Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters. I also don't own Fight Club... they both own me.
A/N: I must first thank the fabulous PerfectlyPersuasive for being my comma fairy and for encouraging me to keep going. Second, I have to thank each and every one of you for your reviews, and for adding this story to your favorite and alert lists. I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me that you're still sticking with my story. Third, many of you have discovered this already, but I posted the first chapter of this story from Jasper's point of view under the title Seven More Minutes. There will be more where that came from in the future... if you like. Now, without further ado...
As soon as we returned to school, Jasper went to his adviser and officially declared his major in History.
He was taking a ridiculous amount of credit hours, and even though he had most of his Gen-Ed credits taken care of, he still needed to catch up on history courses. Not to mention, that being in France had made him want to pick up a French minor.
As we got into the swing of the semester, I hardly saw him at all, and I was starting to wonder if he felt this way about me all the time. I spent a lot of time hitting the books over the course of our relationship, and the possibility entered my mind that he thought himself second place. Which, of course, was absurd. It was an internal struggle for me, between wanting to spend every moment of every day with the beautiful man I loved and wanting to get into a good med school.
I knew his added course load would be a hard adjustment; especially since, he had been filling his first two years of college with lower level courses. Not to mention he was trying to make a good impression on his professors. I thought he could handle it, though, because even after the first day he was gushing about some of the material he would be covering during the semester.
So, I didn't know what to think the third week of classes when I heard his shaky voice on the phone say the four worst words in the English language: "We need to talk."
I was a mess before he came over to my apartment. Bella had left to go to Jake's; though, she was clearly annoyed at the track I was surely wearing away in the carpet, pacing back and forth across the living room. She reminded me that Jasper loved me, and that she was 100% sure this wasn't a breakup talk. Even though her words rang true, it didn't stop me from repeatedly running my hands nervously through my hair.
When I heard the knock on the door, I had a moment where I considered not answering it, briefly buying into the "if I don't see it, it's not there" philosophy. He knew I was home, though, so I caved and gingerly pulled the door open.
He greeted me with kiss that spoke to me his love, but I was still concerned as he pulled me toward the sofa. He gestured for me to sit, and I complied, angling myself toward him.
"Before you say anything, please, please, don't flip out, Ed," were the first words that came out of his mouth.
"You're really worrying me here, Jasper."
"Let me preface this by saying that I love you. If there's anything I know with certainty, it's that I love you..."
"But? I sense a 'but,'" the panic started to rise in my voice.
He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm just going to say it - I think I need a break."
"A break," the words formed on my tongue, but I was stunned. What did that mean? How could he say that after just telling me that he loved me? He loved me but he wanted a break from me? Did he want to see other people? Even after the amazing summer we shared? We had been doing so well and had grown so close. I was approaching full blown panic when two hands appeared at either side of my face, holding me steady.
"Not to see other people, love. You're the only one I'll ever want, the thought of you with someone else..." he grimaced. "I just mean that I need some time for myself, to figure all of this shit out. To see if..."
In my moment of panic I hadn't noticed that he was crying. I had only seen him close to crying two other times in my life. I was the weepy one, but here there were tears streaming down his face.
Adonis was crying.
I threw my arms around him, pulling him close to me.
"To see what? I love you, whatever you say won't change that."
"To see if I know who I am without my identity being caught up in yours."
Even after a year and a half, he still felt inadequate. I worshiped the ground he walked on, and he didn't think he was worthy of me.
He continued, his head against my shoulder, his tears leaving damp spots on my shirt. "You've helped me so much, and I'm starting to get my shit together. But, I really- I need to see if I can do it on my own. I think our relationship is really strong now. I have no doubt about that at all... but, we have to make sure we don't stagnate individually."
I didn't say anything at first. I was having a hard time processing everything. I knew that this was obviously important to Jasper, so I stroked his hair gently, resolving myself to hear him out to try to understand why he wanted this. Though, I was quickly thinking of ways I could talk him out of it.
"I have a lot to catch up on and a lot of things I have to sort through about myself. I just- I don't want you to freak out over my distance while I'm getting my head together."
"Why would you-
He straightened and raised a hand to silence me. "I know you, Ed. I know you better than you know yourself. You'll freak out."
"I'm kind of freaking out now." I couldn't keep it in. If Jasper was being honest with me, I should be honest with him.
"Babe, hear me out, please. This is really important to me," his voice cracked.
I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts.
