Chapter 7 : Dirty and Sober

Grossmann's Delicatessen, New York City. A few months later

I: Tony

"So, tell me, Steve, what was this special meeting about that I wasn't invited to? Was I being maligned and badmouthed, or just one out of two?"

"Actually, Tony, it had nothing to do with you. It was all about Eddie. You know. About him and Liv."

Tony put down his coffee cup.

"What the hell kind of superhero meeting is that? We're having important inter-team meetings about our personal lives, now? Jesus, remind me to be unavailable."

"That's what I thought. But it was Clark's idea. Him and Dick and Hollis Mason and Adrian Veidt. I was supposed to be there, and so was Jon, but we both thought it was invasive and excessive. And stupid. I mean, sure, in some ways, Eddie's a bad man, a real bad man, but Liv's a tough cookie. And I know Eddie, I've known him since he was a young pup just 18 years old. He's not trying to pull anything funny. I tried to tell Clark that. I said, look, Clark, Bruce laughed when you told him about your special meeting. Would he have laughed if he thought his stepdaughter was in danger? Not to mention that, like you say, what we do in our personal lives isn't the team's business, unless it's disruptive of our jobs."

"What exactly was our little Napalm supposed to be in danger of?" Tony asked.

Thinking about it, Captain America laughed.

"Clark was worried that Eddie was forcing himself on Liv. You know, like he was telling her, if you want me to keep working with you, then you better do what I say. And Clark was afraid Liv was going along with it, because she thought that Eddie giving her a hand was her last chance. You can laugh, Tony. It's alright."

"No, I can't laugh. I'm too shocked to laugh. I guess nobody told him about that whole rape at gunpoint thing."

Steve dropped his sandwich.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, it's true. I heard it from the horse's mouth. She said, and this is pretty much a direct quote: "I was getting real tired of Eddie playing yes I will, no I won't with me, and he had his reasons but I didn't give a fuck what they were, so we got into it a little, and I got him on the ground and put a gun to his head and I pretty much let the stupid bastard know that he was comin' or he was goin." Apparently, that clued Eddie to the fact that Liv really did care about him, and all's well that ends well." Tony explained.

Steve laughed so hard that tears ran out of his eyes.

"That Napalm, she's really something."

"I know."

After Steve left, Tony sat around, calmly drinking coffee, until the Comedian showed up.

In his civilian clothes.

"So, ya showed up, huh? Good."

"Before you start, I want you to know that the only reason I didn't break your face in San Diego was because I didn't want to endanger Pepper, or upset Liv. If you're going to start insulting me again, we'll just see how you feel about having your ass handed to you by a drunk and a cripple. In public. In front of Sophie Grossmann."

Eddie just laughed.

"That's the spirit, Stark. Hey, somebody had to tell youse to get your shit together. You don't listen to Steve, and your old man's dead. I ain't gonna insult youse."

"Alright, then. I presume we're going to talk about Liv."

"Yeah. We are. I guess you an' everybody else knows, she's my girl. Right?"

"Right."

"So if you're thinkin' about featherin' a nest with a red-haired broad, lemme remind you about your secretary. She's real cute, an' she's already the doll ya can't find your socks without. Otherwise, well, you're a big boy, now. I ain't gotta tell you that the only place that one broad for one guy and one guy for one broad shit leads to is Splitsville. I don't tell the kid what to do, and she don't tell me what to do. If I'm outta town, what do I got to say? But, if I think you're tryna muscle in, an' steal my girl, it ain't gonna go well for youse, and I don't care who says what. You get me?"

"Well, to be honest, I do have every intention of trying to get Liv to quit the JLA and join the Avengers, and quit working for Dr. Manhattan and come to work with me."

"Just like that, huh? You're gonna snap your fingers and bat your eyes and the kid's gonna come runnin'? Yeah. Sure." Eddie snorted.

"You're taking this awfully well. What's the catch?"

"The catch?"

The Comedian laughed and lit up a fresh cigar.

"Ask me that again after you've known Trivelino J. Napier for twenty-two years. Good luck, Shellhead. You're gonna fuckin' need it."

Tony Stark's Penthouse, New York City

On occasion, Tony recalled to mind a conversation he had with his former physics instructor, long-time friend, and sometime business associate, other times business rival, Bruce Wayne.

"Tony, you don't understand my stepdaughter. She has a real…street mentality. Because of what…happened… her saving your life and…"

Bruce was trying desperately to be diplomatic.

"Spit it out, Bruce."

"Well, in her mind, you're her, well there's no nice way to say it, jailhouse bitch."

Tony had laughed until he dropped the phone, then once he picked it up, wheezing and choking back tears, he asked Bruce to explain.

"And how's that?"

