Lauren isn't the rebound.

She is something that Ashley has never done – a sober and simple kind of girl, the woman who knows her way around relationships and doesn't ask for what isn't on offer – Lauren isn't the one to fall apart or to go into hysterics.

Lauren isn't the substitute.

She is not a stand-in for anyone, not just a body with a face, not just heat against sheets. Lauren isn't the woman who Ashley is only using to get over…

Spencer, wide-eyed and backing away and never saying a word as she runs from this room and into a crowd of people and out the door… into the night…

And maybe it is justice.

But then again, justice got served already, right?

It was a conversation in a café, after sex with too much meaning. It was when Ashley stood outside of Spencer's door and begged and got nothing in return.

It was in the very moment that Ashley didn't know how to answer such an easy question – outside of King High and with a prom ruined – and then standing back while watching the world implode.

Justice happened already.

The sentences got doled out and the time was served – seven years is a long time – and Ashley somehow made it to the other side of heartbreak.

And Lauren isn't just killing time.

She is funny and smart and has nice lips – the kind you'd like to spend hours kissing – and Lauren isn't asking for forever, just for right now.

And Ashley was ready for that, more than ever, she was ready to try out being 'normal' with someone.

Not to feed her ego, not to stave off loneliness, not to hurt others or herself – that's why she wants to stick around L.A. and that's why she wants to be around for when Kyla has children and that's why she buried all those feelings… those pointless and sentimental feelings…

But they rush up like the tide anyway and Ashley wonders just who she was kidding.

"Guess I… interrupted?"

"No. No, course not."

"Uh huh."

When they talked about the dates, Ashley always kept it minimal – not out of shyness, not truly – but because… her time with Spencer…

That's my time with her and we are friends and I just didn't want to spend it talking about another woman. Is that wrong?

"So, um, let's get another glass of wine."

"Ashley…"

"What?"

"I hope you aren't doing this for my sake."

"Doing what?"

"This little act, like I don't know what I just walked in on."

And when they would be talking, about anything or everything or all the stupid things… Ashley didn't want to think about another woman, not right then… she just wanted to think about Spencer…

I wanted to show her I could be present and I am not always running away and we can do this… despite all the past… despite all these… feelings… we can be friends and nothing more… right?

"It was nothing. Really."

"I call bullshit, but it's your life."

"…Exactly."

"C'mon then, let's have a drink. Your brother-in-law is practically passed out and I think your sister needs back up."

Lauren isn't Ashley's girlfriend.

Not really.

Open relationships sound so much like a throw-back to the seventies – disco and key parties and cocaine – but it is what Lauren does and it is all Ashley could manage, for now.

Like learning to crawl after years and years of flying, Ashley Davies is trying out new legs.

And she is bound to stumble.

It's all I ever do around Spencer Carlin, though. I stumble and hit the ground, over and over.

Kyla begs them to get Aiden up to the bedroom and then Kyla begs Ashley to stay the night – to clear the place of guests and mentions 'watching Jaws and drinking coffee until dawn' – and Lauren kisses Ashley's cheek and whispers a good-night.

But all she can feel is the sting of Spencer's brief kiss upon her mouth.

And just like that, Ashley is hyper-aware of that deep wanting that never went away.

And the only one who can sate it is the only one who isn't around this time.

** ** **

When Spencer finally returns her calls, after three long weeks, they meet at the beach.

And Ashley wonders if Spencer feels that bittersweet ache in her gut – the faint tug of an old memory – and then this recent kiss flashes in her mind… and Ashley knows Spencer feels it all in exactly the same way as Ashley does.

She watches blue eyes shift over the rise and fall of the sea, all the waves turned golden from the dying of the sun. She watches the wisps of blonde hair flutter out and around, getting caught on eyelashes or cheekbones – and Ashley resists the impulse to push the locks back and let her hand linger there.

"I'm sorry."

"…For what?"

"Ashley, don't do this to me. You know what for."

"You don't have to be."

And then those eyes are on her, sharp and wounded and accusing all at once. Ashley has written a million songs about those eyes and she wonders if Spencer knows that – if that hidden tidbit slipped out upon catching one of her tunes on the radio…

"Yes I do. I have to. I can't just walk into your life and… and mess it up. I won't."

"You aren't, okay?"

"I… kissed you…"

Just like that, they are back in that room – music muted in the background and time standing still and… Spencer tastes just like always and, yet, better than ever before and I wasn't looking for it… but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't longing for it… even after all this time and after all this pain…

Spencer's voice is soft against the sand and the breeze and the cry of seagulls.

It is fine and easily breakable and Ashley wants to handle the woman with care this time – all the time – and she leans forward quite without meaning to… she leans toward Spencer, like a bloom to the light.

"I kissed you back."

"That means nothing, Ashley. We… we have a past and you have Lauren. I won't be the one to fuck all this up."

"You wouldn't, Spencer, I promise you."

Those eyes look away and Ashley almost sags to the ground, connection broken and it leaves her weak.

And they sit in silence for so long, Spencer on the distant horizon and Ashley's focus on the woman by her side.

And Ashley wonders how long she'd be willing to wait it out for Spencer – seven years is a long time – but that answer has always been the same.

"Lauren and I… we aren't exclusive or anything…"

Ashley watches Spencer take a deep breath and watches those long fingers grip each other.

"Does she know that?"

"Yes."

Ashley leans back and digs her hands into the wet sand beneath her, grains and grains molding to her palms. And Spencer's head tilts downward, hair now a curtain and keeping the woman hidden.

"…What does this mean? What… do you want?"

"I… I'd like to… maybe you and I could just hang out, maybe see what happens…"

"We've only just returned to being friends…"

And isn't that how it started? Oh so long ago and in that galaxy so far away… isn't that how we came to be all twisted up in one another? Isn't that how we grew up with each other, as friends and then as lovers? Is this just you and I, a redo of all things once more…? Can it ever be a better version of what we've already done?

And do we dare try for better?

"We've never been just friends, Spencer… and you know it."

Ashley closes her eyes and cannot watch anymore, the truth sliding out and bouncing around the atmosphere.

And it is the ocean and the birds and the end of the day.

When she finally opens her eyes, Spencer isn't there and Ashley doesn't feel like going home, not yet.

She lies down and tries to find stars in the increasingly black sky… tries to find the answers that Spencer just couldn't give…

"Do we dare try, Spence?" Ashley asks aloud and her own inner-voice is the only response.

Fuck if I know.

** ** **

TBC