It's not the way you look that touched my heart.
It's not the way you kissed me, baby, that tears me apart.
Many, many nights I tried. I sit alone at home and I cried over you.
What can I do? I can't help myself, cause baby, it's you.
You should hear the things they say about you.
They say you're never, ever, ever, ever gonna be true. Oh.
I don't listen to a word they say. I'm gonna love you any old way.
What can I do? It's true. I can't help myself, cause baby, it's you.
I don't listen to a word they say. I'm gonna love you any old way.
What can I do? It's true. I can't help myself, cause baby, it's you.
Baby, it's you.
Baby, It's You ~Elvis Costello
Friday May 20th, 2011
Reflecting Pool, Washington Monument
Temperance Brennan believed, from a very young age, that having expectations of another human being was irrational and dangerous. Inevitably you were either hurt or disappointed, and if there were ways to avoid that ever happening, Brennan did her best to make sure she found them. Then she thought that her hypothesis was proven when, after being intrigued by the tall, dark, gorgeous FBI agent who interrupted her lecture at American University, she'd been disappointed again by what she perceived as his betrayal. Of course, almost six years and countless examples of friendship and trust later, she had taken the one relationship she thought she could trust above all others and ground it into dust under her heel. At the time, she thought she was doing the rational thing. She was too damaged; she was never going to feel the freeing, comforting, endless emotion that being in love with another person can give you without hurting him irreparably. She was doing the right thing.
And nothing irritated Temperance Brennan more than being proven wrong.
So she should have been comfortable with her decision to join the dig in Indonesia, to get some perspective, to get away from everything that seemed to be getting to close to breaking her. To get away from him. But after the first week, when all she did was wonder and worry about what he was doing, she knew she might have just made the biggest mistake of her life. Which only served to make her angry.
So she threw herself into the work, tolerating the nagging feeling that she was missing something and pushing it effectively to the back of her mind, regaining her balance and ability to compartmentalize to the point that she was beginning to feel like her old self again.
Then, three months into the dig, there was an uprising on the island of Ambon, the main island and where their group was based when not enmeshed in their research right next to it on Buru Island. Their research team was shuttled off to safety on Mortai, where they were protected by UN peacekeeping forces, some of which included American soldiers…US Army Rangers. Brennan had to smile when she recalled how somber and focused the soldiers were during their protection rotations. They took their jobs very seriously and she was instantly reminded of her partner…the main reason she had fled to Indonesia in the first place. Her careful and systematic rebuilding of her walls was obliterated in one fell swoop as she watched the soldiers on their off-time playing football and blowing off steam. They were all so much like what she imagined Booth was like when he was first in the military, it literally made her heart ache.
After they were able to return to the site on Buru, Brennan found several emails from Booth waiting for her. The first few were the usual banter, but as they progressed he began to sound more and more worried for her. She felt terrible for making him panic, but they hadn't had time to do anything but pack a small bag before being removed from the island for their own safety. After drafting a quick email, explaining what had happened and apologizing profusely, she had settled in her tent for the night, thoughts centered solely on her partner.
Not long into her reflections, Daisy Wick poked her head into Brennan's tent, asking to speak with her. Brennan had managed to not only tolerate the young woman during their long working days, but had actually begun to forge a friendship with her. Despite the manic way she usually acted, Daisy was an intelligent, kind, caring woman and Brennan found herself genuinely liking her. So when Daisy began to verbally work through her situation with Dr. Sweets, Brennan found herself spilling her guts as well about Booth. Aside from Angela, Daisy was the only other person Brennan had told about the events of that night in front of the Hoover after the meeting with Sweets, and the young woman turned out to be a sympathetic and insightful audience.
With Daisy's help, Brennan realized that, while she had turned down Booth's romantic overture because she was worried her own lack of emotional maturity would end up eventually hurting Booth, her refusal itself had done that damage all on its own. And once she knew the whole story, Daisy assured Brennan that the reason Booth had insisted he needed to move on so quickly was to protect himself from not only more heartbreak, but from Brennan's pity as well. It was not unlike Brennan's own well-honed emotional wall-building, designed to mask his real emotional pain. Brennan was surprised to learn something new about Booth she never even considered….he compartmentalized almost as well as she did.
After Daisy left her tent that night, Brennan had a hard time falling asleep. She did what she did best, analyzed her entire relationship with Booth as though it were a puzzle she needed to solve, picking apart each moment, each word spoken, until she could only come to one conclusion.
Somewhere along the way, without her even being consciously aware of it, she had fallen in love with Booth.
Of course, the realization completely knocked her off balance. She struggled with what her feelings could mean and whether she would even be able to deal with them, all the while continuing to have late night conversations with Daisy and trying to remain friendly but neutral in her emails to Booth. That last feat became harder when he emailed her to tell her about Charlotte, but she managed to rally quite spectacularly.
The only time she faltered was after Caroline had called the team back to DC five months early to help Cam with a high-profile case. Brennan had been there to pick Booth up at the airport, and when he stepped out of the breezeway and turned to look at her, every little feeling she had been desperately trying to bottle up came rushing back, and she couldn't stop herself from running to him and hugging him tightly. Booth had seemed a little surprised at first, but managed to hug her back just as hard, goofy, Boothy grin in place.
Booth didn't bring up the topic of Charlotte the first week they were home, but they had been completely immersed in the case that brought them home and they were very busy. When, as they were having drinks after wrapping the case, he finally mentioned her, Brennan was able to squelch her first urge to ask too much and simply let him talk. That acceptance of his situation might have paved the way for Booth to welcome Charlotte into his life when she showed up in DC a week later, but in the long run Brennan found that she had no regrets. She could only hope that Booth didn't have any either. His relationship with Charlotte seemed to have changed him, in a good way. He seemed more settled and happy and just…satisfied. Right after the breakup she worried for him, but except for their argument in front of Founding Fathers, the two of them were closer than ever…and she secretly wished she could thank Charlotte for her part in that.
Sighing to herself and almost smiling over her uncharacteristically maudlin thoughts, Brennan checked her watch and realized that it was almost half an hour past the time she and Booth had agreed to meet. She stood and started towards the coffee cart, determined to not be hurt by Booth's non-appearance. As she ordered another coffee to take back with her to the lab, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and she knew…he was there.
.