Honor

Chapter Two:

Without Ever Letting Go

After a few days of rest Kokoro felt a lot better, she noted that she did not sleep so much as she just passed out and also that she never dreamed. She still missed her mother and Matthew, but she was able to get it together with rest and a little acceptance that she would find them, the two most important people ever to her. Miss Yuki came up to her when she was confident she could now work, "You can clean, right?" Miss Yuki asked, sitting down. Kokoro nodded. "I would send you out with one of the girls but I still need to see what you have to offer as a geisha. If geishas have lost prominence in your time then you probably are not all that good of a geisha by the standards of now. I just do not have the time to test you right now, sadly." Kokoro nodded. Kokoro went to stand to get to work before Miss Yuki stopped her. "Sit, I told you that I would help find your mother and this man of yours if I could, but I need to know what to look for." Kokoro smiled.

"I think it would be better to look for Matthew first, since he could help find my mother and he will be easier to find."

"That sounds like a pretty good idea." Miss Yuki said with a nod. "So what does he look like?"

"Well, he is very tall. He has a paler skin color than most people. He has brown hair. His eyes are green. And his Japanese is probably barely passable, since he is not Japanese and sometimes has trouble talking to me in the dialect that we are used to he is probably having some trouble with the new word used now." Miss Yuki nodded.

"When you say very tall…?" Kokoro stood to her feet and held her hand six inches above her head. "Alright, and how pale is his skin color?"

Kokoro sat back down, "Well it is a different tome I guess you could say. His is a lighter tone, pinkish brownish I guess. It is different from most people. He should stick out in a crowd."

"Well I will let the girls know to look for that."

"I thank you very much, ma'am." She bowed respectfully. "Now what is it that I should clean?"

"I will show you, follow me." Miss Yuki had Kokoro clean the whole building thoroughly, which took a few days, and was to keep it clean. Kokoro did this quite happily. When asked about why she was so happy about it she always cheerfully answered.

"The work is not very difficult if I keep my mind busy, and I do that by waiting for Matthew or my mother to be found! I have good food and a nice bed to sleep in, where as I could have none of that and be bored as well."

One day, after a month or so she was told that she would be going out with one of the girls as a geisha to see if she did well. She went out with an older, more experienced girl, Keiko, who was her age. Kokoro was definitely the tallest of the girls, as people were shorter back then, and she and Keiko got along well. That day while she and Keiko were out walking around town Keiko asked her a curious question. "Kokoro, the man we are keeping an eye out for is your lover right?" she asked quietly, as to keep others from eavesdropping.

"Define lover, Keiko." She responded with a smile.

"You are a virgin right?" Kokoro nodded slowly, embarrassed at the question. "So is your husband to be then?"

Kokoro shrugged, "I do not really know. I like him a lot, he makes me happy, and he is a protective and sweet guy. I cannot say that I have spent as much time with him as I would like, so I do not really know, plus he lives a long way away from me."

"But…"Keiko paused for a moment and stopped walking. Kokoro stopped and turned to her. "…if he were to ask you to marry him when you find him, would you say yes or no?"

Kokoro laughed a little, "I would hug him very tightly, and say wait a little longer to ask me again." Keiko began walking again. "But why do you ask?"

"It seems that you are closer to falling in love than any of the rest of us… I envy that. We can't have that and be a geisha here. You have a freedom that I would love to have, if a good man would come along and get me."

"I suppose you are right, but if that man did come along would you not choose him over this? I would. I probably will." Keiko smiled.

"So you have kissed him a lot right?" Kokoro smiled and nodded. "How does it make you feel? I mean what is it like to kiss someone you like and you know likes you so much?"

Kokoro giggled a little and looked at the sky to think how to word the answer, "It makes me weak in the knees. My heart beats harder and faster. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me be happy with my vulnerability. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel needed, necessary. It makes me feel like no one else can take me away or make me feel like that. I feel warm and happy in his arms. I feel at peace when I am in the same room as him. And most of all it makes him happy too and it makes us both happy that the other is happy with us." Keiko simply starred at Kokoro for a moment.

"And you want him back for that?"

