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A/N: This story is rated M for "Maturity level has nothing to do with years in existence. Just saying." As usual, if you're not over 18, please don't read. Thanks!

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Chapter 14: Til The Misery Ends

Finally finding his sire had crushed what little hope Edward had harbored since he returned from Italy. She had never been anything but a monster and he had been no more than a fool. That had been made abundantly clear during their brief confrontation. Part of him had longed to trust her words, to believe her when she told him how she had wanted to be there when he woke up, how she had thought him dead all these years. How she had wanted to share eternity with him. But how could it be anything other than a lie? If she loved him, she wouldn't have left him, burning in agony, to awake frightened, disoriented and alone. If she had loved him, she would have trusted him enough to tell him what she was; she would have asked him to share this life with her rather than force it upon him. If she loved him, she wouldn't have taken a new lover. He never had.

It didn't take him long to reach the mansion on the city's north shore. He knew his family was about, knew they would want to know what he had found during his search that night, but Edward had no intention of stopping to talk to them. Instead he headed straight for his car, choosing the Vanquish again to get him where he needed to go. All he wanted was to flee quietly, with the vague intention of calling his father from the road. His plan was foiled, unsurprisingly, by Rosalie, who was already in the garage. The disgusted look on her face told Edward that she had just returned from one of the casinos in Indiana; tired, as always, of winning.

"Slow down there, Edward," she grabbed his arm, breaking his stride as he tried to streak past her. "Who lit a fire under your ass?"

Edward shook her off angrily. "Leave me the hell alone, Rosalie," he spat back before pointing an accusatory finger in her face. "Not one more word out of you. 'Maybe you still have a chance at happiness,'" he sneered as he quoted her words from just a few days ago. "'Don't you want some sort of closure?' Ha! Closure?" He savagely dragged his hand through his hair in order to prevent himself from shaking the living daylights out of his sister. "Do you know what kind of 'closure' I got, Rosalie? Can you guess?"

Rose's eyes were wide and wary. "I'd be willing to bet it wasn't what you were hoping for."

"And the lucky streak continues!" Edward whirled away, forcing the palms of his hands into his eye sockets as if he could somehow block out the vision of Bella entwined with her lover. "No, it wasn't what I was hoping for," he whispered bitterly.

So what now? You're going to run away, then? There was no accusation in her thoughts, just regret for somehow precipitating the pain her brother was in and sorrow for how their parents would ache for him during his absence. Will you come back?

"I don't know," he sighed wearily. "I just can't…I can't be here; not knowing she's here too." With him, he silently added. He looked up into Rose's eyes, struggling not to break down like a child, begging for her to understand.

Go…I'll explain to Carlisle and Esme. She stepped aside so he could get to his car. "Just…please call them so they know you're ok." Don't stay away long, Edward. Please. He saw her standing in the open door of the garage, watching him as he sped down the drive and out of sight.

Edward was more than halfway to Denali before he had consciously decided on a direction. It was a natural place for him to go; their covens relied upon on another in good times and bad, like family. He didn't bother to call first this time, just pulling up in front of the large, wooden structure, leaving his car in the drive. 2:14 the time winked cruelly at him from the dashboard before he killed the engine. He had made the trip in just less than a day, pushing the Vanquish to its limits along the way.

Tanya was out front waiting for him, curious but not surprised. Carlisle called, she thought, her face tight with worry. Rosalie thought you might come here.

"Lucky guess," Edward murmured wryly. Now that he was here though, Edward wasn't sure what he had hoped to find and he stood frozen, a few feet from his host.

"I'm glad you came, Edward," she replied shyly. Although I wish it were for happier reasons. Then before she could stop it, the words came unbidden to her mind. Won't you let me help you forget? Images of them, wrapped around each other in a passionate embrace filled her head and for once they didn't embarrass or repulse him.

Would it be so wrong, he asked himself. Bella gets to leave me behind like so much trash. She gets to take a new lover. Why can't I? Tentatively, he reached for Tanya, cupping her cheek and gently brushing it with the pad of his thumb. She sighed as she leaned her head into his hand, tingling with the pleasure his touch gave her.

"Can you do that?" he asked, his voice rough with newfound desire. "Can you help me forget?"

