This Is So Not Me – Chapter 5
Written by Ms. Maggs
When the obnoxious beep of his alarm clock jolted him out of a sound sleep, Nick slammed the snooze button and immediately returned to spooning Greg. "It can't be six already," he grumbled, tightening his embrace. It seemed like only minutes ago that he was basking in the afterglow of phenomenal love-making and enjoying his favorite breakfast. "Ten more…"
"Shhhhhh." Not ready to face the world after only five hours of slumber, Greg clamped his eyes shut. "Your date starts at seven, but I'm not hooking up with Costco until eight so I can sleep in."
"I was kinda hopin' you'd join me in the shower." Nick placed a single smooch on his partner's bare shoulder. "C'mon." He dispensed a second kiss. "I promise to make it worth your while."
"No thanks, I'm good." Greg pulled the comforter over his face. "Oh!" Overcome by gaseous fumes, he quickly tossed off the blanket.
"Dutch oven!" Grinning proudly, Nick rolled onto his back. "That's what you get for feedin' me spicy refried beans."
"Your digestive tract is ahead of schedule, you weren't supposed to start exploding until you were on the couch with your date." Greg stared at his laughing lover through sleepy eyes. "If she knew you were a penny-pincher with raging OCD whose farts smell worse than a rotting corpse, she wouldn't have said yes."
"How do you put up with me?" Nick asked while tackling his partner.
"I'm used to smelling rotting corpses, I have my own cash, and I support your obsessive nature because it means you won't let me mow the lawn." The grass had to be cut in perfect diagonal rows. "Or load the dishwasher." Every dish, cup, and spoon had an assigned spot. "If it wasn't for your OCD, I'd have a hell of a lot more jobs around here."
"Hey," Nick winked, "I know a job you're really good at."
Feeling his bedmate's excitement growing, Greg snickered, "I do have this urge…"
"You should act on that urge."
"Yeah." Greg rolled their bodies until he was on top. "Mmm, I really can't think of anything I'd rather do more." After a frantic kiss, he rasped in his eager lover's ear, "The urge is so strong, it hurts."
Ripe with anticipation, Nick weaved his fingers through Greg's tousled hair. "Go for it, baby."
"If you insist!" Cracking up, Greg jumped out of bed.
"Where are you…"
"Bathroom!"
Nick crashed against the cushions. "Why?" He silently guessed it was for some fruity gel, edible glitter, or whatever the goofball found on special at Erotica Boutique this week.
"Gotta pee!" When he got to the bathroom doorway, Greg stopped and turned. "What uncontrollable urge did you think I was talking about?" The only answer he received was a pillow in the face. "It's not that I don't want to touch you, but if we're going to prove our unconditional fidelity, we need to be pent up when we're on our dates." Unable to wait a second longer, he hurried into the bathroom.
"You sportin' wood at Costco is a little different than me being with a horny woman!" The son of lawyers pleaded his case, "She could falsely attribute the rise in my Levis to her moves and think I'm interested."
"So could the cashier at Costco," Greg retorted when he strolled out the bathroom.
Before Nick could reply, his cell phone rang. "It's my mom," he announced. "I'll put her on speaker. Two minutes listening to her and you'll remember why I'm on the down low from my family." Before pressing the button, he said, "Hey, when I point to you, make some girly noise."
"So she thinks you have a girl in your bed?"
"Yeah."
"Isn't that a sin too?" Greg asked while returning to his comfy spot under the covers.
Nick pushed the send button and lovingly greeted his mother. "Hi, Mama. This is a nice surprise. You're callin' a day early." She called every Sunday and Wednesday before shift. "Is everything alright?"
"We're all alive and healthy, but things are definitely not alright."
Greg selfishly hoped she was going to say their visit would have to be canceled.
"What's goin' on, Mama?" the concerned son asked while placing the phone on the pillow between him and Greg.
"I just got finished havin' dinner at your brother's house and all hell is breakin' loose over there. Kayla, was missing from the table and when I inquired as to where my granddaughter was, my daughter-in-law lied to me and told me she was at choir practice, but little Karson, God bless his eight year old soul, blurted the truth and said that his sister had gone to see that demonic vampire movie."
Greg covered his mouth and feigned horror.
