Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters... I just want Edward and Jasper to get it on.

A/N: First, I have to thank every last one of you for reading, reviewing and putting this story on alert. This chapter's a bit different, as in, actually containing plot, character-development, and a heart-to-heart... keeping my fingers crossed that you'll keep reading. I promise the full monty next chapter. ;)

I couldn't sleep, or rather, I didn't want to. I wanted to enjoy this moment.

Jasper's arm was draped over me, his bare chest pressed into my back as we spooned in my tiny dorm bed. His breath was shallow but steady; he was practically passed out when I poured him into bed over an hour ago.

This is what I wanted, to lie in bed every night with his body snug with mine. I'm sure if Emmett got his hands on the knowledge that I liked to cuddle, my older brother would never let me hear the end of it. But if I could have Jasper in my bed every night, preferably sober and not stumbling drunk when he came to my room, I would gladly suffer any ribbing thrown my way. I wanted to be his and only his, but as always, I was the victim of bad timing.

After our experimentation during 4th of July weekend, the rest of the summer with Jasper had brought some more mind-numbing rendezvous, including one return to the world of sundae toppings. He stopped working a couple weeks before we had to be at freshman orientation, and we sure as hell made use of those two weeks.

As a joke he changed his ringtone in my phone to the Bryan Adams song that now held new meaning for us.

The problem was we didn't take the time to get to know each other apart from the intense physical connection we shared. With our friends and prying families keeping us so occupied, any time we had alone was spent in some state of undress. Technically I suppose I was still a virgin, but we had done everything else but actual penetration.

I loved him. I knew that much. I was even willing to admit it to myself now, because every insight into his personality I did get made me fall even harder.

He was the only person I knew other than my grandfather who could calculate a pitcher's ERA and could usually do it in his head.

He could sit and watch the History Channel for hours on end and be completely engaged the whole time.

He shared my fondness for 80s New Wave and was in accord with me that everything Simon Le Bon touched turned to gold.

I even found out that one of the reasons he and Alice became such good friends in the first place was that Jasper had a hidden clothing fetish and they often went on day-long shopping excursions together; he just never had the spare money to spend on clothes and his father would have seen it as frivolous. I couldn't tell you why, because I found the trait annoying in my twin sister, but for some reason, with Jasper it was just hot. I wanted him to dress for me.

That's how I realized that I had completely fallen for him.

But I still wasn't sure that he felt the same way about me.

It made me feel kind of pathetic knowing that this could be totally one-sided.

I tried to understand as best I could. His family life was different than mine. I knew Rosalie just wanted her younger brother to be happy, but his parents were from a different generation and not quite as fully accepting of him as mine were of me. I wasn't even sure if his extended family knew about his sexuality. I heard secondhand through Alice that over the summer his godparents had tried to set him up on dates with some eligible bachelorettes from their church in Port Angeles.

He had never told me, but then, we didn't do much talking. We never really were friends.

I also understood that he hadn't come to terms with his sexual identity until a few years after I did. He wasn't ready for a relationship. And here I was, wanting to fucking pick out china patterns, metaphorically speaking of course, because who really pays attention to dishes? If I were being rational about the whole situation, I would probably conclude that I was not even ready for the type of serious relationship I thought I desired.

Logically I understood all of this.

So before we left for school, we decided to keep things open. Most people broke up with their high school sweetheart before college, and it didn't seem like the best idea in the world to start a relationship right before our lives would change so drastically even though we were going to the same school. Neither of us had ever really been out and proud in Forks, so part of me was legitimately excited about meeting new people and being able to ogle good-looking men in public without 3200 people finding out.

But it didn't really change anything, because I couldn't help it.

I wanted to be with Jasper.

I joined the University's Queer-Straight Alliance almost immediately, and I met a lot of people there and in my classes - gay, straight and otherwise. I was growing more and more comfortable with my homosexuality. I participated in protests, I even wore rainbows, though some of the more social activities that some of the QSA members did just weren't my thing. I wasn't really into clubbing or parades, and though I have to admit I was intrigued by the gay rodeo, I didn't want to skip class in order to make the road trip.

