"Cassie was a mistake." I said after a deep breath. Gretchen's brow knit and then she tried to relax it.
"She was what you could call, a rebound. After they deemed her not a threat and released her back into the wild, I found her again and turned the charm on. The relationship was as destructive as you'd expect." Gretchen nodded.
"She's the one who could do the acid hands thing right?" I shook my head in affirmation. "Oh."
"Yeah. It was fraught with the kind of drama that comes par with a lesbian relationship, cept she was into some pretty bad shit and I ended up getting a little entangled in it. I suppose when things ended with her my dad thought I was through with my little experiment." I laughed, bitterly. "I was just getting started. There were no serious relationships after that, just sex. If there could have been drugs, that is, if I could get high in any way possible, that would have been involved too. But as it is, my body just soaks everything up and it doesn't matter what vain you inject into, it doesn't take." Gretchen frowned deeply, and leaned forward, taking my hand. I gripped it tightly and continued.
"I basically stopped taking care of myself. I left home for awhile, looking for something to fill the spot you used to take up, but there wasn't anybody or anything that could replace you. I gave up, and went back home, and I've been working for my father ever since. That's what I've been doing the last five years since graduation." I sighed, and looked up to see concerned brown eyes gazing into mine.
"I'm sorry." She whispered roughly, looking down so I couldn't see her tears.
"Oh no don't be Gretchen, don't be." I wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of my hand and leaned her head toward my lips, kissing her on the top of the head. We stayed like this for a few moments, me holding her as she wept from her misplaced guilt. She knew I didn't blame her for the separation, hell it was partially my idea, but she felt guilty for it all the same. Classic Gretchen, taking on all the blame and beating herself up over things that can't be controlled.
The day came to an end, and that night she clung to me in her sleep, something that seems difficult to accomplish when one person is 5'8 and the other is a meager 5'2, but turns out to be possible if someone is in that much need of reassurance. I enjoyed it actually. I wish I could have Gretchen there wrapped around me for just about the rest of my life.
That night the dreams were strange. Abstract images of my childhood and memories of Gretchen intermingled with some imagined scenarios that would never happen--such as marriage and children and a future my father was involved in. I woke up at three in the morning slightly off put. I hadn't dreamt or even let myself imagine a future like that with anybody. Not for a long long time. I shook the thoughts from my head and forced myself back to sleep with Gretchen's warm breaths on my shoulder to lull me.
"Good morning." Gretchen said softly as I awoke. She was dressed for work again, hair neatly brushed and styled, while in comparison my bed head must have been epic. I smiled at her and told her I was just going to spend the rest of the day in bed. She seemed to think it was alright and left just barely in time for work, choosing to waste precious minutes kissing me until there was just no more time left. When the door clicked closed, I lay back on the bed and pondered my future. What was I going to do when this little vacation was over and I had to go back to my life in California? Would my dad even consider letting me move to Austin while still under his employment? There was no hiding Gretchen from him, and I didn't want to anyhow. The days left to spend with her were too few, and I began to feel nauseous. I could at the most stay two weeks. I closed my eyes and tried to dream everything away, and just enjoy being in Gretchen's bed, with sheets that smell like her and the shampoo she's used since I knew her in college.