Chapter 31 Defeat

As Sakura went back to practice, Eriol decided to talk to Ryu. It was something that he needed to hear. Eriol wasn't sure if he was the right person to say it but he had to try.

"Dude, you have to tell her." Eriol suddenly said when he was confident that Sakura wasn't going to overhear their conversation.

Ryu turned to him. He said nothing.

Eriol took a deep breath and continued on, "She deserves to know how you feel. I can't speak for her but I think she's not so dense about that sort of thing. On the contrary, I think she has a firm grasp on the situation. It's just I think she doesn't know where she stands I mean…you know her. She doesn't like hurting people. You have to say something and maybe you both will know where to move from there."

Ryu understood where Eriol was getting at. He wanted to lose it and be angry at Eriol. It wasn't his business in the first place. But Ryu couldn't deny the fact that Eriol had spoken of the truth. Sakura did deserve to know the truth. After everything that has been happening to her, she was the one person who deserved the truth among all of them. Eriol was right.

Ryu smirked. Eriol noticed.

"You know, when she first entered high school and I saw her around campus, the first thought that came to my mind was that she's really pretty. I didn't even know her name. Just looking at her, I knew that she was someone different. She stands out from the crowd. I doubt that she would ever get lost in a sea of people. People would always have a way to find her." Ryu started to say. Eriol listened patiently.

"Then I saw Shaoran come up to her just like that. I saw her smile light up as they started talking. Soon, Tsukishiro-san and Kinomoto-san joined the two. That was when I found out that she's the younger sister of Kinomoto Touya and best friend of Li Shaoran. I thought…damn…I wonder if she could ever find a boy friend with all those men around her? They were obviously very protective of her even if they beg to differ. I then thought that she was this stuck up person, unapproachable and simply a league higher."

"Boy was I proven wrong when she got elected into office as the student council secretary? When I met her, just by looking at Sakura's smile, listening to how she spoke and watching how she moved, I realized that she wasn't at all like what I expected. She's this down-to-earth person whom I could easily trust and talk to. She always had a smile ready that it felt like everything was going to be just fine, even without her saying anything. She also joined the cheerleading squad. And just like her brother, she's one of the top students in her class, only to find out later that she had trouble with math…and it was always Shaoran who tutored her. I thought, wow! She's simply amazing! She's being herself, enjoying life and such a valuable friend." Ryu continued.

He paused as he forced a smile. "Yeah I know what you mean…you know with what you said earlier that everyone seems to find this need to protect her. If there was really another way, I wouldn't tell her. She doesn't need more complications than what she already has now."

Eriol nodded. He then glanced back at Sakura, "It's your call, Ryu-san. But a bit of advice…the longer you put this off, the harder and more painful it's going to get. I'll be at the dance studio in case Sakura looks for me." Eriol then decided to leave. He took one last glance at Sakura and then at Ryu before he finally left.

Ryu sat there, thinking about what Eriol had left him with. Ryu shook his head. He can't quite come into terms that it had to be Eriol to tell him out right what he already knew. It was bound to happen anyway but Ryu just couldn't believe that Eriol was the one to say it first. He knew that Eriol and Sakura had become really close. He always thought that Eriol was in love with Sakura, but then, Ryu started thinking. Maybe their relationship was different and that Eriol also knew who Sakura's heart really belonged to.

How in the world was he going to tell Sakura now? His mind scrambled for an answer. There was no doubt that it was the right thing to do but it wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do. How can you tell the one person who means the world to you that she isn't more than a friend? How can you push away the one person who taught you how it is to love? How can you deny to yourself how you really feel? How do you convince yourself to not feel anything more than friendship when you're head over heels for her? How can you lie to yourself that she doesn't mean anything to you? How can you swallow the fact that she will never be yours?

Ryu's heart wanted to burst. He never, in his wildest dreams, intended to fall in love. He was content being friends with Sakura. He was content with just being by her side and being there to hear her out if she needed him. When did it change? When did his heart start beating more for her? He wanted to get angry at her for making him feel that way but he knew that he was just being stupid. How could he ever blame Sakura? She never asked him for anything. She only gave her everything to help him out. She was just being Sakura.

As Sakura was wrapping up with her practice, Ryu felt himself wonder…what it was that she hid behind that smile of hers? Through everything that had been happening, she still managed to smile and that was one of the reasons he fell for her in the first place. She seemed this very simple and transparent person but yet so complex and mysterious. Behind all the sacrifice that she had been making, there must be a part of her that just hates it. Was she really that good?