"I'm sorry. I know, Jasper, and I think I understand up to a point. I know you've had a hard time, deciding what you want to do, and that you had to watch me all this time knowing exactly what I want to be doing. You've been so amazing and supportive of me," I squeezed his hand tightly. "I just want to be able to be there for you in the same way. I want to understand why you don't want that."
Jasper took a deep breath and squeezed my hand back, using his other hand to wipe his eyes.
"You need to understand that I have never, ever resented you for knowing what you want to do with your life and pursuing it with such gusto. But, as I'm sure you suspected, I was a little jealous of you because you were so sure of yourself, so confident. I love that about you, but sometimes I wished I could be more like you. Now that things are starting to fall into place for me, and I have a lot of catching up to do, and I just want the chance to build that surety. To have something to back up my confidence. I know that you would support me in any way you could, but I'd still feel like I was feeding off you. I want the support I know you'll give me after I know I can do it on my own."
He paused and looked at me. I could feel my body tensing, but my silence was enough for him to get the rest out.
"You have your research fellowship, so you're going to be busy. Plus, I'm taking way too many credit hours. I don't want to feel guilty for not having a lot of time to spend with you, and I don't want you to feel guilty, either. I don't want spending time together to ever feel like an obligation."
My heart was still beating frantically; though rationally, I understood what he was saying. I started taking deep breaths, and sensing my increasing discomfort, Jasper started rubbing circles on my lower back.
When I caught my breath, I spoke, "But, you're not an obligation. I love you, I would spend every waking moment with you if I could."
Jasper smiled sadly at me.
"I know that, and you know I would, too. But- but, I have to know that I can do this on my own. That- that I can make it without needing... alcohol to rely on."
Oh. I hadn't considered that.
He continued. "And, I need to feel pride in myself. I need my family to be proud of me. I need you to be proud of me. Pride that's not just a result of your love for me."
I wanted to object that he could do all of that and still accept my daily support, but I was starting to understand. He had some demons to wrestle with that he had to conquer on his own. I didn't want to, but I loved him, so I had to accept it. And then he said something that solidified it for me.
"You'll- you'll wait for me, won't you?" his voice was so timid and shy, my heart almost broke.
I had seen Jasper vulnerable on more than one occasion, but I had never seen him look so, well, so scared.
"Oh, Jasper, of course. Of course, I'll wait for you, baby," because it wasn't even a choice.
Then, I realized something. The truth was, I would wait for Jasper until the end of my life if that's what it took. I'd go to the ends of the earth for this man. I didn't have his sweet words to tell him so, but I tried, saying the first thing that popped into my head.
"I can wait forever if you will."
"Did you just quote Air Supply?"
I had been caught. "It doesn't make the words any less true."
"I know it's worth it all, to spend my life alone with you," he recited back, but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he felt the truth ringing through my guilty pleasure song.
Our relationship was for the long haul.
Even though I had agreed to a break, I needed to know his conditions.
"How much of a break do you mean?" I said, failing to mask the resignation in my voice.
"Well, I was thinking that we should at least get together once a week or something, maybe at weekly dinner with the rest of the group, so we can at least get caught up on what's going on."
"That's it?" my voice was meek. "So, we'll go back to being friends of friends?"
"You are my soul mate, Edward. We'll never just be friends. Think of it more like... a fast."
"A fast?"
"Certain Buddhist monks view fasting as a "dhutanga" practice that's ultimately supposed to be invigorating. They adopt fasting to purify their bodies and clarify their thoughts. They practice self-control and attain high levels of spirituality, so ultimately they're better for it, more grounded."
I pondered this for a moment, and had to admit that if I looked at it that way, it didn't sound as terrible. Yet, it still meant that I would be alone.
The despair must have been written all over my face.
"Ed?" he asked.
I nodded, trying to hold the tears back.
"If you ever, ever, feel even an inkling of a panic attack, call me. I won't let my shit get in the way of that. Please, call if you need me, and I'll be here at your side in a heartbeat."
That set off the waterworks.
He held me on the couch for the rest of the evening and eventually tucked me into bed.
He didn't stay.
The next morning my eyes were so red and scratchy from crying that there was no hiding what happened from Bella. She was a little mad at Jasper for springing it on me, but she admitted that she understood where he was coming from.
"Look at you," she said. "You're good at everything. It has to be difficult for him to think he belongs with you."
"You don't think he really feels that way, do you?"
Bella shrugged.
"You don't feel that way, do you?"
She hesitated.
"You and Jasper of all people should know how flawed I am! I'm anxious. I'm moody. I'm kind of a nerd. Other than running, I'm not really athletic. I'm a terrible speller. I tell really bad jokes."
Bella laughed and gave me a hug.
