A/N: Whoo, I actually banged this out in one week! No guarantees the next chapter will go so smoothly, though. Anyway, first I want to once more extend my thanks to the reviewers. You are the wind beneath my wings. Second... Let's dive in, shall we?
Disclaimer: Kung Fu Panda belongs to Dreamworks.
Chapter 34: All You See, I Owe to Spaghetti
"So you come from a family of lemon farmers?" Shifu dropped down heavily into his usual seat at the kitchen table, watching as Lin rummaged around in the cabinets, undoubtedly for something sweet. "Why don't you eat more lemons, then?"
"I can't believe that was the first question outta your mouth," she shot back over her shoulder. "What, so I'm supposed to freaking love lemons 'cause my family grows 'em? You think I sweat limoncello or something? Get outta my sight."
"There is no need to overreact," he huffed, glaring at her back. He was a little surprised by how defensive she'd gotten, but then again he already knew that she didn't harbor much fondness for her family. He had to admit, though, the fact that she'd grown up on a lemon orchard was rather fitting.
"Anyway," she continued as she emerged from the cabinets with an armful of various ingredients, "like I was saying, I was number six outta eight kids. While normally people just name their kids by the order they were born in, my parents decided not to- I don't think they were planning on having a whole bunch of us, but my mother turned out to be more fertile 'an they thought."
"What is your real name?" he interrupted again, and he could tell she was annoyed by it.
"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," she replied, then went about looking for utensils with which to cook whatever she happened to be making.
"But you don't," he pointed out. "Smell sweet, I mean. You smell more like... Dirt." He realized as he spoke that what he'd said could possibly be construed as insulting, though he hadn't meant it that way.
"It's the ink." She set a pan on the stove, then pulled out her knife and a cutting board. "The ink I use, it smells like dirt."
"It's not a bad smell," he assured her, though he doubted it would do much good. "I mean, I am sure that not everyone likes it, but people have different taste..." He trailed off, horrified by how much deeper he was digging himself.
"You really know how to turn on the charm," she grumbled sarcastically, her knife hitting the cutting board with a loud thwack as she cut through an orange.
"I didn't mean it like that," he tried to save himself. "I like the smell of dirt. Well, not necessarily dirt dirt, but... I like the way you smell." He blushed, embarrassed; he couldn't have sounded more awkward if he'd tried.
"Yeah, yeah," she huffed, which was a good sign; she was probably flattered but didn't want to admit it. "So back to my story. I was one of eight- now bear with me, I'm gonna tellya everyone's names in case I gotta use 'em. There was Giuliano, my older brother, then Gia- Gia was the one I toldya about, the one I liked. After her was Maria, then Rosa- those two were born really close together, less 'an a year apart. Then there was Bianca- pure evil, by the way, and if you ever met her you'd agree- then me, then my little brother Lorenzo and last was Mimi, who died from scarlet fever. My father was Nunzio- terrible temper, but he was hardly ever around anyway- and my mother, the nasty high-strung bitch, she was Benedetta. And my grandmother, her name was Francesca, but we all called her Nonna. Obviously, that means grandma. You following?"
"Not in the least," he admitted.
"That's okay, you'll catch up." She moved on to slicing some ginger. "Everyone worked, no exceptions. I started out picking lemons, stuff like that, but I was hopelessly clumsy growing up. I had no real knack for sewing, I was just plain lazy at cleaning, and every time I went into town for something I got distracted. Cooking, however, I took to naturally. That was usually Nonna's territory, but she decided to teach me the ropes, and I ended up spending most of my time in the kitchen with her. She was a horrible, mean old woman, but she liked me. I think she used to be a lot like me, before life wore her down." She sounded rather sad, speaking about her grandmother, but Shifu couldn't think of what to say to attempt to comfort her. "Anyway," she moved on before he had a chance to say anything, "I spent most of my time in the kitchen when I was little, but as I got older I was allowed to go into town for some of the shopping. That was when I met Vino."
"Yes, I remember you mentioning your inebriated friend." He knew it was strange to disapprove of someone she'd known years ago, but he couldn't help himself. "Is this when you talk about your childhood romance?"
She turned around to give him a confused look over her shoulder. "Ew, Vino was my dad's age," she clarified.
"Then what were you doing hanging around with him?" He realized after asking such a question that he sounded like a concerned parent, and shut his mouth quickly before anything else embarrassing came out of it.
"Calm yourself, Gramps." She seemed to be making some type of dough as she spoke, though he couldn't for the life of him identify what it actually was. "Vino was kinda like... I dunno, like an uncle or something. His family ran a vineyard, but he decided to follow his dream instead of taking over the family business. I always looked up to him for that. Anyway, he taught me a lotta stuff- and not just about printmaking. He taught me how to read and write, too. And he used to call me Pianticella, 'cause I was so much tinier 'an him. He was half-wolf, and even considering that he was big. Not fat, but big." She lit the stove as she spoke and spooned her dough into the dry pan and began stirring it with her wooden spoon. "I liked the nickname a lot, actually. It made me feel... I dunno, as if someone expected something outta me, for once. Like maybe I could be like a seed and grow up into something great, y'know?" She paused to lean down and check on her flame, then apparently decided that it was sufficient. "Ah, that sounds stupid."
"No, it doesn't sound stupid at all." He understood very well what she meant- he supposed she had been right when she'd said they were more alike than they realized.
"Thanks." She didn't look at him, but he could tell that she was blushing. "So that was pretty much my childhood. My whole family except my grandmother hated me, and the only person who was ever nice to me was a middle-aged alcoholic. Then, when I was fourteen, everything changed. Nonna died." She dumped her still-raw dough out of her pan and back into the bowl, then threw the orange she had sliced, her chopped ginger, sugar, and water into the hot pan. "When she started getting sickly, she told me, 'Life ain't fun. But we keep trying to survive 'cause of instinct. I don't wanna die, but I sure as hell am gonna enjoy the rest.' After she died, though, I didn't really have anyone left in the family to rely on. My parents wanted me gone, and they managed to find someone to marry me off to within a couple of months."
"And I am guessing this was the engagement you told me about." He watched as she poured oil into a pot and began heating that; he normally would have protested to her frying up dough and covering it in syrup (he assumed that was what she had planned), but he could see that she was deeply bothered by having to discuss her past. Besides, it smelled amazing.
