Chapter 4

"Ok last round Barkeep." Gippal ordered from the ship's Hypello as he downed the last of his drink, then looking over at his friend saw her placing her glass down on the bar as he had done - a small smile in the corner of her lips. "See, I told you having a few stiff drinks inside of you would make you feel better."

"A few? Gippal, that was waaay more than a few! But yes, it did help." Paine smiled up at him, confirming her statement. He had decided it was wrong of them, well him especially, to wallow in self pity. Instead of torturing himself by holding her warm body tucked neatly into his, he'd give her a proper send-off! They would go to the bar, write a list of all the reasons she'd be happy when she was dropped off and they would get steadily drunk over the rest of the afternoon. Only the afternoon had run into the evening and he knew she was most likely going to hurt him for the hangover in the morning. Regardless of that outcome being very probable, he grinned; he hadn't realised just how much he missed hanging out with her like the Squad days. They could probably find more time together when everything settled down again, they could hang out like old mates – Nooj and Baralai too! Although Gippal was pretty sure it was mainly Paine he would want to spend time with.

"Niiight guuuys!" called Rikku as she came through the door to the cabin, heading for the stairs. "Don't stay up too late, it's a big day tomorrow!"

"Getting off the ship?" Paine asked as her eyebrow jumped up in scepticism.

"Well I consider that a big deal! Sorry for being excited! You should be more like this Paine, after all it is you it's happening too. Can't believe how flat you've been acting!" Rikku stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned to the two at the bar as she spoke. Gippal could see Rikku had touched Paine; he'd just been trying to make her forget how she "should be acting", spent the afternoon aiming to make her happy and Rikku had just wiped all that away! Gippal glowered across the room at the other Al Bhed.

"Maybe i'm just conserving my energy Rikku." Explained Paine who refused to face the young girl.

"Why?" questioned Rikku, ignoring Gippals eye contact," You're moving to Bevelle – BEVELLE! You can spend the rest of your life with a pole shoved up your bum but this is the last week you'll experience without having to show decorum; you've been so mopey."

"I don't always seem mopey to you?" Paine asked Rikku, however looked to Gippal for an explanation. Shrugging Gippal shook his head.

Rikku thought for a while before concluding Paine was right, then she turned and climbed the stairs calling back to them as she got into bed.

Both Gippal and Paine were silent as Barkeep put their drinks down on the bar. "Do you think she knows?" whispered Paine as she picked up the glass. It was barely audible so Gippal had to move closer to the red eyed woman who was rotating the drink between her hands allowing the liquid inside to rock against the beaker. Gippal shook his head – but he'd never been good at keeping quiet. Paine looked up to stare into his eye before continuing to speak her thoughts, "It's probably been so obvious I'm having second thoughts. Maybe it'll be obvious tomorrow too. I bet I'll mess everything up, it's all going to go so horribly wrong just because I keep thinking I made the wrong decision." Paine looked down into the drink, "I wouldn't think it if I was doing the right thing, would I?" Still keeping her voice hushed so not to let Rikku hear, Paine moved away from the bar, she paced round before coming back to stand right in front of Gippal, "But it's Bevelle! So many people would give anything to have the opportunity i have, and yet here i am complaining as if i have to go through anything similar to what Yuna went through. It's pathetic!"

Gippal took hold of Paine's wrists that were making their way to tearing her hair out. "Hey - None of that!" he shook his head firmly and then when Paine was calm, Gippal put his hands on her cheeks; cupping her face so she looked at him when he spoke. "Listen, your circumstances may be nothing like Yuna's but you have to do what makes you happy! You only get one chance at this life and if you feel you're doing something wrong then you should try to change it. Bevelle is not the end of the world. It's just Bevelle." Her face looked concerned again as Gippal spoke, "Please don't do this just because you think you should."

"It's not just about me Gippal, not anymore."

"Why has it never been about me?" he asked fiercely, suddenly letting her go and turning to the bar before quickly downing his drink.

"When was I ever supposed to guess that you wanted to be involved? When did you ever let me know you wanted it to be about you too?" Paine retaliated angrily and yet her voice was still so quiet.
Gippal didn't say anything as he thought, but Paine once again interpreted this silence to mean he didn't care. She walked off towards the bathrooms without warning. Rolling his eyes momentarily before following her.

Gippal cleared his throat when he found her in the bathroom. "Please get out, i want a shower Gippal."

"If i'd let you know how i felt sooner, then would there have ever been a chance for us? Or would Bevelle still come first?" the Al Bhed asked.

"Would Bevelle come first? What sort of question is that?"

"You know what i mean, just answer it!" he pushed.

"I don't know, Gippal. If that was the case then i'm guessing everything would be very different." They stood staring at each other long enough for the lights in the cabin to go off through the hallway behind them. Everyone seemed to be going to bed, it wasn't even that late was it?

"I feel horrible inside."

"Me too Gippal." Paine gulped deeply as she admitted this.