"But you've got to admit," she smiled. "You look good on paper."
I couldn't help but worry about the way Jasper saw me, though.
Anyway, those first few days gave me a lot of time to think about our relationship.
People always seemed to want to know who the dominant one in our relationship was, who wore the proverbial pants, if you will. It annoyed me to no end; it's not as if every gay relationship has to be a stereotype. We were both a mixture of masculine and feminine Jasper, of course, had his shopping habit and knew more about both men's and women's fashion than any straight man ever would. I even made the discovery one day when I was looking for a lost sock that Jasper had a stash of Vogues, both the U.S. version and the French version, under his bed. I jokingly referred to it as his porn collection.
On the other hand, I was pretty certain if a stranger had to pick out one of us as gay, it would be me. I was much more domestic out of the two of us. I cooked. I cleaned, and I even ironed Jasper's dress shirts for him. I liked art and classical music, which people sometimes mistakenly associated as a feminine quality. But, neither of us screamed stereotype.
When it came to our relationship, Jasper was definitely more romantic of the two of us, but I was easily the more emotional. I blamed Jasper for bringing out all of my emotions, but the truth was I actually did cry a lot when I was younger. I just didn't have anyone to cry to, except for Alice. Jasper was so good at reading my moods that he could always pull me out of funks. He was always willing to talk things out, and he could make me melt with his words.
The only way I seemed capable of showing him any romance was with my touch, directing the spark of electricity that seemed to run between us.
Our sexual relationship seemed to be the opposite of the rest of our relationship. When it came to slow, passionate making love, I usually topped for Jasper. He was so good at showing me how much he loved me apart from the physical, it was almost as if, sex was the only way I adequately could. But when it came to fast, hard, dominating fucking, well, that was the way Jasper usually took me. I didn't know if it was a reflection of him feeling like I was more dominant in the rest of our relationship. Because despite my housekeeping skills, I was in the more "breadwinner" role career-wise, but I hoped not.
When it came down to it, the truth was, we were partners.
I wondered if that wasn't the way Jasper saw it.
The first few weeks passed in a blur. I was so busy with my research internship and classes that I didn't have a lot of extra time. So I plugged away, getting up in the morning going to school, going to the lab, coming home, doing homework.
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.
I thought I was doing all right given the circumstances, but I obviously wasn't hiding it as well as I imagined. One evening the second week, or maybe the third, Alice came over for dinner, and she and Bella sat me down, calling me out on my behavior, or lack there of.
"You're a zombie," Bella said.
"I'm getting all my work done. What more do you want?" was the best reply I could come up with.
Then, it was Alice's turn.
"Don't get mad at me for saying this," she prefaced.
I narrowed my eyes at my twin, but then I saw her expression and resigned.
"I promise," I said.
"Jasper loves you. He wants to be a better man for you. He's doing this for himself, yes, but ultimately it's for the betterment of your relationship."
I nodded, because she was right.
I was being selfish, and I knew it.
"Maybe... I don't know," she continued. "You could take this as an opportunity to do something for yourself, too. Not with work or school or anything, but take up a hobby or spend more time with your sister and your best friend."
"Hint, hint," Bella broke in.
Alice smiled and continued, "Something to get you out of the house and out of this moping phase."
I scooted across the couch and gave her a hug, and then Bella came and threw her arms around both of us.
"And, if I hear 'Pictures of You' one more time, I'm gonna kill you," Bella added.
I shook my head at her dislike of The Cure, but vowed to make an effort to spend more time with both of them.
We established a movie night every Sunday, just the three of us, which mostly ended up in us talking about our respective boyfriends. I officially knew way more about Jake and Seth than I ever wanted to, but it was fun to dish about Jasper, even though it always made me wistful when I had to make everything in the past tense. Bella was as horrified as Alice was impressed when I told them Jasper and my forays into public sex acts.
When I told them the Seattle Art Museum story, Alice shrieked with laughter.
"You did not tell some stranger to pay for the peep show!"
"Oh, I did, and had he stuck around a minute longer he would have gotten the money shot."
"Who knew it would take getting a blow job in a public bathroom for you to grow a pair," she shook her head.
I started getting used to being a third, sometimes fifth, and once even a seventh wheel. It was high school all over again, all my friends paired off, and I alone. The difference now, though, was that I knew what I was missing, so every stolen glance, every caress, every hug, every kiss I witnessed was increasingly more painful. I could hardly stand to be around Emmett and Rosalie, but I did my best to hide it.