"You bet," she confirmed grimly. "Y'see, my parents didn't have much to offer in the way of dowry or status when it came to marrying off their daughters. But they did have one bargaining chip. The women in my family were known for their looks- the most beautiful women for miles around. All my sisters were gorgeous, and any man in his right mind woulda chewed his own leg off to have a chance with one of 'em. All except me, that is. Compared to them, short and fluffy with one goofy fang wasn't exactly appealing. So as far as suitors went, I was kinda lacking. However, my cousin Marco was getting a little older and needed a wife fast, so he could have a son to take over his family business. And he loved my cooking."
"Family business?"
"He was a merchant." She ripped a piece of dough from the bowl rather violently, a low growl entering her voice. "A bottom-feeding, money-grubbing slime the likes of which the world should never see."
Shifu was fairly sure that he'd discovered the source of Lin's hatred for merchants. "Are you... alright?"
"I'm fine," she snapped, clearly lying. "I just get angry, is all. The man saw everything as a commodity, a possession- including me. He was too much of a sleaze for any woman with real wealth or status, so my parents figured he was perfect for me. Well, my guess is that they figured anyone who'd take me at all was perfect. Not to mention I'd be outta their hair, since Marco was planning a trip to China, to make his fortune or something dumb like that. I had no choice, of course."
"So you married him and came to China?" He had been wondering how and why she'd traveled so far east, when most people lived in the same household their entire lives.
"Not quite. Marco wanted to get married in China, after we got to Shanghai, and my parents agreed to it 'cause they wanted me gone. I found out later that he basically planned to marry me if he ended up liking me, and if he didn't he'd sell me on the slave market in Shanghai. Guess which one he picked."
"So you were a slave?" He hoped for her sake that he hadn't guessed correctly.
"Nope." She started rolling the dough into balls and deep-frying them. "See, Marco and I hated each other. And on our long, long journey to Shanghai, we fought a lot."
He decided not to point out that there were few people Lin didn't fight with a lot, himself included, and listened.
"While I was pretty strong for my size, he usually ended up winning."
"Wait- what?" He had assumed she'd meant verbal fighting, but apparently not. "You mean physical fighting? As in fist fights?"
"Yep." She removed her first batch of dough from the oil and started on a second. "I only learned one useful lesson from my mother: if someone hits you, you hit right back."
He was suddenly starting to regret all those times he'd dragged her around by her tail, picked her up and carried her, or otherwise physically forced her to do things. True, she could be absolutely maddening, but if he'd known about her past experiences with physical abuse, he wouldn't have lost his temper so completely. "Lin, I... I'm sorry. I had no idea. If I had, I wouldn't have... Well, I would have been a bit... Gentler." He hoped that she accepted his apology instead of trying to guilt him, because he already felt guilty enough.
However, she did neither. She picked up her wooden spoon, turned around, and threw it at his head.
He'd been so taken by surprise that he didn't even duck out of the way, and the spoon got him right on the forehead. "Ouch!" He rubbed at the spot it had hit and resisted the urge to throw the utensil back at her. "What was that for?"
"You're retarded," came her offensive reply as she marched up to him and snatched the wooden spoon out of his lap. "Whadda I look like to you, some kinda shrinking violet? Marco ain't the only person who's ever beat me up, y'know, and I'm sure I'll get beat up plenty more before I die. You probably been beat up a shit-ton, but I don't act like you're about to fall to pieces 'cause of it."
"Yes, but-"
"But what?" she cut him off. "But he was the man I was supposed to marry? But I was young, scared, and completely alone? But I was on a difficult journey to a strange place I'd never been before? Those're the excuses I used, too, when I used to cry for my grandma like a little pussy. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, I never even had room in my head for thinking of what I could do to make my life better. Instead, I just sat around and waited for someone else's help. Then, I finally got a clue and realized that it wasn't coming."
He was reminded of something else she'd told him, back when she'd injured her arm. "Was that when the bandits set fire to your camp?"
"You betchya." She walked back over to the stove and started on her last batch of fried dough.
"You said you were in a tough spot when that happened." He was curious as to what kind of "tough spot" it had been, but at the same time he was afraid to find out. "...Did it involve Marco?"
"Yeah," she huffed, and turned off the heat on her syrup. "I guess you're gonna keep badgering me about it 'til I tellya, huh? Well, I'll save us the time and the trouble. It was a fight, y'know, a really bad one. And we'd had some bad fights, but none of 'em were like this one. I don't even remember how it got started... I guess it probably had something to do with the marriage. He'd already made it pretty clear he was only gonna marry me to get a son outta the deal, so I'm sure he probably started in with that and then I said I was gonna poison myself or something to make myself barren, that sorta thing. Anyway, he managed to get me pinned, and was gonna... Y'know. I remember I screamed a lot, even though I knew it wouldn't do any good. There were servants around, but they didn't give a shit." She glanced over her shoulder and caught a glimpse at the look on his face. "Oh, nothing came of it," she dismissed easily. "The idiot barely got his belt open when the bandits came, and he ran off to make sure nothing valuable got burned. Never tried it again, either. The point is, that was when I decided I wouldn't ever cry again, not even for myself. I was actually gonna do something, instead. I was gonna live my life the way I wanted to live my life, no matter what. No one else gave a shit about me- I was only saved 'cause of a buncha bandits who were out looting. No one woulda actually helped me for the sake of helping me, no one except myself. So I started thinking about what to do, and I decided that first I'd get to Shanghai, since it was a big city and I'd probably be able to find work there. I was gonna get away no matter what." She finished up her fried dough and poured the fragrant syrup over the balls, then brought them all over to the table. "Hope you like orange."
"I seem to remember you telling me that your past was nothing out of the ordinary," he pointed out, then got up to go get chopsticks; he wasn't about to follow Lin's lead and eat the sticky mess with his fingers.
"It wasn't," she insisted. "I didn't go through any more 'an your average woman. And why dontchya put on some water for tea while you're up?"
"I thought there was something missing from this meal." He supposed she had something of a point, there. "I am thinking Jasmine, what about you?"
"So you've actually been paying attention all this time." She sounded impressed at his choice, and he couldn't help but feel pleased by her approval. "I could go for some caffeine, so how's about a jasmine green tea blend?"
"That sounds good to me." He even blended the tea leaves himself, though whether or not that would meet with Lin's approval he didn't know. "So I am guessing you made it to Shanghai, though I must know... When in all this did you learn to speak Mandarin?"