I still spent a lot of time with Bella, she and Jake were still together but Jake was finishing up his senior year of high school in Forks. It was nice to have my best friend back after my Jasper-obsessed and over-bearing-mother filled summer. It was so easy to be around Bella, we could always pick up where we left off. She was the only one of my friends who would humor me and go to bookstores for hours on end and watch B-grade horror movies about axe murders and vampires. We even laughed in all the same places.

Of course Alice was worried that Bella wasn't getting out enough and really enjoying college, so I often became Bella's beacon of respite from Alice's crazy lifestyle and we spent a lot of time exploring Seattle together, finding places to hide from my twin. We investigated the art museums and galleries all over the city and even went on a quest to find a coffee shop that looked like the one from Frasier. Though even Alice was adamant that Bella and Jake would be together forever, she still didn't want Bella to moon over him all the time and go home every weekend, usually Alice had a way of getting what she wanted, but Bella could be quite stubborn.

So Jasper became Alice's go-to escort to parties. Alice had told me on more than one occasion that Jasper was crazy about me, or "totally stupid for me" in her terms; he was just terrified at the idea of stability. She also claimed that he wasn't entirely comfortable in his own skin yet and he was having trouble adjusting to college life, so meanwhile I should play the field a little and have some fun. I did invite Jasper to go with me to QSA meetings once or twice, but he didn't seem very receptive to the idea. We still hung out, but it was usually in a group setting where the only thing we could do was sneak in a few gropes now and then.

I tried to believe my omniscient twin. If it was meant to be, and Alice said it was, then it would happen.

Eventually.

But Jasper didn't exactly seem to be pining away for me.

The first time I saw him with another guy's tongue shoved down his throat, it was worse than being punched in the gut, worse than rejection, worse than all the time I spent hoping, wishing, that he felt even some semblance of what I felt for him. I'm fairly certain Jasper was three sheets to the wind, but that didn't make it any easier to see. I had been dragged to some house party hosted by a friend of a friend of mine near the end of the first semester and of course Alice had heard about the same party, taking Jasper with her as a potential beard and/or protector. I was bored and the music was shitty, so I was going to find my buddy Alec to tell him I was leaving. I poked my head upstairs and there in a hallway was a tall, dirty blond up pushed up against the wall by some nondescript brown-haired man, even though the brunette was clearly the smaller and weaker of the two. I didn't need a second glance to know it was Jasper.

I'll never know how I was able to get myself back downstairs without causing a scene. I just know that it was the first time in my life where I didn't actually care whether or not I lived to see another day.

So being the brilliant man that I am, I decided to drink more shots of Captain Morgan than I could remember and spent half that night puking in a dorm bathroom stall. Though, during my heart-to-heart with the porcelain bowl I came to two conclusions. One – I was never, ever drinking anything with pirate on it ever again; and two – I should at least make an attempt to play the field, get some experience, even if it just didn't feel right.

Time passed and I saw Jasper less and less. I was busy with my coursework, my new friends, not to mention Bella and Alice, and when I could pry him away from wrestling practice or Rosalie - Emmett, so Jasper and I went back to how we were in high school. Casual acquaintances. Friends of friends. His family even went to Texas over winter break, so I didn't have the possibility of reconnecting with him back in Forks.

It was almost as if I never existed to him at all.

And let me tell you, it fucking hurt.

It hurt immensely, crushed me, sucked away my breath every time I thought about it, and the only thing I could do was tell myself over and over again that I didn't have any claim on him. That he couldn't possibly feel the same way about me. That I should try my luck with someone who was ready, who would appreciate me, who would adore me the way I adored Jasper.

I spent way too much time over the break rationalizing to myself that I wasn't in love. I told myself that I was too young, that no one finds their soul mate at age 18, well, if I was being honest I fell for Jasper when I was 16. People just changed too much as they got older. What I thought would be compatible now would be different five years from now, and there was no reason for me to think that Jasper would grow in a way that met my changing needs, desires and dreams.

I told myself that no one knew who they were at age 19 and I was too young to expect a lifelong relationship to begin now.