Tanya's caramel eyes filled with surprise and longing. "I want to." Her voice was hesitant at first but strengthened as she realized he wasn't going to immediately reject her. "Won't you let me try? Don't you know that I would do anything for you, Edward?" That last part silenced all of Edward's misgivings. How many times had he thought those exact words for his Isabella? How many years had he longed to touch his lips to hers? Would it be so wrong to give Tanya what she wanted? What they both wanted in this moment?

His lips crashed down on hers, hungry and searching and she met his embrace without a second thought. She wrapped her body around his, fisting her hands in his hair, lifting her hips to his, letting him know in every way possible how much she wanted this. And something that had been buried in Edward for nearly a century came alive: lust. Raw, feral lust.

His mind shut down and his body took over. Grabbing her ass, he lifted Tanya up, grinding the length of his hardening body into her, making her groan into his mouth. She locked her legs around his hips, stroking him with her body, generating the friction they both desperately craved.

Edward gasped when her mouth left his only to let out a low growl when he felt it descend to his jaw, worshipping the side of his face from behind his ear to his chin with long, slow kisses. She worked her way down his throat, grazing her teeth along his skin, making him shudder with need. When she got to the base of his throat and encountered the first button of his shirt, she leaned back to look him in the eye. With a small, wicked smile, Tanya ripped the shirt wide, letting the buttons go flying all over the front drive. She laved her newly unwrapped present with her lips and her tongue, tasting every bit of skin she had exposed.

Unable to remain passive, Edward spun them around, pushing Tanya up against the side of his car. Aggressively she pushed at his shoulders, turning him over, and they tumbled onto the hood of the Vanquish with Tanya on top smirking down at him.

"You have no idea how much I have wanted to have you on this car," she purred. When he quirked an eyebrow at her she just shrugged as if that answered everything, then leaned down to kiss him again. Edward decided that if anyone was going to be having someone in this scenario, it would be him having Tanya. He flipped her over again onto the center of the hood with a low growl. He looked into her face to determine if she would protest but her eyes merely widened with excitement.

He knelt above her, his hands gliding up her ribs, pushing her arms up over her head, bringing the soft, white sweater she had been wearing up with them. He stopped for a moment, holding her hands, encased in fluffy angora, high and looked down at her breasts, perfectly displayed before him. They were beautiful: creamy smooth and paler than porcelain, tipped with soft pink peaks that begged to be tasted. He lowered his mouth down to one, swirling his tongue around it before pulling it into his mouth. She tasted so good, just like her scent: candied cherries, honey and fresh mowed grass. She arched her back, pushing herself further into his mouth and he tugged his head back simultaneously to pull on her nipple. She squeaked in surprise; then, unable to free her hands from Edward's tight grasp, she ground her hips up against his, watching as the desire burned ever hotter in his eyes.

Edward held her fast with one hand, using the other to unbutton her jeans and push them down a bit. He looked up at her, snarling one word before making his way down her torso, "Stay." He licked his way down her abdomen, pushing the denim off her legs and letting it drop beside the car. Circling her sensitive belly button with his tongue he continued going lower, past the champagne-colored curls at the apex of her legs. He held her hips still as he dipped further down to taste her, groaning at the sweetness, concentrated as it was in her essence. He plunged his tongue inside her and when her pants became frantic, he traded it for his fingers; stroking the wet flesh inside her until she screamed out his name in ecstasy.

Edward stood up and pulled his pants off as she lay there, gloriously naked and splayed across the hood of his car in the glowing aftermath of her orgasm. He climbed back over her, his body now equally bare, hard and straining for hers. When he slid inside her, his eyes fell closed. Slowly at first and then more quickly as his need took over, he glided in and out of her body. As he got closer and closer to ecstasy, memories flooded over him. Isabella hovering over him. Isabella engulfing him. Her voice came to him then, changed by passion, whispering, "I'm so close, Edward… Baby, come with me."

"Yes, oh God, Isabella, yes…" he cried as he thrust into her one last time. He was immersed in bliss one moment, only to be thrown off hard the next, falling on the stones that made up Tanya's drive. It hadn't been Isabella's voice at all; he realized feeling like a complete ass. It had been Tanya's. He had ruined the moment that should have been so good for them both, turning it instead into another source of heartache.

