THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS!!!

Chapter Five - Choices and Changes

Some where during my epiphany in the early hours of this morning, I must have drifted away into dream land. As usual Edward was there and as usual he dazzled the crap out of me. Would I ever get bored of looking at his face, into his eyes, his soul. His soul… the big problem. Why couldn't he just believe like Carlisle, even like me, that he hasn't lost his soul and neither will I… what is so terrible about believing in the good for a change. He is convinced my soul will be lost forever only to be replaced by a demon, a monster, something to hide from to keep locked away.

Why were all my dreams like this recently? I found myself asking in an un-subconscious state.

There I was sitting on the white bark down on the La Push beach watching the tides come and go, as I often did during the dark era and every time, without fail, I see Jacob walking towards me. Just before he reaches me, I feel Edwards arms wrap around me from behind and I know that I made my choice.

Then I wake up. As there is no talking, I knew sleep talking was out of the picture, safe and sound from Edwards super hearing and mind. Yet, I know I should tell him, this is exactly the type of thing I need to tell him, the type of thing I promised to tell him but every time I go to, I have this overflowing sense of guilt that washes over me. Edward had to deal with me crying over losing Jacob, I don't think I could do it to him again no matter how messed up I am. The last time I had heard Jacob was the day in the hospital when he was arguing with them about changing me… he had kept clear and since I am under Cullen protection and watched twenty four hours a day, I am stuck away from him, away from his forgiveness. As much as I love Edward, as much as I know that I will be with him forever now, nothing or no one will change that for me… I miss my friend, I miss MY Jake…

I wondered down the long flowing staircase and lounged on the small love seat watching everyone go at there business. It still amazed me, one second they would be doing something completely normal, something a human would do like playing computer games, reading, shopping online and then out of no where they would get the urge to go hunt, to run to Canada, to work on defensive moves, things no human would think about doing on a normal day. I noticed Alice looking at me, measuring me with her eyes. Oh Great! I thought, She's shopping for me again… You couldn't say no to Alice, it wasn't a choice. If she wanted something or to do something it was got or done…full stop. Edward had noticed the way I interpreted Alice's glances and scrunched up his face into an apology to me. I gave him a quick smirk before turning my attention to Rose. Could she be any more goddess like? Her long flowing blonde hair hung around her shoulders in soft waves as she flipped carefree through a recent gossip magazine. I saw flickers of emotions cross her perfect features as she scanned the writing, taking all the words in clearly before I would have finished the title. I saw her head shake to herself, watching disappointment flash as she glared at the magazine before throwing it behind her on the table and sighing. She looked up into Edwards gaze and shook her shoulders, I hadn't noticed him watching her but it seemed as if he had felt sympathy for whatever she had thought about. After giving her a brief tiny smile he turned back to me. It was only then I realised he was watching me all along, taking in what I saw as I saw it. As he couldn't read my mind, I guess this was his best bet of understanding my thoughts. I got up heading towards where he sat on the piano bench, walking at a slow speed even for a human and folded myself onto his lap, around his frame. He hugged me tightly, humming my lullaby softly in my ear as we rocked back and forth. I couldn't keep my eyes open, I wanted to fully concentrate on the feel of his arms around me, the touch of his skin on mine, the sound of his voice and the deep scent that attacked my system with longing every time I was near him.

A soft buzzing came closer and close to me, my eyes snapping open when I realised it was a phone on vibrate. In front of me stood Alice, my small black phone buzzing as it danced around the palm of her hand. "Thanks" I said as I took the phone and smiled at her. Edward loosened his hold and began playing what seemed like mindlessly with the end of my hair.

"Hello" I answered my phone, caller ID said unknown and I didn't much like surprises, of course I wouldn't admit to Edward or any of the Cullen's that I still got scared every time I thought of anything to do with the vampire who had taken it upon himself to make me part of his games. Edward heard the strain in my voice and bent around to look at my face, studying my expression and almost asking with his eyes what was wrong. I shook my head and waited for a response.

