Chapter Three - Lost in my thoughts

I was lost… floating in the endless darkness that surrounded me. I could hear something going on around me, yet I couldn't see or move anything.

"Have you spoken to Charlie? What did you tell him?" I heard Esme's soft motherly voice and I instantly found a new calm.

"Yes, he believes that Bella came over to the house early because she wasn't feeling well all night and that she passed out shortly after arriving so I brought her here." Carlisle responded and I found myself wondering where exactly here was. The darkness started taking over again and the words became no more than a passing whisper as I fell further away from them.

I felt the pressure on my head releasing as I started to hear the voices again, they were distant but I was starting to get closer to them.

"Bella, I love you. You promised remember. Please don't leave me" there was so much pain in this quiet whisper, so much hurt that I couldn't help but try to cling to it. "Pleas…se" a broken whisper and I was gone again.

It felt like I was swimming, but against the tide. It felt like the time I had cliff dived into the storm only this time my Jacob couldn't save me. I wonder could he ever save anyone again. I was numb, empty and part of me didn't want to be found if I would then have to live through his death.

Alice's pixie musical voice pulled me from my retrieve next. "Any improvement?"

"Nothing. She hasn't even moved or flinched. Just perfectly still." Edwards musical tone was missing, his voice was empty, bland.

"Carlisle said she's stable though, that's a plus" I could hear the small grin in her voice as she tried to make the best out of any situation.

"Does she even look like Bella anymore?" he snapped. "Medically she's stable but then why isn't she moving or waking up?" I heard him sigh as I imagined the apologetic look he would have just thrown to Alice to make up for his outburst. "Do you see anything?" he begged. A moment passed and I heard him cuss under his breath. I had only heard him speak like that when I was in real danger just like the time he had saved me from the van or the time we sped away from the baseball field the day we met James. I really must be in danger. How bad was I?

"I'm sorry Edward but her path is too undecided." Alice's calm voice must have been a façade because the fear and doubt that surrounded her words now was too strong to be fresh.

"How is Jacob?" I found myself clinging to his words and for the first time since this had all happened I found my impatient side taking a front row.

"Better. Still a long way to recovery. Carlisle said the vamp made a major mess of him but he will survive. Him and Rose were already arguing this morning, so I take that as a good sign that he's feeling better." Jacob was doing better, so I had been right. He was alive. "He was lucky Bells saw what she did, real lucky Emmett, Rose and Jasper went looking for him." I heard Edward sigh. "Any new theories on how she did she it?"

"No, well… maybe. You remember how she always seemed to know things, like work it out faster than even we did." I guessed Alice nodded as Edward broke off for a second before continuing. "And she use to have so many nightmares but then not really remember them… what if she had been having visions all along and that's how she managed to figure things out because somewhere inside her head the answers were already there." sounded plausible I had to agree.

"Like her brain couldn't process them so it hid them from her consciousness?"

"Exactly, but the last one was too important for her not to remember and her brain failed under the pressure. It could be why she was unable to stop me from entering her mind." I had to give it to him, his theory made sense. I remembered the snapping feeling I kept feeling right before Edward was able to hear my thoughts, could that have been the lock on my brain breaking. I concentrated, trying to feel the elastic pull again but nothing. The more I concentrated the deeper away from their voices I went, it didn't take long before I was completely submerged in silence again.

Time had no meaning, every ticking second could have been hours here for all I knew. I drifted slowly always trying to find my way to the surface. Breathing came easily now, it didn't hurt anymore. I had felt exactly like the damaged the salted sea water had cause the day I drowned, but now there was nothing.

I couldn't help but be pulled to the surface yet again when I heard the familiar notation of my lullaby, but Edwards voice sounded dry, raw… it didn't sound pleasant, he sounded betrayed and damaged. All of a sudden he stopped. I heard him huff out a large gust of air and what sounded like paper flicking. His voice began but this time it was the heated words of Cathy to Heathcliff from my favorite chapter of my favorite book.

"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees - my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath - a source of little visible delight, but necessary." he quoted and I couldn't help but think of how fitting that was for how I felt about Jacob and Edward. He must have thought that too as he let out a short tight laugh followed by a long sigh.

"Anything?" another voice entered the room. It too sounded horse, pain tearing its way through every word but it was still familiar.

"Nothing… I thought if I read her some of her favorite passages… well it didn't work" the huff that followed was one I had witnessed many times. I didn't need to see him to know that he had his eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose tightly and trying to regain his calm façade if he couldn't manage to calm down all together.

"Yeah, she's always been a stubborn little thing, I guess we just have to wait for her to decide to wake up…" the voice trailed off. It hit me like a ton of bricks, it was Charlie. "I got news today that Jacobs back in town but no one has seen him…" Charlie said trying to be conversational.