"Nicky, I couldn't believe your brother would let his precious little girl see such an evil film, but when I looked at Bill Junior's face it was clear that he was as stunned as me!"
"Wow." Nick pretended to be shocked by the thought of a teenager lying about seeing a movie they weren't supposed to see. "That's not right for a fourteen year old to lie to her parents."
"Parent," Jillian Stokes snapped. "Turns out your sister-in-law went against your brother's wishes and gave Kayla permission to go to the theater with her heathen friends. So not only did she corrupt the child by letting her see that vile filth, she taught her it was okay for a wife to deceive her husband and for a daughter to disobey her father! Then Karen had the audacity to defend her actions and say it was just a silly fantasy movie. See, that's just what Hollywood wants us to believe as they further corrupt our children with stories of blood-sucking demons, shirtless werewolves…as if their movies glorifying teenage sex and homosexuality weren't already ruining an entire generation."
Nick smiled at Greg, sincerely hoping his mother's hysterics were proving his point.
"It was truly awful, Nicky. After Karen openly defended her decision to disobey him, Bill Junior felt humiliated in front of your father, which of course caused his temper to flare. Karson started cryin' for gettin' his sister in trouble and causin' his parents to fight and at some point, the roast ended up in the trash, but I think it goes without sayin' that we had all lost our appetite by that point so it didn't really matter."
Hearing how tense his mother was, Nick saw a glimmer of hope, "Mama, if you think you need to postpone your trip out here…"
"Goodness no."
The guys exchanged disappointed looks.
"Nicky, I need the escape more than ever. Your sister Kimmie hinted that you might have a new young lady to introduce me to. Is that right, honey?"
"Yeah," he answered out of desperation. "But don't get all carried away, because we just started seein' each other and I don't know if she's…"
"You are eight months away from your 40th birthday, Nicolas, you can't afford to waste time datin' someone who isn't the one." The loving mother's voice softened, "I really hate to be a nag, sweetheart, but Lord knows, someone has to help you. Your sisters have done a terrible job coachin' you and your brother thinks the trauma in the coffin made you incapable of trustin' anyone. He's given up on you, but I haven't. You deserve happiness, Nicky. You'll find someone who can understand the drama you've been through and how your job impacts you. There's someone special out there for you, I know it in my heart."
Sliding his hand over partner's, Nick smiled. "I know it too."
In that moment, as Greg watched Nick's eyes well and listened to the agony in his voice, all was forgiven.
"Nicky, while it's true that there was a time when I would have been picky about the girl's family, schooling, and church, I've let go of all that. So if you've been hesitating for fear that I'll disapprove, please don't worry."
"Really." Kissing the back of his lover's hand, Nick quietly asked, "So you wouldn't get upset if I introduced you to someone a little…different?"
"Honey, with your 40th approachin', the only thing I care about is that she's a disease-free Christian girl without a criminal record or children and that she treats you right."
If Nick replaced the word 'girl' with 'boy', he could have fulfilled his mother's wish on the spot. "Thanks for clearin' that up, Mama."
Jillian laughed, "And as far as your father is concerned, he's so worried that people are gonna start thinkin' you're gay, God forbid, he wouldn't even care if you married a Democrat."
Nick forced himself to laugh along with his mother. "I hope to hell people don't think I'm queer just because I'm still single."
"Of course not, honey, that was just me makin' a bad joke."
Tired of watching his boyfriend suffer, Greg made a girly gasp in the background.
"Nicholas, are you wakin' up with a girl?!"
"Uh…" He feigned embarrassment. "I'll um, take the fifth on that, Mama."
"Okay, honey. You go do what you need to do." Jillian's voice was thick with approval. "I'll make sure to pass on the latest to you father," she laughed. "Love you."
"Love you too, Mama. Bye."
As soon as Nick disconnected the call, he was comforted with a tender kiss. "I love you, G."
"Come on." Accepting reality, Greg slid out of bed and headed for the closet. "Time to pick out what you're gonna wear on your date"
Standing in front of the full-length mirror on her bedroom closet door, April debated wearing her usual black lace or trying out the new animal print bra and panties Barbara had coerced her into buying during their lunchtime trip to Victoria's Secret. "This really isn't me," she lamented while holding up the leopard bra trimmed with hot pink ribbon. "And Nick seems like such a traditional guy."
