Chibi-Kari: I'm back! And guess what! I've started on another story...I'm halfway through chapter two there. It's a future fic starring Beth, Jesse, and Rachel. Here's a little promo:
"Beth." Jesse sounded tired suddenly and it reminded her that it was almost two in the morning. "You need to respect her wishes. If she doesn't want you in her life you can't just force your way in."
"And what about my wishes? She doesn't know me! She doesn't know anything about me! I want her to know me! I want her to be a part of my life! Why does she get to dictate this?"
Jesse flinched and closed his eyes tightly as they pulled up to a red light, "I know it doesn't seem fair, Beth, but do you think her life has been fair? Do you think that she's never had to go along with other people's wishes? And now you're running into her life and expecting her to love you without knowing her. That's not fair either."
What do you guys think? Feedback is always loved! I don't own Glee...but I'd be nice and rich if I did! On to the next chapter!
And her feeling she hides. Her dream she can't find. She's losing her mind. She's fallen behind and she can't find her place. She's losing her faith. She's fallen from grace. She's all over the place.
-"Nobody's Home" Avril Lavigne
Rachel tried to catch her breath as she leaned against the wall. Them coming here was the very last thing she had expected. Actually, she would have categorized it under impossible just three hours ago. Instead of enjoying her life she was pulled off of Ryan to find herself behind Jesse. It had completely ruined her buzz, not to mention the spirit of celebration they had going on. So here she was locked in a room alone shocked. She didn't know what to think anymore. She hadn't wanted to be this person that she became, but it was too late. She enjoyed this new Rachel. She was free and did what she needed to get where she wanted. She was strong. The Rachel she left back in Ohio was weak. She never did what it took to be who she wanted. Instead she tried to fit in and never did. She was used and abandoned. That wouldn't happen to new Rachel. This Rachel was jaded and if someone was doing any abandoning it would be her. She wouldn't let people hurt her again.
"Rachel?" She jumped slightly when she heard Ryan call through the door. "You okay?"
She nodded slightly before realizing that he couldn't see her. She couldn't stop herself from giggling. Maybe her buzz wasn't completely gone. She tore the door open and Ryan almost fell into the room. "You shouldn't lean on doors. That's asking for trouble."
Ryan nodded absently while he straightened himself, "And you shouldn't insult adults. That's only asking for trouble."
Rachel shrugged slightly, "What are they going to do? Call my parents. Please. My dads couldn't do anything to stop me. What are they going to do? Ground me. I'm getting everything I wanted. Everything they wanted from me. I don't need anything else."
Ryan eyed her slightly before grinning. He took a few steps forward before pulling her flush against his body. His hands ghosted up her sides, "Nothing else?"
Rachel felt her eyes flutter closed. She smirked folding her hands into the hair on the back of his neck, "Want and need are two different things. And yeah I do want that."
He leaned forward and she could feel him smile. Nothing else mattered right now.
She woke up the next morning to find herself laying facedown on her and Alicia's bed. She felt like crap and she wasn't sure how she got home. She only had a vague memory of her entire glee club and Jesse and Shelby showing up at the party. She prayed that that was just her imagination. Actually, it seemed like a very real possibility, but she somehow knew they were there.
She blindly groped for Alicia, but only felt air. Rachel was sure that he had never ever felt this bad in her entire life. For once she couldn't think of a good reason to go out and do what she normally did. Granted, it was a celebration. But right now it felt like the party had moved inside her brain where they were all jumping up and down in unison.
"Feel like crap?" His voice shocked her and she held as still as she could. Maybe he would go away. "Rachel, I know you're awake. Your stiffening makes it obvious."
She slowly brought herself into a sitting position and almost immediately regretted it. The room spun wildly and she had a feeling that her train of thought wasn't going to come back anytime soon. Her thoughts seemed to be rushing through her mind without much cohesiveness.
"I think I'm still drunk."
Mr. Schuester thrust a glass of water in front of her and an aspirin. "That's the dehydration talking.
She eyed him carefully before taking both and nodding her thanks.