"What did you call me?" Her face was a mask of horror and her voice was ragged with pain. She skittered off the Vanquish, dressing herself in the blink of an eye. Although she was no longer naked, an air of vulnerability still surrounded her. She had heard him with perfect clarity, as if he had shouted the words at her, and they continued to ring rancorously in her head. Oh God, Isabella, yes. He flinched, hearing his words echoed back to him in her thoughts and snagged his khakis from in front of the car, sliding into them swiftly.

Are you seriously just going to stand there? Tanya was transitioning quickly from shock and humiliation to sheer rage. Edward scratched at the back of his head, trying to think of something to say. Are you fucking kidding me?! Every second he stalled she got that much angrier.

"Tanya, I'm sorrier than I can possibly say…" he began.

You better get figure out how to say how sorry you are, Edward. And fast, she fumed.

"Right." He scrutinized the cobblestones under his feet. Taking a deep breath, he cleared out the remnants of lust from his brain and focused on just how used Tanya must feel at that moment.

"Tanya, my behavior has been inexcusable," he began again, looking her in the eye directly yet contritely. "Please believe me when I say I had absolutely no intention to hurt you this way, and the fact that I have saddens me immeasurably."

"Is that the best you've got, Edward?" The words dripped from her tongue like icicles. "You come to my home, you make me believe you want me, and the whole time I'm just a substitute for her? And you tell me that being found out for the jerk you are saddens you immeasurably? Really??" The sense of betrayal she felt was nearly palpable.

"Tanya, please." He started to walk towards her, one hand extended in supplication. "You have to believe that I never intended any of this to happen."

"Why should I believe a word you say, Edward? Would you really tell me if you came here to use me?" Even if it wasn't intentional, Edward, what did you think was going to happen here, she wondered silently.

"Tanya, please…" Edward had never been at such a loss for words. But then again his life had never been in such a shambles. Why had he fled to Denali if not to find solace in Tanya's arms?

"Why, Edward?" The sadness in her voice was more cutting to Edward than her ire had been. "Why can't I be enough for you?" Finally, the question that had swirled in her head for decades was given voice. She was right about what she had said before. Even if he hadn't consciously decided to hurt her, he was destined to cause her pain regardless. She had pined over him for years. He came to her for solace and she gave it, no questions asked. How did he repay her?

I offered you a pure heart, and you repaid me with pain and deceit! The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. He had behaved as monstrously with Tanya as Bella ever had with him. Unlike his former lover, though, he wouldn't compound that betrayal with more lies.

"Don't you see, Tanya?" Edward faced her with a bitter smile. "It's not that you're not enough for me. It's that I could never be enough for you. Even before I found Bella…" he trailed off not wanting to voice the vision in his head.

"I wish there was some way I could make you understand. I hate her so much right now," he winced as his mind bombarded him with the sound of her voice as she moaned to her lover, the image of them interlocked so perfectly on her bed.

"And yet, still…I can't be free of her. It's such a horrible, consuming thing. It eats away at me, my heart, every part of me and still wants more. Demands more, until there's nothing left to give. That's all I am now, Tanya, an empty shell. You want something that doesn't exist anymore and I'm sorrier that I can ever say because I lied to you. With every kiss I made you a promise that I would never have been able to keep. Because she'll always own every part of me; even my wasted heart."

"You still love her, don't you? Despite everything?" Tanya's arms had snaked around her torso, holding herself tightly as if she was afraid she would simply break apart. What happened?

"I don't know, Tanya," he sighed. "I didn't really want to hear what she had to say. She wasn't alone."

"And she didn't explain anything?" Why she kept pressing when the conversation was obviously painful to her, Edward couldn't understand. But if she wanted to know…he really wasn't in a position to deny her at this point, was he?

"She said she thought I was dead." He spoke the words in a monotone, trying not to feel the pain all over again. "She said she changed me because I was dying and she didn't want to face eternity without me. She said wanted to be there when I woke up, but for whatever reason she wasn't." He still couldn't find truth in her words. What on earth could have kept her from him if she truly had wanted to be by his side?

It's so sad…

"Please, Tanya, don't feel bad for me." He could face her hatred like a man, but Edward didn't think he could stomach Tanya's pity. Her eye's flashed to his incredulously.

