Authors Note: The estate of CS Lewis own Narnia, Waldern Media own Orieus, JealousOfTheMoon owns herself. I own everything else. Thanks to Moon for another brilliant editing job.

Sorry this has been a while in coming. I got caught up in NaNoWriMo and school and poetry and some really messy personal stuff. But with Christmas coming up I'll try to get another chapter to you soon.

Enjoy

Why it doesn't pay to underestimate Sues

Somewhere outside of time/space…

Right. Before I begin this recap I should warn you. It involves flashing lights and swirling shapes. Those of you with epilepsy should step outside. Thank you. So, is everyone ready? Moon. Run the tape.

Diary of a Relatively Sane Author

So Moon and I found ourselves in a Narnia that not only looked like there had been an explosion at Barbie's Happy Play Palace but one that was ruled by a pair of the dumbest yet most powerful Sues we had ever encountered.

So after collecting supplies from Mr Tumnus (and two incredible annoyed Queens) we set out. However shortly afterwards we were set upon by a heard (is heard the right word?) of sue possessed unicorns. Fortunately the arrival of General Oreius meant that we now had some much needed back up.

Okay folks. Those of you outside can come back in now.

Moon and I followed Oreius through the forest until we eventually reached his camp. There we found a small gaggle (another good word that isn't used enough) of stern looking Centaurs, Fauns, Satyrs and dwarves.

"Why are there so few of you?" Moon asked. "Where's the rest of the army?"

"You've never met these Queens, have you?" Oreius asked.

I shook my head. "Well, not these particular ones. We've met some like them though."

"Well, they're very," Oreius paused, as if he was searching for a way not to compliment them. "Charming," he said at last, "Unnaturally so. Most Narnians are besotted with them after one glance."

"Then why aren't you?"

"It's hard to be besotted," a Dwarf said, "With people who treat you like a baby."

"Or call you goat boy," cried a Satyr. "And won't talk to you without bleating."

"Or try to use something called a curling iron on your tail," said a faun. His own was bandaged and quite a few of the hairs 'round his horns looked singed as well.

"They don't like you, then?" Moon asked

Oreius shook his head, "They only like humans or cute animals. They cemented up the badgers burrows because they thought they were 'Weird.'"

"Except for Snuffle," the Dwarf pointed out. Several people sighed sadly, and a few moaned things like "Woe! Poor Snuffle."

"What happened to Snuffle?" I asked

"He spoke out," the dwarf replied. "Said these Queens were destroying Narnia. So they painted him pink and keep him in a cage in the throne room."

I could see Moon fingering the Morningstar she was carrying and breathing rather heavily, "We'll sort it." I said in an undertone. "Just try and keep calm."

"What can you hope to do?" the Dwarf asked, "No offence, but your only children."

"We may be young," I said, "But we have experience. Between the two of us, we've seen and destroyed every type of Sue in existence."

"Except for Villain Sues" Moon pointed out

"But they're rare," I replied, "Like a green unicorn."

She cocked an eyebrow and coughed,

"What?"

"Petraverd? Siberian Christmas?"

"Oh yeah," I mumbled, "Okay. Pink unicorns."

She coughed again.

"What now?"

"What just happened?" she asked miming hitting things

I sighed, "Fine. How about 'They're as rare as a Turquoise Phoenix'"

Moon nodded, "That'll do." She paused. "Or you could just stick to 'blue moon.'"

There was a cough from behind us, and turning we found Oreius and the Dwarf staring at us quizzically, "Are you quite finished?"

"Sorry," we mumbled

"Right," Oreius said, "I think it would be best if you stayed here for a day or two. We can come up with a proper strategy."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Moon beat me to it, "Thank you, Oreius. But I think it would be best if we did this alone."

Oreius nodded solemnly, "If you think that is for the best. I will give you as many supplies as I can, and … may I ask you to take a guide?"

Moon and I glanced at each other and shrugged. "Of course."

He turned to the Dwarf, "Blagmire. Would you be willing to show these two people to the Cair?"

The Dwarf nodded before turning to us, "Be ready by sundown," he barked before stumping off.

"He's a ray of sunshine, isn't he?" I mumbled.

Moon simply rolled her eyes.

Miles away, in the pink halls of Cair Paravel, Melissa and Jenna sat plotting. Or their version of plotting which involved sitting on their thrones with what they imagined was a thoughtful look on their face (it was actually more of a pout). Real plotting was beyond them of course since it required actual thought – which, as everybody knows, no Sue is capable of accomplishing.

"So what shall we liek do!!!" Jenna said after about five seconds, "I mean, liek, even the pink sparklies didn't wrk – our own unis!"

Melissa waved a perfectly manicured hand imperiously. "Dont worry. I talked to teh authoress liek earlier and she told me what we had to do."