Ryu was so absorbed with his thoughts that he hadn't noticed that Sakura had already skated back to where he sat and had asked him where Eriol had gone to.

"Ryu-san? Are you ok? You seem…out." Sakura said smiling as she sat and removed her skates. Ryu looked at her and apologized.

"So, Eriol left already?" Sakura asked again as she continued fixing her stuff and placed her shoes on.

Ryu took a deep breath. It was now or never. He better do it before he loses the nerve to. "Eriol headed out. He said that he'll be at the dance studio if you wondered where he went." Ryu answered.

Sakura smiled and gathered her stuff. "You two seem really close…you and Eriol I mean." Ryu commented.

Sakura looked at him and smiled again. She then said, "Yeah. I know. He's just real…that's all. I'm not saying you're not or the others are not but I never expected that we'd have a lot of things in common. He readily gave his trust to me even before he met me and as I got to know him, I was really surprised that he's this normal guy. With him, I feel like I can hang loose. It's different."

It was like another stab inside Ryu's heart. He can't even surpass Eriol inside that big heart of hers. Sakura seemed to notice so she quickly said, "Everybody is different, Ryu-san. We can't actually compare one person to the other because we all have our different sides."

"It's not really that." Ryu replied as he smirked. He then looked at her.

At first he was afraid to look into her eyes because he feared that he would just get lost inside them but took the chance anyway. With what he saw, he couldn't help but smile. He saw that she was genuinely fearful in hurting him aside from what he could only guess what. He stopped walking and turned to her fully. Sakura looked at him, not saying anything.

"Why is it that you always think of others first before your own? Don't you get tired of it?" Ryu suddenly burst out, not really angry or anything but he wanted to ask it for so long.

Sakura was taken aback with the sudden question. She looked into his eyes and saw that he was serious with the question even if he tried to cover the statement with a little bit of humor. "You're wrong, Ryu-san. The fact that I am selfish is the reason why I try my best to put things into perspective and try to see the whole picture." Sakura replied after contemplating awhile.

"Selfish? Since when have you been selfish?" Ryu asked. Now he was the one who was taken aback.

Sakura laughed a little with no humor with it. She tried to lighten up the mood. She didn't know how things were turning out at that point but she knew that it was going to be another hurdle that she would have a hard time evading unless she goes through it. "Come on, Ryu-san, everyone has that part inside. I have this thing…I've been pretty much been sheltered and taken cared of my entire life so a part of me wants to be the one to take charge for once…you know…take control and take care of the people I love or those around me for a change. That desire has made me have this tunnel-vision where I could only see one thing…one goal…that I lose sight of other things that should be equally important. And because I want so much to see that through, I hurt people unintentionally and in a way that makes me selfish. It's what got us into this mess in the first place, Ryu-san, and I know that you know that. It was my decision that brought about all of this. It's not so 'noble' or 'great' as you think."

"I never thought that you feel that way." Ryu commented.

Sakura smiled at little at him and replied, "All the time, Ryu-san, all the time. Since I know that truth, I try my best to counter it but by doing so, I still end up doing it. There are always two sides to everything." She paused for a while before looking into his eyes and continuing, "Just like how this all feels like I'm using you to run away."

Ryu saw this intense remorse and guilt in her eyes. He never really thought that she felt that way. He had been resolved in telling her the truth but it seemed that he was being tongue-tied now after what Sakura had said. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and tell her that it wasn't like that. It had been his choice too. Even if there wasn't any formal agreement, their actions spoke for them.

But who was he kidding? He couldn't take her into his arms. He couldn't. He knew that her heart did not belong to him. He couldn't make it all better unlike Shaoran. She didn't feel the same way he felt about her. Sakura did care for him but it was only as a friend. She could never give him the same love that he was ready to give her. He knew that she loved Shaoran and he didn't need any verbal confirmation about that. That is what made this whole situation worse…he knew the truth but he wasn't sure if he was ready to hear it out.

"You may feel like you are using me to run away but I chose to be here by your side. This is not your fault. You said so yourself. There are always two sides to everything. This whole thing isn't your fault. This happened because we all had something to do with it. It is all our choices combined so don't go blaming yourself. We are all burdened by this equally because we chose to walk this path." Ryu replied as he caressed Sakura's cheek. He wanted too much to get through to her that he hoped his simple gesture was enough.