One of the things I did truly enjoy, however, was spending more time with Seth. I had hesitated at first because of Alice's terrible track record with boyfriends, but he was starting to become like the kid brother I never had. The two of us started running together in the mornings at the school's track, and I noticed that my times were starting to improve, almost to my speeds in high school, because of the way he pushed me. One afternoon, I met him on campus for a late lunch when he informed me that he had to go take a few photos of the latest donation to the music department for the school's paper. He asked if I wanted to tag along, and I readily agreed. I had a two hour break before my last class of the day and didn't feel like doing any work.
It turns out that the donation was in the form of two beautiful Steinway grand pianos.
The music director had already been interviewed by one of the paper's reporters, but he stayed to chat with Seth and me after letting us into the room. Once he found out that I had been playing the piano since I was 5 years old, he implored me to sit down and try out the instrument.
"Really? This piano cost more than a year's worth of rent."
"They were donated to be used in performance, not as objets d'art," he replied. "Go ahead, son."
I sat down before the beautiful black and ivory keys, pausing to give him one last chance to object. Seeing the director's eagerness, I closed my eyes and put my fingers to the keys. Since the only time I played anymore was on my parent's piano, I assumed I would be a bit rusty. But, it all came pouring back, and Chopin started flowing from my fingertips.
When I opened my eyes, Seth's jaw was hanging open and the music director had a smile on his face.
"That was lovely," he said to me.
"I didn't know you could play the piano!" Seth exclaimed. "That was awesome."
"You know, there are practice rooms in this building for students to sign out. You should keep up with your practicing."
"Thanks," I said sheepishly, both for the praise and for being scolded about not practicing. It was like piano lessons all over again. Though, I had forgotten how good it felt to play. I decided to take him up on the offer and come back to the practice rooms sometime.
Gaining a new friend in Seth helped. I had also met up with Angela a few times since returning state side. She and Bella were actually in two of the same classes this semester and hit it off without my having to introduce them.
Even though I did appreciate my new and old friends taking me under their wings and trying to distract me from the gaping absence from my life, it still didn't remotely fill the hole. Seeing him once a week just wasn't enough. I almost gave in a few times and was going to call him because I couldn't bear to spend the night alone, but I was able to stop myself. In one weak moment about a month into the break, I almost feigned a panic attack. But that was low, even for me, so I decided that I should keep the communication ball in his court.
One Thursday night in mid-October, I got a phone call from him.
"Jasper?"
Silence.
"Jasper, is everything okay?"
"Ed..." his voice was at a whisper.
"Jasper what's wrong?"
"Can you come over?" his voice sounded like gravel.
I was out the door before he finished the question.
"I'm on my way."
I knocked on the door and it swung open.
The man before me barely registered to me as Jasper. His hair was in complete disarray. He looked almost feral. He grabbed my hands and pulled me down to the couch.
Then I smelled alcohol.
"I'm so sorry," were the first words out of his mouth.
"Don't apologize to me, love," I whispered. "Why don't you explain what happened?"
He nodded sadly.
"It was just too much, midterms, papers, all the reading I'm getting behind on. I haven't been working out regularly. I have no social life to speak of other than when Alice and Seth drag me out of the house. So, when Paul called and asked me to come over to watch the Thursday night game, I thought it couldn't hurt. And at first I didn't have anything to drink, I just wanted to watch the game and relax a little."
He trailed off and put his head in his hands.
"And, then, Paul's girlfriend Rachel came over and was celebrating her LSAT results, and she poured everyone a shot of whiskey... and I refused at first, I did... but then it was in front of me, and- and..."
His eyes still wild in their expression.
"I've been so good. I've made it seven months, and I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to drink. I didn't feel pressure to drink. They're my friends. They don't care if I do or not. It was just like- like I knew I was going to, so I just gave in. And, I couldn't stop at just one."
I didn't feel qualified to deal with this based on the four classes I had taken toward my psychology minor, but he needed me. I needed to make him feel better about himself, so I crawled onto his lap, straddling him but sitting back at his knees.
"I know that you are okay being around people drinking and not feeling pressured to join, so I don't think that's it."
He idly began to trace circles on my knee with his left hand.
"I don't think it is either," he whispered. "I think it's just easier to blame the booze than to blame myself."
"Baby, don't beat yourself up too much. It's not easy taking on everything you're doing. You can't try so hard for everything to be perfect or come easy. There's always going to be setbacks. You just have to learn from them and move on. Not to mention, when you put yourself down, you're talking about the man I love, and no one talks to my Jasper that way."
"When did you become so wise?" he teased, reaching up to brush a hair out of my face.
"You know I test at genius levels," I smirked.