"Well, yes I do, but there is more to it, I have learned. I miss him. I worry about him. I wonder if he is warm, if he is hungry, if he is hurt. I know he is out here somewhere, I know he is alive. I can feel it, no lie. I just want him next to me so that we can protect each other."

"You protect him?"

Kokoro laughed, "Men can do some really dumb things sometimes. I try to be with him so he either does not do them or if he gets hurt I can be with him to comfort him."

"Has that happened yet?" Kokoro shook her head. "I guess that is a good thing."

"Matthew is a bit different that a lot of men, I guess you could say. He is the same in many ways too, but he is different where he needs to be, how he makes me happy where the rest just do not. Love, and really most relationships in life, not just love, are give and take. I give, he gives, and we take what the other gives."

"He feels this way, too?"

"I think so." Keiko smiled.

"I'm happy that you have that."

"I am too. I just want to hurry up and find him." The two had been talking for a while and were in the market's busiest area when Keiko thought she saw a tall man in a cloak.

"Kokoro, look over there!" she said motioning in the direction of the figure. Kokoro seemed to have her attention consumed by this and pulled her companion in tow as she followed the figure through the streets until they saw it turn into an alley where Kokoro released her companion and shed her sandals so she could run faster. She sprinted as fast as her legs could carry her. When she turned into the alley, she saw that the figure was only about sixty or seventy feet in ahead of her so she decided to call out to it.

She hoped with all of her heart that it was who she thought it was, so she called out in plain English, almost yelling at the cloaked figure. "Matthew, I miss you! Come back to me! It is me, Kokoro! Don't you miss me?" The figure stopped quickly, but waited to turn for a moment. When it finally did, it was not Matthew, but a confused man on stilts.

"What are you yelling at me for? You mad woman, have you lost your mind?" Kokoro's heart broke, and she stepped back a few steps as the man turned back and continued on his way. Keiko had caught up to her and had her sandals. Kokoro nearly dropped to her knees, Keiko caught her before she could falter, but dropping the sandals.

"Let's go back. We are not too far away from home." Keiko said gently, her voice sad for her friend. The walk back was slow and Kokoro had to find some strength, she could not cry, not out in the open… not while being dressed as a geisha. The walk home was finally over, and it had begun to rain as they entered the threshold. Kokoro sorrowfully walked to her room, ignoring anyone along the way. Keiko explained what had happened to those who wondered what the matter was that had their friend and fellow geisha so sad looking.

Kokoro made it into her room, she closed the door behind her and noted that her hands, and the rest of her had started to tremble. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She wanted to cry her eyes out of her head. She finally allowed herself to banish all of her feigned strength, it did her no good anymore, and she fell to her knees and covered her face with her hands and the tears came forth. She could not remember if she had ever cried so hard and so quietly, this was not just sadness or disappointment, it was sorrow and hopelessness. She placed her all on the hope that the figure was Matthew, and on the first afternoon she was able to go out as a geisha, even as a test. It was supposed to be a good day, it was almost one of the happiest days of her life, but now she wanted the day to end. "And it is still the afternoon…" she whispered to herself among gasps for air and hot tears. She waited to cry herself to sleep but sleep, too, had stayed away. None of the women in the house dared go to her, none thought they could help. None understood her pain. Hours passed and the rain poured harder. Keiko finally went to check on her friend.

Keiko knocked on the door, "Kokoro, are you alright? Is there anything I can get you?" There was no response, so Keiko slid the door open a few inches to see how Kokoro was faring, or if she had hurt herself. But all she saw was a woman with her back against the wall, knees to her chest, face in her hands, and still sobbing hard and silently. Keiko considered going in, but did not know what to say or do so she closed the door and left with only a few words. "Kokoro, you will find him so do not give up." And she walked back to the rest of the girls to report what she had seen.

Kokoro had heard her friend, but was unable to do anything but cry. "Matthew, what I would not give to have your arms around me right now." was all she could think of, it circled her mind over and over and over. She did not tire or grow hungry. It was like time had stopped since her heart had broken. That is, until she suddenly stopped and stood up and walked outside to the threshold. The other girls simply looked in awe and pity at the broken Kokoro before them. Then came the knock on the door and all looked at the door.