"Bella, Bella is that you?" a panicked voice shouted and I jumped up. That was exactly the words and tone I had heard from my mum when James had called me setting his trap. Before I had even time to register the fact I was standing both Edward and Jasper were standing in front of me.

"What is going on?" Carlisle asked at vampire speed.

"Bella's freaking out" Jasper replied just as fast. I had only barely got the gist enough to work out what was being said and I knew I had to answer my mums voice.

Edward grabbed me by my shoulders and looked me dead in the eyes, obviously terrified as he took in Jasper's assessment of my mood. The startled expression held my gaze and I hardly noticed Esme walk over and take the phone out of my hand. Edward stayed still as I didn't move. By know everyone was up and crowding around me.

"This is Esme, who is this?" She asked calmly. She turned back to me "Its your mother Bella" she said softly. I already knew it was my mother, it was more about her words and her tone. "Are you okay Renee? You sound a little bit distressed" I watched her as her expression dropped and I knew it was as bad as I had thought. There was silence as she listened intently to my mothers muffled string of words.

Out of nowhere, Edward threw his arms around me, pulling my face into his chest as he hugged me tightly. He had read something in Esme's mind to cause this reaction and as much as he was trying to comfort me it was only making me more scared.

"Of course Renee." Esme finally responded. "I'll sort that out right away" she closed the phone and walked towards me, concern clearly being her number one emotion.

"How bad is it?" I asked barely audible.

"Your step dad has been in a car accident Bella" I heard a mumble of gasps but I couldn't turn to see who made the noises. "He's hurt, they aren't sure how bad yet, he's in surgery." I nodded barely taking any of this in. "Your mum was in the car as well" I felt my eyes grow large as I took in her last words, Edwards grip tightened, it was exactly what I needed. I felt like my knees were going to buckle beneath me. "We need to book her flight tickets." she spoke to Edward and I felt him stiffen. She spun then and I saw mum mode take over.

Alice's head snapped from mine to hers. "Want me to go pack for her?" she asked still ever as quirky. Esme nodded and in a blink Alice's small pixie figure was gone.

"Carlisle, call Charlie explain what has happened and that Bella is going to phoenix on the next flight out. Emmett call the airline, see what time the next flight is and get her on it."

"Book me one as well" Edward ordered.

"But it's day Edward and phoenix is sunny." I managed to get out.

"I know but I've been there before and it was fine. Besides I am not letting you go alone. Not when…" he trailed off and I knew he was worried that the stress might send me back to lock down land.

"Two tickets coming up" Emmett said as he vanished.

"Rose, Bella's passport is at home I'm guessing" she tuned as she asked and I nodded a yes in response. "Will you go get it, she will be leaving from here."

I expected Rose to throw a tantrum over having to do something for me but instead she looked at me, sadness etched in her structure instead of the hateful look I had begun to ignore. "Where about is it Bells?"

I knew my face expression was one of shock and I hoped that they didn't realise it was at Rosalie's behaviour. "In my top draw at the back" I spoke a shaky mumble. She nodded and was gone like a flash as well.

"I'll go get Alice help me pack you a few bits Edward" Jasper said as he ran towards the stairs. I couldn't see Edwards face anymore, I couldn't concentrate enough to see if he had given Jasper any kind of a response.

Esme placed her hands on both sides of my face "Your mother is fine, you heard her talking just a little shaken and a few bruises, nothing that wont heal in a few days." She was trying to calm me and it made me wonder just how bad my expression was. "Phil, I'm sure will be fine, he might take longer to heal but he will be fine."

"You don't know that" I said in a small whisper without giving my lips the permission to move. "I'm sorry" I felt the need to apologise, Esme deserved more than that from me and I couldn't cope with anyone talking to her like that, let alone letting myself do it.