"Well, you two went to the joint, and you couldn't handle it, you were on your ass, so she saved your ass and made a new door and broke you out. Then, when you were on the lam, you hid her at your flop, but the dirty screws put you both back in stir, and you were in a bad way again. So she got you up on your feet, made sure nobody got to you. Then when it was aces with you, she went over the wall, after you helped her make a new door. And you, you were a stand-up guy, you didn't rat, you did your time and when you got out you talked to the boss, and got his OK that you and her could operate together. That tells her that your flop has an open door to her whenever she's looking for a little action, and when she comes around, you better be ready. Punk."

Tony had started laughing, again.

"Don't laugh. You know Liv. She speaks half in hippie-beatnik jive and the other half Sam Spade. I heard her on the phone with somebody, probably her friend Laurie. She was telling her all about this "high class piece" that she met up with "in the joint" and then added something about having "this cat on a string" and I hurried by before I could hear about for what."

"So what are you trying to tell me, Bruce? That Napalm is a female chauvinist pig who treats men like sex objects?"

"Well, that's her tough act. I don't doubt she genuinely likes you, and respects you as a mask and a scientist. But she's not going to let you have it your way, Tony, and she's not going to give your way just because you're Tony Stark and you said so. Trivelino J. "The J doesn't stand for anything" Napier only does things one way. Hers."

It wasn't as if Tony didn't know that Napalm was strong-willed and dirty minded, that she was a bad little pixie with the Devil in her.

It just never occurred to him, though, that she wasn't going to twist right around his little finger until she fired the first shot across the bow.

Tony was returning from a party one night to give a sexy blonde "photojournalist" from some chi-chi women's magazine an "exclusive interview"

Of course, Tony had every intention of getting her to speak into the mike, and then, as the Brits said, shagging her rotten.

Twice.

After which he would pull his disappearing act in the middle of the night, and while he was in the safety of his workshop, when Pepper came in the next day, she could process the girl out the door with a press kit and a smile and whatever voodoo that she did do so well.

Tanya, the photojournalist, who had taken several shots of him with the lens cap on, bless her heart, was the kind of girl that made it hard for a man to be a feminist.

Dizzy and blonde, with long hair and long legs, and Tony wasn't too sure if her tits were real, but she was packed into her peasant top and matching hot pants and go-go boots like two big scoops of ice cream in a small cone.

"Wow, Tony, like, you really live here? Far out!" She gushed.

The first fly in the ointment appeared when Tony unlocked his door and saw a red button flashing on the telephone in the foyer.

"Excuse me, Tanya, I have to make a phone call."

Tony called the Avengers Mansion.

"Mr. Stark? There's, well, an intruder or sorts in your penthouse." Jarvis reported.

He had a wry tone to his voice.

"Of sorts, Jarvis?"

"Yes. Miss Napier. I was monitoring the hallway camera, periodically, as I usually do, and she walked right up to the door and let herself in. I imagine that since she has the highest possible security credentials, your system accepted her key card."

"Yes. Either that or a certain bad little pixie stole the spare from me while I was sleeping and replaced it with a dummy."

"Well, that would be more likely, sir, but I didn't want to embarrass you. I didn't see Miss Napier leave, so I assume she's waiting for you. If you have a date for the evening, I'm afraid you've got a problem."

"Yes, I believe I do. Well, thank you, Jarvis. I'll take care of everything."

"I'm sure you will, sir. Good night, Mr. Stark."

"Good night, Jarvis."

Tony hung up the phone.

"Tanya, my dear, I'm afraid something's come up at the office."

"But its past midnight?"

"Well, it's not midnight in Japan, and when you run a multi-national corporation, it's a 24-hour world. Now, I have your phone number, and I'll go back downstairs with you and get you a cab, and I'll call you after I get this problem resolved."

She looked disappointed.

"Can I put this in my article?" she asked, hopefully.

"Certainly."

After seeing Tanya and her hot pants and matching go-go boots off, Tony retuned to his apartment.

"You know, Napalm, the very least you could have done was to be waiting for me in bed. I just sent home five feet and seven inches of starstruck blonde in hot pants and matching go-go boots, and for what? To discover you camped out on my couch in a nice, greasy pair of dirty Levis and a JLA exercise tee shirt with a hole in it that I can see your threadbare GI Joe wife beater through. And her legs were shaved all the way up, not just to the middle of her thigh." Tony complained.

"You know, it's a funny thing, Tony. You keep flappin' your jaws at me, but you're just makin' a funny noise."

"Did it ever occur to you that you should treat me with respect?"

She laughed.

"This is respect. I coulda put a gun to Toot-Toot-Tootsie's head and told her to blow, and ripped your pants off in the foyer. Maybe next time I will. But this is a business meeting. And you're late."

So, this was the way it was going to be?

Fine.