"wat?"

"Well we haev 2 go outsid 1st."

Jenna recoiled, "But their are liek living things out theyre. Icky, ewwy, groooooss things."

Melissa patted her hand, "I know I know. And it'll totally ruin our outfits." She surveyed her own (surprisingly) pink ensemble with satisfaction and a twinge of regret. "But the plans really kewl."

Jenna sighed, "What is it then?"

Melissa leaned in close and whispered to her friend. When she had finished Jenna recoiled and broke into a cackle of laughter, "Thats liek yay!" she crowed, "sweet."

Over the next few days, Moon, Blagmire and I travelled mostly at night and slept during the day. We discovered however, that even at night Narnia was not free of the Suefluence. The owls hooted popular pop tunes and the stars and the moon shone pink.

"Guess you could've used blue moon. I cannot wait to get this sorted," Moon said bitterly as we made camp.

"Oh, I don't know," I said flopping down onto grass, "There are some advantages."

"Such as?"

"The ground is nice and soft. At least I won't come out of this with back trouble."

"Hmmph," Moon replied collapsing onto her own bed roll, "I prefer hard ground for sleeping, but at least you're happy. I say, the sooner we get this put right, the better."

"Right as always," I said before I went to sleep.

A little while later, I was woken by the sound of weeping. Rubbing my eyes I looked up and a little way stood a girl. But it was a girl made of wood, "A Dryad," I whispered. Shaking Moon awake, I pointed "Look," I said quietly.

"A Dryad," she whispered excitedly. "But what's the matter with her? Maybe it's just a dewfall."

"I'm fairly certain those are dryad tears," I replied. "I suspect dew comes down pink in this place. Let's find out." Creeping over I crouched down in front of her, "Excuse me," I said, "Can we help."

She looked up, "Are you here to rid us of those horrible queens?"

Moon nodded. We are. Is that what's the matter?"

The Dryad pointed behind her, "People came to my grove. They want to cut it down to build something called a sauna."

Moon leapt to her feet and grabbed her Morningstar, "You coming sometime today, Stew?" she called running the way the dryad had pointed.

Grabbing my sword, I bolted after her. But after a few feet I was forced to stop when she stopped suddenly and I once again ran into her. "What's up?" I asked. Silently she pointed in front of her, "Oh," I muttered

There were the two Kings with their swords drawn. Next to them were two preppy looking blondes and surrounding this group were a gaggle of angry looking animals, all wearing varying degrees of silly expressions on their decidedly cute and pinkified faces. "Oh," I said again.

"Hello," one of the blondes said sweetly. Her voice was like an out-of-tune violin wielded by a six year old with an over-anxious bow. "How nice of you to drop by."

"Youve been very bad," the other said. She could not have spoken less sweetly by using her false nails to scrape out morse code on a chalkboard. "Trying to get rid of us. But we have you now."

"But the Dryad," I said confused.

"Witch-hazel did very well didn't she," the first blonde said as the Dryad slipped forward , "I think we'll make her an actress when we start our TV station"

"A trap then?" Moon asked. I was still stuck on the line about the TV station. I reckoned it wouldn't look much like Masterpiece Theatre.

The second blonde laughed, "Oh you're a smart one. I don't like you." I fancied Moon was about to say "that makes two of us," but the 'Sue flicked her hand at us. There were sparkles and the over sugared scent of mint, and then the world turned black

When I came round, I was sitting in a stone walled room, "Where am I?" I muttered

"The dungeon of Cair Paravel," Moon replied from my left.

"Since when does Cair Paravel have a dungeon?"

"Since a week last Tuesday," Moon said gesturing to the cell door where a very pleased looking Jackdaw sat, "The jailor is quite chatty."

"So you're awake," a voice cooed as the two blondes swept into the room, "Good. Wouldn't want you to miss all the fun."

"Fun?" Moon asked icily. She could have kept the Witch's castle frozen in a summer thaw with that tone.

"Oh yes," the first blonde said as two fierce looking Dryads made us stand up, "The authoress wants to meet you."

The second blonde waved her hand and a swirling black and white portal opened up. "A pan dimensional vortex," I said, "Spiffy."

"Spaceman," Moon muttered. Apparently getting kidnapped by 'Sues and locked in a dungeon that smelled of rancid cotton candy made her irritable. Huh.

"Whatever," the second blonde said, gesturing to the Dryads.

A few seconds later Moon and I found ourselves hurtling head first through the vortex on the way to a meeting with the authoress—whoever she may be.

So there you go kids. Moon and I are in real trouble now, aren't we? Tune in for the next instalment to find out what happens. Oh and because we wish to promote education, the lesson to be learnt from the chapter is never trust a Dryad till you know what tree they come from. Remember that. There'll be a test later.

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