"No," replied Tom. "No…I…I just left. Then I sat in the car and cried…again." He looked at Hirsch, his eyes pleading with him to help somehow. "I don't know what to do anymore. It's been so long, but it won't go away. The son of a bitch isn't even around anymore, but it feels like he's everywhere all the time…around me…on me…in me."

Dr. Hirsch looked with sympathy at the young man sitting across from him. All of this was normal, especially for someone who had suffered such a horrific attack. As a psychologist, he knew that. But he was beginning to wonder if Tom Hanson needed more help than he could give him.


Three weeks later, Tom was still sitting at a desk processing paperwork for the other officers' cases. The department was short two people, so despite his loathing for the work, Tom really was doing something that was important for the team. He just wished he could play a bigger part.

"Ohhhhh, secretaryyyyyy…" Doug's lilting, sarcastic voice floated throughout the chapel as he made his way to Hanson's desk. A couple of other people in the room snickered as Doug reached the desk and sweetly asked, "Would you be a dear and enter these in the computer for me?" He ended the question with a toothy grin.

Tom clenched his jaw and muttered, "Doug, I swear to God…"

"Pretty please?" Doug asked in a high voice as he dropped his papers in a heap onto the desk.

"Doug," Tom said evenly, "I mean it. Get those fucking papers…"

Doug feigned shock, covering his open mouth with a hand. "Such language! I'm going to have to have a word with your boss, honey."

"Doug…"

"Hey, I'm sorry, sweetie. Don't get your panties in a wad. Hey, how about I take you away from all this?"

"That…" said Tom, shuffling the new papers into a stack and putting them on top of a larger stack, "would be nice."

"So let's go," Doug said, not kidding around anymore.

"Go where" Tom asked impatiently, still annoyed with Doug's sense of humor.

"Drug buy."

Tom wrinkled his face in confusion. "Huh?"

"Drug buy, man!" said Doug excitedly as he pulled up a chair and sat down. "See, there's this punk kid…Logan Ashter. I've been running around with him…small stuff, you know? I can't get him to move me up…get me to the main guys. I told him if he could get me some bigger deals that I'd spread it around, you know? Bring him some more buyers." Doug leaned back in the chair and pointed at Tom. "And that's where you come in."

Tom looked at Doug a moment and then rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Doug, even if I wanted to, I can't." He looked down and started going through some more papers. "You know that."

Doug folded his arms. "That's not what Fuller says."

Tom raised his eyes. "Huh?"

"Go talk to him." Doug motioned with his head toward the captain's office.

Tom looked at him skeptically, then glanced toward the office and back again. "Really?"

"Yeah! Go on!"

"'Cause I swear, if you're screwing with me…"

"I'm not. Go." Doug gestured again toward the office.

Still fearing that this was some sort of trick dreamed up by his partner's warped mind, Tom hesitantly stood up and made his way toward Captain Fuller's door. He took another look back at Doug who motioned for him to keep going. Tom knocked on the door to the office, then opened it a little and leaned in. "Uh…Cap'n? Doug said I needed to come talk to you."

The captain looked up. "Hanson. Come on in."

Tom entered the room and sat down across the desk from Fuller who leaned back in his chair before speaking.

"So I've been thinking," the captain began, "and I think it's time to get you back out into the field."

Hope leapt in the young officer's heart, but weeks of having his hopes dashed caused caution to rear its head. "Um…I don't know, Cap'n. I mean…I want to, but…Dr. Hirsch…"

"Dr. Hirsch said it would be fine." Fuller saw Tom's eyes light up with eagerness. It was the first time since he had come back that the captain had seen him show any liveliness at work. But he wanted to make sure he didn't expect too much…at least not yet. "With a few conditions," he concluded.

A look of disappointment crossed Tom's face. "Oh," he said quietly.

The captain gave him a smile. "It's not that bad. We're just going to go slowly…take it a step at a time. Okay?"

Tom nodded. "Yeah…okay." It didn't matter to him what kind of "conditions" were involved, as long as he was able to get out of this place and do what he felt was some real work.

"First of all," continued Fuller, "nothing long term yet. We're going to have you do some one shots…let you ease back into it."

"Okay," replied Tom, still apprehensive about what all of this was going to mean for him.

"Secondly, no primaries. You'll need to have another officer with you at all times."

The more the captain talked, the less excited Hanson began to feel about the whole thing. But he knew this was the beginning. Getting through this would eventually get him back out in the field doing the job he loved, so he would do whatever it took.

"So…" Fuller said, "I'm going to let you go out on this one with Penhall. For right now it's just one buy…no big deal. You really don't have to do anything other than go with him and make the buy."