"Yeah, I know. Alice informed me the other day that he's become a house guest at mine, in fact he's actually taken over my room." Edward let out a short snort-like laugh and I heard Edward gasp.

"He's at yours? Why? I thought you two hated each other cause of Bells?" his confusion matched my own only I was more curious by the time statement. Had I been out for days? It didn't feel like it.

"No, I would never normally admit it and I'm sure he wouldn't either but Jacob is" he took a deep breath. "Well we sorted out our differences lets say and now we all class him family." I gasped and I wondered if that had made itself known. When no one said anything I assumed it hadn't. "He was hurt and ill when he returned and went to Carlisle for help, that's how he ended up there. I figure they gave him my room as I'm always here."

I could just imagine Charlie nodding, trying to take that all in. "Is he ok?" his tone held even more worry if that was possible.

"Been better but from the updates I've been getting, he will be fine in a few days… mainly just bed rest needed." both of them sounded so dull and empty, was that because of me? Was I hurting them both so badly?

My head started to spin and it felt like a thousand weights were being slammed into my body, dead silence filled the space around me and I could have sworn I was inside a gigantic bubble. I continued to fall deeper and deeper until I couldn't go any further without completely losing myself. Everything was silent, still, peaceful until I suddenly felt fire ripping through my body in three sharp jolts. The sucking at my skin stopped and I found myself being able to breathe again, to float upwards back to the heavenly being that I wanted to spend eternity with.

Different voices filled the room, some I recognized others sounded more distraught. I tried to match the tones with faces as they spoke noticing that the entire Cullen family is now where ever it is that I am.

"Edward, your time is running out…" Carlisle spoke softly but the stern edge was filled with pain.

"No, its not. She might still wake up!" Esme threw back at him. Her tone was angrier than Carlisle's yet it held the same level of fear.

"I wont change her, not now. Not in less I have no other choice" I was beginning to not want to hear Edwards voice, his depressed empty tone was more than I could stand. It coursed through me and took a bite out of everything possible. Pure pain.

"I've had enough of this… If you wont do it Edward than I will!" Emmett growled at him. "Enough about this soul crap. She's chosen and I wont stand around and let her die! She's my sister too now and I actually enjoy being around her!"

"It's nothing to do with her soul Emmett! Do you really think I am going to let her die! I just don't want to do what isn't necessary until it is!" he growled loudly at him and I could hear someone shh-ing them.

"Edwards right. Why condemn her till it's the only other option." Rosalie's voice sounded just as strained as everyone else's and I couldn't help but feel impressed. I really thought she still hated me. "I don't want to lose her either but now is not the time."

"Blondie over there is right! She might still wake up." Jacob! Jacob was here. He must be feeling better but then how long have I been out for? "Lets give her a chance to still have a normal life even if its not for very long" he sneered but everyone ignored it.

"Alice, anything?" Edward asked again. It seemed like every time I had heard him speak to Alice, it was always about her visions.

"No… its still too unclear to make out. It all depends on her and if she fights hard enough." she stated.

"Come on doc, there must be something you can do? You must know something by now?" Jacob's voice turned pleading.

"I've done tests and research, whatever is wrong with her isn't anything common, the only guess I have is that she is somehow trapped by her own ability. Locked behind it." There is nothing psychically wrong with me. It's all inside my head. I started concentrating again and just like every other time, I was pulled down deeper and deeper.

Fighting with my thoughts, I kept concentrating trying to break the barrier again wishing that Edward could help me. I seemed to be at it for eternity before I finally started feeling something shifting, pulling. I was suddenly catapulted to the surface but I still couldn't break the barrier in order to take back control.

"Please Bella, give me a sign." he sounded completely beat, not a trace of his glorious musical voice remained. I concentrated on his breathing, I didn't want to leave him like this, I couldn't.

I heard footsteps before another voice spoke. "Edward you should really go hunt" Carlisle's voice was just as empty and I realized that they were starting to give up.

"I'm not leaving her" his voice barely audible.

"It's been eight weeks Edward. You need to eat. I will watch over her." his voice was full of pleading. I had been out for two months… how?… I thought maybe a week or so but two months.

"I'm NOT leaving her" he was determined and it was evident in his words. Twenty eight raps of breath past before he spoke again. "Bella, I don't know what to do…what if I change you and you remain stuck like this for eternity… what if I don't and I lose you again for the second time this month. I don't think I could take it again." second time this month. Had I died here? Is that what the deep pulling was and electric fire that had pulled me back to the surface. I knew I had to find my way back to him and as long as he kept on talking I would keep trying.