She held up her hand for him to wait while she finished chewing on a ball of fried dough. "I made it my business to know the language well by the time we entered the country. He had some of his 'people' teach me, 'cause it woulda been embarrassing to have a wife who couldn't even speak the language, y'know. I pretended to be a lot slower at it 'an I actually was, though, so he'd speak Mandarin around me and think I didn't understand what he was saying. That's how I found out he was planning on selling me in Shanghai. Then, of course, after we spent some time in China I got pretty fluent. Total immersion, y'know. Anyway, I made it to Shanghai in one piece, and I was planning to sneak off in the middle of the night. But then I overheard Marco talking about selling me, and I was all, 'Uh, what?' So y'know what I did?"
"I can only imagine." He might have felt sorry for Marco, if he didn't already want to beat the pulp out of the man himself for what he'd put Lin through.
"First, I waited 'til I had him alone. Then I confronted him about it, and he didn't even deny it! He acted like I wasn't gonna do anything about it, which, I admit, was the precedent I'd set. But not that time. I was done. Done!" She threw her hands in the air to illustrate her point. "Now, Shanghai ain't the cleanest place in the world, so you can find almost anything, depending on which alley you decide to walk down. I myself happened to find a big piece of wood, which I used to beat that accident of nature to a bloody pulp." A vindictive gleam entered her eyes and she crushed one of her dough balls right in her hand. "Then I took all his money and his clothes! Ha!"
"His clothes?" Shifu repeated dubiously, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at her dramatics. "Why?"
"So I could dress up like a man, duh. That was when I started calling myself Quan. Are you gonna eat any of this?" She grimaced at the mess in her palm, then started to lick up the debris.
"I don't even know what they are." He checked the water for the tea, but it wasn't quite boiling yet.
"Well, they're zeppoli, except I put the syrup on 'em instead of cinnamon-sugar." She stuck her fingers in her mouth one by one, licking the syrup off of them like a small child.
"I will get to them," he assured her, eager to hear more of her story. "So... You were in Shanghai, pretending to be male... And you met Chen?"
"Well, first I lived on the streets. You'd be surprised at how difficult it can be to find work in the city. Eventually, I managed to stumble into a job in Chen's kitchen- they thought I was some other kid they'd already hired, and I figured I had no reason to correct anyone. The other guy never showed up, anyway."
"Wait- you were Chen's cook?" He put out the flame on the stove and started steeping the tea, then brought the pot and some cups back to the table- along with his chopsticks.
"No, I wasn't a cook. I was a kitchen assistant- y'know, doing all the bitch work. It was food in my mouth and a roof over my head, though." She pushed the zeppoli toward him and he gladly sampled one; they were sticky, crispy, and light all at the same time. In other words, delicious. "I was always so jealous of Chen, wondering how it was he got to make art all day and didn't starve to death. At night I used to sneak into his studio and use all his stuff. That's how I became his apprentice, actually. He found me in his studio, in the middle of the night, elbow-deep in some of his best inks. Sometimes I still feel sore after the whack I got from his stick for that one. He thought I had potential, though, so he took me on as a student. Of course, he still thought I was a guy."
"That's right, Chen does not take on female students," Shifu remembered between bites. "Rather sexist policy, isn't it?"
"Naw, it's not 'cause he doesn't like female students," Lin argued as he bit into another one of the fried confections. "It's 'cause he banged one of 'em."
He promptly spit the half-chewed dough across the room, coughing. He did not want to think of a respected kung fu master in such a way, especially one who happened to be so... So old.
She gave him a hard slap on the back, which did nothing to help his cough, but being completely unhelpful had never stopped her. "It was a long time ago, of course. Back before the oceans had filled in. Anyway, it almost cost him his reputation and after that he vowed to never have a woman as a student again. Until I came along and broke the rule. Chen didn't realize at first, but as time went on I think he got more and more of an inkling, until he finally confronted me about a year later. Even though we'd gotten kinda close, I was sure that was it for me- Chen never took kindly to dishonesty, no matter what the circumstances. But he didn't kick me out onto the streets at all. He sent me to apprentice for Wei-Shan, instead." It was obvious from the goofy smile that crossed her face that she'd had some kind of schoolgirl crush on him. "Damn, was he cute." That statement was also something of a tip-off.
"I do not need to hear anything about Master Wei-Shan," Shifu grumbled as he felt the familiar pang of jealousy. He knew that it was babyish of him, but he still couldn't stop himself.
"Oh, c'mon," she replied and gave him a slap on the arm. "What're you, jealous or something?"
In lieu of replying he simply stuck another one of her zeppoli into his mouth.
"You're jealous!" For some reason, she seemed surprised. "No, really?" She squinted at him, as if she could tell whether he was putting her on or not just by staring at him hard enough. "Really?" She repeated, still incredulous.
He supposed he wasn't going to be able to get away with his continued silence. "Yes, really," he admitted reluctantly. "Just... A little bit."
She continued to stare at him, then pointed to her lips. "You got some crumbs around here."
He should have known his admission would only result in her teasing him. "Fine, go ahead and make fun of me," he huffed as he reached up to wipe his mouth off.
She grabbed his hand before he could reach his mouth, though. "You're just gonna get your fingers all sticky, lemme do it." And then, amazingly enough, she kissed him.
Despite Lin's recently relaxing attitude toward physical contact, he was still surprised whenever she initiated anything at all intimate, even kissing. "That was so cloying that I am fairly sure there is even more syrup on my face now," he teased after she pulled away.
"Don't act like you're not all jazzed that I kissed you, thinking you're so freaking charming," she accused, and while there was some truth in the statement, he wasn't about to admit to it.
"And don't you act as if you are not equally as enamored of yourself as you seem to think I am." He would have liked to kiss her back, but despite his jealousy at her obvious affection for Wei-Shan he still wanted to know what happened next in her life's story. "You know that I was just kidding when I told you to stop telling your story, right?"
"Of course," she replied easily, then poked him in the side as she taunted him. "You were just jealous."
"You are too full of yourself for words." Actually, there were plenty of words, but he didn't want to distract her any more than he already had. "Now just get on with the story."
"Okay, okay." She paused to pour them both a cup of tea, then cleared her throat authoritatively. "Where was I, again?"
Shifu just glared at her, very much aware that she was simply attempting to annoy him.
"Ah, right. Wei-Shan. Y'see, I'd already known him, since as you're aware of, he's a student of Chen's. It's kinda funny to see 'em together, though; they're... How do I even describe those two? I guess 'heterosexual life mates' would be the best words."
