Chapter Thirty-One
She felt the walls descend on her heart. The bricks laying one on top of the other in a perfect pattern as the cement hardened, sealing them into place. It was her Great Wall of China protecting her heart. It was self-preservation kicking in so she survived the sympathetic glances and reassuring smiles. Most of all, so she could leave without ripping open her barely closed wounds.
Distantly, she was aware of Emily and Steven sprawled out on the couch with a tray of appetizers between them, laughing over some gossip about the hospital. She heard the heavy foot falls above her head as Lil and David ran around playing on the second floor. Brenda was off arranging something, somewhere and in no time would be back to poke and prod at her to eat. Even though she was surrounded by people who loved her, would bring her comfort, she had withdrawn to the blanket spread out on the floor for Della.
Leaning against the sofa, she watched Della move around her wooden blocks as far as her strength could manage. She knocked over a soft pink colored one and then patted at it with her chubby hands. Elizabeth smiled softly at her attempts to grasp it. The smile fell from her lips as her treacherous mind reminded her that a child of her own may never be in her future. Her heart plummeted further. She would never share a child with Jason Morgan again or a future.
Inhaling deeply, Elizabeth helped the infant by picking up the block. Gently, she placed it in one of Della's small hands and brought the other over it so she cradled it on her own. The child thanked Elizabeth with a delighted gurgle and bright grin she had inherited from her father.
"Pigs in a blanket?" Brenda materialized out of nowhere. A tray of the appetizers promptly followed, hovering right under her nose.
"No, thank you," she said as politely as possible, pasting a beaming smile on her lips. She could feel the strain in the muscles of her face from the continuous effort to keep up the pretenses. She knew the others would keep pretending as long as she did. The fight had left her, but she had the resolve to make it through the next two days.
Brenda's lips tightened. "What about a margarita?" She held up the fruity pink drink in offering.
A genuine smile spread on Elizabeth's lips. Mrs. Corinthos, notorious for sticking to the rules when it came to her children, had thrown out "the no alcoholic beverages until the tots are in bed" on her account. "Really, I'm good with my iced tea, Brenda." She pointed to the untouched sweet drink on the coffee-table.
"Are you sure?"
She turned away from the concern that glimmered in Brenda's eyes. "I'm sure," she murmured, her eyes deflected to rest on Della.
"Okay," Brenda unwillingly conceded. "Come on, munchkin," she reached for her daughter. "Bed time," a telephone rang. "Or not," she chuckled. "It must be Sonny. That man has some explaining to do about his tardiness. He has guests waiting for him," she muttered, kissing the baby before heading for the stairs.
Sighing, Elizabeth stretched her legs out and crossed her ankles. The aches in her muscles traveled from the base of her skull straight down to her toes. She would be sore for the rest of the week, but at least her dresser, bookshelf, and all her clothes had been packed with Steven's help today. She just had a few personal items left to collect from around the penthouse to box up.
Della climbed onto her, resting her head on Elizabeth's stomach. Absently, she combed her hands through the infant's soft tresses. Her muscles wept even though she was barely using any energy. Once she was situated at Steven's, she would reward herself with a glass of wine and bubble bath.
Just two more days.
Vaguely, she was aware of Brenda returning to the living room and launching herself at Steven and Emily. Ignoring her suddenly lively friends, she patted Della's back as she listened to the child's breathing even out. Gently, she shifted the baby, careful not to jar her awake as she transported her to the playpen. A soft smile touched her lips to study the child's tranquil expression, completely innocent and fragile.
"Liz!"
Elizabeth's spine went rigid straight at the sound of Lil's shout. Startled, she laid one hand on Della's back just as the four year old barreled down the staircase in the Corinthos penthouse and straight at her.
The nanny caught the streak of gold in her arms, dividing her attention between the infant and toddler. After making sure Della hadn't woken, she shifted her attention to Lil. She peered down at the child in concern. "What is it?" she asked, her ears still ringing.
"Can you go get my Sesame Street DVDs?" the toddler asked sweetly. "Please," she batted her eyelashes. "David and I want to see Cookie Monster and Elmo."
Her equilibrium off, Elizabeth nodded her head. "Of course."
"Thank you!" Lil said, her voice full of excitement. She threw her arms around Elizabeth's legs and kissed her thigh. "Thank you." With one last squeeze, Lil spun away and rushed up the stairs.
"You're welcome," Elizabeth called out after her. Smiling to herself, she turned for the door to only bump into Brenda.
Clasping both of Elizabeth's upper arms, her friend kept her in place and smiled widely at her. "Don't hurry back now," she sing-songed before letting her go to only twirl around her and push her towards the door.