He raised an eyebrow. "Genius, huh?"
I nodded.
In a sudden whirlwind of movement, I was being lifted and flipped onto my back onto the couch. Then, Jasper's body became like a cage, locking my legs in place with his and holding my wrists together above my head with one of his hands.
"All right, genius," his smile was positively wicked. "Get out of this."
I did the only thing I could and raised my hips up to meet his. I didn't know if this was okay, part of the break included a break from our physical relationship, but the way he was positioned on top of me, I just couldn't help it.
"Ed," he implored me, letting go of my wrists, not knowing what the right thing to do in this situation was.
I was horny and reduced once again to jerking off in the shower for release, if he was looking at me to stop then he was barking up the wrong tree. I grabbed his ass and held him steady as I continued to rub against him, thrusting my hips upward. The denim was getting in my way, so I unbuttoned his khakis and pushed them down below his hips. I unbuttoned my own jeans and pushed them down as Jasper unbuttoned my shirt, but I couldn't wait for any further clothing removal before rubbing up against him again.
My need was immediate. I couldn't stop. My one track mind took over.
Need friction.
Need Jasper's friction.
Need to feel Jasper's body against mine.
Need Jasper to consume me.
I was desperate at this point, and I forced the weight of his body down on mine as I continued to essentially dry-hump him into oblivion. His lips attacked my neck. Normally I would have pushed him to a less visible part of my body to leave his marks.
But, I didn't care.
I wanted him to consume me, and I was more than willing to appreciate the irony and take that literally.
His needs were secondary to me at this point, so I was startled when I heard a familiar growl in my ear.
"Can't hold it in," he managed to get out.
"Let go," I hissed back. "Cum, baby."
I was holding onto to him so tightly, I could almost feel his orgasm rip through him, which forced mine out of me almost violently, spraying into my boxer shorts. His body collapsed onto mine. I couldn't have moved him off of me if I wanted to, so I just wrapped my arms around him and tried to commit the feeling of his body on mine to memory.
Eventually, my body began to grow numb, and, reluctantly, I had to move. He sighed sadly and got off me. I could tell we both feel the loss when we had to break contact. I tried to gather myself together.
"We're still on a break?" I said, raising my voice at the end to make it into a question as I buttoned my shirt.
"It's important to me, Ed," his voice was serious.
"I know, Jazz. I think it's important for both of us."
He smiled at me then and whispered, "You never call me 'Jazz'."
It was Jasper's childhood nickname and what Jasper's family still called him, and, somehow, I never felt like it was my place to use it. Just like I never called Rosalie by 'Rose.'
"Do you mind?"
He shook his head, "I love it."
After a quick clean up and a wistful kiss goodbye, I left Jasper's apartment and walked back over to my own. When I got there, Bella and Jake were curled up together on the couch, watching a movie. They looked so sweet together, his large frame gently cradling her in his arms as she leaned against his chest. I knew they had their problems in the past, but they always worked through them. It was only then that I really understood that the break was temporary. It seemed terrifying and surreal before, but I knew that Jasper would find his way.
It was just going to take time.
The weeks trudged on, and I tried my best to keep my head up.
I still saw Jasper once a week when we all got together for dinner.
Bella and I had started cooking those dinners together instead of competing, and it was fun to share the kitchen with her. We would sometimes criticize each other's chopping or sautéing methods. I secretly wondered if Bella thought I was a better cook than she, because she seemed to take great pleasure in telling me when there was a better way to do what I was doing.
Both, because of the time I got to spend with Bella and because that was the only day of the week I was able to see Jasper, I started looking forward to those days more than any other.
After that night at his apartment, I couldn't completely refrain from affection when Jasper was in my presence. We would hold hands at the table, and he would always kiss me good-bye and tell me he loved me. It was the epitome of bittersweet.
But, my nights were lonely.
I wasn't sleeping well, at all.
I would toss and turn.
I would think about Jasper and miss the delicious feeling of his body against mine.
I would worry about him.
I understood why he needed the break, I really did. He knew I loved him. He knew I would protect him. I think he knew that I would always need him. What I wasn't sure was if he knew that, I would always support him in whatever he did, on whatever path his life would take.
He was so used to being a disappointment. Even though I know his parents probably never once uttered the word "disappointment" to him, but he knew what their expectations for their children were. More importantly, he knew that he didn't fit those expectations.
So, I would lie in my bed and stare up at the ceiling, wondering how I could show Jasper how proud I was of the man he had become. To show him that it didn't require "accomplishments" or a "good job," or any of the things he felt his parents pushed him toward. I needed to show him that he made me want to always be better, and despite my own self-assurance, I still needed to feel worthy of him, too.
