well, let's not go there. Suffice to say it is chaotic to say the least. Behind the stage crew and cast alike are running about busily. On the stage, a panicked brunette is racing about adjusting the set pieces for Theseus's palace, causing the laid back conductor in a violet tuxedo to pause in the orchestra's warm-up to tell her "Breathe Fran!". At length everything is ready and the actors for the scene appear. They are a dusky-skinned young man with crinkly black hair in a velvet red doublet; a sweet-looking young woman with silky black hair in a flowing blue gown; and an uptight grey-haired man in a suit. The man in the front row gives the sign to begin.)

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour

Draws on apace; four happy days bring in

Another moon; but O! methinks how slow

This old moon wanes; she lingers my desires,

Like to a step-dame, or a dowager

Long withering out a young man's revenue.

(He breaks out of character.)

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

What the heck did I just say?

Hippolyta/Madison:

I'm not really sure. Dax?

Dax:

Uh… I never really thought about it before. Hey, Rose?

(A young Hispanic woman pops her head out the booth window.)

Rose:

What?

Dax:

Could you serve as translator 'cause Nick has no idea what he just said. Please?

Rose:

Fine. Theseus is telling Hippolyta that he can't wait for their wedding in four days.

(A young man in black with floppy brown hair in a black leather jacket pops his head out.)

Cobweb/Dillon:

And that he can't wait to jump her.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

WHAT?! I'm not about to tell Madison that!

Dax:

You're not telling Madison, Theseus is telling Hippolyta.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

I don't know…

Cobweb/Dillon:

It's either you tell her or some other guy does.

(Theseus/Nick's expression is priceless. They begin again. After he's given the speech again, Hippolyta/Madison speaks.)

Hippolyta/Madison:

Four days will quickly steep themselves in night;

Four nights will quickly dream away the time;

And then the moon, like to a silver bow

New-bent in heaven, shall behold the night

Of our solemnities.

Uh… does that mean what I think it means?

Cobweb/Dillon:

If you think it means the moon is going to be spying on you two lovebirds when you're doing it in four nights, then yeah.

(Hippolyta/Madison blushes furiously and looks down. Equally embarrassed, Theseus/Nick does his next segment of lines.)

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Go, Philostrate,

Stir up the Athenian youth to merriments;

Awake the pert and nimble spirit of mirth;

Turn melancholy forth to funerals;

The pale companion is not for our pomp.

(Philostrate/Spencer exits.)

Hippolyta, I woo'd thee with my sword,

And won thy love doing thee injuries;

But I will wed thee in another key,

With pomp, with triumph, and with reveling.

(Egeus/Dr. O. in a multi-colored outfit, Hermia/Ronny in a yellow gown, Lysander/Xander in a green tunic & pants, and Demetrius/Conner in a red shirt and white pants enter. Before Egeus/Dr. O. can speak Theseus/Nick/Bowen speaks to Rose, who has come down to sit next to Dax.)

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Now what was that babble about?

Rose:

You won Hippolyta over by defeating people in combat I suppose. That or she was originally a noble lady of an enemy state which you conquered and you won her over anyway. Now you want to party, nothing gloomy whatsoever.

(Snug/Flynn in a blue turtleneck and navy kilt pops his head next to Cobweb/Dillon.)

Snug/Flynn:

Like at Summer's almost-wedding! Except Tenaya 7 crashed it.

(Everyone looks at them.)

Cobweb/Dillon:

It's a long story.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Happy be Theseus, our renowned duke!

(Everyone looks at him.)

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Sorry. For some reason I thought this was our first dress rehearsal of our production of "A Midsummer's Night Dream". I wonder why.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Oh yeah… Ahem.

Thanks, good Egeus: what's the news with thee?

Okay, no translation needed there. Continue.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Full of vexation come I, with complaint

Against my child, my daughter Hermia.

Stand forth, Demetrius. My noble lord-

Demetrius/Conner:

That means I step forward, right?

Hippolyta/Madison:

I think so.

Demetrius/Conner:

Cool, dude.

(He steps forward. Egeus/Dr. O. rolls his eyes.)