Bewildered by Brenda's weird behavior, Elizabeth shrugged it off and continued on her way out.
"Take all the time you need finding those DVDs," Emily piped up from the couch.
She turned to her best friend in confusion. "It's a box set. It won't take that long to find," she replied, eyebrows furrowed.
"Are you sure about that?" Steven weighed in, his expression completely serious. "Are you really sure about that?" He shrugged. "I'm just saying your rooms a mess, it might take longer than you think to find it, maybe come across something else while you're looking for Sesame Street."
"Uh…okay…" Elizabeth trailed off, eying her suddenly bizarre friends and brother. "I'll be right back," she said, pointing at the door. She shook off their strange behavior. They were all acting like she was off on a grand adventure to discover the legendary Atlantis instead of a simple DVD. There had to be some extra ingredient in the margaritas Brenda had mixed. It was a good thing she hadn't bothered with the drink.
Shrugging off the weirdness, Elizabeth tucked her hands into the deep pockets of her white cardigan and began to cross the short hallway just as the elevator dinged and the doors glided open. Pausing, she waited for the occupants on the cart to exit before she headed to the empty penthouse across the hall.
"Hey shortie," Francis greeted her, stepping off the elevator. He dropped a quick kiss on the top of her head and kept on walking. "See ya tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" she repeated, following him with her eyes as he walked around her and into the Corinthos penthouse. "Where—"
Elizabeth cut herself off when a pair of burly arms wrapped around her and raised her a good foot off the ground. She was smothered in a bear hug. "Max!" she shrieked in surprise.
"Bye kid," he replied, gently setting her down on her feet. "Pigs in a blanket await."
She gaped at Max's back as he strutted past her and through the open penthouse door. A hand on her elbow brought her attention to another Musketeer. "Oh, Adam," she gasped, startled by his appearance. "Hi."
"Hi," he grinned down at her.
"What's with those two?"
"Just happy, I guess," Adam shrugged, already moving away. "Have a great night, Elizabeth."
There had to be something in the water. There was no other reason why Adam would be acting so strange as well. Francis and Max, she could understand, but Adam? The sane one other than Johnny? Yup, there was definitely something in the water.
"Hey Elizabeth," Johnny murmured, pulling her into a warm hug.
She hugged him back, patting his back awkwardly.
Pulling back, he smiled at her. His green eyes glinting down at her. "I promise to save you a slice of chocolate mousse cake with whip cream and ice cream." And with that comment and a comforting squeeze, he too headed for the Corinthos penthouse.
Elizabeth stared after him. "Huh?"
"Good evening, Elizabeth," Sonny's smooth voice filled the hallway.
Ignoring all the pleasantries, she turned to Sonny exasperated. She was more frustrated than ever tonight. To have to deal with the odd manners of the Four Musketeers after the three aliens who had abducted her best friends and brother on top of the stress of packing and keeping it together had her wound up super tight. She was a ticking time bomb counting down to detonation. "What's going on? It's like the twilight zone here tonight."
Sonny chuckled, taking off his suit coat and neatly folding it over his arm. "Good night, Elizabeth," he answered, kissing her cheek as he passed her by and walked into his penthouse.
Utterly baffled by everyone's odd behavior, Elizabeth strode across the hall and into the Morgan penthouse. Maybe she'd pack for a few minutes to give them some time to return to Earth and start acting like themselves again. Pulling out her keys to the penthouse, she pondered how her friends and brother were behaving. It stung a little that they had waved off her farewell party so casually.
Entering the vacant penthouse, she closed the door behind her. Leaning her shoulder against the oak wood, she gave up on the pretenses and enjoyed the silence that permeated through the Morgan penthouse. Taking advantage of the moment to herself, she rested all her weight against the sturdy door. She felt the fatigue invade and conquer her muscles, taking captive her strength.
She wanted nothing more than to close her eyes and wake up a good three weeks ago when nothing in her world had been disturbed. She would still have a steady job, still be able to hold onto a child's unconditional love, and she wouldn't have realized she was in love with Jason Morgan. What she wouldn't give to turn back the clock for the chance to stay with the Morgans.
"Elizabeth?"
Now, she was hearing things because she could swear Jason was calling her name. Closing her eyes, she wrapped her arms around her waist and leaned into the door. She would rest a few more seconds before she went to find Lil's DVDs. Just for another minute, she would enjoy the tranquility of being home.
"Elizabeth, are you okay?"
His voice was closer now, stronger.