"I knew this journey would be hard, I dreaded letting you go. But to know you aren't even happy with it – it just hurts even more. I was hoping your strength would make me see that everything would be alright. But I can't see how this is ever going to be the right thing, no one is benefitting from this Paine!" Gippal told the crimson eyed woman truthfully.
But she looked at him in disbelief, "No one is going to benefit?" Shaking her head she continued, "Gippal, this is not about 'benefits', it's about my life! And of course people are going to be happy, so many peo-"

"I was talking about us." Gippal cut her off.

"There isn't an us Gippal, when was there ever an us?!" Paine put her arms out to express just how crazy the idea was – even if he searched high and low he knew he wouldn't be able to find any proof that the two of them could have had something. Not after the events of the past few years.

"You're right. Pretend i never said anything." Gippal said harshly, if she was going to act like he didn't matter to her at all then to hell with it. "Whilst you're sorting all this stuff out over the next couple of days, I hope you forget all these talks. Because you don't mean them, don't worry, I understand you were only kidding when you said you missed me. I won't mention it to anyone either, it would be insane to think that you actually wanted to back out!"

Paine looked concerned, "Gippal, stop! You can't do that!"

"You think I actually would tell someone what you've said – about all the "regret"? What do you take me for Paine?" her disbelief in him stung; he was being sarcastic but she seemed to believe that he meant it. He thought she knew him better than that.

"No." She whimpered; something he'd never heard Paine do - It worried him. "Stop trying to make out like I never gave a damn!" Her eyes looked tearful, he wondered if she was ever to actually cry would it look like blood running from those red eyes? He didn't want to find out. "Of course I missed you. I've always missed you, even in the Squad when we had different training programmes – I couldn't wait to get back to see you. You know how I felt when i thought you were dead, every time i see you it hurts more to say goodbye because it feels like it could be the last time." Her voice trembled beneath her words, "I don't want to do this anymore Gippal! I want to turn around but i can't. I have to go on because think of who would be hurt if i didn't – think of all the destruction it would cause if i now say no! And just imagine what could happen if anyone found out the reason i don't want to go through with this - feel like a traitor for doing this – is because I can't get you out of my head!? Do you really think it's possible for me to say I change my mind because I love you?"

Gippal didn't know what to say, he didn't know what to respond because how could she even tell him this? Her torment surely meant that she couldn't carry on away, didn't it? He didn't know how it was ever right to do what she was doing if she really did love him? His urges overtook his mind and he stepped forward to catch her quivering lips in his. His hands firmly gripping her waist before caressing her back, searching her frame for a space to be placed forever. His body so close to hers he could feel her feminine frame against his – such a contrast next to one another and yet so perfect together. Her hands gripped for his hair as her lips took his softly, but only for a moment before pulling away. Paine pushed the Al Bhed back and turned quickly before putting her hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs.

"You just made it so much worse. How can I face this now? Why Gippal? Why did you do that!" Paine gripped her chest as she heaved breaths, determined not to let her pain get the better of her - her voice deep with anguish.

"I'm sorry. I know I just exacerbated the situation horribly, but i wanted to have one last reckless moment with you. Tomorrow you're going to be leaving me and I just wanted to have one more moment of fun. It was stupid i know – but don't people say you do stupid things when you're in love?" Gippal wrapped his arms around her vibrating shoulders.

"Don't say that." She ordered gradually becoming fiercer. For a minute Gippal did as instructed and said nothing, but he didn't appreciate the silence and swiftly broke it to tell her he was only being honest. "Well you better stop being honest from now on. I can't have you telling anyone in Bevelle what just went on or how you feel."

"You say that as if they're still prejudice." Gippal stated, he always felt that whoever grew up under Yevons influence, like Paine had, would have negative feelings towards Al Bhed – it was his own little prejudice. And despite the fact he knew Paine never felt that way he always feared it, feared she wouldn't want to be with him because of it – now it was too late, she was basically becoming one of them so surely she must share some of that belief.

"This isn't about discrimination Gippal! Don't even play that card because you know why I'm asking you to keep quiet! You bloody know and if you pretend you don't then I'll be damned – literally!" she spun round to stare him down; she meant business. "Why are you doing this to me? I asked you to help, to make me feel better and to help me be happy with my decision. But you've just brought it all back to you."

"Would you be happier if I'd never been on this ship with you?" he asked.

"Probably."

Gippal nodded as he waited for her to say something more, but her response seemed pretty resolute. He turned away "I'll go then shall I?"

"It'd be easier if you weren't on the ship, not that I'd be happier." She revised her answer. Gippal wasn't sure if it was due to her lack of ability to let falsehoods lie or whether it was because she wanted him to
stay with her.

Looking back at her for one last time, Gippal studied her features. She looked pained, regretful even. She wasn't kidding around that she didn't want to go through with all this anymore, but then again if she didn't do anything to change her circumstances then no one else could. "Well you better find a way to make yourself happy without me pretty quickly." At that he turned and went to bed.

Hello... only got one chapter to go!