Egeus/Dr. O.:

My noble lord,

This man hath my consent to marry her.

Stand forth, Xander: and, my gracious duke-

Dax:

Uh. Dr. O.?

Egeus/Dr. O.:

What?

Dax:

You said Xander, not Lysander.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

I did?

Theseus/Nick:

Yeah, I think you did. Oh, and I understand everything so far. Man, English has changed a lot in four hundred years.

Rose:

That's because it's a living language. Now-

Hermia/Ronny (laughing):

Rose! Can you go into lecture mode later? Right now Dr. O. needs to do his big speech before he forgets it!

Egeus/Dr. O. (glumly):

Too late. Can I go reread it from my script?

(Fran hurries out, a script in hand. Egeus/Dr. O. looks over his speech.)

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Got it! Now, no more interruptions! I left off just as I was about to begin my rant against Xander.

Dax:

Lysander!

Egeus/Dr.O.:

Yeah, him.

(He pretends to be enraged.)

This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my child:

Thou, thou, Lysander, thou has given her rimes,

And interchang'd love-tokens with my child;

Thou hast by moonlight at her window sung,

With feigning voice, verses of feigning love;

And stol'n the impression of her fantasy

With bracelets of thy hair, rings, gawds, conceits,

Knacks, trifles, nosegays, sweetmeats, messengers

Of strong prevailment in unharden'd youth;

With cunning hast thou flich'd my daughter's heart;

Turn'd her obedience, which is due to me,

To stubborn harshness. And, my gracious duke,

Be it so she will not here before your Grace

Consent to marry with Demetrius,

I beg the ancient privilege of Athens,

As she is mine, I may dispose of her;

Which shall be either to this gentleman,

Or to her death, according to our law

Immediately provided in that case.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

It's a safe bet to say that I only understood the last six lines where basically Hermia isn't obeying her dad and he's not happy about it.

Cobweb/Dillon:

What on Earth are nosegays and sweetmeats and gawds? Seriously, girls like stuff with names like that?

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

That's what I don't get.

Snug/Flynn:

Nosegays are a kind of tiny bouquet, sweetmeats are a type of food, and as for gawds… that's a form of the word gewgaws but other than that I don't know. By fantasy Egeus means imagination. Oh, conceits is a medieval word for fancy articles, knacks is probably a shortened form of knick-knacks, trifles are like tokens, and bracelets of hair are most likely are what we call locks of hair.

(Cobweb/Dillon gives Snug/Flynn a long look.)

Cobweb/Dillon:

It worries me that you know all that, Flynn.

(Snug/Flynn just shrugs.)

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Anyway…

(He puts his arms on his hips.)

What say you, Hermia? be advis'd, fair maid.

To you your father should be as a god;

One that compos'd your beauties, yea, and one

To whom you are but as a form in wax

By him imprinted, and within his power

To leave the figure or disfigure it.

Demetrius is a worthy gentleman.

Hermia/Ronny:

So is Lysander.

Theseus/Nick:

In himself he is;

But, in this kind, wanting your father's voice,

The other must be held the worthier.

Hermia/Ronny:

I would my father look'd but with my eyes.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Rather your eyes must with his judgment look.

Hermia/Ronny:

I do entreat your Grace to pardon me.

I know not by what power I am made bold,

Nor how it may concern my modesty

In such a presence here to plead my thoughts;

But I beseech your Grace that I may know

The worst that may befall me in this case,

If I refuse to marry Demetrius.

Demetrius/Conner:

Just curious, what's so wrong about marrying me? I'm good-looking, relatively intelligent, smell nice, and not to mention a soccer star.

Egeus/Dr.O.:

I don't think they had soccer in ancient Greece, Conner.

Demetrius/Conner:

Seriously? Then how did they survive? Life without soccer. No wonder they wore those crazy togas.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Those were the Romans, Conner.

Demetrius/Conner:

Well, did they have soccer?

Egeus/Dr. O.:

No.

Demetrius/Conner:

And that explains all the psychotic emperors too.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Not to interrupt this critical conversation, but can I give my speech to Hermia now or what?