Releasing a soft sigh, Elizabeth turned until her spine was aligned perfectly with the door. Her eyes fluttered open and the sight of a scruffy, rumpled Jason Morgan holding Mr. Floppy filled her line of vision. Now, she was definitely hallucinating.
"Hey," he whispered, taking a step forward to tuck in a lock of wayward hair behind her ear. His knuckles graved her cheek, snapping her back to reality. Startled, she moved back to collide into the door. The impact barely fazed her; she was more occupied by his appearance.
"Hi," she forced out, wrapping her fingers around his wrist. She wanted nothing more than to lean into his warm touch. Fighting the urge, she pulled his hand away. Instantly, she released him so that his hand swung back to his side.
Her eyes tortured her as they ran over him on their own accord. He was dressed in his usual attire, blue jeans and a simple gray t-shirt, but he looked worse for wear. Days old scruff ran the length of his strong jaw. It was as though he hadn't bothered shaving since the last time she had seen him two days ago. The skin under his eyes was worn and red from probably continuous rubbing and her assumption was correct. With his free hand, he roughly ran his backhand against his eye. As battered and weathered as he appeared, his eyes remained as piercing and alert as the first day she had gazed into them.
Pale blue eyes followed her every movement, flickering over her constantly. They trailed over her, studying and observing methodically. It was disconcerting, but holding her chin up, she denied herself the privilege of reading the brushstrokes of emotions painted carefully across his uncharacteristically expressive face. With a smooth pivot on her heels, Elizabeth headed for the stairs. She had things to do and deliberately chipping away at her heart wasn't one of them.
"Are you okay?" he asked again.
"I'm fine," she replied flatly. Without pause, she continued up the stairs. The hollow sound of her heels meeting wood echoed in the still penthouse.
"Wait," he called out after her.
She wanted nothing more than to ignore him and clamor up the remaining steps, but the soft ache in his voice left her paralyzed.
"Just wait a minute," he pleaded. "I just need a minute of your time. I promise I won't take long."
The logical side of her brain ordered her to go upstairs and put as much distance between her and Jason Morgan until she left in two days. The irrational side, the one conspiring against her with her heart, urged her to hear what the man had to say. Against her better judgment, Elizabeth turned on her heels again, blocked out any intelligent thought, and exposed herself to the pain she knew was to come.
Stepping back into the living room, she faced him straight on. Her spine erect and her body ready to flee at any sign of danger. Tucking her hands into her pockets, she fastened her gaze on Mr. Floppy and waited patiently. "You have your minute, Jason," she said as calmly as she could. A storm of emotions raged under her skin. "Use it wisely."
"Thank you," he said sincerely.
An awkward silence seeped in between them and Elizabeth found herself trying not to tap her foot.
"So," he cleared his throat. "Lil gave you Mr. Floppy?"
She nodded her head, holding her hand out. "Can I have him back?"
His sandy blond eyebrows rose in surprise. "Of course," he mumbled, handing over Mr. Floppy. "We wanted to get you something else, but she decided Mr. Floppy was the perfect gift."
She drew the stuffed animal close, the soft velvet fur and the lingering scent of Lil's baby lotion brought her comfort.
"Can we sit down?" he asked, gesturing to the couch. When she didn't move, he added, "Please."
With lead legs, she walked to the corner of the sofa closest to the stairs. Perched on the edge of the cushion, she fisted her hands in her pockets and waited as he followed her to the couch. He sat closer than she had expected, separated by only mere inches. Thankfully, she had placed Mr. Floppy between them, a barrier she found soothing to her frazzled nerves.
A long silence stretched out between them.
Staring straight ahead, Elizabeth waited for him to break the silence. For all she knew, there was nothing left for them to discuss. She had said her part and he had said his. She had received the message loud and clear. She had accepted it and now all she wanted to do was lick her wounds in private.
An ache began to take form in her throat. Dragging in a deep breath, she remained frozen in place, waiting for the other shoe to drop already. She felt him shift and then exhale a long breath. She felt his eyes on her, skimming over her again, sending her nerve endings screaming in defense and her muscles preparing for flight.
"I need to tell you something," he murmured.
She nodded her head in permission for him to continue.
"I should have told you this earlier. It would have made things easier," his voice was hoarse and tired. "For us, for everyone."
The ache intensified, making swallowing impossible.
Again silence filled the room.
He shifted again. Using her periphery, she watched him spread his legs apart and clasp his hands between him.
"I never explained my life to you," Jason began to only pause again. "More importantly, I never explained my relationship with Sam." He bowed his head for a moment before raising his gaze to stare off. "We…I…," he struggled, his jaw moving from side to side as he concentrated on finding the words. "There was no grand love story about how we met. It was almost ordinary. One day, she walked into the coffee house and I happened to be there." His eyebrows rose, wrinkling his forehead before they fell back into place. "I can't even remember how it happened, but one minute we were having coffee and the next we were moving in together."