I was cynical enough that I almost had myself convinced.

The problem with all of my reasoning, of course, was that I did know who I was. My mom used to tease me that I was born an adult and grew more middle-aged every year. I never even believed in Santa Claus. My twin was the fun, flighty, free spirit. I was the responsible, calculating one. I knew I wanted to go into research medicine when I was six, and that dream never faded or wavered. I actually enjoyed all of my coursework first semester and could never join my classmates in all their complaints.

And it was with even more certainty that I knew I loved Jasper. It was cosmic. And I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't experience it. If I didn't feel it every time he stepped into the same room as me. Or when I gazed into his eyes and could read his expression. Or when my skin still tingled from his touch even long after we parted.

His heart sang to mine.

And he didn't want to be with me.

The worst was thinking that to him I was just some kind of sexual experiment or plaything. How easily it seemed he was able to leave my lips and plant them on another.

It was the mental image of him with his lips and hands and god knows what else all over another man that finally set my resolve.

When we returned for the spring semester, I tried to be more social. When some of my QSA friends went to all-ages night at the nearest gay club, I went along. I surprised myself by having a good time getting lost in the house music and dancing without shame. I even went out on a couple dates, set up by some of my happily taken friends. The most promising of these dates was a sophomore named Garrett. He was a physics major, tall, with dark hair and beautiful olive skin. We had dinner at a little Italian place off campus and then went to hear the Seattle Philharmonic, an evening of Ravel and Debussy. Eventually we went back to his apartment and started to make out, but as soon as his hands traveled down below the belt I freaked out a little, told him that I wasn't ready for this and basically went home with my tail between my legs. He was pretty understanding about the whole thing and we eventually became friends.

But that night while I was in the shower, trying to wash the smell of Garrett's cologne off of me, I had my first ever anxiety attack. I thought I was having a heart attack, my chest felt tight and I was gasping for breath, and the only thing my body was capable of doing was to curl up into a ball. So I sat on the floor of the disgusting dorm shower, terrified, alone, and trying to remember how to breathe. Eventually it passed, but I was traumatized and spent the rest of the night curled up in the fetal position on my bed.

Alice came over the next morning, our twin voodoo informing her of my need for comfort, and I cried on her shoulder for a good solid hour before she forced me to the mall for some retail therapy. She tried to tell me that since I obviously couldn't handle getting involved with anyone else that I should just be patient and wait for Jasper to get his shit together. It really very un-Alice-like. She wasn't a patient person, nor did she really seem convinced by monogamy and yet now she was suggesting that I should settle for pining away for him. When I tried to call her out on it, she just smiled at me and said,

"Everything will work out."

Anyway, I got new jeans and a pair of Kenneth Cole motorcycle boots out of the excursion.

She was right, even if she had altered her stance on the matter. I knew now that I wasn't ready to even think about being with anyone other than Jasper, and so I just resigned myself to let it run its course. Either I would get over him or I'd spend the rest of my life in a state of longing. So I was back in my high school frame of mind once more, avoiding Jasper and trying desperately not to throw myself at him whenever the opportunity did strike.

And for the most part he seemed to be avoiding me too.

What made it worse than it was in high school was that I knew now what I was missing.

When Jasper showed up at my door tonight though, I knew something was different. He was absolutely tanked, but the look in his eyes told me that something terrible had happened that led him to this state.

"Ed..." was all he said to me and he threw his arms around me. I almost fell over with the sudden addition of his weight on mine, but I managed to get us both to the bed.

I had never in my life seen Jasper like this; he looked as though he was going to cry.

"I- I needed to see you," he slurred. "Needed to make sure."

I wanted to press him for information, I was dying to know what the hell he was talking about, but I couldn't do it in his current state. He probably would have no recollection of any of this anyway. So I reassured him that everything was fine, and that he needed to sleep. I helped him undress, because apparently I like torturing myself, until he was in nothing but blood red boxer briefs, but I managed to pull myself away and got him a bottle of water out of my mini-fridge. He took a long swig and then yawned loudly. I helped him under the covers.

I had the foresight to bring my garbage can over beside the bed just in case and was about to take up residence on the futon when his arm reached out for me.