"Bella, it's fine. Your just upset, I don't know it but I feel it. Call it a mothers super-intuition." she stroked my face and I noticed Edwards strong arms wrap around me again as he pulled my back against his chest.

Leaning down he whispered in my ear "Breathe Bella" and I was suddenly aware that I hadn't taken a breath in awhile, it explained why I was beginning to feel dizzy.

Everyone seemed to return at once. Alice and Jasper with two bags of luggage. "We packed for all circumstances" Alice announced and I felt a stab at my heart when I realised what she meant. I wondered what little black smart outfit she had bought for me and for what at the time.

"Tickets are booked, flights in two hours, you need to leave now. I assured them you would be there a.s.a.p but they said if we take too long they cant hold the flight, so go now." he said in the calmest non-Emmett like voice I had ever heard. Every ounce of playfulness was gone, no even the smallest reminder of it.

"Passport" Rose said as she handed it to Edward and he tucked it in his back pocket, giving me a small smile "Bella, think positive, there is no point in worrying in less there is no hope and you still have hope." After the night she told me about what happened to her, I had hoped that there was some kind of friendship between us but things seemed to almost go back to how they were before the next day. Yet here she was, talking to me like I was someone she cared about. I nodded at her, a small thank you smile on my lips.

Edward swung me into his arms as he ran out the door, placing me gently into the back seat and strapping me in at lightning speed before I could fight him on it. Jasper followed and placed our luggage in the boot.

"Alice anything?" Edward said as he tuned and looked at her concentrating.

"Nope, it's not clear enough yet." she spoke as Edward flashed to the other side of the car and jumped in next to me. Esme got into the passenger seat and Carlisle took he driving position.

Before I knew it we were pulling into the airport. A journey that should have taken us nearly two hours took us only forty minutes. I followed as Edward and Esme sorted everything out, Carlisle watched me, waiting for the reaction I knew Edward was also hoping wouldn't make an appearance. Saying goodbye and boarding the plane was lost to me, no matter how hard I tried to find some memory from it, the blanker my mind felt.

I began running through what if's, as I sat on the plane feeling Edwards intense stare as he stroked small circles into the back of my hand. A few times he had tried to make conversation but I couldn't manage to make a long enough sentence to sustain one. My mind was lost on what if my mother had died today, something that could of easily happened. I hadn't seen her for months. Even then it had been a short weekend visit. What if Phil dies, how will she cope, she wouldn't. I knew the answer and I also knew what that meant of me. I couldn't abandon her, I couldn't leave her and there was no way she would move back to Forks. I looked up into Edwards eyes and knew that if that happens I would have to leave him. It would destroy me to leave him but I couldn't leave her when she needed me most and Phoenix being Phoenix, it was somewhere the Cullen's could not follow me to. The sun was too bright, too persistent, too reliable. I started to feel a little shaky inside, started to feel the ripping open of the empty hole in my chest I hadn't felt for months, not since he had returned. Here, I wouldn't even have my sun to look after me, I would lose everything and have nothing to hold on to. This would be worse. Not only would I lose my love, my old and new family, my friend, my best friend but I would need to keep it together to look after her, she would see through my lies quicker than Charlie.

"Bella please" I heard a soft whisper and I realised I was staring unseeing at him still.

"Please what?" I asked confused.

"Talk to me Bella, I cant take it, the pain that just crossed your face" he pulled me closer to him "Please just talk to me." he was still whispering and I was happy that it meant I could return my answer in a whisper. It was much easier to talk in whispers, easier to hide the shaking, even the tone.

"Edward" I began, I needed to explain to him before I got there just in case. I needed him to understand the circumstance that might be awaiting us even if I didn't want to think it let alone feel it. The anxious look on his face made me want to curl up and tell him everything was going to be fine, but I couldn't he deserved better of me. "If Phil doesn't make it"

"Don't be so negative. He will be fine." Edward cut me off and I knew he was worried about the consequences as well.

