Authors Note: Sorry for the delay folks. Hopefully it will be worth it. As usual I own nothing except the plot. Thanks go out to Moon who looked over this and made some recomendations.

An Encounter with Unicorns.

Diary of a Relatively Sane Author.

So there we were, Moon and I, trudging (no one uses the word trudging any more have you noticed? Pity, for 'tis a good word) though the woods of a Sue possessed Narnia, when we came across our first hindrance…

"Moon," said I, as we wandered by the banks of the Beruna, (which was for some inane reason now a deep pink and surrounded by fairy-filled grasses), "I just thought of something."

She looked up and asked, "What?" She pulled another sugary leaf of a nearby tree and chewed on it expectantly. Apparently a 'Sue-ified Narnia had some perks...

"Well," I said, "I was wondering, how exactly did these—" I paused, trying to think of away to describe a Sue. I settled for a less strong term: "—creatures come to rule Narnia, anyway?"

Moon sighed and discreetly coughed out the remains of a leaf off to one side. "The Queens told us. They married the Kings and took over."

"I know that," I replied, "but the point is: how were they able to do all that? A Sue is only as powerful as the 'author' makes them. It would take a very smart author to contrive and enforce a plot as radically different from canon as this."

"But 'Sue authors aren't smart—" A look of realisation crept over Moon's face. "Hey! If they aren't smart, then—?"

"Exactly," I said, smiling, "They have the brain capacity of a gnat, which explains the bad spelling and the constant misuse of grammar but leaves the question: where did these two Sues find an author smart enough to get a story to this conclusion without some like you, or I, or Lady of Stormness Mountain finding it and shutting it down?"

Moon's face turned serious as she pondered this. "We'll ask them," she said. "Right before we tear their heads off." The latter prospect seemed to make her somewhat more cheerful, for her face brightened a bit with it and a bounce came into her step.

While Moon and I were going over this, in the marble halls of Cair Paravel (now made of sparkling purple-and-pink brick and covered in sickly pink tapestries) the so-called 'queens' were discussing a very important matter. US. (You may be wondering how I know this as I was several miles away, but it's my story so go with it).

"Theyve liek arivd," Jenna said, storming into the throne room and collapsing onto her (pink) throne. She wore a sulky look on her face.

"How do u no?" Melissa asked, looking up from her magazine.

"Liek bcuz that woman who brout us her, liek u no teh authoress, sedd so."

"Wat r u so wurrid bout?" Melissa asked. "Its not liek theyre prblem."

"But tehy liek luv cannon," Jenna pointed out, slamming her hand onto her arm-rest. A cloud of pink dust rose in response, and the guard behind the thrones took one whiff and collapsed. "Theyll kill uss an throw us bak in2 teh void," she paused, then added dramatically: "or...worse."

Melissa stared at her. "Wat cud b worse than teh void????"

Jenna shuddered. "Lotsa thingz. tehy mite send uss 2 anuthr fandom. We liek mite end up being pared with ... liek ... Gimli."

Melissa cringed, but then shook her head. "But u forget sumthing, we have two hawt kings an a hole kingdom undr our controll." She clapped her hands, "eddykins!!!1!" she called, "cud u cum her pleez sweetums????"

There came the sound of running feet, and then King Edmund the Just burst into the room, a manic grin plastered across his features, "Yes, my Angelic Pumpkin?" he responded, giving a foppishly elaborate bow and nearly falling flat on his own nose. "What does thine heart desireth?" (It almost makes me sick writing this, but that's what it was like).

Melissa smiled sweetly, and ran a hand through Edmunds hair, "cupcake, their are a couple of nasty nasty people, down by the pink river, who want to hurt me. u wouldn't want that would you?"

Edmund shook his head, the look of a besotted puppy still evident on his face, "Of course not, my dear muffin-heart," he said, "What wouldst you have me do?"

"Just send a couple of creatures out there to deal with them. Do that and I'll..." (The latter part was whispered loudly, but its best negated. Trust me: if you were to read what she'd offered you would want to rip your own eyes out. Its better you don't know.)

Edmund nodded, and immediately rushed off to issue the order. As he left, Jenna clapped her hands, and began to bounce up and down. "Yay," she squeaked, "Now we can get on with having those statues of ourselves put up."

Back at the river, Moon and I were taking a long deserved rest and planning how to dispose of these rather bothersome Sues.

"We could run them over," Moon suggested. "Squashed 'Sues are always fun, although the pink goo smells rather foul and the grass won't grow on the spot for a few months."

"Run them over? With what?" I countered.

She thought for a moment. "A cart? You know, the old 'Oops-I-was-holding-on-and-accidentally-let-go-downhill-right-over-where-you-were-standing' ploy."

I shook my head. "Nope. How would we get hold of one in the first place?"

"We could borrow one," she prompted, looking a little devious. "Bree-style."

I narrowed my eyes. "Steal it, you mean."

She shrugged and nodded, "Basically."

"Nope," I replied, "No theft."

Moon began picking daises, "But perhaps—if it's for the good of Narnia..."

"No," I said firmly, "No theft."

"All right," She scowled a bit, "Mind you, I don't like Bree's way of borrowing things myself, but we've got limited resources here and so it just might come down to that. I'm just trying to be practical." (For some reason, 'No, you were trying to be smart' came to my mind automatically...) She chewed on a piece of grass contemplatively and then gagged, flinging it away from her. "Ew. Bubble-gum flavoured." She gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry. Straying a bit there. What would you suggest?"

I rolled over and looked at the clouds, (now fluffier than ever before and taking the shape of fairies and other 'cute' things). Nothing deadly and inspiring seemed to be there, so eventually I gave up looking and sighed, "We could just hit them over the head with something heavy."

