Please read Chapter 18 again.
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Playlist: 1. Angel by Massive Attack. 2. Nerve by Soilwork. 3. Let Go by Red.
Weak.
Pathetically weak.
That's what I was.
Constantly crying in front of strangers?
Panic attacks during classes?
What the fuck happened to me?
Where was my strength?
I had been through so much worse than this. I found strength then. Surely I must now?
I looked away from his eyes that were strangely filled with worry. Or was it pity?
I can take care of myself. I do not need anyone to pick me up. I will never be the damsel in distress waiting for her saviour.
My salvation is mine and only mine.
I am on my own. I have to save myself.
I need to fucking understand that!
It was painful to stand, but I managed to shut off the majority of my emotions and feelings. Disconnect them.
In silence I observed Edward who stood himself.
Within a few moments, my Dysthymia struck me. The hollowness and emptiness I felt seemed comforting.
Picking up my bag, I wanted to run. From Edward, I wanted to run. From this place, I wanted to run. From this life, I wanted to run.
I wanted to get away from everything and everyone.
To stay in unconsciousness for eternity. Then there will be no more pain, no more fear. No more anything.
Just the end of a horrific life.
"Are you okay?" he asked. I simply nodded, my eyes still fixed on his. Wave after wave of depression hit me, I was so grateful.
To not feel anything was a miracle.
Spiraling down and down.
Faster and faster.
His expression clearly uncertain, so I told him I was fine, then I started to move (limp) to the door.
As expected, he blocked the exit, his eyes showed worry of some sort, but I was sure again it was pity.
"I hurt my ankle when I fell," Wow, my lying capabilities have really deteriorated.
I noticed the broken door, the hinges had been ripped off as someone had kicked the door in. The coach stood outside the changing room, his face flushed slightly as he asked of my well-being.
"She's fine," Edward answered for me. I looked at him questioningly, did he kick the door in? He caught my gaze and I nodded at him slightly, thanking him.
Sleep. Dreamless sleep. Such sweet heaven. Such paradise to this reality.
Take me please.
Take me to such a place full of happiness and peace!
"I think you should take her to the nurse," Clapp suggested, his stance unsure, his eyes filled with curiosity. The empty look on my face, I was sure, made him step back from me.
Not having the effort to protest, Edward took my arm and lead me to the nurse, my eyes watching his stride.
One. Two. Three. Four. Turn to the right. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Pause.
I looked up to see we were going through the door of the nurse's office. Edward explained to the nurse what had happened, although I wasn't really listening.
I was really thinking, my mind wandering to an empty place, a place of no feeling, a heavenly place. . .
"Miss Swan?" Making eye contact with the nurse, I detested her sympathetic expression. She gestured to her bed and told Edward to stay outside. I started to fall, half on purpose, thankfully I aimed straight for the nurse and she caught me before I landed on the floor. I held onto her as I thanked her; she guided me slowly to the bed still holding onto my weak form.
The nurse retreated for a bandage and glass of water, I quickly stood on my feet and rushed to the medicine cabinet. I unlocked the door with the keys I had swiped from the nurse.
Most of the medicine was prescribed to specific owners, presumably students and staff. I swallowed down a couple more Aspirin and I put the bottle back, exactly where I found it. My heart then soared for the first time in what seemed forever when I found an Epi-pen.
I gave up finding a vein in my arm and injected the adrenaline into my neck. Let's pray it gets into my bloodstream. Hold on. Where the hell will praying get me? What's the point of praying when no one is listening? We scream our pleads of mercy in silence. To deaf ears.
As soon as I sat back down on the bed, the door clicked open.
The wave of adrenaline made everything clearer, made me more aware, it was too much.
My hands started to shake again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before thanking the nurse for the water. Attempting to the hold the glass was pointless, so she slowly placed the glass to my lips.
She asked me how I was feeling, how often the panic attacks were, how long they lasted, what I felt during them.
"Fear," I told her.
"The fear around panic attack is usually the thought of having another one. You must remember that you will always get through them, always,"
I nodded slowly, no real energy to reply.
The nurse then asked me whether I wanted to go home or not, I refused. The money needed to be delivered.