"Listen, sister, you didn't have to say 'punk' at the end of that speech, we both know it was there. If you're looking for a punk, you came to the wrong house. You have a place of your own, although I wouldn't know, I've never seen it. I've never even seen your flop over the bar in Brooklyn. Why don't you go there to watch the late movie, eat potato chips and drink your own booze? Which drink is that?"

"This is my booze. I figured you wouldn't have any beer around. And I'm workin' on drink number four of the day, Mr. Sobriety Police."

"Just what are you doing here, Napalm? If you're trying to prove something, I'll change the locks."

"I'll get in anyway."

"So will I. You can try and slice this pie any way you want to, dollface, but since you've got the pie and I've got the knife, you're going to have to get used to the fact that I always get a piece."

That was really good, Tony.

Thank you, brain.

Liv got up off the couch, and came around it, to face him.

She didn't look too happy.

"Look, man, I hear you've been spreading it around town that just because you and me are tight, and we did some time together, that I'm your little girl. I ain't nobody's little girl, Jack."

"What are you talking about?"

"About you crowing to our fellow masks about how I'm gonna come work for you and ditch Jon, and how I'm gonna ditch my own stepfather and the JLA and join the Avengers. What the fuck is that shit about? You think you fuckin' own me, now? Because, the way I remember it, your ass would be dead if it wasn't for me, motherfucker!"

She was mad, she was very mad, she was mad enough to do him and the apartment some damage.

"Hold on, Liv. It's not like that. Not at all…"

"Yes it is, Tony! I'm not fuckin' stupid! You get that in your head, man! I am not some dumb Twinkie like that sad bitch you were gonna get to suck your dick so you could come in her dye job! No matter how you pitch it to me, you wanna own me. You think I'm like some new toy. You played with me, now you want me to be yours. All yours. Well, I don't mind bein' your friend, an' I don't mind ballin' you, here an' there, an' I wouldn't mind workin' on a few projects with you, or backin' you or your team up if you needed it. But you don't own me, you can't own me, and you won't own me! You get me?"

"I get you, Liv."

"Good. Now seein' as you don't know me so well, I'm givin' you another chance. But, if you start talkin' me up again like I'm some brainless bimbo you can buy with a coupla fucks and a smile an' a line of bullshit, not only will I never speak to you again, I'll kick your ass from this fuckin' penthouse down to the basement and back again!"

Tony didn't know what to say.

Brain?

Honesty is the best policy.

Okay. I'll try it.

"I'm sorry, Napalm. But, you see, as many, many women have pointed out to me, I may be rich, and smart, and handsome, but I am also a big time asshole, and a real dick. This whole feminism thing, it hasn't come naturally to me, but it's been a lot easier to pay it lip service when the women you're with are like Tonya. The only woman I think I ever really treated as an equal is Potts. And we are not physically involved. But, since I became a feminist, and started seeing women who probably are my equals, I've had trouble adjusting to treating them that way. That's how I blew it with my most recent serious girlfriend. But I don't want to blow our friendship, or any work me might do, together. Yes, I would like you to work with Stark Industries, and join the Avengers. But I can see how it would undermine you, as a mask and a scientist, if I go around crowing that it's a fiat accompli. So, I will stop talking you up to our fellow masks like you're a Twinkie, if you'll quit talking me up like I'm your little jailhouse bitch, and treating me like it, too."

Napalm blushed a little.

"Yeah, I guess I did run my mouth on youse before my brain, a little. An' if you did to me what I did to youse, tonight, I woulda socked youse. I agree."

"Me too. Well, now that's over, and so is my night."

Tony loosened his tie, took it off, took off his jacket, and unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt.

Then he sat down in front of the TV.

"I wish you would have burst in here after I got laid. That Tonya got my poor balls as blue as that little outfit she was wearing, and now they'll stay that way."

Liv sat down beside him.

"Yeah, well, Eddie's off on one of his missions of mayhem for Tricky Dick, and I just can't get it up to go out there and look for some asshole to give me a half-hearted screw. I mean, getting it from Eddie an' Logan, the Comedian an' Wolverine, who'm I gonna get to follow that act, right?"

"Napalm, if it's all the same to you, there's only so far this equality thing goes, and I don't want to sit here with a woman and commiserate about not getting laid."

"Who's commiserating? I was advertising."

For a moment, Tony looked at her like she had ten heads.

"You came over here in your greasy jeans and that holey tee shirt and your GI Joe underwear to lie in wait for me so you could read me the riot act and maybe break up my apartment and stick a chunk of glass in my neck if I gave you bullshit, and now you're making a pass at me?" he asked.

"You gotta point. Hang on a second." she said.

She stood up, pulled off her tee shirt and her undershirt, and stood up and started unzipping her jeans, and wiggled out of them and her boxers.

Wiggled, mind you.