"How do I look?" Nick queried after zipping his jeans and pulling on the cable knit khaki sweater his sister had given him for Christmas two years ago.
"Like the boring and normal hetero suburban jock you're pretending to be."
"Hey! Who's pretending to be a jock?" Nick jokingly scolded as he joined his partner at the double sink in their master bathroom. "And we do live in the 'burbs."
After watching Nick search the counter, Greg asked, "What are you looking for?"
"My toothbrush."
"I threw it at you."
"Right. It's in my jacket."
"Right where the lady-hoping-to-get-lucky wants it to be." Greg chuckled. "You can use mine."
"Eww," Nick cringed, "It has your germs on it."
"I love how you have no problem with my body parts in your mouth, but my toothbrush in your mouth is a nasty idea." Greg held up a scrawled note. "Anything you want to add to the list before I head out?"
"Pack of toothbrushes," Nick answered while taking out the last new one from the drawer. "And some of those protein bars I like, but not…"
"Peanut butter flavor." Greg nodded as he wrote.
"Did you take your pill?" After watching his ADHD challenged friend continually struggle to pass his field exams, Nick took on the job of reminding him to take his medication.
"I have two nights off, remember? I want to get some creative writing done, so I'm taking a med-break."
"If that's what you want to do." Nick returned the pill bottle to the medicine cabinet. "Maybe you should give me your credit card so you don't do any impulsive online shopping like last time."
"I love my animal print Snuggie!" Greg laughed, "I think my mom and my nana are going to love the ones I got them for Christmas."
"I'm not talkin' about the twenty dollar Snuggies." Nick reminded him, "I'm talkin' about the Ebay shopping frenzy that resulted in thousands of dollars in Vegas memorabilia."
"Oh that. Yeah, that was bad." Greg tucked the shopping list in his pocket and handed over his Visa card. "This is why my mommy loves you. You're more successful at keeping me medicated and under control than she ever was. I'll just keep my Costco card and stick to our list."
"I'll believe it when I don't see a new appliance or an obscure video collection." Nick swished a gulp of mouthwash and spit. "Okay, I'm ready to pretend I like peanut butter and boobs!"
"If you want to have fun with a boy after you're done playing house with the girl, come to the apartment. I'll write until you get there." Greg taste-tested his boyfriend's mouth. "Mmm, minty fresh." Cupping his lover's cheeks, he declared, "You can kiss her to keep her interested long enough to meet your parents, but that's the line in the sand."
"Understood."
When Nick embraced him like he was going off to war, Greg quipped, "Okay, okay, it's a Pad Thai with a chick, not D-Day. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot date with a warehouse store."
On her way to Costco, Mandy turned up the radio and tried to forget her problems. Unfortunately Beyonce's Single Ladies blared through her speakers and ruined her happy vibe. "Thanks for the reminder, you skinny bitch!" But after a minute, she decided to join in and sing the anthem of her jilted sisters. "Cause if you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it. If you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it."
While bopping to the catchy tune, she thought of Wendy and how perfectly content she was having a painstakingly slow affair with the lab's top geek. "Don't treat me to the things of the world, I'm not that kind of girl, your love is what I deserve." Maybe Beyonce and Wendy had a good point. Who needed a man with a hot car, killer abs, and a full bank account? What really matters is finding a nice guy who treats you right.
Pulling into the parking lot, Mandy cut loose and sang at the top of her lungs. "All the single ladies, all the singles ladies!" It wasn't until the song was over that she realized a man was staring into her passenger window and laughing. "OH!" Then she realized it wasn't a man, it was just Greg, the consummate goofball, and she had nothing to be embarrassed about. Laughing, she rolled down her window. "I can't believe you busted me singing Single Ladies in my car."
"Hey, the idea of single ladies on the prowl gets me going too." He wasn't kidding, all he had thought about while shopping was April and the smooth moves she was probably putting on Nick.