I was lousy at this sort of thing.
And, it kept me up at night.
I couldn't stand being in the quiet apartment when I couldn't sleep, and because I didn't want to bother Bella with noise, I started going to campus late at night. The music director gave me a key to one of the practice rooms at the music building, so I could go in and play when the department office wasn't open. Unfortunately, I didn't have access to the beautiful grand pianos. Though, the upright in the practice room was in tune and I developed a good rapport with it.
It felt good to rejoin with that part of myself that I had let slip away. If there could be a bright spot during our break, it was that reconnection with my old hobby. I had hated being forced into piano lessons as a kid; though, they were more tolerable than the ballroom dancing lessons. But, there was something that happened when I played the piano. The rest of the world vanished, andI could get lost in making the notes come to life. Though, I almost always had music playing around me, there was something different about creating it. It was probably the only time that I could get Jasper out of my head.
It helped me to remember that there was more than school and relationships. It made me think that maybe there was something to Jasper's worry that his identity was caught up in mine and my identity caught up with his. It was possible that I was starting to lose myself as well. Playing the piano at 3 o'clock in the morning made me realize that I needed the time for myself to tap into my creativity that I had let go dormant. Maybe, our relationship was lacking in balance.
Maybe, I was lacking in balance.
It was an epiphany of sorts.
Even so, it didn't make the insomnia go away.
If anything, it made it worse.
On the bright side, I wasn't moping anymore, and I was surprisingly functioning.
The first month I slept poorly, but after our brief reunion, I started only sleeping about 3 or 4 hours a night.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep it up.
It was a two-way street.
On the one hand, the lack of sleep left me sort of high, which in turn helped me cope a little with the loss of the other part of me that made me whole.
On the other hand, it was almost as if my body was trying to punish me, making our break seem longer by not letting me pass it in a timeless state of unconsciousness for 8 hours every night.
By the time Thanksgiving break rolled around, I had determined that I had not gotten more than 4 hours of sleep in a single night in 38 days.
I remembered the line in Fight Club where the main character said that when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake.
That's exactly how I felt.
Even with the amount of time spent at Jake's, Bella knew I wasn't sleeping much. My twin could also tell by the dark circles under my eyes, but because I wasn't acting depressed or distraught by it they eventually stopped nagging and trying to give me sleeping pills and melatonin. I knew Jasper's distance wasn't my fault per se, but I still felt like this was penance.
Thanks to coffee and B12, I was able to stay alert during my classes, and dexterous enough to do my lab work for my internship, but I could see myself getting a lot clumsier. One evening, Bella refused to let me chop vegetables for a stir fry because she was afraid I would cut myself.
Then, for Thanksgiving break, when Alice, Emmett and I all drove back to Forks together they both refused to let me drive, even though we took my Volvo.
I was hoping that being at home would cause enough disturbance to my brain that it would help me sleep. I always slept well in my old bed, in the dark and quiet that could only be found in a small town.
Wednesday night, I slept six hours and only woke up once during that time.
It felt like an eternity.
Then, at 5 a.m. Jasper overtook my thoughts, and I gave up on sleeping late.
We were having Thanksgiving with just the five of us this year. My mom's family lived on the other side of the country, and my dad's brother lived over seas. Seth was spending Thanksgiving with his family as well as the Swans and the Blacks down in La Push, and the Hales were hosting all their extended family and close friends that lived in the area. I was certain that Seth and Rosalie would eventually wind up here before the evening was out.
I tried not to be bitter for my happy siblings.
I was only borderline successful.
Thanksgiving was always one of my favorite holidays. We never had a plain old traditional meal. My mom and I would take the opportunity to try out ridiculous gourmet recipes. Alice would over-decorate the table with an elaborate centerpiece, and Emmett and dad would stay out of our way. We'd eat our midday meal on fine china and drink good wine.
This year was no different. My mother had the crazy idea of making goose along with mushroom and wild rice stuffed acorn squash, orange and honey-glazed carrots, a green bean and fennel salad, and sweet potato pie for dessert. My mom and I cooked and baked all morning, while Alice sat at the counter doing something with a hot glue gun and leaves. Conversation was easy, and my mom and my sister were kind enough to steer the conversation away from boys and relationships.
We sat around the table around 1, but before we could eat, it was my mother's tradition to force us to say what we were thankful for this year. Fortunately, it was Emmett's tradition to say something horribly raunchy to ruin the tradition. Last year he was thankful that I had finally gotten laid.