Tom bit back the sarcastic reply that wanted to jump out of his mouth. "Taking it slowly" was an understatement. "Okay," he agreed.

Fuller leaned forward at his desk. "Look, Tom, I know this isn't the way you want to do it, but it's a start. Give it a chance. Get out there and see what it feels like. We'll have you out there again full time before you know it."

Tom knew the captain was right, but it really didn't make him feel any better. He was just going to have to suck it up and make the best of it. He nodded. "Okay, Cap'n. I can do that."

"You're okay with this then?"

"Yeah." Tom smiled. "I'm just glad to be getting out of here for awhile. Thanks, Cap'n."

"You're welcome," said Fuller as Tom got up to leave. "And Hanson?"

Tom stopped and turned to look at him. "Yeah?"

"I'm glad to have you back. You're a good cop."

Tom smiled. "Thanks."

"Are you sure you got it?"

"I'm sure, Doug, I'm sure!" Tom looked out his open car window, away from Doug who was in the driver's seat. They had been sitting in the grocery store parking lot for 45 minutes going over the details of the drug buy they were about to make. Tom squinted in the sunlight that hit his face. "I've done this before, you know."

"Hey, c'mon, man. It's been awhile. I just wanna make sure you're cool with everything." When Tom did not reply, Doug added, "All right?"

"Yeah…yeah…I'm sorry." Tom sighed and looked at his friend. "Let's do it."

Doug brightened. "Cool!" He started the car and put it in gear, then pulled out of the parking lot. He headed down the street six blocks and turned when they reached a corner that was occupied by a liquor store, two scavenging dogs, and three teenage boys covered in tattoos and leaning against the building. Doug made eye contact with one of the boys as he drove by, and the lanky male followed the car as it made its way slowly up the narrow street. When he reached the alley mid-block, Doug pulled the car in and drove to a small parking area behind the liquor store. He stopped the car next to a dumpster and checked his rearview mirror.

Tom checked the side mirror as well, watching the young man as he neared the car. "That him?"

"Yeah," answered Doug. "That's Logan. Come on." The two men got out of the car and went to the back of it.

"Hey, man," Logan said to Doug as he walked up, hands in his pockets. He cast a quick glance Hanson's way, then addressed Doug again. "You sure about this?"

"Yeah, man…seriously." Doug turned his back to Tom and whispered to Logan, "Dude, come on…you told me to bring in some more players and more money and you'd get me some bigger deals. Don't cut out on me now!"

The kid took another look at Hanson who was now leaning against the car, arms folded, looking bored. "What's he got?"

"Two G's."

"Man! You crazy?! You never got nothin' over a couple hundred from me. How you think I'm gonna be carrying 2 G's worth around with me?!"

Penhall grabbed Logan's arm and pulled him farther away from the car. He uttered between clenched teeth, "I don't. You said you'd get me more from your guys. So…get me more! Don't embarrass me in front of this guy."

Logan yanked his arm away from Doug. "I ain't just gonna waltz you in there, man. Lemme see the money…then we'll talk."

Doug contemplated the request for a moment and then said, "Come on!" as he headed back to the car.

Tom raised his eyes as the men approached. "Are we doing this or what?"

"Yeah…yeah!" Doug nudged Tom's arm. "Show him the money."

"What?! Why? Where's the stuff?"

Doug looked at Logan. "Guy doesn't believe you're in this for real."

Tom shook his head and stood up off the car. "Fuck it." He walked around the back of the car to the other side. "I got plenty of guys that want this cash. You don't? Fine. Go tell you boss you turned it down. See what he thinks. Or wait 'til he hears it from on one of his pals who did take it." He got into the car. "We're outta here."

Doug looked at Logan and shrugged, then got into the car.

"Hey…hey…wait…wait…hold on!" The dealer ran over to the car and leaned into Doug's open window. "C'mon, man…I gotta make sure, you know? I can't just put it all out there 'less I know you can pay up."

Tom leaned forward in his seat and looked at the man. "Yeah? Same here. And you know…I don't think you even have it." He looked at Doug. "Let's get out of here."

Doug started the car and put it into gear, but Logan did not back away.

"I can get it! I can get it! Just wait!" Both men in the car looked at him without saying anything. "Just…I gotta get in touch with somebody, that's all."

"Do it," said Tom.

Logan looked back at him and knew this would be his last chance. He shook his head, mumbling curses, and pulled his cell phone out of his front jeans pocket. He hit a number on his speed dial and gave the men in the car an annoyed glance before turning his back on them and talking into the phone.

Doug looked over at Tom, both of them trying to suppress the grins on their faces, and they bumped their fists together down low. They waited a few more minutes until Logan finished his call.