"I cannot even begin to imagine that," he admitted. "Not about Chen, anyway."
"Oh, it was bromance alright," she assured him, an amused grin spreading across her face. "As funny as that is, though, it's kinda sad to think they're separated now. The two of 'em were best friends from the very first time they met, then thiry-five years later Wei-Shan had to skip town... Depressing."
"Wait, why did Wei-Shan have to skip town?" He didn't even know why he asked in the first place; he already knew it must have been Lin's fault.
"Well, I had to skip town, too. Not that it was my fault or anything." She frowned at the flat look he'd given her. "Oh, stop it. Okay, lemme explain it a little bit. Y'see, while Chen and I butted heads constantly- not that I didn't care for the little raisin- Wei-Shan and I got along great. He had more of an easy-going, passive personality, kinda the scholarly type. I admit, sometimes I pushed him around a little-"
Shifu interrupted her with a skeptical snort. "A little bit?"
She flicked him on the nose for that one. "Don't interrupt me. Anyway, it wasn't just a master-student relationship, he was my friend. And towards the end we were sorta working as equals... And so it wasn't just my fault, it was a fifty-fifty deal. We printed some extremely critical material about the government and the aristocracy, y'know, the usual stuff. Societal constrictions designed to control the working class, lack of civil rights for the peasantry in general, unfair tax laws... That kinda deal. So of course we were gonna be arrested, probably sentenced to life in prison. So we split up and ran for it. Last I saw of him, we were climbing out his second floor window to get away from imperial soldiers, and he told me to head south. We figured it'd be best to split up so we'd be harder to find. Anyway, I was an idiot and let 'em corner me down at the docks, so I did what any reasonable person would. I jumped."
"And you almost drowned," he pointed out.
"Almost being the operative word. Somehow, I survived the night and in the morning I found myself washing up on the shores of Shangba. You remember, the Village of Death? 'Cause of all the shipwreck victims washing up?"
"Yes, I remember." He grimaced at the thought of such a thing.
"There was this seagull who got stuck with the unfortunate job of searching for and properly disposing of the dead bodies on the beach. He found me, and was nice enough to let me stay with him and his family for a couple of days. They even fed me. By that time, I'd figured there was no more point in pretending to be a man, especially when it would only hinder me. So I dropped that farce, and went by the name of Yan-Yan for a while- that was the name of my best friend back in Shanghai, she was a cat, a Balinese I think. Very nice girl, from a middle class family- her dad was an accountant. I think she had a thing for bad boys, though, which was why she hung around the horrible neighborhood I lived in. That's neither here nor there, though. The point is, for the next three years I basically wandered around China, adopting different identities along the way, just doing what I do. I guess the authorities caught on to my act, though, and figured out that all these incendiary materials were coming from the same person, so I was sentenced to death. I figured it out eventually, 'cause I found a wanted poster- looked nothing like me, by the way. It made me look like some kinda snaggle-toothed, cross-eyed explosion of fur."
He couldn't resist poking fun at her for that. "Sounds about right to me."
"Shove it," she replied without missing a beat. "That's about it. After the execution order, I decided to high-tail it outta the country, and along the way I got robbed by those bandits and stumbled across the Valley of Peace. Actually, there is one other thing I gotta admit. I knew before I even came here that there wasn't even an inkling of a job opening, especially not for a cook. But this looked like the most ritzy place in town and I figured it'd be pretty cushy to work here, so I strong-armed my way in."
"I had already deduced that much," he informed her, though he had remembered something of interest when she'd mentioned Shangba. "But what about those wokou? I'd thought you might have had a connection with them."
"Oh, those were just some guys I used to hang out with back in Shanghai," she dismissed easily. "The navigator showed me calligraphy in the Japanese style, that was pretty awesome."
"Wait... So you just hung out with pirates?"
"Yeah. I lived pretty close to the docks, and they'd come in all the time and buy whores, make trouble, go to bars, raid... The usual pirate stuff. They liked to think they were somehow waging war on the Empire, but mainly they were a buncha rowdy drunks who liked to get into bar fights. They did promote democracy, though. In other words, we had a lot in common."
He wasn't quite done with his questioning, though. "I know you broke out of jail back in Shanghai... And that you were in there to begin with for treason-"
"And violation of censorship laws," she added.
"Are there any other times I should know about?" He raised his eyebrows at her, and she seemed somewhat embarrassed.
"...Well, there was this one other time, before that. Back when I was still living with Chen... That was kinda for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct, assault... Y'know, that kinda thing. Chen bailed me outta that one, though." She let out an awkward cough, then took a sip of her tea.
"You are a nuisance to society," he informed her, though he didn't know why he was bothering to point out the obvious.
"I'm a nuisance to society? You're the one who threw half of Shanghai in jail," she grumbled sourly.
"That was your own fault for starting a riot in the first place!" he argued back; he wasn't going to let her lay the blame on him for that incident.
"I didn't mean to start a riot, I meant to start a protest. How was I supposed to know there'd be so much looting?" She paused, furrowing her brow as she apparently thought back on the incident. "Actually, I probably shoulda seen that coming."
He shook his head at her attitude, but decided to let the subject go; if he didn't, they would probably spend hours fighting about who was right and who was wrong. "I still cannot believe that we never crossed paths that entire time."
"To be fair, I was hiding from you," she pointed out. "I heard there was some kinda kung fu guy in the area, and that was all I needed to hear. You got no idea how hard it is to pretend to be a man when you're in jail- especially when you're on the rag."
"That is all I need to hear, thank you." He didn't want her to start going on and on about her time of the month- and that was what she would inevitably do if he didn't stop her. "Alright, so this explains almost everything. I still do not understand why you like rocks so much."
She blinked back at him, apparently confused. "Huh?"
"Remember when we were in the marketplace and you were drooling over that one stand?"
"Those were all minerals used for pigments," she huffed, rolling her eyes at him.
He frowned at her tone, but then decided not to get mad, but get even. "One last question."
"What?" She was obviously getting annoyed, but she had asked for the teasing.
"How do I pick out a good lemon?" He resisted the urge to laugh at how disgruntled she looked at the question.
After a moment of glaring, she actually answered him. "...The ones with a smoother texture usually yield more juice," she grumbled. "And if you wanna get more juice outta a lemon that feels hard, it helps to steam 'em for a few minutes and then roll 'em on the counter before you cut into 'em."
