AN: And now for something completely different. This was originally its own one-shot, but I was suffering from severe writer's block, so I retconned it to fit this story. Enjoy.

The day after Garrus has rejoined Shepard

"Mr. Mo- er, Joker…right?"

The pilot in question swiveled around in his chair to take a look at the turian addressing him. He looked about the same as two years before, but now with more of a got-blown-up look in the face area.

"You don't remember? Gee, I'm flattered."

Garrus surprised him by laughing a little. "Well it has been two years. You could have tried harder to be more memorable."

"Huh. Here I had this crazy impression that turians were incapable of lightening up. Gotta be the painkillers. Or maybe I shouldn't have built a stereotype of your whole species based on you, huh?"

Garrus' mouth opened slightly and his mandibles flared outward. Joker didn't have a clue what that was supposed to mean. He'd never seen the turian do it before, but it almost looked strangely like a smile.

"Actually, that stereotype is pretty well-deserved," Garrus mused, leaving Joker to wonder if he was kidding and how foreign a concept that was. "Anyway, I'd better get back to the main battery. The Collectors need to feel some pain for thinking they could kill off Shepard and get away with it."

"Yeah," Joker concurred, left unable to come up with any kind of witty reply. For a moment a thought had flashed through his head. A memory of staggering from an escape pod. Of Chief Williams screaming at him. "Where is she?" Of straight-up losing it and emptying his stomach all over the bay floor.

"We'll get 'em."

Garrus wandered out of the bridge, leaving Joker alone with the pulsating blue light on the far console.

"Shit."

"Are you quite all right, Mr. Moreau? Your vitals are-"

"Shut up," he groused, zealously diving back into working at the console. "I'm fine."

Present

"Hey, Joker."

"What's going on, Garrus?"

The pilot didn't turn to face the turian, but the silence that hung in the air was ominous. This was going to be a seriousness talk, and if EDI's recent crew reports were right he knew about what. He sighed inwardly, bracing for the inevitable.

Garrus, meanwhile leaned against a bulkhead, staring at the racing patterns of stars as he tried to collect his thoughts. It was ridiculous, being here in the bridge, bothering Joker with this. They were facing an almost certain death. Surely there were issues that needed his attention more urgently than this. Yet…he could still feel the deep pangs of regret for the last time he didn't say what was on his mind when he could have. He had assumed it could wait, only to find out fate had other ideas. He couldn't let it sit, not this time.

"So, you and the Commander, huh?" Joker interrupted his thoughts. "That's not really weird or anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you guys. But I'm good with being happy from a distance."

Garrus blinked. Crap. If Joker already knew, the whole damn crew must know.

"I just…I wanted to come up and get a human perspective on a few things. A non-Cerberus human."

"To say this is not my area of expertise is like saying rubbing Jack's bald head to see if it feels cool might be a bad idea. And look, there's a lot of things I can go my whole life without knowing, and the specifics on a human and a turian hooking up is right up there. I shouldn't even have to explain that, really. I thought we were starting to make friends."

Garrus would normally have smiled, but was steeped in frustration at his increasingly apparent inability to handle his own romantic issues.

"It's not like I think this is ideal," Garrus muttered. "But you've known Shepard longer than anyone else here. And all I'm asking is for some information about human traditions, not an in-depth discussion of my personal relationships."

EDI piped in. "I have numerous vids and text documents directed at aliens on understanding human culture, Mr. Vakarian."

Joker stared at EDI's interface. "Did…did you just do something useful?"

"Thanks," Garrus replied noncommittally to the AI, "but that won't be necessary."

Joker groaned in the back of his throat. "Come on, Garrus. If I'm somehow less inept at dealing with women than you, it's not by much. Go talk to Dr. Chakwas, she's been married before. And she's not me, which is a bonus."

Garrus was flustered. There was a time for levity, but as it was his gut and mind were both twisting with discomfort and Joker wasn't helping. "I- look, I just wanted a human male's perspective on how your people express a desire for a long-term commitment. I'd really appreciate a straight answer."

Garrus' frustrated outburst startled and unsettled the two men equally. The palpable discomfort that filled the room thickened noticeably. Joker sighed, aloud this time.

"Shit. You want to propose to her- that's what this is about?"

Garrus' translator wavered with slight uncertainty at Joker's chosen phrase, but the general idea it conveyed seemed right. Despite the urge to just stand and walk out in embarrassment, Garrus stayed rooted to the floor. "I…I think so. Yes."

"The ways I can not help you are steadily increasing here, guy. Just…do it how a turian would do it."

"I want to know the standard human tradition. If we're going to be in this for the long haul, I want a good start." He gave a short sigh. "I want to show her I'm not completely incompetent at expressing myself."

"Well…maybe you are. I'm just saying, different strokes and all that," he raised his hands defensively as Garrus glared. "But think about it- if it hasn't put her off by now, I you're probably good."

Garrus gave that thought a once-over, deciding it was a start as far as getting this situation figured out was concerned. Joker was skilled at avoiding what he didn't want to deal with, he'd give him that. Maybe if he tried talking in hypotheticals, that was a human thing.

"So, how would you, as a human man…'propose' to Shepard?"

Joker gave a harsh laugh. "From a really long ways off, because as soon as I did she'd kick my ass for being crazy."

"Joker, you know what I mean. I…I'm not leaving here until I get an answer."

"Aaand there's the old Garrus. You know I only resort to being a smartass when I have to deal with something too horrible to fathom?"

He turned to say something else, but was quiet as he saw Garrus staring out the front window, his shoulders stooped a bit and his arms folded across his chest. He wasn't much on turian expressions, but the man looked miserable and kind of pathetic. Joker grumbled aloud again and rubbed his hand over his face.

"Okay, look. Humans don't have any one way to get engaged, all right? I mean, there's the ring, the getting down on a knee, going to some special place and risking a public rejection. But…I just don't see Shepard going for all of that. I think she'd actually probably go for the turian thing, whatever that is. Probably involves shooting things together, which we definitely know she likes."

Garrus hesitated. "The turian tradition involves a formal introduction of the intended to one's family and clan leaders for the bestowal of a blessing of the clan's spirit."

Joker took a moment to process this. "Aaah. And you think your people would be pretty pissed about the interspecies thing, is that it?"

"Suffice it to say that the fewer people know about this, the better."

"See, now you could have just said that to begin with and we could have avoided ninety percent of this conversation. Shepard likes shooting things, blowing things up, and people being straight with her, whether willingly or under the threat of being shot. So the next time you're out shooting things together, just lay it to her out between reloading. 'Hey, killing things with you is fun. Let's make it official.' She'll get a kick out of it."

Garrus grumbled slightly. "I was hoping to make it memorable."

"God, Garrus, I'm trying here, I really am, but you're making this way more difficult than it has to be."

"All right, I got it. I'll...come up with something."

"Good. Fine. Also, do not come back here asking me to be your best man, because Hell if I'm ever gonna wear a tux."

Garrus turned and left the bridge in more of a state of inner turmoil than when he'd entered.