Well, what happened next, I do not recall, but the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the bleachers watching the other runners. Disoriented, I found myself sitting next to Edward, who caught me staring and gave me a small smile.
Do I trust that smile?
Can I ever trust anything?
I felt something around my ankle and found a bandage wrapped around it.
Time was impossible, already gym was over.
Edward helped me to the changing room to grab my stuff, I kept my head down as low as I could, but still I could feel the stares.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
I began to hyperventilate as my hands shook. Each whisper I could hear, each colour so vivid, the lights too bright, the racing of my thoughts beyond comprehensible.
The KA-BAR seemed comforting in my hand as I kept in concealed in my hoodie pocket.
Taking my bag, I left the changing room, where Edward was waiting for me. We walked out together to the lot in silence. I hid my limp as best as I could as Kyle came into view.
My heart leaped, in fear? In hate? In love?
I excused myself from Edward and approached the devil.
The beautiful, sinful, tempting devil.
He stood exactly the same, looked exactly the same, had the same wicked smile.
"Are you bleeding?" he asked. I froze a few feet from him, how the hell did he know that?
"No," I lied, surprisingly it sounded true.
"Liar," he muttered under his breathe. I got out the money, pushed it into one of his hands and turned around, hoping for a retreat.
"You know you'll always be mine," He said as he grasped my arm, and twisted me back to face him. I looked down to the grey concrete. So dull it was. Just like the unmovable clouds. Maybe land and sky were losing its colour. Losing its life. Just like everything. Nothing can live forever. Everyone and everything will have their time to die. Kyle was right, I couldn't admit it to him though. That would break me into pieces right there and then. I was his from the second we met. I was his property, his love, his Bella. I could not deny it, he took my heart a long time ago.
I was at my first Soilwork concert, the turn out was amazing and it was completely sold out, full to capacity. I was here on my own, but that didn't matter, I felt united with the people around me, having the same music taste. I was near the front stage in all black, with an appropriate Soilwork t-shirt. There were few girls, but again it didn't matter. The testosterone seemed to make the concert even more exciting and make the energy levels go beyond anything I have ever felt. The heat reeled off me, wave after wave. Thankfully the heat only made the experience even better, normally the heat was uncomfortable for me.
I watched in amazement as the band members came onto the stage. The crowd screamed and shouted along with myself, grateful for their appearance. After the introduction, the song Nerve pumped out of the speakers. The roar of applause seemed quiet when compared with the sound of the music. This was my favourite song and my head automatically started banging along to the beat. Lights of all colour and brightness kept flashing, constantly the crowd changed colour. It was ecstasy to my eyes as well as my ears. I screamed along with the words even though I couldn't hear myself. The bass vibrated through me making my heart beat fast along with it.
This was heaven.
I joined the circle pit which gained more and more momentum. A good hundred of us were running full speed in a circle, shoving the slow people out our way.
"Walk straight with for a final solution, Walk straight don't you be so cold," I screamed out the words, getting rid of the pain buried deep inside me. That's it. Scream it out. Rid yourself of the pain. Even if you couldn't talk, even if you lose your voice. It's worth it.
"Walk straight a clear resolution-" I started falling towards the floor, though it seemed so unreal as my head was still spinning from the circle pit. I prepared myself for the worst. The wind was knocked out of me as my eyes locked shut. That wasn't too bad.
My eyes flicked open as I felt an arm around my waist. I turned my head to see that I was laying on top of a fellow fan, I couldn't help but blush. He had just-above-the-shoulder length black hair, memorising eyes and the most gorgeous face I had ever seen. So beautiful, I muttered under my breath as I tried to stand. His arm stayed glued to my waist like an unmovable comfort. I heard no music, I saw nothing else. Only him.
He steered me clear of the oncoming wave from the circle pit and lead me away from the speakers stationed at the front. I was mentally dazed, unable to speak, unable to think properly. Never in my life had I seen someone so beautiful. I must be dreaming. Maybe when I fell over, I hit my head and he was a creation from my mind. He seemed too perfect.