"You wanted me to talk, so listen." I watched pain run over his face as he heard his own conclusions in his head. "If Phil doesn't make it, I cant leave her" I choked out.

"I know. But I figure I can come and spend time with you, it would only be for a few weeks I could handle that indoors." he said reassuringly and I almost stopped my self from correcting him.

"Edward… when I said I cant leave her, what I meant was that I cant leave her" I spoke the last words careful, clearly emphasizing them.

"So longer than a few weeks?" he spoke confusion colouring his tone. I nodded a yes. "Longer than a few months?" he asked suspiciously. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.

"Edward, she wont move to Forks and she cant take care of herself. I could only leave because Phil is there." I watched him freeze before my eyes, turning into a perfect statue as he realised what I was implying. I waited silently as he just stared at me.

He blinked, slower than the average human "Well, I will just come with you" he spoke slowly.

"Edward how would you cope in Phoenix? Besides…" I stopped talking, I had just taking this thought into account and I felt like I was going to burst out crying. The words started to flow as I tore my eyes away from his and felt the water escape. "I… I… I would have to stay hu…" I left the end of the word off knowing he knew what I meant. "in order to protect her and be with her. Edward I wouldn't be able to join you" by now my sobs were large enough for an airhostess to come over.

"Are you ok madam?" she asked in a polite accent. I didn't even look up and I knew Edward was still staring at me, frozen. "Miss?" I had just torn his world apart, the least I could do was be strong enough to get her to leave.

"I'm sorry yes" I said between sobs. " There's been an accident, that's why we are going to Phoenix and I'm just a bit…" she cut me off.

"No need to explain, if you need something press the bell" she smiled a small smile that was full of compassion as she turned and headed back up the aisle towards her seat.

I turned my attention back to Edward, who was still frozen in the same position, his stare was empty yet somehow was filled with more hurt than I had ever seen before. His right hand had been leaning on the arm rest as he had been speaking to me and it still sat in the same position. I pushed my fingers between his and clasped at his hand as he moved it to lock with mine. I stared at our hands entwined and knew I couldn't give this up but I just couldn't seem to find another answer if the worst was waiting for us. I finally gathered enough courage to look at his face, afraid of what I might see. He looked fierce and decided as he stared right back at.

"Edward" I whispered.

"No." he said coldly. "Don't" he spoke even more blankly.

"I'm sorry" I whispered letting my head drop. I didn't get too far before his other hand was locked firmly on my face pulling me up towards him.

"I said don't." his tone was the same. "Don't say sorry, don't say maybe, don't say goodbye." he rambled. "Because you might leave Forks but there is nothing that would stop me from coming with you." That hadn't been what I was expecting and I knew I must be wearing a completely dumbfounded expression. "Nothing" he said again exaggerating the point.

"But…" I began but he cut me off.

"But nothing." he whispered "Bella I'm not losing you. If I have to stay inside during the day for the next forty years then I will, if I have to feed off of small rodents then I will, if I have to watch you age then I will Bella. I am not leaving you… I cant live without you. I wont." he stated and I couldn't help but feel an instant relief but it was quickly swamped with guilt. I couldn't ask him to do that for me.

"Edward you cant do that, it wont be good for you, its not fair to you." I began stating the obvious when he moved his hand from my cheek and placed it horizontally across my face.

"Bella I will not live in this world without you. You made me promise not to leave you again so now you have to deal with me keeping my promise. Even if you don't want me, I'm still not going anywhere because I will always want you. Besides, at least I get to watch you dream still" his voice that had been so rough and hard was suddenly low and playful. I knew he meant every word but I also knew he was just as afraid of that future as I thought he should be.

As the plane touched down and came to a stop I knew that the time it took to collect our bags, the ten minute drive to the hospital and the five minute walk to his ward was all the time I had left with Edward before Phil's condition might change everything I had just accepted.