Act One, Scene One, Part Two
Lysander/Xander:
How now, my love! Why is your cheek so pale?
How chance the roses there do fade so fast?
Wow. Medieval guys were better sweet-talkers than me- and that's saying something.
Hermia/Ronny:
Belike for want of rain, which I could well
Beteem them from the tempest of mine eyes.
Lysander:
Ay me! for aught that ever I could read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smoth;
But either it was different in blood,-
Hermia/Ronny:
O cross! too high to be enthrall'd to low.
Lysander/Xander:
O else misgraffed in respect of years,-
Hermia/Ronny:
O spite! too old to be engag'd to young.
Lysander/Xander:
Or else it stood upon the choice of friends,-
Hermia/Ronny:
O hell! to choose love by another's eye
Cobweb/Dillon:
Hang on. I can't cuss but she can? What the *&#?
Dr. K.:
It's a line from Shakespeare, Ranger Operator Series Black.
Cobweb/Dillon:
Wouldn't it just be easier to say my name?
Dr. K.:
No. Now let Lysander speak.
Lysander/Xander:
Or if there were a sympathy in choice,
War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it,
Making it momentary as a sound,
Swift as a shadow, short as any dream,
Brief as the lightning in the collied night,
That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,
And ere a man hath power to say, 'Behold!'
The jaws of darkness do devour it up:
So quick bright things come to confusion.
Snug/Flynn:
I don't believe that.
Cobweb/Dillon:
Of course you don't. You believed in spandex-wearing superheroes back when you were a lad in a kilt.
(Dr. K. leaps out of the pit and begins to chase Dillon around backstage. As the scene continues, various sounds from the chase are heard.)
Hermia/Ronny:
That was weird.
If then true lovers have been ever cross'd,
It stands as an edict in destiny:
Then let us teach our trial patience,
Because it is a customary cross,
As due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs,
Wishes and tears, poor fancy's followers.
Lysander/Xander:
A good persuasion: therefore-
(BANG! BUMP! CLATTER! Lysander/Xander looks vaguely miffed.)
A good persuasion: therefore, hear me, Hermia.
I have a widow aunt, a dowager
Of great revenue, and she hath no child:
From Athens is her house remote seven leagues;
And she respects me as her only son.
There, gentle Hermia-
(THUMP! THUMP! "OWCH!" Lysander/Xander is now thoroughly irritated.)
There, gentle Hermia, may I marry thee,
And to that place the sharp Athenian law
Cannot pursue us. If thou lov'st me then,
Steal forth thy father's house to-morrow night,
And-
(Several war cries are heard, and several more noises. Exasperated, Lysander/Xander gets out his wooden wand, which is capped by a green crystal carved in the form of a minotaur head. He waves it, expelling green sparks. There are some muffled yelps backstage. Satisfied, Lysander/Xander resumes.)
And in the wood, a league without the town,
Where I did meet thee once with Helena,
To do observance to a morn of May,
There will I stay for thee.
Hermia/Ronny:
My good Xander!
Dax:
Lysander!
Ronny/Hermia:
Whatever, Dax.
My good Xander!
I swear to thee by Cupid's strongest bow,
By his best arrow with the golden head,
By the simplicity of Venus' doves,
By that which knitteth souls and prospers loves,
And by that fire which burn'd the Carthage queen,
When the false Troyan under sail was seen
By all the vows that ever men have broke,-
In number more than ever women spoke,-
In that same place thous hast appointed me,
To-morrow truly will I meet with thee.
Lysander/Xander:
Keep promise, love. Look, here comes Helena.
(Grouchily Helena/Vida enters. She is wearing a pink sleeveless dress.)
Helena/Vida:
Why do I have to do this? This is serious miscasting.
(A redheaded trumpeter speaks up from the pit.)
Chip:
You'll be totally wicked, V.
Hermia/Ronny:
God speed fair Helena! Whither away?
Helena (without spirit):
Call you me fair? that fair again unsay.
Demetrius loves your fair: O happy fair!
Your eyes are lode-stars! and your tongue's sweet air
More tunable than lark to shepherd's ear,
When wheat is green, which hawthorn buds appear.
(grumpy)
What a lot of idiocy. Do I seriously have to be so loony and lovesick and just plain disgusting?