He shrugged, hands still clasped, rubbing his thumbs against each other. "We fell into a routine. Sam lived her life. I lived mine and at the end of the day we came home to someone. Someone I could love and trust." He tilted his head to the side, his lips parting. "I had something in my life then that I hadn't experienced since I woke up from my accident. I was normal. For those few years, I was normal."
A tender smile touched his lips, pounding against her defenses.
"Then, we had Lil," she could hear the joy in his voice. "I never thought I would have a child," he shrugged, the awe and disbelief still apparent in his eyes. "But I did and she was unexpected, but I love her more than I thought possible," he shook his head. "I can't regret her. If I didn't have Lil…" his voice wavered.
With a slight tip of her head, Elizabeth was able to study Jason's sharp profile. A rare faraway look filled his eyes and the emotions ran clear along the lines of his face. She saw the love of a father for his child, the dedication, and wonder. She felt the brigade guarding her heart ease up a fraction at the raw emotion she witnessed.
He rubbed his temple, his movements unsteady. "After Lil was born, my life really was even more normal. I came home to a family every night, but then things changed." He paused to clear his throat. "I don't even know when it started. Maybe when Sam was pregnant and the Ruiz family arrived in Port Charles," he shook his head as if to sort his thoughts. "I know I was overbearing then with the security. I got on everyone's nerves about it. Even Sonny was frustrated with me."
She didn't know what else to do, so she quietly nodded her head.
"I guess it happened then. I was too busy trying to protect everyone that I forgot to just take a moment and enjoy my life." She didn't hear regret in his voice, but acceptance and understanding. "I—when Sam left, I no longer had the ease I had gotten so comfortable with. I realized how vulnerable I had become then." The muscles convulsed in his throat as he swallowed. "It hurt. I was so vulnerable that it hurt like someone had ripped my heart out. It was worse because I had an infant I had to raise on my own."
Her hands latched onto the edge of the sofa on each side of her thighs. She wanted to bolt. She felt compassion swirl around her for the man sitting next to her. She understood that he had been dealt an unfair hand in life. She got that, she really did, but she didn't understand what it had to do with her. He was quite sure where she belonged or didn't belong in his life.
"I promised myself I would never be that vulnerable again." Conviction and resignation were laced with the raw admission. "I promised myself I would never let that happen again to my daughter."
She nodded her head at no one in particular.
With both hands, he covered his face and remained just like that for a moment. "It's why I had to catch myself," he murmured, his hands dropping to his lap. "It's so easy to be around you. I don't have to think. I don't have to worry. I can just be."
She heard his words. She did hear them, but her mind registered the ones he had said recently right where they were sitting at that moment. The ones that had shattered her heart and hope.
"We—I can't...I can't do this."
"I'm sorry, Elizabeth."
Vaguely, she heard his words. Her fists tightened on the fabric of the sofa.
"I'm so sorry, Elizabeth." The sofa dipped towards her as he moved closer. "I let my past steer me and I didn't think of how this was different. How you were different."
Drawing in a slow breath, she nodded her head. One by one, her fingers released the sofa and she found herself on her feet. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for explaining. I know how hard it must have been for you, so thank you."
With those words, Elizabeth turned for the stairs. It was as close to closure as she would get with Jason Morgan.
"Damn it," he growled, his fingers closing around her wrist. "God, I keep screwing this up. Please just hear me out."
Tears burned her eyes as she remained frozen in place. His touch burned her skin, but she didn't release herself from the pain. She stood there and endured it. It would be one of her last memories of him. His fingers fell away and she felt the heat of his body surround her as he stepped up behind her to clasp her arms from behind.
"I just don't want to see you get hurt," he said right against her ear. His hand caressing the exact place the bullet had pierced her skin over two weeks ago. She was filled with a warm languid feeling only he was able to invoke in her.
"I'm already hurting," she admitted on a broken whisper, escaping from his touch. She faced him and let the mask fall away. The tears promptly followed. "I may have been the one to set all this in motion when I resigned, but I have regretted the decision from the moment I made it." She inhaled a ragged breath. "I never wanted to leave and a part of me wanted to believe you felt the same way, but the last few days you've all, but pushed me out the door."
An eerie silence fell over the penthouse as they both absorbed her quiet admission.
Wrapping her arms around her waist to hold onto something solid, she stared at the floor through blurred vision. With her eyes, she traced the edges of each block of wood weaved together, anything to distract her from the overwhelming pain that battled to breach the defenses surrounding her heart.