"Is this better?"

Tony, she…

Shut up, brain.

Just shut up.

Tony had plenty of shirts; he tore off the one he was wearing in a spray of buttons, and made short work of the rest of his clothes.

Naked, he hauled her into his lap.

"Ooooo, you bad little fairy, I am going to pound your hot little ginger pussy into every surface in this apartment." He told her.

"Don't talk. Shoot." Napalm replied.

II: Pepper

Arriving in the morning and finding Tony's clothes all over the living room was nothing new to Pepper; what was new was that someone had gathered them up, folded them, and put them on the couch, right down to each button he'd ripped off his shirt, and that same someone was in the kitchen, banging pots and pans around, cooking breakfast.

It was Liv Napier, and she did wear men's military underwear, but she also made a good cup of coffee.

"Hey, Tony! The food's on the table, not on the bedroom floor! Rise an' shine!"

"I'll go get him." Pepper volunteered, but Tony came shuffling out of his bedroom, tying his bathrobe, half-asleep.

"Pepper, who's cooking?" he asked.

"Liv."

"Napalm, you cook?"

She put a plate in front of both of them.

Bacon, eggs, toast and home fries.

"Sure I cook. I clean, too. I even do windows."

She wolfed her food, got her clothes off the floor and put them on.

"I gotta go to work. Sorry about the dishes. An' if you wanna see what my place looks like, Tony, you can come over tonight and find out. Can't be late. Jon will send out the Marines. Bye!"

Tony helped himself to seconds from the pan.

"She's such a nice girl." He said.

"Compared to the airheads, sluts, gold-diggers, starfuckers, and high-class groupies you run with? She certainly is." Pepper agreed.

"What? Napalm gets the Potts Seal of Approval?"

"Yes. She's dangerous. And she's crazy. But she's also an intelligent, independent career- minded woman. A good example for you. Not to mention she seems to like you, genuinely, for some reason. Why, Liv even seems to care what happens to you. It's very strange."

"Why? Because I'm such a cocky, conceited, annoying asshole, and I'm really kind of a selfish dick?"

"Well, yes. But only in the nicest possible way."

"You sure know your way around a complement, Pepper."

"Thank you, Mr. Stark. Now, I have arranged your interview with Barbara Walters, it will be next week. On Thursday. Today, you've got the Avengers briefing at noon, and at two, the board meeting."

"Which board? We just had our board meeting at Stark Industries."

"Not that board meeting. The one for the charitable foundation."

"Oh. The tax dodge. Didn't I dismantle that? You know I prefer to administer charity, personally."

"That's what the meeting is about."

"How can we have a meeting when half of the board is on trial for embezzlement?"

"They're all out on bail. Should I put dinner at Wayne Manor on your schedule?"

"Do you think I should?"

"Well, if you're going to make a regular practise of screwing your old friend's stepdaughter, under his roof, when her homicidal honey is out of town, the least you can do is show up at dinner and make nice so Mr. Wayne knows your intentions are honourable."

"My intentions are honourable. I have the utmost respect for Napalm's skills as a mask, and her beautiful mind."

"You just want her to come and work for you, instead of Bruce."

"May the best man win."

"Mr. Stark, you are incorrigible."

"Yes. I know. I'll be in my workshop. So much to do, so little time. Call Bruce for me. And tell the board I have typhus."

"You had typhus last time."

"Alright, make it tuberculosis. No, that's too final. Anthrax. No, even better. I'll send my bodyguard. I'll have Iron Man tell them I refuse to associate with known felons. Maybe he can talk them into revealing what they did with all the money. What do you suppose Jon's got her working on?"

"Government contracts?"

"Bullshit! Really, Pepper, I'm surprised at you! They probably spend ten minutes every day doing that government grunt work. I have to know. And she won't tell me. Nothing loosens her lips. Trust me, I know. All she says in tender moments is, harder, you son of a bitch. I'll have to make them some kind of offer."

"One they can't refuse?"

"Exactly, Potts. Exactly."

"She calls you a son of a bitch?"

"Yes. And a dirty bastard. Honestly, Potts, I kind of like it. Last night, I had this beautiful girl here. Blonde. Tall. Hot pants. Worshipped the ground I walked in. I found out Napalm was here, and I threw her out. There's something about that girl, Pepper. And I can't put my finger on it. Well, actually-"

"Please, Tony. I don't want to know anymore."

"There must be a way, Potts. There has to be a way I can get her to do what I want her to do when and how I want her to do it."

"Good luck, Mr. Stark. You'll need it."

"That's what the Comedian told me. He also suggested that you and I should get married. How about it? Will you marry me, Pepper?"

"Only if I can call you a son of a bitch and a dirty bastard in bed."

"But you'll mean it!"

"I certainly will, Mr. Stark."