Warning! This chapter is pretty gut-wrenching. Just remember that with lots of angst comes lots of squee time! :)
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Retribution (Chapter 3)
Not wanting to startle her, Richard softly turned the handle, quietly pushing the door open. The look of anguish on her face when she had moved away from him had cut him to his core. He couldn't bear to see her pull away from him again. Peering around the door, he was startled to find her bed empty, the sheets and blanket a tangled mess on the bed. His eyes quickly searched the room as his heart leapt into his throat.
Noticing the balcony doors ajar, he immediately made his way to the terrace. He slowed as he approached, coming to a stop at the entrance. His heart began to pound as he placed a hand on the door, slowly pulling it open, afraid of what he might find while his other hand kept a tight grip on the hilt of his sword.
The sun was shining brightly, burning through the morning cloud cover. Blue skies peeked out from behind the billowy clouds, hinting at the beauty the day would eventually bring. The extravagant palace gardens literally sparkled in the sun from the raindrops that clung to every leaf and petal.
Looking down, Richard noticed Kahlan sitting in a small corner on the stone terrace floor, her back against the palace wall. Still dressed in her white nightgown, her knees were drawn up, her arms wrapped tightly around them. Her dark raven hair was in stark contrast to her porcelain skin, her bruises even more pronounced in the sunlight. Her chin was resting on top of her knees, her eyes red and her cheeks wet from her tears. She stared at nothing, seemingly unaware of his presence with her on the balcony.
Swallowing his own tears at the site of her looking so distraught, Richard carefully made his way to her, sitting down opposite of her with his back against the ledge. He so desperately wanted to sit down next to her, wrap his arms around her and take away all her pain, but he felt that he had lost that right especially after seeing her reaction when she remembered losing the baby.
Richard watched her for several moments before finally breaking the heartrending silence. "Kahlan…" he uneasily began, not even knowing where to start.
His voice was hoarse, his throat felt dry, his heart about to burst in his chest. What do you say to the love of your life after allowing what happened to her? "Kahlan, none of this was your fault," he heatedly said in a rush, anxious to make her understand that it was him that she should blame, not herself.
"How can you say that, Richard?" she softly asked after what felt like was an eternity of dead silence, her eyes never leaving the stone terrace floor. She couldn't bear to look at him after losing his child. She felt so empty inside and at the same time so consumed with sorrow and guilt.
Their grief hung thickly in the air, threatening to smother them both. They were less than a couple of feet away from each other and yet it felt as if there was an endless hollow abyss driving them apart. Each felt the weight of their grief while also blaming themselves for the loss. They were unable to push aside their guilt just when they needed each other the most.
"Because it is my fault, Kahlan," he choked out, tears instantly pooling in his eyes.
"It's not your fault, Richard." Her voice sounded as dead as she felt inside at that moment, so unworthy of his love or the title of Mother Confessor. Kiana had been right; she was weak.
"Yes it is, Kahlan! If I had protected you better, this never would have happened! You and the baby would have been safe. You would have never had to endure being tortured by the Mord'Sith," he forcefully exclaimed, desperate to get the words out once and for all, to confess the pain he had caused.
Slowly, Kahlan lifted her head and looked at him for the first time since he came out onto the balcony. The tears that were beginning to slip down his face only served to intensify her shame, sealing the guilt that she carried. "Richard, there was nothing you could have done to have prevented it. I should have fought harder…been stronger. I'm the Mother Confessor and I couldn't even protect our unborn child."
The anguish in her eyes hurt him more deeply than any dagger could have ever come close to doing. "Kahlan…"
"What did Cara say?" Kahlan rested her chin on her knees again, shifting her hold on her legs, squeezing them more tightly to her chest.
Richard didn't think she could have looked any smaller or more fragile than she did at that very moment. "Kirsten is camped in the Trapanga Mountains," he responded with a sigh, rubbing his face over his hands in a desperate attempt to rein in the pain once more. "Denna is alive and with her," he finally added, running a hand through his hair.
Richard watched Kahlan to see how she would react to the news that Denna had once again inserted herself right in the middle of things. To his surprise, she showed no reaction whatsoever, her gaze never leaving some unseen fascinating spot on the terrace floor. It was as if he had just told her that the sky is blue or the grass is green.
After several minutes, Kahlan finally replied, "We should leave for Aydindril soon. We'll need to prepare the army and the city for attack."
"Kahlan, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be traveling so soon after…" Richard stopped abruptly, unable to finish his sentence, partly because the wounds were still too fresh in his heart, but mostly because of the pain it would cause her.