R.J.:
You can do it, Vida. If Fran can run the JKP for hours on end alone while breathing, you can pretend to be absolutely lovesick.
Chip:
What he said. GO VIDA!
Helena/Vida:
I hate you both.
Sickness is catching: O! were favour so,
Yours would I catch, fair Hermia, ere I go;
My ear should catch your voice, my eye your eye,
My tongue should catch your tongue's sweet melody.
Were the world mine, Demetrius being bated,
The rest I'll give to be to you translated.
O! teach me how you look, and with what art
You sway the motion of Demetrius' heart.
Hermia/Ronny:
I frown upon him, yet he loves me still.
Helena/Vida:
O! that your frowns would teach my smiles such skill.
Gag me, please.
Hermia/Ronny:
I give him curses, yet he gives me love.
Helena/Vida:
O! that my prayers could such affection move.
Bleh.
Hermia/Ronny:
The more I hate, the more he follows me.
Helena/Vida:
The more I love, the more he hateth me.
Good for you!
Hermia/Ronny:
His folly, Helena, is no fault of mine.
Helena/Vida:
None, but your beauty: would that fault were mine!
No way, Jose.
Hermia/Ronny:
Take comfort: he no more shall see my face;
Xander and myself will fly this place.
Before the time I did Xander see,
Seem'd Athens as a paradise to me:
O! then, what graces in my love do dwell,
That he hath turn'd a heaven unto a hell.
Dax:
Lysander!
Lysander/Xander:
Helen, to you our minds we will unfold.
To-morrow night, when Phoebe doth behold
Her silver visage in the wat'ry glass,
Decking with liquid pearl with the bladed grass,-
A time that lovers' flights doth still conceal,-
Through Athens' gates have we devis'd to steal.
Hermia/Ronny:
And in the wood, where often you and I
Upon faint primrose-beds were wont to lie,
Emptying our bosoms of their counsel sweet,
Snug/Flynn:
Bosom- now there's a word I haven't heard in a while. Wonder why.
Hermia/Ronny:
There my Xander and myself shall meet;
Dax:
Lysander!
Hermia/Ronny:
There my Xander and myself shall meet;
And thence from Athens turn away our eyes,
To seek new friends and stranger companies.
Farewell, sweet playfellow: pray thou for us;
And good luck grant thee thy Demetrius!
Keep word, Xander: we must starve our sight
Dax:
LYSANDER!
(Ronny just ignores Dax.)
Hermia/Ronny:
Keep word, Xander: we must starve our sight
From lovers' food till morrow deep midnight.
(Hermia/Ronny exits.)
Lysander/Xander:
I will, my Hermia.—Helena, adieu:
As you on him, Demetrius dote on you!
(Lysander/Xander pauses on the edge of the stage.)
Lysander/Xander:
Hey, V?
Helena/Vida:
What?
Lysander/Xander:
It could be worse.
Helena/Vida:
How could this possibly be worse?
Lysander/Xander:
You could have been Hermia and have to pretend to be in love with me.
Helena/Vida:
EEWW!
Lysander/Xander (smugly):
Exactly.
(He exits.)
Helena/Vida:
How happy some o'er other some can be!
Through Athens I am thought as far as she;
But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so;
He will not know what all but he do know;
And as he errs, doting on Hermia's eyes,
So I, admiring of his qualities.
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind.
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgment taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguil'd.
As waggish boys in games themselves forswear,
So the boy Love is perjur'd everywhere;
For ere Demetrius look'd on Hermia's eyne,
He hail'd down oaths that he was only mine;
And when this hail some heat from Hermia felt,
So he dissolv'd, and showers of oaths did melt.
I will go tell him of Hermia's flight:
Then to the wood will he to-morrow night
Pursue her; and for this intelligence
If I have thanks, it is a dear expense:
But herein mean I do enrich my pain,
To have his sight thither and back again.
So much for bosom buddies, huh?
(Crossly Helena/Vida exits and the curtains fall. Fran pokes her head out and begins to babble.)
R.J.:
Breathe, Fran!
(Fran takes a deep breath.)
Fran:
Why are Dillon and Dr. K. all wrapped up in vines backstage?
Dax:
Xander!
(Hermia/Ronny pokes her head out.)
Hermia/Ronny (grinning):
Don't you mean Lysander, Dax?