"You act as though you hate lemons, just because of your family," he pointed out. "It is not the fruit's fault."
She snorted at the terrible joke. "Naw, I don't hate lemons. I like 'em, actually, my sordid past notwithstanding. I remember that for a treat we used to slice up lemons, then dip the slices in sugar and eat 'em. They're so sweet straight off the tree, though, that most of the time you don't even need sugar."
"See, lemons aren't so bad." He reached for another one of her- he forgot what they were called- thingies.
"Wait a minute." She pulled the bowl out of reach and batted his hand away when he tried to follow it. "I wanna save some for Tai Lung."
He stopped grabbing for the bowl when she assured him that she wasn't just torturing him. "Speaking of whom, we will have to speak to him sooner or later. Preferably sooner."
"Yeah, you're right." She tossed him a pastry, then grabbed the teapot and brought them both over to the counter. "We just gotta figure out how to get him outta hiding."
"Well, we might have better luck if you told me where he was," he pointed out; he was still annoyed that she refused to tell him Tai Lung's hiding spot. He was the boy's father, after all.
"No can do." She walked back over to the table and started fiddling with one of his ears, as if it were a toy of some sort. "I'm on the verge of a breakthrough, I can just feel it."
"Perhaps it would help you to stop molesting me," he huffed.
She let go of his ear, but yanked on his plait. "Y'know, the way Tai Lung's hiding from us kinda reminds me of my little sister Mimi," she sighed. "Whenever she got mad at my parents, she used to hide in the top shelf of the pantry just to make 'em worry, the little brat. And she knew she'd get away with it, 'cause she was the... Favorite..." She trailed off, blinking as she seemed to think of something else. Then, she slammed her palm down on the table. "Why that little..." she muttered, then practically ran out of the room.
Shifu had no idea what she was up to, so he followed her out into the hallway and stopped her. "Where are you going?"
"I just realized something," she replied. "Tai Lung is doing the exact same thing my sister used to do."
"Wait- are you suggesting that Tai Lung is hiding out because he knows we will worry about him?" It sounded like something Tai Lung would have done when he was younger, but he should have known better at his age. "Why would he do that?"
"'Cause of me. He thinks I'll let him get away without a punishment, just like Mimi knew my parents would never punish her. And he thinks that if you get mad, I'll intervene and tellya not to do anything, 'cause I feel guilty."
The reasoning seemed a little complicated to him. "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!" With that, she turned around and headed for the front door.
"Wait a minute." He chased after her, concerned over what she might do. "What are you planning to do?"
She furrowed her brow, as if she hadn't even given it any thought yet. Then she gave a decisive nod. "I got an idea. You trust me?"
"I suppose I will have to," he sighed.
Tai Lung got up from where he'd been sitting on the edge of the barracks roof and tiptoed toward the middle, which had a better view of the stars overhead. While he knew that technically it was wrong to eavesdrop, he had still sat over the kitchen windows and listened to Lin and Shifu talk. He hadn't expected Lin to start talking about herself, but he'd listened in, curious to know what her story really was. He'd known all along that she must have had a crazy past, but he'd never realized just how crazy. Still, he had to wonder why she'd bothered to keep it all a secret to begin with. It wasn't like he or Master Shifu would ever turn her in. Even back when Shifu was pretending to hate her, he would have protected her. Maybe he was the only one who could actually see that, though.
That didn't mean he wasn't still mad at her and Shifu. He was glad he'd come up at the end of their conversation- that was what he'd been waiting for, actually. Shifu was probably looking for him right that very moment, while Lin was most likely on her way to beg for his forgiveness- as she should be. First she'd ignored him, and then she'd decided to leave him, just like that. She'd be lucky if he ever came close to forgiving her.
"Tai Lung." She'd come to apologize again, just as he'd predicted; however, he didn't turn around. She was less convincing when he couldn't see her face. "I'm gonna giveya one last chance to come down here on your own and quit sulking," she threatened, but he already knew that all of her threats were empty.
"Like you care," he scoffed, hunching his shoulders defensively.
"You can't stay up there forever, y'know," she prodded, but he wasn't going to take the bait.
"I can as long as Oogway keeps bringing me food," he grumbled back.
"Shifu's worried."
"Good." And he meant it.
"I'm worried, too," she added.
"Don't care." So they were worried about him all of a sudden, when just the other day he didn't even exist to them? It was the effect he was going for, but it still disgruntled him.
"Yes you do," she accused, suddenly dropping her apologetic tone. "You wouldn't even be up here if you weren't trying to make us worry. Now get down, already."
He wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of admitting she was right. "No."
"Then I'm coming over there to get you," she huffed.
He rolled his eyes at the assertion; she'd barely made it to the roof with his help the last time she'd been up there. There was no way she'd be able to get to him.
"Don't you think I'm not coming!" she went on as the branch she'd perched on creaked under her weight. "I probably shouldn'ta had all those sweets, though..."
He turned to watch her make a fool of herself over his shoulder, frowning at the way she shimmied along the sagging limb of the tree.
"I'm coming!" she grunted, then reached out in an attempt to grab the edge of the roof; of course, she didn't even get close to it. "You'll be sorry when I get there," she threatened, and then the branch snapped.
"Lin!" He ran to the edge of the roof and looked down, fearing the worst, but there was no need for him to worry.
Lin let out an annoyed snort as she attempted to reach the branch her belt had snagged on, but could only futilely hang upside down. "I'm still coming up there!" she huffed, groping behind her as she tried to grab the branch again.
As angry as Tai Lung was, he didn't want her to fall out of the tree and break her neck. So, with great trepidation, he jumped into the tree, grabbed her tail, and lifted her off the branch. Then, just to be safe, he carried her back down to the ground.
"Thanks, kid," she sighed when he set her down, then reached up and smacked him upside the head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"I toldya you'd be sorry when I got my hands on you." She then grabbed him by the ear and yanked.
"Ow!" Somehow, even though he knew he was stronger than Lin, he still couldn't escape from her grasp as she dragged him toward the front of the barracks. "Let go!"
"Don't you tell me to let go of you," she lectured- Lin was actually lecturing him- and gave his ear an extra-hard yank as she pulled him into the barracks. "God forbid I try to teach you a valuable lesson. You should be grateful to have someone who cares enough about you to do this. There're kids all over the world who're alone and starving, kids who'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. How's about that, mister?" She dragged him into the kitchen and went straight for the wooden spoon, the sight of which filled him with dread.