"I don't feel sad for you," she bit out caustically. "I feel bad for her…Isabella."

What?!

Edward's eyes snapped up to Tanya in irritated disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" he shouted. "You actually feel sorry for her?" His rage at Bella's betrayal was now turned full force against his friend. "I found her fucking another guy, Tanya! Don't feel sorry for that bitch." Wow, now that you've disrespected her body you're going to lower yourself further by cursing in front of a lady, hunh? Edward's inner voice was merrily laughing at the levels of depravity Edward was sinking to in the midst of his misery.

"I absolutely will feel sorry for her, Edward," Tanya hissed back, walking forward to confront him face to face. "If she wanted you enough to change you, if she loved you enough to want you for eternity, only to have you ripped away from her when she was so close to having her dream come true…can't you see how painful that would have been?" They stared at each other incredulously, neither able to fathom the apparent lunacy of the other.

"Edward, how can you be so blind? Why would she change you if she didn't want you? Why would she have even bothered?" Tanya's thoughts swirled angrily in her mind. How can he not see it? Is he so wrapped up in himself that he can't even sympathize with her the tiniest bit? Her identification with Bella over him made Edward feel almost nauseous.

"And what did you say to her? Did you even give her a chance to explain?" She looked at him for a moment, reading the truth in his eyes. "No, I don't suppose you did. You made a decision based on what you saw, didn't you? Did you even think of how she must feel?"

O ye of little faith.

Edward shook his head trying to clear it. He would not feel bad for Bella. He would not let Tanya turn him into the villain of this tale. That was Bella's role, one she had played to perfection.

"Tanya, you don't know what you're talking about."

Neither do you apparently, she thought back in a flash but remained silent. You need to go back to Chicago, Edward. You're never going to find what you need here. She whirled away, speeding toward her house without a backward glance. Go home, Edward. You need to figure this out.

Figure it out, asshole. Those had been Rosalie's words and now Tanya felt the same way. Was he really so obtuse? Why was it that they each saw something in Bella's story that made her an object of sympathy? What were they seeing that he wasn't? Edward wasn't sure but he did know he wasn't going get any answers from Tanya after he had been so summarily dismissed.

He watched as Tanya disappeared into the house, then looked at his car and groaned: the hood of the Vanquish was scratched and dented. He supposed the fact that they hadn't completely destroyed it was a testament to the tensile strength of the car's body, but still; he now had a visible reminder of his idiocy. He grimaced, then got in and headed home.

Not being in the same, god-awful rush as when he had come, he returned in a day and a half, only missing one day of lectures. He phoned Carlisle on the way, who promised to tell anyone curious enough to ask that Edward was off visiting another researcher on his father's behalf. When he got in, he could hear the unvoiced concerns of his parents, but they kindly gave him space; welcoming him home but then retreating to their normal tasks, leaving him to come to them if he wanted their help. Rosalie was not so gracious.

"What the hell happened to the Vanquish?" She burst into his room as usual without knocking, knowing he would hear her thoughts and thinking the courtesy unnecessary. "Don't tell me you hit a deer either." Come on, Edward, fess up! Just what the hell happened in Denali?

If he could have blushed at his own stupidity he certainly would have. "Rose, it was nothing, really. I don't want to talk about it."

She snorted her disbelief. "It wasn't nothing that made all those scratches, Edward." She shot him a pointed glance as her guesses circled very near the mark. "And you never want to talk. That's your problem." Not satisfied by letting her theories go unvoiced she began to speculate aloud.

"Hmm…well your eyes aren't blood red, so I know you didn't run over some random human and feed on them." Her face scrunched up in sudden disbelief. "You didn't really hit a deer did you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Edward snapped back insulted. "Don't you think I would have been able to swerve around a deer?"

If you weren't such a prude, I'd say that it looked like Tanya finally got to have her way with you, on the hood of your car no less. She smirked a little, expecting Edward's standard disgusted response. When he stood there staring out his window into the fading night, her face slacked in shock. Oh. My. God.

