Chibi-Kari: No one kill me for this chapter! The glee club, Jesse, and Shelby will be back next chapter! I'm out of town for the weekend, so don't expect anything that quick! I still don't own, but I love all the feedback (especially the comment that even Jonathan Groff was confused during the finale)! The audition moment was formulated after a Q&A session from some West End actors at the school nearby that I saw. Enjoy and please leave a comment aftere the button!
Grew up in a town that is famous as a place of movie scenes. Noise is always loud. There are sirens all around and the streets are mean. If I could make it here I could make it anywhere. That's what they say. Seeing my face in lights or my name in marquees found down on Broadway.
I'm going to make it by any means. I got a pocketful of dreams.
-"Empire State of Mind (Part II)" Alicia Keys
It wasn't anything like she thought or heard. There was no pain. She thanked ballet for that. And Ryan. Well she had heard Santana talk about the wonders of a dating musician, piano players in fact. Rachel could safely include guitarists in that category. The things he could do with his hands left her mind reeling.
After there was no awkward moments. They both threw clothes back on and went to the party. There wasn't a single feeling of regret after. She was numb. She probably wouldn't have even known if she regretted it because she couldn't shake that numb from earlier away. But logically, she didn't regret this. Those numb feelings had dissipated during and had filled her up with something else. And they were careful and it was amazing. Sure, there were no declarations of undying love or rose petals on the floor. Instead, ironically, there was Starstrukk by 3oh!3 featuring Katy Perry playing in the background.
The only reason she even knew that song was because Puck had wanted to be 3oh!3. He never understood that they were being ironic no matter how many times Rachel tried to explain it. And the fact of the matter was Rachel found them funny, too. "Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef that I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him." Classic. Sure mostly obscene and rude, but horrible funny.
Rachel hummed along as LDN came blasting out of the speakers. Lily Allen, another artist that was mildly offensive, but all the more lovable for it.
"You ever gunna sing for us?" Ryan sidled up next to her gesturing to the makeshift stage with a nod.
"Have a karaoke version of Gangsta's Paradise?" She raised an eyebrow at him.
Ryan's eyes widened. "Seriously?"
Rachel laughed, shaking her head, "I don't do Coolio. I'm just kidding."
Ryan dramatically placed a hand on his chest, "Oh thank God! I thought I had lost you to the soulless masses."
Rachel slapped his arm slightly, "Hey, don't knock that song!"
He held up his hands in defense, "I'm not. I'm not! But seriously, when are you going to show off these supposed skills. I'm starting to doubt they really exist."
"Fine!" Rachel huffed slightly. Performing here was more unnerving than any other performance. She had been putting off the entire idea. They didn't want show tunes here. They didn't want something that you couldn't quite connect to. These kids, every one of them that went up there, connected to their music. Dancing was a different thing entirely, but when someone went up there, there was a sense of truth in the song. Rachel wasn't sure she wanted to tell the truth.
"Go up there." Ryan nudged her. "It'll help."
Rachel swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before nodding slightly, "Can I borrow your guitar?"
Ryan nodded before gesturing for her to go up on the makeshift stage.
She picked up the acoustic guitar gently. It wasn't common knowledge, but she played quite well. She stroked if lightly as she heard the music turn off.
"Hi, everyone. I'm Alicia's cousin, Rachel. Do to popular demand I'm going to sing you a song." Her mind raced slightly as the kids in the room turned to look at her. She needed something that expressed what she felt. What she had felt this year. Everything with her "friends", mother, Jesse, Finn… just everything. It came into her head and she was strumming the chords before she could even wonder if she still remembered the words.
This is the place where I sit. This is the part where I love you too much. Is this as hard as it gets? 'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough. I'm here if you want me. I'm yours, you can hold me. I'm empty and achin' and tumblin' and breakin'.
Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. The way I know you could.
I dream a world where you understand. I dream a million sleepless nights. I dream of fire when you're touching my hand, but it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights.
I'm speechless and faded. It's too complicated. Is this how the book ends - nothing but good friends?
Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. And you don't love me the way I wish you would.
This is the place in my heart. This is the place where I'm falling apart. Isn't this just where we met? And is this the last chance that I'll ever get? I wish I was lonely instead of just "only" crystal and see-through and not enough to you.
Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. Cause you don't see me. And you don't need me. And you don't love me the way I wish you would. The way I know you could.
It was silent for a moment before the room broke out into applause. Rachel blushed as she set the guitar back on the stand and exited the makeshift stage. This was different than anything she ever had to do before. Going up there she wasn't acting like she did in Glee. She was herself. The entire situation felt naked and uncomfortable, but somehow liberating.
"Wow." Ryan stood next to Alicia who was smiling brightly, "I know Li told me you could sing, but wow."
Rachel blushed again, "Thanks."
"Movie soundtrack?" Alicia lifted her eyebrow slightly, "Wasn't expecting that."
"Hey! Josie and the Pussycats was a perfectly acceptable movie!" Rachel laughed in response.
"Hey." A boy with dark brown hair and eyes came up to the group, "I heard you up there. You're amazing. Are you here to try out for musicals?"
Rachel was shocked at the question. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind since she saw her cousin in the airport. Instead she was focused on having fun and being somewhere else. And it was really impossible, "I can't. I'm part of a competing glee club. We're competing in Nationals here the month after next thus I'm prohibited from working."
"You're still going to compete with them?" Alicia's voice held an air of incredulity.
"Well, yeah. They can't compete if I don't. They won't have enough people."