"Please," was the only word the escaped his lips.

I was completely incapable of denying him anything, so I joined him under the covers.

And so here I was, freaked the fuck out, with the man of my dreams clutching me with a death grip.

I must have drifted off at some point, because the next thing I was aware of was warm breath at the back of my neck, my mess of hair stifling a groan that came from the man holding me.

"Jasper?"

"Ed" he croaked out.

I twisted out from under his arm and reached for the half-empty water bottle from last night. He greedily began to drink, but I could see him turning green. He looked at me for a second and then bolted from the bed and rushed out my room toward the bathroom. I grabbed a few things from my bathroom caddy and followed him. I waited by the row of sinks and once the retching noises stopped, I passed him a fresh bottle of water under the stall and voiced that I was leaving him some mouthwash and aspirin if he needed it, but I left him alone to take care of nursing his hangover. There were certain things a man had to do alone.

Eventually he emerged from the bathroom and came back into my room.

"Feeling better?"

"Much."

I couldn't keep it in any longer, it was driving me crazy.

"I know you might not remember, but if you do, I- I have to know what you meant last night, Jasper."

"What did I say?" He looked panicked for a moment, and I braced myself for the worst.

"You said you needed to see me; that you wanted to be sure."

His shoulders relaxed and he looked relieved. Now I was really worried.

"What were you afraid that you said?"

"I guess I should probably start from the beginning."

"O...kay," I was thoroughly confused at this point.

"I- I didn't- well, I still don't- I never. Shit. Let me start over."

I nodded.

"I've never really believed that I was worthy of you," he blurted out.

"Huh?" was my brilliant response.

This was not what I was expecting at all.

"This transition to college has been really hard for me. But you, I mean, I know you over-analyze everything to death, but you always make the right choices in the end. You're like the most self-disciplined person I know, other than my father, but the difference is it comes naturally to you. I admire it in you. It was basically ingrained into my father through years of military training, but you've always had it together, and you just seamlessly adjusted to all of this. To classes, living on your own, making a ton of new friends, joining clubs, being comfortable with coming out."

I opened my mouth to tell him how wrong he was in all of these assumptions, but his eyes pleaded with me to let him finish.

"My whole life has been meticulously organized and planned by my dad. He has always told me when to get up, when to eat, and you never knew this, but he even has fucking lights out. I've never known anything else. When I told him I wasn't going into the service, he was okay with it, especially given my being gay, but he never let up on the discipline. And now, here on my own, I don't have anyone telling me what to do and when to do it. Well, I kind of freaked out, for lack of a better way to put it. It took me awhile to get used to not having my entire day plotted out for me. I realized how much of my identity was lost, because I never let myself question my father. I talked about this with Rose some, and the thing is, my dad wouldn't have been angry with me if I told him to ease up. I just, I never had the courage to."

I wanted to reassure him to tell him that this was a huge adjustment for me too, but I knew it would sound empty.

Jasper continued: "So, I guess, well, I guess I sort of lost it when I got here. I thought I didn't know who I was, and I just didn't feel like I deserved you. I didn't want you to see me this messed up. So I rebelled. I drank too much, your sister was no help in that department by the way, and I let a couple boys kiss me, put their hands down my pants to get me off. Well, and vice versa. I'm a cliché. I'm the kid who starts going apeshit because he's away from home for the first time."

He laughed then, but there was no humor behind it.

"I didn't realize that I was hurting you until Alice let it slip. You just always seem so together. I couldn't image that I, in my pathetic state, could cause a chink in your armor."

His eyes began to well up then, but he shook them away.

"Knowing that, well, it made me feel even worse. So for the past couple weeks I've just been drinking more and more. And then... something... happened last night."

I was too tense to speak, but I resolved to myself that there was nothing he could tell me that would make me love him any less. So I reached out my hand and he quickly grabbed it. He pulled our connected hands into his lap, a movement which forced me to close the gap between us, our knees now touching.

He took a deep breath and shuddered.

