7 - Wondering thoughts
Haruka was laying across her bed, staring at the ceiling. She could hear the shower from across the hallway, and guessed Makoto was going out with her Mutant again
And she was trying to decided if she wanted to go out tonight, or just stay home and catch a movie or something.
And maybe stop thinking and analyzing herself. It sure sounded like a good enough plan to her...
But her mind had the annoying ability of run off on her. So, of course, she was doing the one thing she didn't want to do. She was thinking!
And there was also the fact that her friend slash roommate had bring up the subject that very same afternoon, yet again. And the blonde didn't want to talk about her sex life. Not when her head was such a mess that she couldn't even began to put some order in there.
Despite Makoto's belief, she did have a sex life. Just not the kind that the brunette was used to.
But some of the brunette's suspicions were true. Something did happen the night of Jadeite's opening, five months ago. She remembered she was laughing with her friends, drinking some beer, and enjoying the free tequila shots her brother kept trowing at them.
Oh yeah, she had been drunk that night. But not drunk enough to be completely reckless.
She didn't know why, or how, but for some weird reason, her automatic pilot had always work perfectly. No matter how drunk she would get, and she didn't really get that drunk that often, she would always know how to get herself safely home. It was like some kind of instinct; if she was that drunk, she would get herself home, alone.
Every time. No matter what.
But most of the times she just got enough drinks to get herself in a happy, freed attitude.
One that somehow also managed to turn her into some kind of walking pheromone. It was weird, and she had only acknowledge that a little over three years ago or so. For the first eighteen years of her life, she had have absolutely no knowledge of her ability to draw the male population to herself, and getting their attention by her dancing.
Probably because she never really danced before. She had been more of the sporty kind of girl.
And, of course, there was also the tiny little detail that she hadn't really care about the male population at that time. Because, at that time, back in high school, she had been the perfect incarnation of a very confused teenage girl.
Mainly, because she had seriously thought she was gay. Because, up until that summer, right before college started, Haruka had found herself attracted to girls.
She hadn't lied to her brunette friend when she had said she was scared of having sex with her boyfriend, that first year in college. But it hadn't been the entire truth either. Yes, she was a virgin back then. And yes, she had been nervous. But she had also been afraid of doing it, only to realized she didn't like it.
She had many male friends, most of them were her brother's friends as well, and she had always felt like she was one of the guys. But by the time she turned sixteen, she finally realized that it wasn't quite normal for a teenage girl to be the way she was.
She wasn't crazy about all those boys bands other girls her age were screaming about. She couldn't care less about dresses, and make up, and manicures. And she would choose her training pants any day instead of those ridiculous skirts and ribbons other girls wore. And, even to this very day, Haruka truly, deeply hated skirts and ribbons.
By the time she turned seventeen, she had forced herself to date. And it wasn't that she didn't like them, but she analyzed them way too much, always ending up on the conclusion that they were boys. And she didn't want a boy, she wanted a man. She was sure of that.
But then she showed up...
A new girl in her class, with red hair and blue eyes. And Haruka had lost her breath by just looking at her.
The blonde was shocked at first. For some weird reason, her hormones were, to put it simply, asleep. She was never really attracted to guys, but she didn't really cared about girls either. Until she saw her. And that had confused her.
How does one go from being completely asexual, to being gay? It didn't sounded right.
But it happened. Her hormones started racing inside of her with the blink of an eye. And she had felt incredibly attracted to the redhead girl. And she had spent her senior year in high school daydreaming about her. A girl who couldn't care less about the sporty, tomboy tall blonde.
But Haruka didn't care; she was just happy she could get to see her every morning, and she had finally figured out herself.
She, Haruka Tenoh, was gay. Period.
So of course, when she went to spent the summer at some island with her brother and some of his friends, she had been surprised out of her skin to find herself attracted to a guy. It had been so incredibly confusing! But she had not been able to control herself whenever he came near her. And he had started doing that quite often that one summer.
She had found herself changing. Little things. Like putting on some make up now and then. And wearing t-shirts that would let her figure show. Not that much, but enough to let others know that she was a girl, even though she was rather tall, thin and with really short hair, and that her breasts were, not only very real, but also rather generous.
That one summer she had stopped hiding her breasts with tight sport bras, and she had grown to actually like her own body.
And then, about a week before the end of the summer, he had finally kissed her.
And she had felt so different, so special, that she had soon found herself in his embrace, kissing each other rather passionately.
And then she had gone into panic mode. What was she doing? Wasn't she gay? But those kisses were addictive. And dangerous. But he had been incredibly patient with her. Probably because she was, after all, Jadeite's little sister. But still. He had been wonderful.
So that night, in college, when she had confess to her brunette friend that she was nervous, she had been telling the truth. But her nervousness was for a complete different reason that what she had let her friend known. She was unsure of herself.
But everything seem to be right with her new boyfriend, and when it finally happened, she had actually like it. Quite a lot. And even though the relationship didn't really last long, mainly because they soon discovered they didn't really had anything in common but their mutual physical attraction, she still liked being with men.
So, she figured she wasn't gay after all.
And then she had started going out with her brunette friend, and she had come to like dancing on a crowded, dark place, with some alcohol running on her system and feeling completely free. That's when she discovered that, apparently, her way of dancing was appealing to guys. And she, being the typical college student wanting to have fun, had took advantage of it. Discovering a whole new world she didn't even considered before.