"Like what?"

"What ever comes to hand, I suppose. Sue skulls are quite soft."

Moon shrugged and nodded. "I guess it'll have to do. Although, you'd think... if Aslan really wanted us to get rid of these Sues, he could have at least supplied us with the means to do it."

I sighed and stood up, "Well, he didn't, or hasn't yet—not that I can tell, at any rate. Now we'd better get going again."

As we began to pass through the woods again, there was the sound of clopping hooves. Moon turned round and blanched. Following her gaze I stared as a group of purple and pink unicorns emerged from the trees.

"By the Lion's Mane," Moon muttered.

"It's like an episode of Charlie the Unicorn," I said, eying up the unicorns warily.

"Stop," one of the unicorns trilled, "You may go no further."

Moon laughed, "Come on guys," she said, "Just let us through. We're on a mission for Aslan."

In response the unicorns all lowered their horns, and began to paw at the ground, "We served the Queens," the unicorn said, "Now go back. Better still, we'll help you go back by killing you."

"Well, they don't spend much time beating 'round the bush, do they?" she laughed falsely. I rolled my eyes.

"'Mission for Aslan' really convinced them, nice work," I muttered.

"How was I supposed to know it wouldn't work?" she replied, then smacked her forehead. "Of course. Look at the horns—bright pink. Nothing Narnian about them." She continued to berate herself, muttering until I elbowed her.

The unicorns began to move forward, horns down for skewering and hooves rearing for trampling. A few more minutes and we'd be finished. I looked towards the heavens, "Aslan," I whispered, "Little help."

No sooner had the words left my mouth, than my arm suddenly began to droop from the weight of something in my hand. Looking down, I saw that I was now holding a glistening sword. I looked at Moon, expecting to see her armed with a bow and arrow. Instead she had a Morningstar clasped in her hand.

"No bow," she looked more than faintly relieved. "Always been rubbish at aiming, I have," she confessed. "But this will do nicely. Okay, boys," she faced the unicorns, "Bring it on."

The unicorns charged, and within a few minutes a full-scale battle had begun. I chopped at everything that moved. Beside me, I could see Moon bringing her mace down on the heads of several pink unicorns. But no matter how many we killed more seem to appear as if from no-where.

"It's hopeless," I called; as Moon whirled pass me, "There's too many."

"I know," she replied, "But we don't have much choice. I refuse to be gored by a pink unicorn. It's too much of a cliché, not to mention I don't want to die smelling of bubble-gum."

Suddenly there was the sound of a horn, and an armoured four legged shape burst from the trees opposite, a massive two-handed sword at the ready. The creature immediately began hacking away at the pink and blue pests.

"Come on, humans!" It cried. We looked about a bit before realizing it was talking to us. "Don't just stand there!"

Moon and I looked at each other, before returning to the fight. With the aid of the new arrival we made short work of the unicorns and within a few minutes the last one was fleeing into the forest. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I looked up at our mysterious aid and was surprised to see that it was General Oreius.

"Oreius?" Moon said, "What are you doing here?"

"I heard the commotion," the centaur explained, "And decided to see what it was. I arrived at a good time, yes?"

We both nodded. "But General," I said, "Shouldn't you be at the Cair."

He sighed, "I am ashamed to say I am a General no more. When the Kings were married to those things, I could not in good conscience remain in the army."

"Why ever not?"

"My duty is to protect Narnia. It is clear to me that those new queens are the biggest threat to my home. Besides," he shivered a little bit, "when they first met me those two creatures tried to ride me and plait my tail with ribbons."

I paled. Nobody in their right mind would try to ride a centaur, to say nothing of the ribbons... "So what did you do?"

"I fled the Cair with my most loyal soldiers and having been in hiding ever since."

Moon's face brightened at the prospect of a centaur-army. "How many of you are there?"

Oreius breathed out, "There can be no more than fifteen or twenty of us."

Moon smiled, "Oreius," she said, "Aslan himself sent Steward and I to rid Narnia of these Sues. Would you be willing to help us?"

Orieus smiled for the first time, "I would be more than willing," he turned and trotted with quiet majesty back towards the trees. "Follow me and I will take you our hideout."

Moon and I looked at each other and laughed. Things were definitely beginning to look up.

Back at the Cair however, Melissa and Jenna were far from happy, "What do you mean they ESCAPED?!?!!!!!!!!!" Jenna screamed. A nervous-looking unicorn shivered at her feet.

"A centaur appeared, your majesty," the unicorn explained, "He and the humans killed my brethren. I was lucky to escape."

"Oreos," Melissa snarled, "or watever his name was. i knew that no-good horsie was up to something."

As the unicorn left the hall, Jenna turned to her friend, "So what do we do now?"

Melissa shrugged, "so they got some help. We still have liek a whole kingdom. Theyll be stopped soon enough." She got to her feet. "Im going to speak to the authoress. Maybe she has a solution." With that she walked out of the room and with a flash of pink light, she disappeared.

In a side dimension outside of time, a girl of about fifteen with long blonde hair sat, typing away. There was another pink flash and Melissa appeared in the room.

"Authoress," she said, "There has been a…development."

The girl looked up, "I know that," she said, "But do not worry. I have it in hand," she waved her hand, "Just go back and keep those Kings quiet. I will handle these cannon freaks."

"Yes, my lady," Melissa said, before vanishing with another pink flash.

Staring at her laptop, the girl rubbed her hands together, "The poor fools," she muttered, "they won't know what hit them."

So Moon and I spent that night in the company of Oreius and his rebels, unaware of how big the mess we were now involved in was.

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