Stepping out of her car, Mandy chuckled, "And now you know I'm spending my night off like a loser - shopping at Costco." When she realized Greg had a cart full of stuff and was doing the same thing, she scrambled to remove her foot from her mouth. "Not that I'm saying you're a loser for shopping at Costco on your night off. I'm sure you have really cool plans after you go home with this stuff." She perused his purchases and felt even sorrier for him – Muscle Milk mix, Red Bull, protein bars, a slushie machine, and a Sherlock Holmes video collection. Clearly he was going to try to bulk up while numbing his loneliness with booze-filled icees and a movie marathon. The only thing that seemed out of place were the case of baby wipes and a box of beef jerky.
"The wipes are for my neighbor," Greg impulsively explained, fearing his co-worker would deduce they were for quick bedroom cleanups between messy gay lovers. "Yeah, my neighbor, she's got three little kids and her husband is stationed in Iraq, so I pick stuff up for her sometimes."
"That's so sweet." He really was a wonderfully kind-hearted geek.
"It's the least I can do since her husband is risking his life for sake of our country, right?"
Mandy's smile expanded. "And so patriotic. My dad was in the Air Force. He'd totally approve." Greg was definitely the kind of guy she could bring to her sister's house for Thanksgiving. "So, um…what are you doing after you bring this stuff home and drop off the wipes?"
"I'm working on a second book." He quickly pleaded, "But don't tell anyone."
"You mean don't tell Hodges."
Greg nodded "Exactly. He's still mocking me for my first non-bestseller."
"It was a great book!" Mandy lied. "I need to order another copy to give to my Uncle Mario for Christmas."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better." Greg laughed, "I bet you don't even have an Uncle Mario."
"Feeling sorry for her friend who was obviously still nursing his wounds from losing Sara to Grissom and then driving Riley out of town, she made a suggestion. "How about we go grab a few drinks before you start writing?"
"I'm fine, really, you don't have to"
"No, I really want to go out, because if I go shopping at Costco on my night off I'll just end up more depressed than I already am, and don't writers like to get their creative juices flowing with a little booze?"
"Uh…"
"Come on." She gave the reluctant recluse a playful shove. "You need to get a life, Sanders. Just put your stuff in your truck and I'll follow you to your place. We'll get a cab from there. It'll be fun!"
Checking his watch, Greg figured it would be a better way to pass the next three hours than sitting at home waiting for Nick to show up smelling like girl. "Well…okay."
"Great!" She helped him toss his purchases in the back of his truck. "There's this club I found a few months ago, locals only, you'll love it, and the first three rounds are on me."
"Refill?" April dreamily smiled at the handsome man standing in her kitchen.
Still reeling from the last dose of crappy Merlot he had forced himself to swallow, Nick held up his glass. "Thanks."
On her way to retrieve the bottle, April stealthily opened the next button on her tight red sweater. "Dinner will be ready in two minutes."
"It smells terrific." Truthfully, the peanut butter fumes were making him nauseous. "You really seem to know your way around the kitchen."
"Yes, I do." The husband-hunter grinned as she filled their glasses. "Is your mother a good cook?"
"Fantastic." Nick smiled, "She can't wait to get out here next week and make me dinner. She'll also spend an afternoon cookin' and fill my freezer with meals. She loves doin' it and I think it's sweet that she still wants to spoil me." He chuckled, "Truth be told, she'd rather be spoilin' her grandkids, but since I don't have any kids, she babies me instead."
"Do you want kids?" April broke into nervous laughter. "I hope that question doesn't make you think I'm one of those desperate thirty-somethings with a rapidly ticking biological clock."
"No, not at all." Nick flashed his most charming smile. "I'm the one who brought up the subject, so you probably think I'm one of those 39 year old guys from a traditional family who is under enormous pressure from his large, conservative family to settle down and start producin' grandkids." He laughed into his wine glass, "Now that I think about it, I am one of those guys."
Feeling giddy from the wine she drank before and after her date arrived, April giggled, "Would your family approve of you dating a headstrong Victims Services Specialist from a small family, who enjoys cooking and wants to have a couple of kids one day when the time is right?"
"Hell, yeah. You're exactly their type." Nick honestly answered in a bittersweet voice.
"Good to know," April whispered before grazing her moist lips over her date's. "Hungry?"
Nick tried to answer, but an invasive kiss snatched the words right out of his mouth.
To be continued in Chapter 6.
Sorry this one was so delayed, but with the holiday and one of the kids being sick, I had no time to write.
Thanks for reading and for leaving reviews of the last chapter!
Maggs