Her life was nothing like she had picture it when she was younger. But she wasn't complaining. She actually like her life.
She had dropped out of college, discovering that the things she wanted out of life were not granted by a college degree. She had always been an excellent musician; she had learned how to play the piano when she was seven years old. So now she spend her days teaching piano, and the weekends indulging herself on her speed passion. Meaning, she was also a car racer. She even had a sponsor, and she made some good money out of it, but she wasn't into it for the money or the fame, so she really didn't want go on a more national, popular level. She just liked the adrenaline.
Around the time she dropped out of college, her mother had announced she wanted to go live by their beach house. Her father had died when she was fourteen years old, and after Haruka went to college, her mother decided she no longer wanted to live in the city.
So she had moved from the dorms she was going to leave anyway, and back into the house she grew up in. It was a big house, with two bedrooms, and even a study room –that used to be Jadeite's bedroom- but now worked as a music room, where she teach some of her students that didn't have a piano yet.
Makoto had moved in with her in no time. And considering that the only thing the blonde could successfully make in a kitchen was a mess, she was happy of having the tall brunette girl as a roommate.
Her brother lived with them for a while –not paying rent was quite convenient-, but then he had moved out to his own flat. So it was just the two girls, and the occasional parade of coming and going guys on the weekends.
Haruka smiled again at that.
There had been quite a couple of guys trying to get her for longer than a couple of nights a week. But no one really got her attention for that long.
She would always be extremely picky with her conquests, and then got tired of them all too soon.
She didn't like pretty boys. She liked real men. And there were not that many of those out there. So, she just fooled around and had some fun.
Until that night, four months ago. Because, that night, she did went out to someone's apartment to have a one night stand. Just like Makoto thought she did. Only, it hadn't been a guy.
And that confused her all over again. She had been somewhat drunk that night. That much was true. But she had been completely aware of the situation.
She remembered she was talking to a friend, and then she saw her. They started talking and laughing, and then the girl had said she was heading home. And then it was as if a part of her had woken up, and she found herself offering a ride. And then the girl had offered her some coffee.
Which, of course, they never had, and ended up naked on the bed instead.
Again, Haruka had been completely confused. And incredibly unsure. Not really knowing what to do, but at the same time, letting her instincts guide her. She had always been a fast learner, and she had actually managed to make the girl look quite satisfied, so she figured she did good.
And by the time she headed back home, she had learned a trick or two.
And then she had spent the rest of the day laying on her bed, trying to make some sense into her current situation. And she had been doing that for the last five months.
She was still attracted to guys. But she also liked girls. She had have some secret affairs with a couple of girls, to try and find if she was truly into girls at all.
And yes, she was.
And if she was completely honest with herself, she actually like it better. It felt better, but never quite right. Not really. Yes, she liked having sex with girls. And yes, it was quite satisfactory. But there was something missing.
Just like there was something missing with the men she's been with. She couldn't quite name what it was, but she knew it wasn't there. Sure, the sex was pretty good in any case. And sex was always sex, right? But still. Being with a girl was so different... Of course there was also the fact that, for some reason or another, she had always ended up with stupid guys... It was as if she was a walking magnet to all the emotionally dysfunctional men out there.
So did that make her gay? Was she a lesbian, playing for the other team every once in a while? Or was she a straight girl going through a phase?
She often wondered that. But then again, she had never met a girl that would make her stay for longer than a night. Two nights, top.
But, giving the circumstances, would she stay? She was willing to take the chance. Was she gay then? Had she been right when she was younger, and she had spent the last five years of her life lying to herself?
She wasn't sure.
And of course, then there was that girl. The first time she saw her, she felt like she was seventeen again, developing a huge, stupid, obsessive crush on a girl she barely knew.
A girl she wasn't even sure she would ever see again. So, in her mind, she tagged her as her new favorite fantasy. And she had spent more times than she would admit to daydreaming about that girl. In the most not quite innocent way.
She blushed at her own thoughts. Her mind definitively had a way of running off on her...
"I need to get out" she said to no one in particular, deciding that she really needed to stop thinking right now, and maybe have some fun. Just forget about everything for a couple of hours, and loose herself to the world for a little while.
Her messed up life would still be there in the morning.
So she walked up to her wardrobe, and, getting rid of her bra, she put on her favorite blue t-shirt with a Superman logo on it. It actually wasn't a real t-shirt anymore. Not since she had got inspired one day -or, more like bored-, and grabbed her scissors, cutting off the blue material. The thing now hanged from her right shoulder, the left side long gone, and it hugged her breast somewhat tightly. Two slits to each side made the rest of the t-shirt hang loosely and freely from there to her waist, occasionally showing her white skin when she moved.
But she liked the final result. It wasn't girly, but it was still somewhat sexy on its own way. It looked wild, and unconventional. It had Haruka written all over it.
Then she put on her favorite boot leg jeans, and her black converses. Some mascara on her long eyelashes, her favorite golden hoop earrings, a leather bracelet on her left wrist, and then she threw some money into her back pocket.
She walked out of her room, bumping into Makoto on her way out.
"I'm going out" she simply said "See you tomorrow" and with that, she grabbed her car keys, and off she went.
About the earrings, think of her Sailor Uranus earring. And the whole Superman logo, it's just a little inside joke. You know, the super strength and super speed and all...
About the 'automatic pilot mode' when she's drunk. It actually happens to me. I swear! Weird, but true!