"Lin-"
"You had your chance, it's too late now." Then, without preamble, she turned him around and gave him a painful whack on the rear-end with the spoon. "That's for making your father worry." Then another one. "And that's for making me climb that damn tree twice to come get you." The third hit was the most painful of all, not only because the area was tender from the first two, but also because she hit him the hardest the third time. "And that's for sulking all day! Now go siddown!" She finally let go of his ear and pointed authoritatively at the kitchen table.
"Yes'm," he muttered tremulously, and didn't even try to rub at his sore bottom, just in case he got in trouble for it. He winced when he sat down in his seat at the kitchen table, but did his best not to make any noise.
"Quit sniveling," she ordered, then, to his complete surprise, placed a cup of tea and a bowl full of fried dough drenched in syrup in front of him. "And eat something, already, before you stunt your growth."
He considered refusing the snack, but one glance at Lin, standing over him with her arms crossed and her wooden spoon still hanging from one hand, and he was digging in. "...You didn't hafta hit me," he finally muttered around a mouthful of pastry.
"Kid, when you're older you'll understand."
"You sound like Shifu," he said, just because he knew it would annoy her.
"That doesn't bother me." She watched him eat for a little bit, then when she seemed satisfied with his progress she dropped the spoon onto the table.
"How come it wasn't okay for me to hurt my back while training with Shifu, but it's okay for you to hit me?" he asked, emboldened by her abandonment of her weapon.
"'Cause last I checked spanking doesn't cause permanent injury." She raised her eyebrows at him, and he popped another piece of dough into his mouth, to be safe. "You got a lotta nerve, y'know that?"
He just chewed and nodded.
"At least tell me you learned something," she sighed; she didn't seem angry anymore.
"I, uhm... Shouldn't make you worry, I shouldn't sulk, and... You don't like to climb trees?"
"Close enough."
He washed down his dessert with a mouthful of tea and took that opportunity to look sufficiently angry. "I'm still mad at you."
"I thought as much," she accepted. "But there ain't no turning back now. I'm leaving, whether you stay mad at me or not."
He tried to find the words for how he felt and why; angry, hurt, betrayed... Nothing seemed quite right. "...The vegetable garden has sprouts," he finally settled on. "And you didn't even notice."
"Naw, I'd notice sprouts if they were popping up," she argued.
"You didn't notice them any more than you've been noticing me." He knew that he sounded sulky, but he didn't care if she gave him the spoon again as long as she realized her own guilt.
She didn't answer right away. Instead, she only frowned down at the table. Then, with a loud sigh she finally looked up and answered. "You got a point. I'm sorry I been distant lately. I know it ain't fair to you, and I'd be mad too, if I were in your place. But you can't go hiding and sulking every time someone hurts you, any more 'an you can keep from getting hurt in the first place. It's the people who love you most who're gonna be doing most of the hurting, too, 'cause when people care they just seem to mess up all the more."
Maybe she was right, but he'd already made up his mind. No matter what, he'd make sure he never felt this way again. "I'm not gonna forgive you that easily."
"Yeah, well, I still got another day to convince you. Now stay put, Shifu wants to talk to you."
"Can't I just go to bed?" He figured he had a chance at convincing her, since it was so late, anyway.
"You spent all day trying to make your father worry, and now you think you can skulk off to bed without talking to him? No dice." With that, she gave him a hearty pat on the back, got up, and left.
He felt a little like he was being interrogated, the way they were taking turns talking to him. He wondered if he had enough time to make a break for it, but just as the thought crossed his mind Master Shifu walked in.
"Tai Lung," he greeted.
Tai Lung didn't stand and bow like he was undoubtedly expected to. If Shifu thought he was going to bow after being snubbed like he didn't even matter, then that windbag had another thing coming. "Master," he greeted tightly, because he knew if he stayed silent he'd get punished for sulking again.
"So... Lin, um..." Shifu trailed off and eyed the wooden spoon, still laying there on the table, then grimaced. "Ouch."
He stared back at his master, stunned. "You knew Lin was gonna spank me? And you let her?"
"Trust me when I say the alternative punishment would have been much worse." From his stern tone, Tai Lung could tell that whatever the alternative punishment was, he had planned it.
"It's not even fair to punish me," he grumbled, crossing his arms. "You were ignoring me. You've been too busy making kissy faces with Lin to even notice I exist. Maybe I was punishing you, ever think of that?" He was probably going to get into a lot of trouble for that one.
"I did, actually, which is why I agreed to Lin using that medieval torture device of hers on you. Children do not punish their parents, Tai Lung. It does not work that way." He paused, his expression momentarily softening. "Besides, adults are more punished by their own consciences than anything else." And then, he said something he had never said to Tai Lung before in his life. "I... I am sorry."
"You are?" He couldn't be swayed by such a simple apology, of course; Shifu would have to beg for his forgiveness. He was just... Confirming the apology.
"I should not have gotten so caught up in romance... Or whatever on Earth it is that Lin is putting me through," Shifu sighed, and even placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You are the most important person in my life, Tai Lung. You are my son, after all. But, as you so delicately put it, adults like to 'make kissy faces.' And, believe or not, a romantic relationship requires a lot of time and devotion."
"Hmph." He wasn't going to forgive Shifu just yet, despite the heartfelt speech. If he was the most important person in Shifu's life, then why did Lin deserve more love and devotion than he did?
"Very well." He didn't seem happy at Tai Lung's attitude, but surprisingly enough he didn't dole out any punishment. "In any case, it is past your bedtime. I will see you tomorrow. And, before you go... Tomorrow is... Well, I think we should all spend some time together. Rather than training as usual."
"It's not gonna be optional, is it?" Tai Lung grumbled as he stood up.
"Not in the least," he confirmed. "And if you disappear again, I will be the one to come after you." He paused and let the threat hang for a moment. "Now, get some sleep."
"Yes, Master." Tai Lung once again omitted his usual bow and headed for his room; he didn't exactly want to spend time with Lin and Shifu while he was mad at them, but there was nothing much he could do, unless he wanted to face whatever horrific punishment would await him should he decide to skip out. He supposed that if worse came to worse, Master Oogway would at least still be there.