I don't know why mom let him start this year.
Luckily, I wasn't Emmett's target this time. "I'm thankful that Alice finally has a steady boyfriend, so I don't have to be worried about catching something when I use her bathroom."
Alice shrieked and smacked Emmett across the chest. I caught my dad's eye, and we both cracked up. I could even see my mom's shoulders shaking as she tried to hold it back.
Eventually, she composed herself, or so I thought.
"So, it's going to be one of those years is it?" my mother smirked. She actually smirked. "Well, then I'm thankful that your father cut back some of his evening hours at the hospital so the two of us can really enjoy our empty nest."
Emmett spit the sip of wine he had just taken back into his glass.
"Mom!" he whined.
Alice stood and leaned across Emmett to give mom a high five.
"My turn?" I raised an eyebrow as I scanned across my family, receiving consent. "Well, I'm thankful that I've now had sex in three countries and over international waters, so I finally have bragging rights over Emmett for something that he actually cares about."
Emmett shook his head sadly, and this time, my dad gave me a high five. Then, it was his turn.
"I'm thankful that even after 24 years, Esme still enjoys performing fellatio," my dad said matter of factly.
My mom winked across the table.
Emmett just about choked.
I probably should have been weirded out by the turn our giving thanks had taken, but I had already walked in on my sister having sex and witnessed every other possible kind of PDA from Emmett and Rosalie over the past four years. And, I obviously wasn't shy about showing Jasper affection. I was happy that my parents still had a physical relationship.
Alice cleared her throat.
"Well, I'm thankful that Seth is hung and knows how to use it. Because I really like him, and I wouldn't want that to be the deal-breaker."
Emmett's mouth dropped open, my dad shook his head, and my mom just sat there laughing.
"Alice for the win!" I shouted, and I reached across the table for a twin fist-bump.
After that, there was nowhere for the conversation to go except up out of the gutter, so we tucked into the meal and talked about past Thanksgivings, the pending bowl games and NFL playoffs, and how all of our school work was coming along. Emmett was student teaching this year, so he had some interesting stories about the inner city high school students he had gotten to know. The stories of what some of those kids had to go through were heartbreaking, and I could see that even Emmett's eyes were misty as he shared their stories.
After the meal, Emmett and dad were in charge of cleaning up, so the three of us settled in to watch the second football game of the day. Mom, Alice and I appreciated the stereotype reversal.
We stayed together as a family in the living room. The game was a blowout, so we put in a sappy holiday movie and watched it together. Emmett and I couldn't refrain from mocking it, and Alice kept yelling at us to knock it off until Emmett decided that he was hungry again and went into the kitchen for leftovers. I accompanied him, if just to get away from the feel-goodery.
"Do you think goose tastes as good in a sandwich as turkey?" Emmett asked.
I grabbed the goose meat from Emmett and went to work making him a goose panini with sautéed mushrooms and peppers.
I decided to forgo self-control and sat down with him to eat another piece of sweet potato pie.
"Knock, knock," I heard a familiar voice as the front door opened with Rosalie's arrival.
"In here, babe," Emmett called from the kitchen, his mouth full of sandwich.
Rosalie waltzed into the kitchen and jumped into Emmett's arms. I could sense their affection taking a more private turn, so I cleared my throat loudly. They both turned to look at me sheepishly, but I knew it was more out of pity than shame.
I didn't say anything, but looked at Rosalie expectantly. She knew what my inquisitive expression was for and she answered me with my having to ask.
"He's doing okay, I think. He was going to have a talk with dad about a few things as I was leaving. He said to tell you that he might need to call you later,"
I nodded and made sure my phone was on in my pocket.
Alice had overheard my conversation with Rosalie as she flitted into the kitchen. She gave Rosalie a hug, but then turned to me and put a hand on my arm.
"It's going to be soon, Eddie, I just know it."
My parents joined us in the kitchen and began to ask Rosalie how her Thanksgiving was and how her family was doing. I didn't want to hear it, so I slipped out of the room. I planned to go upstairs and mope in my old bedroom with some of my sad bastard music, but there was a knock on the front door before I got halfway up the stairs. I came back down and pulled it open, revealing Seth. He was toting a few containers of Tupperware, one of which contained a giant slice of pecan pie that he handed to me.
"Bella saved it for you. She said it was your favorite," I smiled at him and nodded. It was my favorite, but I knew that's not why Bella sent it. She knew that I would be sad and had Seth bring it to me to cheer me up.