"You finally did it, didn't you?" Her whisper was filled with accusation. "You went there and fucked her out of anger?" Her mind was reeling. "And what? Now you're back because you couldn't stand the guilt?" Edward waited, almost wishing his sister would be smart enough, lucky enough to guess the truth and save him from the shame of having to confess it. Unfortunately, he wasn't that lucky.

Come on, Edward… she mentally prodded him.

"Jesus, Rosalie! Could you please just let this go?" He knew his sister was like a dog with a bone when it came to him screwing up so there was no chance he would get her out of his room before she knew every detail of the pathetic truth. Still, he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud.

"No way," she responded smugly. "You fucked up big time! I can tell. Come on, tell little Rosie all about it. You know you'll feel better once you just spill the beans." She leaned against the doorway, clearly content to stay there for hours.

"Yes, I went to Denali and yes, Tanya tried to…comfort me." He couldn't help but wince at his choice of words.

I'll bet she did! Rosalie chuckled. She's been trying to 'comfort' you for decades. "So what went wrong? Why aren't you basking in the tender ministrations of your Alaskan cousin?"

"I said something to spoil the mood…" he hedged, still trying to find a way out of the conversation that didn't involve him looking like a rutting pig.

She sucked in a sharp breath. "You didn't! Edward, for the love of all that is holy, please tell me that you didn't call her 'Isabella,' while you were screwing her!"

Edward sighed and turned to her. "What would you like me to tell you then, Rosalie?" Her eyes widened in horror.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" She hissed walking further into the room to glare at him properly. "Have you lost your damned mind? And how on earth did Tanya stop herself from ripping you limb from limb? I certainly would have!" Rosalie's hands were now firmly planted on her hips. Edward hadn't thought his sister and Tanya were particularly close, but then again they were both women. Apparently women stood together as one in the face of the idiocy that was Man.

"I'm actually not sure, she was certainly angry enough," was his glum reply. "Although I'm not sure I'm better off than a pile of smoldering ashes." He sank down on his couch, hiding his face under his arm.

And here comes the drama queen routine, she thought with disgust. "So what, you're just going to lie down, all, 'Woe is me?'"

"No," Edward replied, his annoyance becoming clearer in his tone. "I'm going to lie down, all, 'I wish my sister would leave me alone so I can bask in just how stupid I've been over the past three days!'"

You got that right! God, what a moron you've been.

"Rose, if you don't mind…" Edward waved his free hand toward the door of his room. He heard the soft shuffle of her shoes through the light shag rug that covered part of his floor and thought for one fraction of a moment that she might leave him in peace. Instead she sat down next to him on the couch, crushing that hope.

"Listen, Edward. I'm only saying this because I think of you like a brother," at least now I finally do, she amended silently. "You're not the first person to go off and have sex with someone as a form of revenge. Yes, it's stupid. And, yes, it was mean to Tanya. Really mean. But it doesn't make you a bad person. It really just makes you a sad person." Shifting up on his elbows he looked up at his stunning, blonde sister. A mixture of emotions colored her pale face but Edward was most surprised to find compassion predominating them when he certainly was expecting scorn.

"Let me guess," she said softly. "Tanya tried to make it better and you let her. Right?" He pinched the bridge of his nose at the humiliation of it, but nodded his head all the same.

"Then what? You started to remember Isabella?" He winced at the name and she paused. "There really hasn't been anyone for you since her, has there?"

"No," he murmured matter-of-factly.

"And now what? There never will be?" Rosalie's thoughts skittered over Edward, mourning over his lost love for yet another century, imagining him turning more and more into ghost of himself. The image was strikingly similar to that of the Volturi leader, Marcus, although she had never seen him herself.

"I don't know…" He didn't know how Marcus managed not to kill himself. Surely he could have asked for that mercy from his brother-in-law. Perhaps it was not a gift Aro was willing to give. Perhaps life was Marcus's punishment for conspiring to leave with Aro's sister; for daring to love her at all.

Edward wondered if life would be his punishment as well.

A/N: Hopefully you don't feel like the ongoing angst of the story is your punishment. If you're curious about why the hard times didn't stop when Edward saw Bella, please take a look at the teaser post for this chapter on our blog. http://fragilefoxes[dot]blogspot[dot]/2010/01/in-blood-chapter-14-teaser[dot]html. And I do promise it will get better for our erstwhile lovers eventually.