Demetrius/Conner:

Oh. Sorry, dude. Go ahead.

Theseus/Nick:

Either to die the death, or to abjure

For ever the society of men.

Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;

Know of your youth, examine well your blood,

Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,

You can endure the livery of a nun,

For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,

To live a barren sister all your life,

Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.

Thrice blessed they that master so their blood,

To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;

But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,

Than that which withering on the virgin thorn

Grows, lives, and dies, in single blessedness.

Cobweb/Dillon:

I don't know if I understood all of it, but it sounded impressive.

Lysander/Xander:

Is it just me, or do you have something against the moon?

:

Not me, Theseus!

Rose:

I think he's just projecting his impatience onto the moon.

Hermia/Ronny:

Don't do a psychoanalysis right now, Rose. I need to respond to Nick's awesome speech.

So will I grow, so live, so die, my lord,

Ere I will yield my virgin patent up

Unto his lordship, whose unwished yoke

My soul consents not to give sovereignty.

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Take time to pause; and, by the next new moon,-

The sealing-day betwixt my love and me

For everlasting bond of fellowship,-

Upon that day either prepare to die

For disobedience to your father's will,

Or else to wed Demetrius, as he would;

Or on Diana's alter to protest

For aye austerity and single life.

Demetrius/Conner:

Relent, sweet Hermia; and Lysander, yield

Thy crazed title to my certain right.

Lysander/Xander:

You have her father's love, Demetrius;

Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him.

Whoa. Did I just tell you to marry Egeus?

Demetrius/Conner:

Ewww! I'm not marrying Dr. O.! GROSS! No offense meant, Dr. O.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

I'm not sure if I can take offense.

Scornful Xander! true, he hath my love,

And what is mine my love shall render him;

And she is mine, and all my right of her

I do estate unto Demetrius.

Lysander/Xander:

You did it again, Dr. O. You called me Xander instead of Lysander.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

Aagh!

Lysander/Xander:

I am, my lord, as well deriv'd as he,

As well possess'd; my love is more than his;

My fortunes every way as fairly rank'd,

If not with vantage, as Demetrius's;

And, which is more than all these boasts can be,

I am belov'd of beauteous Hermia.

Why should not I then prosecute my right?

Demetrius, I'll avouch it to his head,

Made love to Nedar's daughter, Helena,

And won her soul; and she, sweet lady, dotes,

Devoutly dotes, dotes in idolatry,

Upon this spotted and inconstant man.

Nice going, Demetrius.

Hermia/Ronny:

Question: if you jumped Helena, why do you want to marry me?

Demetrius/Conner:

Hey, I just play the guy! I don't know why he jumped Helena. Maybe he thought she was cute or something. You know, he had a crush on her but now he has a crush on Hermia since she looks like Freya and all.

Hermia/Ronny (defeated):

No one is ever going to let me live that one down, huh?

Snug/Flynn:

Wait. What?

Theseus/Nick/Bowen:

Someone will explain later, Flynn. Okay, I need to reply to Lysander's accusations against Demetrius.

I must confess that I have heard so much,

And with Demetrius thought to have spoke thereof;

But being over-full of self-affairs,

My mind did lose it. But Demetrius, come;

And come, Egeus; you shall go with me,

I have some private schooling for you both.

For you, fair Hermia, look you arm yourself

To fit your fancies to your father's will,

Or else the law of Athens yields you up,

Which by no means we may extenuate,

To death, or to a vow of single life.

Come, my Hippolyta: what cheer, my love?

Demetrius and Egeus, go along:

I must employ you in some business

Against our nuptial, and confer with you

Of something nearly that concerns yourselves.

Egeus/Dr. O.:

With duty and desire we follow you.

(Everyone exits the stage except Lysander and Hermia.)

Cobweb/Dillon (approvingly):

Sneaky of that lovebird Duke, to leave the other pair of lovebirds alone to figure out a plot to escape.

Snug/Flynn:

Uh-huh.

Dax:

Shush! Try to remember that this is a dress rehearsal, people!