He sighed as he looked her over. She was a mess and there wasn't even a shred of the girl that had once told him how important it was to be a part of something, "What are you doing to yourself?"
"What am I doing to myself?" Rachel scoffed. How dare he walk into her room and ask her that. How dare he walk into her life when it was finally going some where? When she had finally found people that wanted her around. "I'm fitting in. I'm making a name for myself. I'm becoming everything I ever dreamed of!" Her voice was harsh and she could almost feel herself believing her own words.
"No you aren't. You're destroying your mind and body! And most of all you're destroying your future."
"Excuse me, Mr. Schuester. I was given the lead role in an off-Broadway show. How is that ruining my future? I think that's embracing it." She finished the last of the water and felt a bit more like she could follow the conversation. She couldn't stop herself from thinking that she would be able to follow it better if Mr. Schue took his head out of his ass.
"You can't expect to give a good performance if you act like this in your spare time? You can't wake up in the morning hung over and go to work. All this alcohol and whatever the hell else you've been taking can ruin your voice! You look like a mess! I understand that you're angry with everything that happened with Finn, Jesse, Shelby, everything. I understand, but you can't throw everything away. That's selfish. You have to respect that not everything is going to go your way. Throwing things away like this is stupid. Think of your future. What if Broadway doesn't pan out? You won't have a high school diploma to fall back on."
Rachel was infuriated. She couldn't even bring herself to speak for a moment. "You want me to respect other people's wishes? To let them all walk out of my life. To let them all dictate what is best for me or really them? What about me? What about my wishes? Am I supposed to always roll over and let other people just give away what I want. Am I supposed to say, 'Oh, Shelby, I'm glad that you're happy now with your daughter. It's okay that you didn't want me even though I needed you. It's okay that you think that I'm too old and don't need you even though I'm drowning.' Yeah. That's what you're saying isn't it?"
Her voice was cold and Will shook his head slightly to brush it off, "That's not what I meant, Rachel. You're strong. You don't need their negativity. You can make it yourself."
"I know. That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm making it myself. I'm making it my way. I don't need any of them. I don't need you. I don't need to be a part of something, but I am now. I'm more apart of those people than I ever was of that glee club. I'm replaceable as Kurt liked to remind me. And just for your information I will be getting a degree. The arts school my cousin goes to allows for time off to work. I'll finish my education, but you don't need to worry about that. With or without your vote of confidence I will make it. I don't need anyone to tell me about it. This is my dream and I will make it come true. Now if you would kindly leave." She pointed to the door and tried to keep her face impassive.
He stared at her a moment longer before nodding his head. He stood quickly and crossed the room. She watched him hesitate in the doorway before glancing over his shoulder at her, "You're wrong about one thing, Rachel. What you're doing isn't your dream and this isn't you."
He left silently after that. Rachel stared down at her hands. She couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. She didn't want to move. She didn't want to think.
"Rachel?" Her cousin's voice was quiet, but Rachel could hear her steps approaching the bed as if she was walking on the face of a drum.
That was it. She couldn't hold it anymore. Rachel fell forward. Her hands catching her head as she burst into tears. She couldn't take any of this anymore.
"I knew we shouldn't have let him in! I tried to stop Mom from letting him come back here, but she thought it would be good for you to tell him you weren't going back in person. I'm sorry, Ray. I'm so sorry." Alicia sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around Rachel, "What did he say to you? He got mad, right? We shouldn't have let him in."
Rachel only cried harder. He was right. She had lost her dream. This wasn't what she wanted. It was what she had thought she wanted, but when it actually happened…it wasn't right. This wasn't the right way. She longed for other's approval, but in this moment she realized that the only approval that mattered was her own. She wanted to get her first show based on talent. She wanted to have friends because they wanted to support her. She wanted to be intimate with someone she loved. She wanted her mother. But there were some things she couldn't have. She couldn't get out of this spiral. She couldn't turn around. This is who she had to be. Rachel wasn't crying because Mr. Schue yelled at her. She was mourning the death of who she was and who she wanted to be.