"After what, Richard? After I lost our baby?" she bitterly finished, her eyes growing cold and distant as she continued to stare ahead of her.
"Kahlan…I'm so sorry…I didn't mean to…"
"Please, I'd like to be alone right now," she murmured, closing her eyes against the hot tears that instantly sprang to her eyes.
Richard bit his lip against the agonizing pain that tore through him with her sending him away. He watched helplessly as tears began streaming down her cheeks. He slowly rose to his feet, but could not make them move. His legs felt like dead weight. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much that had to make her understand but he couldn't make his mouth work. It felt as if someone had reached in and ripped out his heart leaving a gaping hole in his chest.
He numbly walked to the balcony entrance, the ability to breathe becoming more difficult with every step he took. Placing a trembling hand on the balcony door, he paused right beside her. "I love you, Kahlan…with all my heart," he softly told her as tears trailed down his cheeks once more.
All he heard in response as he dejectedly walked away was the sound of her sobs.
XXX
Returning from her bath in the river, Kirsten was beginning to wonder just what she had gotten herself into by agreeing to Denna's plan. She had never liked Denna, feeling that she always had her own agenda. Rather than being a true Sister of the Agiel, she was always looking out for herself. It didn't help matters that she was also Darken Rahl's pet.
Kirsten was not thrilled with the idea of an allegiance with Denna, but if it got her what she wanted most then it would be worth it. She wanted to make the Confessor suffer greatly for killing Kiana.
A tantalizing smile spread across her face at the thought of the making Kahlan Amnell suffer. She absentmindedly began running a hand through her long wet auburn hair as she returned to the camp, thoughts of torturing her mercilessly running through her mind.
Maybe she could let Denna have the Seeker, especially if she received the Mother Confessor and Aydindril in return. Kirsten hoped that she had made a wise decision. She supposed she could always alter their agreement. Once they had captured the Mother Confessor and the Seeker, she could kill Kahlan and keep Richard to be trained, taking him as her mate. If Denna didn't accept the change in their deal, then she would turn the army against her, eliminating her once and for all. Kirsten smiled to herself at the idea.
"Mistress Kirsten!"
Kirsten stopped before entering her tent, turning to see Mistress Rachel coming towards her. Her hair was dark brown, her eyes a dark brown, her stride determined. Rachel was a close friend, having been born in the same village as Kiana and Kirsten. They had been abducted with several other friends at the age of ten when their village had been raided by the Mord'Sith.
"What is it Rachel?"
"Denna has returned," Rachel replied with disdain, a sneer on her lips.
"So soon? I thought we had agreed to start for Aydindril the day after tomorrow," Kirsten replied with a frown.
"Denna said she's changed her mind. She thinks we should leave today."
"Oh, really? What makes Denna think that she is in charge?" Kirsten sneered, her emerald eyes narrowed with brewing anger. She was definitely not liking how Denna was already changing things.
"Because if you don't listen to me, you won't get what you want."
Kirsten turned at the sound of her voice. Seeing Denna coming around the other side of the tent, the hair began to stand up on the back of Kirsten's neck. The smug look on Denna's face only fueled Kirsten's anger and her apprehension while making her blood run cold.
XXX
She stood before the mirror, shocked by what she saw in the reflection there. Bruises lined her face, dark shadows lay beneath her once bright blue eyes, her cheeks were hollowed, her skin pale. With a shaky hand, she ran her fingers down her dark hair that only hung now to her jaw line. Tears welled up in her eyes as she absorbed what had happened to her once beautiful long hair.
The Mord'Sith had taken so much from her. Besides her hair, they had taken her faith in herself, her dignity, her will to go on, her child, and she feared Richard as well. Because of them, she had lost her way and she didn't know how to find it again.
A single tear escaped her eye and slipped down her cheek. She slowly lowered her head as she placed her hands on her belly. She softly caressed the fabric over where Richard's baby had once been. Her mind began to wander, imagining how the baby would have grown in her womb, her belly growing larger every day.
She imagined the baby with Richard's warm brown eyes and hair, his kind smile. She could just see him teaching their daughter everything about the woods, how to track and hunt, which roots were best for eating and which herbs were best for healing. Thoughts of him with their daughter brought a sad smile to her face. He would make a wonderful father someday.
If she had fought harder, been stronger or more careful, their baby would still be alive, growing inside of her. Richard had been elated when she had told him she was with child. There had been a goofy grin on his face ever since then…that is until now.