"I was at a house party last night, my psychology T.A. invited me. So I went. I was buzzed, but that's no excuse. This guy, James, I found out later he was my T.A.'s roommate, well, I had seen him on campus a few times and he had expressed interest in me before. I had always blown him off. I won't lie to you; I was kind of flattered by the attention at first. But last night, yeah, he wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. He became really forceful with me. He- he pushed me into one of the bedrooms and forced himself on top of me. He knew I was a virgin. I was just a conquest to him. And it wasn't right, it wasn't what I wanted at all. But he made me feel so weak... I didn't fight back. It wouldn't have been rape because I was going to let him..."

A sob escaped his lips then. I just squeezed his hand tightly, the only thing allowing me to keep my sanity was his choice of verb tense, but I needed to be sure.

"You didn't..." my own voice was strained. I couldn't help it.

"No. I stopped him. I... I thought about you, Ed, and how sure of yourself you are and how you would never let yourself be a victim like that. And it just reminded me of who I am, and I realized that I had the strength to walk away from him. So that's just what I did. I guess it never really sunk in before that I am the only one who can decide what I want and don't want. And I... well, I wanted to share my first time with you."

Suddenly he was shy.

He looked up cautiously at me through his eyelashes and continued, "You've probably already... but even if you have... I still want mine to be with you."

Frankly I was kind of shocked by the entirety of his admission. After seeing Jasper at that party last semester I had automatically thought the worst. But a couple hand jobs? That's it? I could deal with this. He was still a virgin. He wanted to lose his virginity to me, with me, together. The whole James situation though was another story. I wasn't mad at Jasper at all for the situation, but I wanted to fucking castrate James and I was amazed that Jasper was able to take the high road and just walk away. But I couldn't deal with that now.

A third option had presented itself to me and I no longer had to get over him or pine for him.

My Adonis had come back to me.

So I lowered my eyes and told him very briefly about my near anxiety attack with Garrett and the real anxiety attack that followed in the shower, reassuring him that I was even more innocent than he.

It was his turn to be shocked.

Which only reiterated how little we really knew about each other.

But it appeased him enough to continue.

"I'm really sorry I came over here so drunk. I was well on my way, like I said, before it all went down. But then I kind of panicked after I escaped James, not only at his power over me and how close I was to... you know, but also at the realization that my whole life I've been living according to other people's rules; so I stole a bottle of liquor from the party and started drinking. I was just kind of wandering around for a good long while. Until something snapped in me and I realized that I didn't want to be drinking anymore. The only thing in this world that I know I want- is you."

He took a deep breath and then met my eyes. His smile was intoxicating.

"So when I came here last night, I just needed to make sure that you were real. You're the best thing to ever happen to me Edward. Growing up and moving around so much, I've always been drifting along. There's never been any certainty, anything solid apart from the discipline. But it was thinking of you that made me get up and leave... this is going to sound stupid to you... but I... in the time we've spent together, just being with you, in your presence, you've always felt so solid... and real. You gave me hope, stability, and confidence that I won't always be drifting. You're like my anchor."

I couldn't speak, so I pulled his hand with mine still entwined, brought it up to my lips and gave it a gentle kiss.

His eyes shined back at mine, tears still there, but no longer of hurt or sadness, and he continued.

"So I was wandering around through campus and I sat down on a bench. I don't even remember what building it was in front of, but I saw this strange green light shining out through one of the windows, someone had probably just left a light on in their office or something. I have no idea what made it green, but it reminded me of your eyes; it was almost the exact shade. I thought to myself that I couldn't live with the disappointment I would see in them if you found out what I had almost done, of what I had done, of who I was becoming. So I decided then and there that I was going to be a better man, be worthy of you. I want to feel like I deserve to be in your life."

I was flabbergasted. So of course I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.

"What were you afraid you said to me last night?"

He stared into my eyes unwavering.

"I'm not afraid to tell you. I just didn't want to do it while being sloppy and stumbling drunk."

"Tell me what?"

"That I love you," he whispered.

A/N: I only intended to wind up with 4 or 5 total chapters of this story, but now I have at least 8 in mind. So if you are willing to stick this out with me, we'll just have to see together how far it goes.