I continued struggling concentrating on Edwards voice but on my own, I waited, fighting every second to relight the pain in my head so that I could break free of this awful prison. I thought about everything I needed to go home for but it made no difference no pain had come. I stayed with Edward listening to him breath, paying attention to the words he read from yet another book and finally when he started humming I imagined I was laying in his arms listening intently waiting to drift off to sleep.

"Edward, I'm here to take over… you need to eat!" Alice's voice was an order.

"I'm not hungry" he stated with no emotion.

"Edward you cant do that, you need to eat… full stop!" she exclaimed and I was hoping that Edward would listen to her but of course he didn't.

"I'm not leaving her and if I don't find a way to save her…" his voice broke off and he let out a loud sigh "What difference does it make anyway. I wont be staying around much longer." he spoke as if he was discussing the weather rather than his life.

"Edward!" she screeched. "You cant do that! You cant even think like that!"

"Alice, if Bella leaves this world then I have no use for it anymore. Nothing has changed since Italy… I wont live in a world where she wont be." he had completely run out of emotions and his words were empty of all feelings.

My anger ignited, hadn't we had this fight? Didn't I tell him he wasn't allowed to even think about it let alone plan on it! As I felt the red haze taking over, I felt the strong pain in my head again, the pulsating getting stronger and stronger. My need to shout at him only made the pain grow worse. I felt the expanding begin as I watched Edward completely defeated, lighting a fire, closing his eyes and stepping into it. It was too much for me to take. I felt my body convulse again, my neck arching backwards, my body being yanked away from the softness of the bed.

"BELLA" I heard Edward shout, panicking.

"EDWARD, HOLD HER DOWN!" Alice shouted as I felt four hands grip at me. My whole body was on fire and I could feel the expanding getting to its limit in my brain.

"Bella, Bella love, can you hear me? Bella, are you ok?" the fear was clear as if he had just admitted it, I felt another two hands grip me before hearing his relaxing voice.

"Come on Bella, wake up!" Carlisle spoke aloud, willing it to come true.

"Come on Bella, come back to me. Please Bella" Edward begged and I felt the same calm take over as I heard his voice finally coming back to life.

I felt the elastic band pull until it reached its breaking point. I felt the fire rushing through my body reawakening it from its long sleep, I could feel my fingers and I spun my hand and gripped onto the hand that Edward was using to hold my wrist down.

"BELLA" he yelled again and it was all I needed to make the final snap. My eyes flew open and immediately caught his onyx penetrating gaze. "Bella" he said again, this time his voice was filled with emotion. Joy. Love. Happiness. Peace. I could read every single one as if I was empathic.

My body flopped back down into a relaxed position on the bed and I knew that the worst was over. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and he couldn't take his eyes from mine. I just allowed myself to be dazzled in the eyes I hadn't seen for more than I ever wanted to experience life without him again.

"How do you feel Bella?" Carlisle was the first to speak.

I couldn't take my eyes off of Edward, so I answered without looking away. "A bit headachy but awake" I let out a low laugh and Edwards brilliant crooked smile touched his lips before appearing in full glory.

"Bells, you scared us. Don't do that again!" Alice scolded in a playful voice but I knew she meant it.

"Bella…" was all Edward was able to say… dropping his head to mine, he rested his forehead in mine, looking directly into my eyes. "Don't ever leave me again" he whispered.

I felt different, the whole time I had been dazzled by Edward I was wondering about the difference I was feeling. I closed my eyes and I felt Edward stiffen above me. "Bella" he said softly. I tried to concentrate to see if I could still control it and I instantly found it, it seemed too easy. I put a little pressure on it and pushed gently and it seemed to move as if it weighed nothing.

I love you. I thought and I was surprised when Edward jumped back smiling at me.

"I love you too" he responded.

"Err, Edward its customary that you add the 'too' when they have said it first" Alice said in a confused tone.

"She did say it first" his crooked smile turned into a full grin and both Alice and Carlisle gasped when they realized what he meant. "How are you doing that?" staring at me.

I decided to speak aloud as it still wasn't completely comfortable having my 'protection' down. "I don't know. I have no idea." I said shrugging. Only now noticing the pains and aches in my body. I let out a small squeal.

"Yes, I'm afraid you've been out for some time Bella. Your body will be very sore for a few days"

I cut him off. "has it been more than eight weeks now?" they all looked at me, curiosity painting on there features. "And you" I said glaring at Edward. "You should have eaten when they told you too" my glaring didn't last long, I was too happy to see Edward to care.

"How do you know about that?" Edward asked, a hint of a smirk playing on his lips.

"I could hear around me but I couldn't find my way back… by the way I liked your theories." I smiled up at him and he bent down and kiss me fiercely. His cold lips locked over mine, but it was just too painful to throw my arms around his neck, so instead I just returned the kiss and laughed when he pulled away.