He didn't have any reason to still be angry, though, once he thought about it; Lin and Shifu had both apologized, and in the end he was getting exactly what he'd wanted: time together like an actual family. Except that Lin was still leaving, and then things would go back to the way they'd been before she'd come to the Jade Palace. And he'd be lonely again. So, really, it was a pretty shallow victory. At least he still had one thing that he knew for sure would never let him down. At least he still had kung fu.
"Lin, open the door." As Shifu waited for Lin to allow him entrance into her room (it would be rude to just walk in, and for all he knew she could be naked for some reason or another), he reflected on how strange it was to suddenly be welcome in an area that had been off-bounds for months.
"Oh, just get in here, dummy," she called from inside.
"Your tenderness fills me with an almost indescribable warmth." He had expected her room to be completely cleaned out after an entire day, but apparently she'd had more papers to sort through than he'd realized. There were still stacks and piles all over the floor, and she'd only removed about half of her drawings and paintings from the walls. Still, the actual hardwood of the floor was mostly visible, as she'd pushed the majority of her papers and belongings up against the wall.
She ignored his sarcasm and instead focused on removing the remaining artwork from the walls. "How'd it go with Tai Lung?" She grabbed an ink drawing of the peach tree, squinted at it, then shrugged and tossed it to the floor.
"I should be asking you the same question," he replied, watching her do the same to two more drawings of the grounds; he was still surprised by how carelessly she treated her artwork. "I don't know why I agreed to let you do that." He winced just thinking about that wooden spoon. Granted, there were worse punishments in existence and Lin had been mercifully brief about the spanking. Still, he'd argued when she had first suggested the idea; it had seemed cruel, despite his knowledge that most parents employed corporal punishment. Then Lin had pointed out that she'd "nailed" Tai Lung in the head with her spoon before for sneaking food, and that most of his punishments from Shifu were worse than a simple swat on the behind.
"He'll be fine," she reassured him. "I got the spoon plenty when I was a kid, and a lot worse 'an that. And look how I turned out."
"That is far from comforting." He briefly recalled instances from his childhood when his own mother had spanked him; her weapon of choice had been her bare hand. Master Oogway had never administered spankings, but then again, Master Oogway had never been a mother, either. "I heard what you said to Tai Lung, by the way. You sounded remarkably similar to a real life mom."
"Let's hope it doesn't stick," she huffed, clearly disgruntled at the suggestion that she possessed any kind of maternal instinct whatsoever.
"Why not? I think you would make a good mother." While he was mainly just baiting her for the sheer pleasure of it, he was also telling her the truth. "Aside from the brutality, of course."
"Keep mouthing off like that and I'll spank you, too."
"I will try not to enjoy it too much."
"Well if that's the way it's gonna be I'd rather be the one getting spanked," she shot back, completely unfazed by the racy joke.
He wished he could say the same for himself; unfortunately, he could only blush and choke on his own spit at her comeback.
"Y'know, a lotta times I wonder if it could possibly be any easier to embarrass you." She paused in her task to turn around and shoot him a mischievous grin. "The answer's always 'no.'"
He managed to pull himself together after that; he wasn't going to let himself be reduced to a gibbering idiot just because she had actually flirted with him for once. "Just as I often wonder if you will ever receive the help you need for your obvious mental problems. The answer to that is always 'no,' as well. What a coincidence."
She raised her eyebrows at him, her expression distinctly unimpressed. "You can do better 'an that. You must be losing your edge."
"My apologies. I did not come in here prepared for battle." To be honest, his main goal had been to try, once again, to change her mind about leaving. He could clearly see that she wanted to stay, at least in some part. He had no way of knowing for sure she felt the same way, but in his opinion they were her family, and the Jade Palace was her home. "I actually was hoping to be more persuasive than combative."
She looked dubious. "...Whaddaya mean? You actually wanna spank me?"
"Wha- no!" Sometimes he wondered how he managed to get through a conversation with her without snapping and going completely insane. "No, I want you to stay."
She frowned, clearly not pleased with his response. "Y'know, I think I woulda preferred it if you were trying to bend me over your knee."
"Use all the innuendo you want, but you will not distract me from this conversation." Although he could feel the heat rising in his face. "You have a home here," he pointed out, ignoring the way she glared at him; he didn't care how angry she became at his attempts to persuade her, he still needed to try. "I know you are afraid of being arrested and executed, but you should not leave simply because of that fear."
"Are you brain-dead?" she growled, her fur visibly bristling, which was a strange sight considering how on-end it was normally. "How many times do I gotta tell you that I can't stay?"
"Why not?" he shot back, unintimidated. "This is the safest place in all of China- perhaps in the entire world. And Master Oogway has a sizable amount of sway with the Imperial Court- he's been friends with the past six Emperors, excluding the current one. And barring that, I am here, I will protect you! As long as you stay in the Valley of Peace, no one will be able to touch you!"
"That's the point!" She threw her hands up in exasperation. "As long as I stay in the Valley of Peace. As long as I don't leave. If I decide to stay here, the Valley will become more like a prison than a home! I don't want that to happen. And besides, you're right about one thing- this is the safest, most peaceful place there is. So what am I supposed to do, then? Whose rights am I supposed to defend? What kind of regime am I supposed to overthrow? What is there to revolt against, to fight for? Everyone here is happy. Everyone here is free!"
"I was under the impression that that is a good thing!" he argued, though he knew it would do no good. Still, it was worth a try.
"It is a good thing! It is a very good thing, and it's what people all over the world want, but don't have. How can I stay here when there are people almost everywhere else- literally- who need help? When I know that I have a gift that could help them? I don't mean to sound full of myself- believe it or not, I try to stay humble at least in this- but I am good at what I do. I can make people stand up and take notice. I can make them feel like they have control over their own lives, like their children have a future. I can make people see that they are worth something. And I worked just as hard as you have for that!" She suddenly reached out and tore one of her drawings off the wall, then waved it about in his face. "I sweated and I bled for this! I went for days- weeks, even- without seeing the light of day! I didn't sleep, I didn't eat- all I did was this! I threw away everything for it, gave up everything I knew, everything I had! And I nearly died for it! I won't throw it all away! After all that effort, all the sacrifice, I can't just settle down. Not even for you." She let out a heavy sigh and dropped the crumpled drawing, though she wasn't yet done with her speech.