The look of sorrow in his dark brown eyes pierced her heart, especially knowing that it was she who had put it there. She didn't think she could stand seeing that look in his eye again. Why would he still want to marry her? He had told her to protect herself and the baby, but she had failed him, had let him down.
Richard's words came floating through her mind, ghost-like fingers caressing her mind. "Because it is my fault, Kahlan...If I had protected you better, this never would have happened…" How could Richard think that this was his fault?
Swallowing hard, she let her arms drop limply to her sides. She raised her head to stare once more at her image in the mirror. She didn't know how she was going to survive this or even if she wanted to especially after what had happened that morning with Richard. Right now, everything felt so hopeless. She had pushed away the man that she loved more than life, the one that she leaned on as her source of strength because of the guilt she carried.
"Good to see you're up and about."
Kahlan continued to stare blankly into the mirror despite the warm, comforting voice that had suddenly filled her room. She couldn't break away from the grief-stricken image that was staring back at her, finding it hard to believe how her happiness and her life had been completely devastated in just a few short days.
"I'm glad you're doing better. We've been worried about you. You gave us all quite a scare you know. No one was as concerned as Richard, though. He's been absolutely beside himself sick with worry."
Kahlan lowered her head once more, no longer able to hide her regret for pushing Richard away. It hurt her to know how worried he had been about her. She always seemed to be causing him more pain.
Zedd walked over to sit on the edge of the bed as he watched her. She looked so frail and heartbroken, so unlike the poised, powerful Mother Confessor she had been just a week ago. So much had happened since then.
"Kahlan, he loves you very much," he gently reminded her, his eyes softening from the jovial gleam that had been there when he had first entered the room.
Zedd had seen Richard earlier in the day some time after he had talked to Cara. His grandson had looked devastated as he rushed past him and Cara before storming out of the palace. The look of anger mixed with sorrow in Richard's eyes had told them to stay away. He knew it involved Kahlan so he had decided to give them both some space before checking on the Mother Confessor.
"I know Zedd," she softly choked out, fighting back the onslaught of tears that had tormented her most of the day. "I love him more than I ever thought possible, but how can he still love me after this, after I lost his baby and pushed him away?"
"Child, you two created a life together. Your love with Richard is something very precious and special or else he would have been confessed by your magic."
"Yes, but I lost our daughter." Her bottom lip began to quiver with another sudden wave of grief that came with voicing the painful words.
"Kahlan, it wasn't your fault. You could not have possibly prevented what happened to you."
"Zedd, I'm the Mother Confessor. I should have been strong enough. If I would have fought harder, then…"
"Then you would be dead," the Wizard cut her off. "And the Keeper would have won, Richard would have died of a broken heart, and there would never be another Confessor on the face of the earth."
She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, trying to hold her heart and herself together. She knew Zedd was right but she couldn't let go of the guilt and the shame. "I don't know how to go on," she whispered numbly. "What if Richard doesn't want me anymore?" Every single breath she took caused her heart to ache that much more.
"You go on with Richard's help," he gently replied as he stood to his feet and made his way to stand behind her. "My dear, that boy is so head over heels in love with you that he would go mad if he ever lost you. He's hurting too you know; carrying the weight of what happened to you and your child. He feels it's his fault for not protecting you better. Richard needs you right now just as much as you need him," he finished as he placed his hands on her shoulders.
"I love him so much it almost hurts," she murmured as tears she thought she'd already spent resurfaced in her blue eyes and began falling down her cheeks.
Kahlan turned around, burying her face in the old Wizard's chest as she cried. Wrapping his wiry limbs around her smaller frame, a faint smile crept to his lips as he held her close. "I know, dear one, and Richard knows that too. You two have been through a very traumatic ordeal that has caused you both to temporarily lose your way. It's going to take each other and some time to heal, to find your way back."
"But I don't know if I can find my way back. I'm supposed to be the Mother Confessor and I can't even protect my own child."
"The title Mother Confessor has nothing to do with it, Kahlan. You have a good heart full of compassion and love for the people, a passion for fighting the evil in the world and a moral sense of right and wrong. That's what makes you a good Mother Confessor."
"I just don't know what to think or believe any more."
Pulling back, Zedd lovingly took hold of Kahlan's face. "You will again in time, dear one. You can trust an old Wizard like me. I've been around long enough to know such things. Now, would you like me to do something about your hair?" he grinned broadly at her, a warm twinkle in his eyes.