Hi there! Recently I recognized this is a shortened version of the story. Unfortunately it's impossible to find the origin version anymore. Most of the cuts concern several explanations of the "H-Guide" about the catastrophic consequences of pushing insignificant buttons for the universe and everything, for instance, or the proper use of the starfleet communicator right above your heart when your are a member of a non-human race with your heart located in your bottom and so on. Originally all scenes were about the same length.

Also that's the reason I've changed rating from T to K+ only for the English version.

That's why the German translation, made from the origin version several years ago is about 4000 words longer I found out.

OOO

SCENE 3:

Last time, the Borg was just about to destroy the Heart of Gold, along with all of its crew, while the Enterprise helps out by making some tea ...

Data: Captain, I am getting some very strange readings.

Picard: Explain.

Data: Well, it appears that the Heart of Gold has suddenly disappeared, and the Borg has just turned into a sperm whale.

Riker: What?

Data: The probability of the Borg's transformation is two to the power of seven trillion, one hundred forty seven million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, four hundred seventy three to one against. That is very improbable, sir.

Riker: This could be a new offensive weapon that we have not yet encountered, Captain.

Picard: Agreed. Torpedoes away!

Two torpedoes speed out from the Enterprise, one of which promptly turns into ten thousand scoops of whipped cream, covering the sperm whale. The other torpedo turns into a giant Frontanian mega-cherry, hitting the whale a second later.

Wesley: Wow! A giant banana split!

Data: Captain, I am getting sporadic readings on the Enterprise.

Picard: Sqeek-sqeek.

Data: (crooking his head) Captain?

Data turns around from his console.

Data: Captain, may I inform you that you have turned into a small blue furry creature from Alpha Centuri. (turning to Troi) And you, counselor, have turned into Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six.

Riker: I'm glad to see that you're getting your hair back, sir. And Deanna, that extra breast suits you well.

Data: Sir, the probability of you and Counselor Troi's metamorphosis is two to the power of six trillion, twenty seven million, four hundred forty three thousand, eight hundred ninety three to one against.

Picard: Sqeeek!

Wesley: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Data: (turning to Wesley) Interesting. It appears that your console has just turned into an IBM PCjr. (looking back at his own console) And mine has just turned into a Commodore VIC 20.

Meanwhile, Worf has turned into a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and quickly devoured one of the nameless officers on the back of the bridge, who, out of pure coincidence, happens to be wearing a red uniform today. Just before he vanishes into the fangs of Worf, however, a visual contact with the Bridge of the Heart of Gold was suddenly established for a split second, for no good reason other than that it's very very improbable. The rather bewildered face of Arthur Dent flashed across the main , the only thought that crossed the unfortunate officer's mind at that moment, upon seeing Arthur's face, was "Oh no, not again!"

The other officers, in blue uniforms, never met Arthur in their previous lives, and conversant with the creatures of the galaxy, quickly covered their eyes with their Starfleet-issued auto-inflatable towel-in-a-pip that they all wear on their collars.

Wesley: (calmed down, tentatively tapping his PCjr chicklet keyboard) Sir, the computer says that it's tired of opening, and closing, and opening, and closing, and opening, and closing, all the doors on the Enterprise, and that it's now setting course to Ursa Minor for a long-deserved vacation, at maximum warp.

Picard: sqeek sqeek, sqeeeeek sqek sqeek!

Troi: Captain, I am sensing a great deal of ... confusion, and ...anger ... from you. Are you feeling all right? (battering her eyelashes seductively and sliding her right leg along his furs) Is there anythingI can do to make you feel better?

Picard: sqeek sqeeek sqeeeek!

Riker: (staring at Troi) Captain, perhaps I should get Dr. Crusher?

Picard: sqeek!

Troi: Oh, all right. Wesley, call your mother.

Moments later, Dr. Beverly Crusher arrived at the bridge accompanied by five thousand Tribbles and a rather nasty Pogolarian snow blizzard.

OOO

commercial for Snuggles fabric softener ... of course.

OOO

SCENE 4:

Now, back to the Heart of Gold, the improbability level is still high, but rapidly coming down.

Trillian: (relaxing on a bean bag, Romulan Ale in hand, the drink rapidly eating through the mug that holds it) Well, the probability factor has come down to only two to the power of six million and sixty to one against. Everyone should be starting to feel better now.

Arthur: (hanging in mid-air, in a rather soapy bubble bath) Whir ...what's going on? Where am I? What happened? (slight pause) I don't understand ... isn't there any tea to go with this bath?

Zaphod: (fighting off a pack of Algonian turbo-turtles) Shut up, monkey brain, you and your tea almost got us killed. Hey, I'm still missing one of my heads!

Eddie: Well, guys, how 'bout that! I sure got us outta that Borg mess in a hurry, huh? Man! I sure feel like a song right now. Let's see... any requests? It's request time, gang, and all of my lines are open right now. If there's anything that you'd like to hear, just ... mmm, what the ..., mmm, mmmmmm mmmm mmmm!

Zaphod: (just finishing up applying Stick-O-Tape over Eddie's speakers) That oughta shut you up for a while.

Ford: (drawing himself up from the deck with great difficulty) Wow, that was some hangover!

Trillian: That's no hangover. Eddie just kicked in the improbability drive. Want some Romulan Ale? It'll make you feel better.

Zaphod: Hey, give me some of that stuff.

Trillian: Well, we're down to probability level two to the power of four thousand, six hundred eight to one against. Everything will be normal in a few more seconds. (pause) Where's Marvin? Marvin?

No answer.

Trillian: Marvin, where are you?

Still no answer.

Trillian: Eddie, where's Marvin?

Eddie: mmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm-mmm mmmmm.

Trillian: Oh, brother.

Arthur: I think Marvin's missing.

An expression of deep genuine concern failed completely to cross both of Zaphod's faces.

Zaphod: Oh, who cares about that heap of junk metal, anyway? All he ever does is remind us how stupid that monkey-man is, as if we need to be reminded. Asking the ship's computer for a cup of tea when we're getting blown into bits ...

Trillian: Okay! We are now back to normal. But where are we?

Zaphod: Eddie, turn on the external cameras.

Eddie: mm mmm mmm mmm-mmm m mmm mmmm-mmmm-mm mm-mmm mmm mmmmm!

Zaphod: What's he saying?

Ford: I think he wants you to ungag him first.

Zaphod: Yeah, right. I'll just turn the cameras on myself!

Zaphod stumbles over to the console, examining it.

Zaphod: Hmmmm... anyone know what these buttons here do?

And, from outside the ship, a voice is heard ...

Voice: All right, open up! We know you're in there, and we've got you surrounded!

OOO

Will the crew of the Enterprise be able to come to terms with their improbable transformations?

Where's Marvin?

Will Picard like his new hair? Does Deanna have to shop for a new wardrobe to match her new breast? Will Worf eat the Tribbles?

And finally, who's holding the crew of the Heart of Gold prisoners?

For the the answers (in full color and stereo sound) to these, and many other, rather unimportant questions, watch for the next exciting episode of ...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!

OOO