"So?!" yelled Doug out the window at the kid's back. "What's it gonna be?"

Logan slipped his hand into his pocket, putting the phone away, then turned to face the undercover officers. His hand now held a small semi-automatic pistol pointed directly at them. "No deal."

Doug's mouth fell open. "What the f…"

Logan stuck the gun out farther. "The money…who's got the money?" He looked up and down the alley quickly. "C'mon! C'mon!"

Tom shook his head in disbelief, uttering, "Are you fucking kidding me?" as he got out of the car. He walked quickly around the front of it and headed for Logan. "You want the money? I got the money, you little prick! Come and get it."

Tom's actions took Logan by surprise, and he tried to back away, but the officer was on him in a flash, grabbing the hand that held the gun and pulling the kid's arm high behind his back as he spun him around. Hanson pushed him hard against the dumpster and pinned him there with his shoulder as he sharply twisted Logan's wrist, causing him to let go of the gun as he squealed in pain.

As Tom had gotten out of the car to go after Logan, Doug was taken aback as much as Logan had been. His first instinct was to jump out of the car and stop Hanson, but he didn't. He decided to wait and see how it played out, but his gun had been pulled out from under the seat and was ready…just in case. He watched as his partner put Logan's own gun against his head.

"What the fuck are you trying to pull? Huh?" Tom pushed the punk harder against the dumpster for emphasis. "Who do you think you're dealing with? This isn't a game!" He pulled Logan by the back of his jacket and turned him around, shoving him forward toward the car as he held fast to the jacket. "See him? Huh?" Tom said, gesturing toward Doug. "You think he's who you're dealing with? You're gonna wish he's who you're dealing with!" He turned Logan around again and backed him up against the back window of the car.

The kid was shaking, eyes wide as Hanson put the gun in his face again. "Hey…man…you…I…they ain't gonna like it…you do something to me."

Tom laughed. "You think they give a shit about a punk like you? They got a hundred kids out on the street doing this for them." He leaned in close and shook his head as he whispered, "They ain't gonna miss you." He cocked the gun.

Doug heard the sound and decided it was time to step in. Up until now he had thought this was going pretty well. Unexpectedly…but well. Now he wasn't sure exactly how far Hanson might take it. He got out of the car. "Hey…hey…c'mon, guys, we can work this out." Both of the other men turned their eyes toward him. He looked at Hanson. "C'mon, man, let him up…let the kid go."

Hanson gave his partner a long, hard stare before releasing his hold on Logan and stepping back. He got close to Penhall, putting a finger in his face. "This is bullshit. You dragged me out here for this?" He looked at Logan a moment and then turned and walked around the car, waving the kid's gun as he did. "I ain't leaving empty-handed…takin' a souvenir." He got into the front passenger seat and slammed the door.

Doug put his arm around Logan's shoulder and led him away from the car. "What the hell was that all about?"

Logan jerked away from him. "What's the matter with you?" he hissed. "Bringing some psycho shit dude out here. Fucker almost killed me!"

Doug laughed. "You had a gun on us, man…on me. What was that all about?"

Logan cast a glance back at the car. "They just…fuck…all right, man, all right! They won't give it to me."

"What?"

"They won't give me that much…anything that big. I get all the shit deals. I thought…I thought if I brought 'em the money…"

Penhall nodded. "Then they'd know you meant business."

Logan hung his head. "Yeah."

"Well," said Doug, looking back at the car, "this wasn't the guy to try that on."

"Guess not." Logan shrugged.

Doug slapped him on the chest. "Don't worry about it. I'll make it good." He headed back to the car but stopped and turned. "And hey…look around…find one of your boys they will let do something big, 'kay? I'll make it worth your while. Promise."

"How did it go?" Captain Fuller asked as Tom and Doug sat down across from his desk.

Neither man spoke right away. The ride back had been awkward, and they hadn't said much. Finally Doug cleared his throat. "I think it went well."

Fuller leaned back in his chair, studying the officers. "Well, gee, Penhall, you sound so sure. What happened?"

"Well…" Doug continued, "he wasn't gonna do anything for us…wanted to see the money. So we…well, Hanson pulled the plug on it and the guy bit. He called his people, but…"

"But what?"

"Then he tried to rob us," Doug said sheepishly.

Fuller sighed. "And then what?"

Tom spoke up. "I went after him."

"What do you mean 'went after him'?" Fuller asked suspiciously.

Tom sighed and spit it out. "I got out of the car and grabbed him and got his gun away and…I got a little rough with him."

"You just…walked right up to him?"

"He walked fast," Doug piped up.