He then gave her a sad, empty smile. He then decided to say it, "I guess this is it, Sakura. I have lost already and I am not afraid to admit it."

Soft tears slowly escaped from Sakura's eyes. She knew she was right. She had hurt him a lot. Ryu wiped her tears with his thumb. He smiled at her again.

"I'm so, so sorry, Ryu-san…I never wanted to hurt you…I can see…I can feel…your feelings are real…"

"More than you'll ever know, Sakura."

"I just…I just don't understand…how I can hurt the people around me…I always end up like that…"

Ryu cupped her face and made her look into his eyes. He kept her gaze to make sure she understood. "Don't blame yourself. I have the greatest respect and admiration of you because of the character you hold. Because of that, when I saw your pain, I told myself that I would do everything in my power to shield you from it. I keep telling people that I didn't mind standing in the line of fire just to make sure that you are alright…that you are protected. You're just this very special person to me that made me want to protect you."

Sakura's eyes registered disbelief but Ryu kept her there. She needed to hear it from him. She needed the truth just like Eriol had said. "It started out that way. But then I finally saw that it is not me who can take that pain away. I will never be able to. You are strong and can stand up against whatever pain that comes your way. But the reassurance and the real comfort that you need from someone can only be filled by one person…the person you gave your heart to. So when I realized that I have deep feelings for you, I knew that I have to let you go. This is not your fault. This just happened."

Tears started falling more. Oh God…I've hurt him this much… Sakura didn't know what to say. She could sense it…sense the emotions inside of Ryu but she never expected it to hit her that hard. It was like a big slap in the face. He was right. It wasn't anyone's fault. But she truly wished that she could have at least spared him from much of the pain he was saying now.

"I'm sorry, Ryu-san…I never really wanted to hurt you…I wish I could take away that pain but I know I can't…"

"It doesn't matter now, Sakura. It happened and it will eventually heal. As long as you are happy, then I am content because I know I did the right thing. I just hope that no matter what happened, we would still be friends."

Sakura looked up at him and smiled. "We will always be friends, Ryu-san. When you find the girl who can love you the way you deserve, I would be the happiest for you. You deserve so much better. I hope it doesn't get awkward between us or anything like that. I'm really sorry."

Ryu grinned and hugged her. She didn't mind. She hugged him back. After wiping some of her tears, Sakura smiled at him. Yeah. They were friends.

XxXxXx

Eriol was practicing some of his dance routines when Sakura arrived and sat at the sides near the door. She smiled at him as she sat and watched him. Eriol decided to have a break. He wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place but he knew that Sakura would need someone to talk to after she and Ryu really talked. He knew that there was a possibility that she would have headed to Tomoyo or Chiharu or Naoko but he stayed there anyway just in case she did come. He wanted to be there for her.

He sat next to her. "I thought you said your dad gave you a day off? How come you're practicing?" Sakura said.

Judging from her voice, Eriol knew that Ryu had indeed told her the truth and she was bothered by it, being Sakura. "Well it helps clear my mind sometimes. I thought why not come here…so…what's on your mind?"

Sakura smiled a little and said, "Onions."

"Onions?" Eriol asked confused and amused. He laughed a little.

"Yeah. You know when you cut an onion, it makes you cry. So you try and place it under running water so when you cut again you won't cry but then again after a while it stings your eyes again? I sort of feel like that…you know I hurt people and I try not to and people tend to just go with the flow but in the end I still hurt them anyway." Sakura replied.

"Onions?" Eriol asked again, still amused.

"Hey you asked! It's not my problem if you find it weird because I find it weird to and well it just ran off the tip of my tongue."

Eriol started laughing. Sakura smiled but after awhile buried her face at her knees. She exhaled a little sharply. Eriol laid a reassuring hand on her shoulder as Sakura started crying. Eriol sat a little closer at her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder and tried to comfort her a little. He didn't say anything.

(to be continued…)

Ok this was like the hardest chapter to write out of the entire story so far. It took me two weeks to actually finish this. It's a good thing that I finish a couple of chapters before posting or else I wouldn't have posted anything. This fic only has a couple of chapters left and I can assure you that you won't know what hit you. Hehe. Thanks for reading this far and for those who reviewed, I really appreciate it. Please do continue sending in what you think and I hope to get to be with you guys until the end. ^_^ Thanks.

Michiko