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Chapter 13: Forever

The darkness was everywhere, I felt the strangest almost-tickling sensation all over my body but the final one was a whole different feeling. It felt like I had been stabbed through the heart with fire. I felt the burning spreading, engulfing everything it came into contact with. And then nothing but the kind of pain one only dreams about, even that didn't really cover this… time passed in drags and lurches, I knew I couldn't scream, that I shouldn't but as time passed it only worsened. Nothing I had ever felt could even compare slightly to this, when I had heard the horror stories I had never imagined. It wasn't possible to imagine this. No human could survive this, no heart could handle this and yet as the fire turned me to ashes somehow my heart continued to beat.

It was the kind of pain one immediately forgot about as it passed, the type your mind purposely sought to remove and hide but hiding this pain didn't help because it only seemed to get worse.

I searched the darkness, begged for some kind of meaning to this, any kind of meaning to this. But there was nothing.

I tried to remember why? Why would I have done this to myself? Nothing would be worth this pain? I knew I was forgetting something, knew there was a reason behind it all… a reason I did this but my mind didn't want to work. It didn't have the extra ability to look for the answer.

As the fire grew so did the screams. I begged for death to come, to take me. I begged for anything to stop this but no one answered my screams, death did not come to help.

Somewhere throughout the mist, somewhere in the darkness I started to think again, the pain hadn't lessened but somehow I was able to think around it. Thoughts filled my mind as I tried to remember the reasons, the things I wanted. Edward. I could see his face but I could not open my eyes. I remembered why I shouldn't scream, why I shouldn't beg but mostly I realized that it didn't matter because I was a prisoner inside my own mind. Attempt after attempt to move failed, I could not control my outer shell and so I found myself wishing that my screams were the same. I focused on Carlisle. If he could do it, I stood some chance to manage it. I thought of Edward and the pain each small moan would cause him. Of course thinking of Edward and moaning only brought other memories to mind and with that, my thoughts became clearer. Edward. I did this for him. To stay with him. Forever.

The heavy weights that held me down lifted almost instantaneously and I realized that I know needed to concentrate on keeping still and quiet. If Edward thought the morphine had worked, if he really believe it, he wouldn't be in pain, he wouldn't worry. Slowly the voices around me became clearer. I hadn't realized anyone else was near me. I couldn't hear them before.

"Do you smell that?' Carlisle's soothing tone filled my ears and I prayed that they kept talking.

"The morphine is completely gone." Edward spoke low, full of doubt almost waiting on the pain to engulf him. Oh no! I needed him to think that I was fine.

My game plan was simple. Get through this without screaming or begging for death, keeping still and then when I would awake I would pretend that I felt nothing.

"She's not moving, maybe the morphine has done what we hoped? Maybe she was numbed throughout the worst of it?" Carlisle was theorizing, I could hear it just by the way he phased his sentences.

"Maybe we did something wrong." Edwards low tone filled me with so much despair that I wanted to throw my self at him, to hold him, to sooth him. But for now I was doing all I could to make this easier for him.

"How is she?" A perky voice filled the room.

"How much longer? Can you see anything?" Edward pleaded with her. Moments of silence passed and then I heard Edwards rush of air, a sign of relief. Tell me. Tell me. Tell ME. I shouted in my head. We're they purposely trying to drive me insane. Why would they not tell me?!!?!?!

"She's going to be perfect" Alice's voice was almost one of awe.

"She already was perfect" Edward growled back.

"Yes, but look at her Edward. Not even Rosalie could beat her" What? Rosalie? Huh? How did I look?

I felt soft lips kiss my forehead then and for the first time I realized that Edward wouldn't feel the same to me either. He had always been rock solid and cold but now, so was I. He was going to be my temperature and I was going to be just as solid. My mind flickered through the possibilities of how different he would feel to me. Every touch. Every kiss … it was all going to be different.

My heart took off, faster than before and I felt the fire beginning to get hotter, if that was possible. As if it removed it self from everywhere else and just wanted to attack my heart. I felt my body arch off the bed, I tried to hold myself down but I had to use all my concentration on trying not to scream. I wouldn't scream now. Not after all of what I had been through. I wouldn't make this worse for him. I chanted over and over in my head, while searching for something to hold on to. I was on the ledge and slipping fast when it all just stopped. Extinguished. I hit the bed and heard the final beat of my rapidly slowly heart. Thump.

No one breathed. No one moved. Not a single heartbeat. Everything was in perfect silence.