"Not helping, Penhall," Fuller warned.

"I got him by surprise, Cap'n," Tom tried to explain. "And Doug had his gun out in the car. It was safe."

"Safe? And did it work? Did you make the buy? Get the top dogs?"

Tom and Doug both shrank a little in their chairs. "No," Tom uttered.

"So now what?" demanded the captain. "Are we blown with this guy?"

"No, no!" Doug perked up some. "It was good, see? We found out that these guys won't deal the big stuff with Logan." He sat back in his chair with a big smile on his face. "I've been wasting my time!"

"Well, great, Penhall!" Fuller exclaimed sarcastically. "Good to know you're earning your pay around here!" He sighed. "Look, guys, I agree. You found out some valuable information and we can move on with this case. But let's be clear. I don't like the way it went down. We've got rules and procedures in place for your protection and to protect the integrity of our investigation. And I'm sure you're not going to let this happen again. Am I right?"

The two officers nodded and answered in unison, "Right, Cap'n."

Fuller nodded. "Good. Now…Penhall, go. Hanson…stay."

Tom and Doug gave each other an "Aw shit" look before Doug got up and left the room.

"I just need to know one thing," said Fuller as he looked intently at Hanson. "Was any part of this…how it happened…what you did…was it ever out of your control?"

Tom shook his head. "No, sir."

"You didn't overreact because of what happened to you?"

Tom shook his head again.

"You didn't have any flashbacks? Any moments where it felt like that was Eckert you were going off on?"

Tom shuddered at the mention of the name. "No, sir," he said again.

Fuller nodded. "Okay…okay…but you know all of this information goes to Dr. Hirsch, and he's going to go over it with you…how it went…before you can go out again. You know that, right?"

"I know. It's okay, Cap'n. I know. I'll do it. Whatever I have to do to get back out there and get everything behind me. I'll do it."

"Good. Now go." Fuller resumed working on the papers on his desk, not looking up again until he heard the door close as Hanson left the room.

"Aw…he's not mad!" Doug looked at Tom as they sat in the car outside Hanson's apartment.

"Yeah, right," Tom answered dejectedly. "We…I blew it."

"You did not! Look, that kid had been stringing me along for weeks. If you hadn't come in and pushed it, I'd still be hanging out with him on that damn corner waiting to score the big stuff."

"That's true," Tom agreed with a small laugh. But he quickly grew serious again. "I don't know though. This is tougher than I thought."

Doug looked at him sympathetically. "It'll get easier. You did good today. You'll be back in the swing of things before you know it."

"I hope so." Tom looked at his apartment. It was early evening, so the soft rays of the setting sun still played across the pavement. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Early, remember?"

Shit. "Yeah…yeah…4:00, right?" Damn audits. "Why do we have to go?"

"Shorthanded, remember? Yeah, 4:00…and be ready. This isn't a good time to piss Fuller off. Want me to come up or just honk?"

"Honk…I'll come down." Tom sighed. "I'll see ya." He got out of the car and went into the building quickly, hearing Doug's car pull away after he was inside.

Tom spent the evening watching TV and drinking a few beers, trying to relax, but the day's events kept playing over and over in his mind. He had told Fuller the truth…at least, he thought he had. But he couldn't help wondering if the captain was right. After all, everything else he did was tainted by what had happened to him. Maybe this was too. One thing he did know, however, was that he wasn't going to figure it out tonight. He went to bed early, hoping he could get some good sleep before 4:00 rolled around. But he doubted it, and as usual he was right.

Tom tossed and turned in his bed as the dreams taunted him and woke him up every half hour or so. In them, Logan turned into Eckert, his evil smile persisting even after Tom had shot him in the face. Logan was Eckert, turning the tables on Tom and holding him against the car at gunpoint, grabbing his crotch. Logan was Eckert, pinning Tom to the ground, kneeling over him, holding Tom's hands above his head and laughing…laughing…

Tom awoke, screaming, still hearing the laughter. He couldn't move. Why couldn't he move? It was dark in the room, but he was sure he had left the light on. He always left the light on. He couldn't sit up. His arms…they were above his head…and why the fuck couldn't he move? Jesus…oh, Jesus. He screamed, but it was cut short by a hand clamping down hard over his mouth. He struggled to move again but froze as something brushed across his ear. And he heard it…the whisper…

"This ain't a dream, buddy…"

Thank you all so much for your patience in waiting for this chapter! I've had some really crazy work hours that didn't allow much time for writing, but I finally got it done this morning. I hope you enjoy it and that it was worth waiting for! I really appreciate all of your comments, input, and reviews and hope you'll leave me some feedback on this one. Thanks again!