Resigning myself to tolerate my family awhile longer, I led Seth into the kitchen. I tuned out the round of questions Seth received until everyone piled into the living room for more, sappy holiday movies. I didn't want to mope, and I loved being able to spend time with my family. I just didn't feel whole. But, I thought about how kind my family had been to me all day, everyone carefully danced around things that would remind me about the break. So, I decided I could put off my moping until everyone went to bed. Instead, I went to the freezer and pulled out some vanilla ice cream, adding a huge dollop to the slice of Bella's decadent pecan pie still in the Tupperware, grabbed a fork, and headed to join them. Was I comfort eating? Yes. Did I care? No.
Seth was sitting in an arm chair with Alice curled up on his lap. Rosalie and Emmett were practically lying on top of each other on the love seat. My parents were snuggled together under a blanket on one end of the couch. So, I took the other end of the couch, and got up close and personal with my favorite baked good.
My mom had chosen to watch a movie about a bunch of grown children coming home for Christmas, and I was pleasantly surprised, when I realized I was getting into it.
Then, there was a knock on the front door.
"Who would be calling so late?" My mom questioned.
Everyone else looked so comfortable, paired off as they were, that I agreed to answer the door.
I swung it open, and there he stood.
His eyes were red and puffy, and I figured that he probably had a heart to heart with his father. When he changed his major initially he didn't tell his parents. Rosalie was going to be an engineer, and I think he thought they would be disappointed that he was going into the humanities. It wasn't a "real" job to them. It wasn't something tangible. By the tears, I knew that there were still some lingering issues with his sexuality and our relationship that had probably also come out in the talk. Even behind the redness, the expression in his grey-blue orbs told me that it was okay, and he had never been more beautiful to me. Despite how much it hurt being away from him, maybe without him ever really realizing it, I loved him so much.
He threw his arms around me.
Lips were on mine.
I pulled away. I needed to know what this meant.
"No more break?" I asked.
"No more break," he confirmed.
Never mind my family in the next room, my Adonis was mine once again. I pressed myself up against him, snaking my arms under his coat and wrapping them around his waist. I needed to be close to him, to touch him and make sure he was real. Just the feel of him so close sent my hormones raging, and the blood in my body rushed to my crotch. I was grinding roughly into him and he reciprocated, thoroughly, denim against denim.
I could hear footsteps approaching.
"Who is it dear? Oh!"
We turned, and there stood my mom, wrapped in a blanket, staring at us red faced.
"Jasper! It's nice to see you, dear," she managed to compose herself enough to say. "I'll just leave the two of you to your reunion. Perhaps you'd like to go down to the basement, for privacy?"
I loved my mom.
We both nodded, unable to speak without laughing, and hurried down to the basement. As soon as we reached the bottom of the stairs, we both cracked up.
"Did your mom just tell us to have sex?"
I laughed. "I think she did."
"I'll try not to let that spoil the mood," Jasper growled.
He tackled me onto one of the sofas, continuing the grinding motion we had started upstairs, this time horizontally. We tore off our clothes quickly. We were careless and frantic. Relearning the parts of his body I loved and all his erogenous zones would have to wait for some other time.
I wasn't trying to cling to him or hold on to him this time. I knew he was mine, and I needed him to fuck me. I needed to connect with him on the most basic level, so we could build on that essential foundation.
I couldn't help but laugh when he pulled a bottle of lube out of his pocket, always the Eagle Scout, always prepared.
I got on my knees on the couch and let my upper body rest on the back and Jasper stood behind me. Entering me as quickly as he would allow himself to without hurting me, and then he pounded into me.
It was a quickie in every sense of the word. Before I knew it, I was spilling into his hand that was reaching around me. Jasper came moments later, and I smiled, knowing that he had been holding back so that I could climax first.
I felt a weight lift off me afterward and relaxed contentedly back into Jasper's arms as he sunk down into the couch.
I was sure that no one would dare come downstairs until one of us surfaced, but even so, I pulled my boxers back on. I lay back down on the couch, pressed back against Jasper's chest as he held me. I was trying to slow my fluttering heart rate as I lazily scanned the room. When my eyes landed on the closet door I started laughing.
"Mmm..." Jasper said, his lips were pressed against my shoulder, so his voice was muffled.
"Remember that closet?"
He pulled his head back and laughed at me. Then, he sat us both up.
"You know, I think we owe that closet seven minutes."
He grabbed my hand and pulled me, this time toward the closet.
We made out like teenagers against holiday decorations and old coats.
It lasted a lot longer than seven minutes, but assuredly, it was heaven.
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I have a couple more entries in my head that I may submit... I need to find another way for Charlie to get laid...