Where were we going? I realised how much I didn't care. A face like that can torture me, can stab me as many times as he wanted to, can set me on fire, can tie a noose to my neck and hang me like the worthless piece of meat I was. Death was inevitable, so why not have an angel take you there?
The harsh arctic wind struck me with such a force that my body shuddered so violently to create some form of heat. He had taken me outside, this beautiful angel. If I died right there and then, I could have forgotten the past so easily with this pure bliss attached to my waist. He turned me around, making me face him. Again I was struck by his perfection as his eyes locked on mine. His eyes were darker than midnight, how ironic I thought, it was midnight.
"Are you okay?" his musical voice asked me. I was stunned not only by his deep and smooth voice, but his words. I could not remember the last time anyone had asked me that and here he was, the perfect stranger asking me those words, which were filled with an unmistakable concern.
"I am now," I managed to say. His expression turned into amusement and a smile formed on his pale face that literally took my breath away.
I looked at his face, so many memories tried to swept me off my feet. His eyes were the raging river trying to drown me.
No. He would not control me. I would not let him drown me in his perfection. That had happened too many times before. But not now. Not ever again.
"Even when I'm a corpse?" he stepped forward, closing the gap. I turned my head away, refusing to acknowledge his presence a foot away from me.
"Forever," he slowly raised his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. The anger was making it difficult to concentrate on not making a full blown knife fight with him. What about my 103? That should take the motherfucker down. A couple rounds in the head? Or maybe the heart? Seeing as he stole mine, can't I do the same? Pluck it through his chest and make him watch his heart beat the final time...
Don't loose control. Keep it together. I am not going to risk the lives of the innocent students passing by us with curiosity. Some watched in awe, sensing the tension between us. With my face turned sideways, staring into nothing, keeping my rage at bay, he kissed my cheek with cold lips placing a hand on my waist. The bag of money was already in his pocket.
I did not move.
"You owe me your life," he said turning my head to face him. His fingers were cold like his lips. I was sure that my rage was making me overheat.
"As do you!" I shouted ripping his hand away from my face. "You owe me a life that you so happened to push down the fucking stairs!" I could feel my eyes literally stinging in rage. Our eye contact was rock solid and immovable.
"What happened to your eyes?" he asked me. He was too calm, here I was shouting at him and he gives back little reaction. He rarely raised his voice, his anger much more controlled than mine. I hated that so much! Why was he so calm when I had lost all control!?
"I think that the life of my dead unborn child is more important than my fucking eyes!" I shouted in a whisper. He removed his hands from my face and waist backing away slightly, clenching his fists.
"Leave, Kyle," I said closing my eyes. I clenched my fists as well trying to subside my rage. His stance was perfectly still, completely immovable.
"Is there a problem here?" I was horrified to hear Edward's voice from behind me. What the hell was he doing?
I looked at his face to see his eyes fixed on Kyle's. Suddenly, Edward took a step back for some strange reason, he himself looked dumbfounded. I turned to Kyle who had a wicked smile on his face.
He couldn't have done that, could he?
The fear inside of me, having Edward so close to Kyle, nearly made me scream. I grabbed Edward's arm and pulled him away, walking a good twenty feet from Kyle.
"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed, letting go of his arm.
"Did he hurt you?" his face was so full of worry, it hurt to look at him.
"What? No, of course not," Well at the moment, no. "Edward, this has nothing to do with you, just go," I left him standing there and limped my way back to Kyle.
"You've got what you want, now leave," I told him as calmly as I could. I felt a fresh stream of blood pour down my thigh, need to fix it now.
"Have I?" a devilish smile spread across his cheeks. I shook my head in disgust as I watched him put on his helmet and get on the bike.
The engine too loud for my sensitive ear drums.
"You better stop the bleeding," he murmured to me, pointing at my leg. How the fuck did he know that?!
"Oh and by the way, last night was really good fun to watch. Who knew you still had a thing for fire," he slapped down his vizor before accelerating out of the lot.
Still the same fucking bastard.
Bloody hell it's been ages! Hoped you like it.
Deception is going really well so far and I hope you do check it out. Honestly, it's a better story, has better characters, and is a hell of a lot more fun to write!
Can't wait to hear what you think.