"Don't you understand? My whole life was leading up to this. This is a threshold, the start of something completely new! These past few months have been good, and if I did stay, I know that the rest of my life would be good as well. But I wouldn't be happy. I couldn't be happy, knowing that I came this far, made it to this crossroad, and then just pussed out. I have to keep going, I can't just stop here. Even if the rest of my life is horrible, even if I'm miserable and alone, I still won't regret a damn thing. Because I will be doing something great." She finished her impassioned rant, her shoulders squared, her hands balled into fists, and a fire of determination, conviction and outright stubbornness burning in her eyes that he had never seen from anyone else.
He couldn't help but marvel at her in that moment; she looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her, and he was reminded of why he'd fallen for her in the first place. Despite his admiration, though, he couldn't forget the topic they were discussing: whether she actually wanted to or not, Lin was leaving. He honestly didn't see how he could ever convince her to stay, and after she'd explained her motivation to him, he didn't think he wanted to, anyway. As much as it would hurt to let her go, he knew that it would hurt more to try to hold on to her, only to make her unhappy. Finally, he managed to give her a somewhat weak reply. "...So I take it you won't be visiting."
She let out a snort and smiled at him. "No, probably not."
They lapsed into silence a little while longer, and he felt he should say something else just to break through the awkwardness that had descended upon them. "...You really didn't go outside for weeks?"
"I meant during the day," she corrected. "Though my record is about six days."
He raised his eyebrows at her, flabbergasted by the idea of spending six straight days cooped up indoors.
"Shifu, I don't think you understand my point of view. Until you've sat in the same room for thirty-six hours straight, an ink brush in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, you haven't truly lived."
He just stared unblinkingly at her for a very long time. Then, finally, he furrowed his brow and spoke. "...You're an alcoholic, aren't you?"
"Pff, like I care," she dismissed. "Besides, it's not like it's hard to stay inside for so long. At least, it wasn't when I lived with Wei-Shan. With Chen it was torture- especially when he got in the mood to lecture. At least with Wei-Shan I had a view." From the way she waggled her eyebrows, he doubted she was talking about what she had seen from the windows.
"Will you stop that, already?" he huffed, irritated; of course, he knew it was preposterous to think she wouldn't find other men attractive, not to mention unreasonable to expect her to have eyes only for him in that respect. However, that didn't mean he needed to hear about it whenever she did.
She actually rolled her eyes at him. "Relax. You're acting like a man I ain't see in three years is a threat. You think I'd be saying any of that stuff if I'd actually had a chance with the guy?"
"Yes! Yes I do!" He didn't care if she thought he was acting ridiculous; he didn't like hearing her talk that way about anyone beside himself, let alone a man she had lived with. "Were you in love with him?"
She stared back at him a moment, then let out a loud snort and started laughing.
"Of course you are laughing at me." He threw his hands up in frustration. "What else did I expect?"
"H-hold on," she stammered out between giggles, then sat down in her bed, apparently unable to support herself because of her hearty laughter. "You're ridiculous," she sighed when she finally seemed to be finished. "I can't believe you really asked me that."
Shifu tried very hard not to feel like an idiot. "I take it that your answer is no."
"That's right," she confirmed. "I mean, I had a crush on Wei-Shan. It's not really the same thing, though. It was a dumb teenaged crush, nothing more 'an that. I'm not sure what you're thinking, but I don't fall for every good-looking older man I meet, y'know."
Despite the fact that he knew better, he still needed to ask, "You think I'm good-looking?"
"Nah, I was talking about someone else."
"Oh," he grumbled.
She laughed at him again. "That was a joke! Y'know, half the time I'm around you I feel like I'm in some cheesy romantic story about star-crossed lovers and all that stupid crap. And even though I think everything remotely romantic is a buncha stupid crap, I can't help but like it." She shook her head, her expression somewhat confused. "Just don't go thinking this pile of love garbage ain't a big deal to me, 'cause it is."
"Your eloquence almost moves me to tears," he remarked sarcastically, smiling when she laughed. "Do me a favor and don't leave me any love letters."
"Like I would ever write one." She leaned back into her many pillows and burrowed a little deeper into her bed- it was more like a nest, really. "Now get over here."
"You truly know the words to melt a man's heart." He crossed the room and sat down next to her, letting out a grunt as he sunk into the pillows. "I feel as though I am being eaten alive," he informed her as he attempted to find a firmer spot. He failed, of course.
"Don't mess up my bed," she huffed. "It took me a long time to get it the way I like."
"You are honestly mind-boggling." He gave up on his battle with the pillows and settled for sitting up as straight as he could, his arms crossed. "You act as if you are tough as nails, and yet you have the kind of bed a five-year-old dreams of."
"I'll take that as a compliment." From the way she was eyeing him, it was clear that she was only barely listening to him.
"What?" He grumbled, waiting for her to insult him or poke him in an uncomfortable spot.
"You crack me up," she replied, then reached up, grabbed the back of his collar, and yanked. "When I said 'get over here,' I didn't mean, 'sit two feet away from me and act like there's a stick up your ass.'"
"Has anyone ever told you that you are a master of seduction?" he shot back sarcastically, but let her pull him back into her irritatingly soft bed anyway.
"Meanwhile, trying to get you to make out with me is like pulling teeth, tonight," she replied, though she made no further advances toward him.
"Well, if that is what you want, then why are you not kissing me?" he prodded.
"I think you know why." She shot him that smile of hers, then gave his mustache a gentle tug.
It occurred to him as he managed to extract himself from the sinkhole of pillows enough to lean over her and kiss her that, as a master of kung fu, he really should have had more self-control. Especially when she loudly slapped her hand on his rear-end, then chuckled lecherously into his mouth. Still, there were worse ways to spend an evening. At least, that was what he told himself as she broke their kiss to amorously inform him that he had "junk" in his "trunk." After all, their time together was limited, and he wanted to enjoy every last moment of it- no matter how strange or unnerving.
A/N: Well, we're really nearing the end here. I'm kind of having a hard time believing it! Hopefully everything will go relatively smoothly.
Some notes on content: there was some inspiration from my own childhood in this chapter. I used to do exactly what Mimi did, since I was an insanely small child (and my mother made the mistake of enrolling me in gymnastics). And of course, the spoon. The spoon is a threat to many a small child of Italian descent. I only received it once, when I was five, but the memory had been seared into my mind for all eternity. Good times! Also, limoncello is a lemon liquer that Italian lemon farmers sometimes make homemade (for their families and to sell). Finally, I owe my chapter title to a quote from the ever-classy Sophia Loren.
Next up: Lin's last day, and all that that implies.