"You never said anything…"
His words were deafening to her ears. They snapped something in her, sparking unexpected anger she didn't know she could still feel.
"You don't get it, do you?" She snapped, harshly wiping away her foolish tears. "This became my home. No one ever wants to willingly leave a place that makes them feel safe and protected," her throat burned, but she listened to her brother's words echoing in her ears. She fought as Steven had urged her, unleashing the sudden fury coursing through her. "I never wanted to leave Lil. I love her," the tears cascaded down her face. "I never wanted to leave my home, my friends, even you."
She shook her head, her hair catching in her tears. "You just never saw it. I never told you how I really felt. Never gave you the words." She found courage to say the words. "I love you." Ambivalence overwhelmed her, relief to have finally said the words to the person they were meant for and heartache to know she would never hear them back. "I fell in love you. I love how you would do anything for Lil. That you go above and beyond for your friends." She smiled sadly. "I love how you don't seem to know what to do with your hands when you get nervous." She laughed softly. "And you do get nervous."
Closing her eyes, she told herself to breathe. Sniffling, she struggled to get a hold of her emotions. Pursing her lips, she muffled the sobs that fought to fill the silence. Her brain screamed at her to run. If she kept standing there, she would have leave in two days with nothing more than her heart in her hands.
She could hear the clock ticking in the penthouse entwined with her breathing as she remained in place, eyes on the floor, standing before Jason, who had yet to speak let alone give any signs he was still breathing.
God, she was a fool. A pathetic fool.
Her shoulders fell in defeat. "Your minute's up. I heard what you had to say."
"I'm so sorry."
She shook her head. She didn't want any sympathy, especially his. She just wanted to be left alone to keep building her defenses so she could heal from the loss she was experiencing.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I'm doing to you what Sam did to me."
Her eyes snapped open at the guilt ridden admission. Their gazes locked and she was no longer able to run from the raw emotions clearly reflected in the blue depths she loved. The newly laid bricks heaved under the weight of the revelation.
A collage of emotions marred Jason's face as he studied her. Guilt blended with regret. Anguish smeared over a hint of joy. Longing laced with determination. A crack began in the foundation of the wall and slowly crumbled the fortress surrounding her heart.
His heart breaking with each passing second he stood immobile watching the tears stream down Elizabeth's beautiful face. Guilt overwhelmed him to know he had pushed her so far, that he had caused her more grief than anyone had the right to. If she would have him, he would spend the rest of his life making up for his blunders. The bells were still ringing in his head that he was only now realizing that he was hurting Elizabeth the way Sam had hurt him.
He recognized the pain in Elizabeth's eyes. It was the same pain that had stared back at him in the mirror for nearly a year after Sam had left him. He saw the hopelessness he had felt written on the furrow of her eyebrows. He saw the confusion of nowhere to turn as he had aimlessly wandered. He may not have walked out on Elizabeth, but he had abandoned her by not holding onto her as he should have from the start.
"I've really royally screwed this up," he said, closing the distance between them. Tentatively, Jason cupped her face. A relieved sigh escaping his parted lips when she leaned into his touch. "I'm so stupid," he whispered before dipping his head and brushing his lips across hers. He tasted the salty tears and the pain. It was a brief kiss, but it reinvigorated and filled him with determination.
Pulling back, he closed his eyes and ran the pad of his thumb back and forth against her smooth skin. He inhaled the scent of lilacs and lavenders. He wanted to wake up to that sweet aroma. He wanted the chance to mend her broken heart and give her what he had denied her.
"I can't give you those words right now," he admitted. "I can't say them because you did." He heard her sharp intake of air and then her body stiffen. Holding on fast, he rushed on. "It doesn't mean I don't feel them. I feel them and so much more." He did. He was in love with Elizabeth Webber just hadn't realize it until it was almost too late. "I won't say them just because you did. I want to say them on my own." He released a low, husky laugh. "I felt it the first time you said it the other night."
His eyes fluttered open to stare into her surprised cobalt blue eyes.
He smirked. "You're a lousy drunk."
She tried to smack his arm away.
Jason smiled pulling her in against his chest. He inhaled deeply and met her gaze. "What I'm trying to say is," he paused to gauge her reaction. She studied him patiently, but he saw the pain and uncertainty linger in her gaze.
He ran with the idea of making Elizabeth and Lil happy and himself in the process, so he took a risk. He took a risk on love. He stepped out of his path and cut himself a slice of humble pie.
"I'm asking you to stay," he rasped. "I'm begging you to stay."