"You aren't even going back there, Ray. And after everything that happened. You're just going to stand up there and sing with them?" Alicia was completely flabbergasted as she shook her head in disbelief.
She stopped mid-nod and thought about it. She hadn't even looked at any of the new music. And they could compete. There were enough people after the three incoming freshman joined. They could compete with them. There really wasn't anything holding her there. "Maybe I will."
The new boy nodded slightly, "You should. My uncle is holding auditions next month for a new avant-garde musical. I think you'd be perfect for one of the roles."
"Justin's uncle is really good." Alicia gestured to the boy slightly, "Ashley's trying out for one of the roles, too."
"Same role, but you'd be better." Justin leered at her slightly and she suddenly wanted nothing to do with him.
"Thanks. I'll think about it." Rachel almost wanted to shudder. This boy was worse than Jacob back in Ohio.
He nodded slightly before heading off. He stopped before throwing over his shoulder, "I'll send the info over to Alicia later."
"I'll be right back. Angi looks like she's going to break the speakers." Ryan took off across the room leaving Rachel and Alicia standing there.
"He's creepy." Rachel muttered slightly.
Alicia just laughed, "That's Justin. This would be a great opportunity for you. His uncle is a great director and it could be your way in."
"I'd rather not have anything to do with him." Rachel gestured towards Justin.
"Ray, sometimes you have to do whatever it takes. Talent only gets you a quarter of the way there. The rest is determination." Alicia suddenly seemed weary.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Alicia forced a smile on her face before taking off into the crowd, "Don't worry about it. Let's celebrate your new freedom!"
Rachel couldn't help but smile. Things were looking up. She was still numb, but that didn't seem to bother her. She had what she wanted. Things were working out for her. Finally she would get what she wanted. "Let's go!"
A month later Rachel knew exactly what "do what it takes" meant. Every girl that was in there was perfect. They were all beautiful, cultured, and could sing. They were everything she dreamed of and she no longer shined here. It was a harsh knock to all of her dreams. She could feel them crashing down as she stood for hour three just waiting to audition. She never realized how this was going to go, but for some reason she thought people would just lie down and give her jobs. Instead she was just another nameless face in a sea of women and she didn't know how to make herself standout. She had seen Ashley, but the girl that was friendly at a party was different here. She had blown Rachel off and criticized her for even being there.
Rachel had always heard it was a dog eat dog world, but she didn't realize how petty people could be. At one point two girls had fought and been escorted off the premises. But it wasn't until after her audition that she realized this was a lot harder than she ever thought. And it wouldn't get easier until she made a name for herself. At this moment she wasn't even sure how she could do that.
These important people that she thought would be impress her just stared at her blankly when she walked in. After her rendition of Don't Rain on My Parade she thought they would clap or at least smile, but nothing had happened. Instead they just waved her away with a "we'll call you if we're interested." It was devastating and Rachel wasn't sure what she was supposed to do anymore.
"How did it go?" Ashley walked up to Rachel and nudged her slightly.
Rachel just stared at her dumbfounded, "Why would you care?"
"Hey, you are new to this. You can't expect for people to bend over and I'm not going to share any of my audition secrets with you. I want the part just as bad as you do. Out here we aren't friends. We're competition and you have to do whatever it takes to get what you want." Ashley sighed slightly before pushing herself off the wall she was leaning on, "I'll see you tonight. Billy's having another party."
Rachel sighed slightly leaning back on to the brick wall. She didn't feel any thrill from auditioning, like she thought she would. Instead she felt tired. Some of the insults she heard fired in there put the Cheerios and Sue to shame.
"Think you got the part?" Justin's voice startled Rachel.
"I don't know. I tried my best." She tried to avoid his eye sight and picked up her back that she had dropped by her feet and started to walk away.
"You could get it."
She felt herself stopping and turning against her will, "What do you mean?"
"Oh a little mutual back scratching. Everyone does it nowadays. Look at the MMS and the oil industry. Probably a bad example, but mutual back scratching put them both ahead for awhile at least."
"Mutual back scratching?" Rachel echoed. It seemed underhanded, but she had a feeling she knew exactly what he was talking about. There was that moment in the movie Fame where the same type of thing happened. Granted there was no video camera, but if felt the same. Cheap and dirty.
"Think about it." He turned to walk away.
"You can guarantee a part?" She could see her chance walking away. Her big chance to make it. It was like Alicia had said. You had to be willing to do anything and Rachel decided she would make it by any means.
"I guarantee that part."
Rachel took a large swig out of the beer before her after relaying the story to Alicia and Ashley, why she would even tell them was beyond her. But she was five beers in feeling distinctly separated from her consciousness.
"Well, a blow job is a lot better than what I had to do for that part on CSI. Damn." Alicia swore to herself lightly, "And at least he's not bad looking."
"He didn't ask you to call him God after, did he?" Ashley laughed slightly.
Rachel felt her eyes widen. "You did it, too!"
"Not for this production, but yeah. About a year ago. A low point in my life, but worth it. I don't have to do things like that now that I have a show under my belt. But don't tell Day. He still doesn't know."
"You weren't dating him at the time, were you?" Rachel leaned forward.
"Maybe, maybe not." Ashley laughed lightly. "I think you need a pick me up. Something stronger than that beer after that. But congrats!"
Rachel leaned back slightly as Ashley felt around in her purse. A victory like this felt hollow. She didn't even know for sure if she had gotten the part, but the chance was too hard to pass up. She closed her eyes slightly. She suddenly felt like she didn't know who she was anymore. She had all these dreams and nothing was how she imagined. And she wasn't sure if she was okay with that.