"Bella?" Edwards voice rang sharp and clear. His musical tone wove through my mind more defined than ever before.

My eyes fluttered open and above me I could see everything. Every single dust particle that was playing in the soft air above me. Something touched my hand. Before I had time to tell myself that it was only Edward, my body had moved and arched, thrown towards the corner. My teeth bared as I took in the view in front of me. Edward was the closest. Jasper and Emmett flagging his sides. Behind them Carlisle stood in front of Esme, Rosalie and Alice. My mind immediately concluded that it was a defensive stand. The three best fighters up front. But who were they scared of?

Reality hit… Hard. Me? They were scared of me. Again, as if only with a slight thought my body straightened up.

"Bella? Its okay love. Its confusing. We know. But your safe. We wont hurt you." Edwards voice was clear and confident. He was trying to sooth me.

I took a deep breath. One by one their scents attacked my tongue. How strange. They all smelled the same and yet, completely different at the same time. I stared at Edward. His eyes focused now on mine as he took a step closer. Jasper grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back to his original defensive position.

"She's too unstable" Was I? I didn't feel unstable. I looked at them all. How could they possibly be scared of me. They were my family. Edward took a look at Jasper, reading his thoughts and knowing how I was feeling. So why did he look so confused.

"You don't know she's too unstable." Edward turned to me again and winked. How did he do that? How was it possible that he could still dazzle me with a single action. As he took a step towards me again, Jasper followed. "She's got this Jazz." He spoke softly, never taking his eyes from mine.

"You don't know that Edward." Jasper's fear confused me. He of all should know. He should sense it.

"What's going on?" Carlisle took the words right out of my mouth.

"Jasper cant sense her. Bella's completely blocked off it would seem… Hmmm" he spoke as he continued to walk towards me.

Edward was like nothing I could have imagined. Everything I thought I had seen in him before didn't compare to his perfection. He couldn't have been an angel because an angel couldn't compare to this. This was more. He was something more.

Close now. So close I could reach out and touch, I watched as he examined me, waiting for a response. But I was too stuck to move. Dazzled.

"Bella, love? Please say something?" he whispered softly as he raised one hand to stroke my face.

"I love you" Escaped my mouth. My voice was different, it sounded more like singing then me speaking. I watched the grin spread across his face as he took in what I had said.

"As I love you." Taking my face between both palms he rested his forehead against mine. "Are you okay?" he whispered barely audible.

"Better" I said as I threw my arms around him and kissed him with as much force as I could. As a human, this wouldn't have even made him move an inch. As a vampire however, we hit the floor was a loud thud. Fear filled me as I realized that being a new born meant I was stronger. What if I had hurt him? But Edward just laughed.

As sprang off of him and stood back against the wall. Realizing my strength it finally hit me why they were in a defensive position. I didn't have time to really think about it though because almost instantly Edward was standing with me, his arms encircling me.

"It's okay Bella. I'm okay. Don't worry." He spoke gently. I pulled back to look up into his eyes and I couldn't see any lies in his statement.

"I'm sorry" I whispered back to him.

"Shh nothing to apologize for love." Slowly as if pre-cautioning me with his eyes, he kissed my lips softly.

"She must be hungry" Jasper's voice was a statement and I noticed Edwards irritation at our interruption.

"He's right" turning to face the others, he held me tightly with one arm. "Shall we?"

I couldn't help but look at the others, all the questions I could feel emanating from Carlisle, all Esme's hopes for Edward and yet Alice's features some how scared me.

"Alice?" I asked softly. "Are you alright?"

"Don't attack me okay?" she said as she danced around the others and out of Jaspers grab. I nodded as she pounced on me. Hugging me so tightly, if I had been human she would have surely squashed me.

"She's very controlled" I heard Carlisle comment to the others.

"A little too controlled" Jasper watched me carefully as I watched him. Something that he saw confused him or was it upset him. I wasn't sure.

"Okay Alice, get off her so we can hunt" Edward laughed as he took in my worried expression. "I was under the impression you always wanted to come hunting with me" he raised his perfect eyebrow.

"I do… but we're all going right… just incase?" From everything I had heard, I was worried. Worried about my own temperament, my strength. I loved Edward and I knew I could never hurt him but all it would take was a spilt second for me to hurt someone else.

"Would you like us all to come dear?" Esme asked as she finally moved from behind Carlisle.

I nodded a yes and watched as one by one they understood why.

"Lets go then" he kissed my head before heading for the window.