Shuichi silently watched the guard approach, knowing what was coming next. Mika had warned them all about the announcement, and Shuichi had been dreading it ever since Yuki had disappeared. He had no idea where his fiancé was, and he had no idea if he could even call him that anymore. He'd looked so conflicted during and after the conference, and Shuichi didn't know what to think anymore.
He'd spent the time between Mika's meetings with Cinda, and he'd allowed his mind to wander back through the last month and before. He would've rather been with Yuki, trying to figure out what was happening in his head, but that was out of the question. He was starting to doubt that he'd ever be allowed to help his lover like that, even if they did end up married.
He sighed and lifted himself off of the fountain's edge, waving goodbye to Cinda as he traipsed across the courtyard toward the guard.
"She's ready for you, majesty." The guard said, bowing slightly and gesturing towards the palace.
"Figured." Shuichi answered gruffly, his voice scratchy from lack of use.
"Do you know where Prince Eiri is? I've had some trouble tracking him down." The guard added, hoping that Shuichi could help him. If not, the Sultana might have his head. She wanted the evening to go perfectly and had expressly threatened everyone involved beforehand.
"No, I haven't seen him." Shuichi answered tonelessly, sighing. That wasn't a good sign. "I'll go and look for him."
"Thanks, much appreciated." The guard replied, feeling relieved and scurrying out of the courtyard before Shuichi could change his mind.
He didn't usually help out the guards with their Mika assignments, but this one was a little more personal and he'd seemed really worried about what Mika might do to him if he came back short a Prince.
He headed for the suite first, unaware of any of Yuki's other hiding places. When he'd run off in the past, he'd only been found when he'd wanted to be, and Shuichi hoped for everyone's sake that this wasn't going to be one of those times. His melancholy continued as he meandered through the sprawling palace, only staying vaguely connected to anything in his vicinity.
"Maybe Hiro should've stayed…" Shuichi muttered to no one in particular. He was grasping at straws, and he knew it, but he had to try something, anything, to get his mind off of Yuki's unhappiness. "Maybe he would've been happy here…"
He continued that line of thinking for the next few steps, and when his tears threatened to overpower him, he stopped and tried to reason out what has happening to his life. His lame attempts at convincing himself that things should've been different had been bringing him to the edge of despair all afternoon, and this time, they'd finally won.
"No, that's not right, I wouldn't have been happy…" he managed to choke out, sliding down onto the floor. "I need Yuki…"
He stayed there for a few minutes, trying to get himself under control. Ever since Yuki had brushed him off in the entrance hall, he'd been on an emotional roller coaster. Part of him felt terribly guilty for saying yes without really thinking it through, part of him was angry at Yuki for never letting him know what he was thinking or feeling, and par t of him wished that none of it had happened. Sure, it'd been the best month of his life, but he wasn't convinced that this hurt was worth it.
He absolutely could not stand the thought of Yuki being unhappy, and it tore him up. He didn't care what happened to him, but his entire life hinged on how Yuki felt. Deep inside, he knew it was pathetic to put someone else so far ahead of his own wellbeing, but that didn't change anything. His entire world revolved around Yuki, and if the street rat wasn't content, then he never could be.
As much as he wanted to marry Yuki and stay with him forever, forcing him into a life he didn't want wasn't worth it. He couldn't hurt Yuki, he couldn't make him feel as trapped as he himself had felt for his entire life. The very idea of it made him sick, made him feel like his heart was being repeatedly ripped out and thrown back in. He knew that breaking off the engagement could mean losing him forever, but that was something he had to accept. No matter what, Yuki's happiness had to come before his own or he wouldn't be able to live with himself.
He kept repeating that thought over and over, trying vainly to convince himself that he could live without Yuki, that he could give him up for eternity and marry someone else. The one constant in the situation was the fact that he had to get married. Mika would probably have a heart attack if he broke off his engagement, but he knew without a doubt that Hiro would be back within the week if he did. He'd never love Hiro like he loved Yuki, that was unthinkably impossible, but he'd have to try.
He bit his lip to keep the tears back, and tried to keep his selfish side from piping up. If Yuki didn't want to stay and marry him, then he'd have to settle for Hiro and try to make a life that way. He kept telling himself that Yuki living the life he really wanted would be worth it, but it was much harder than he'd thought it would be. He tried not to reflect on the last month, and he tried not to picture his room without Yuki's possessions.
However, as soon as he thought of waking up alone or with someone else, he lost it. He sobbed uncontrollably, shaking with the effort of repressing his agonized screams. He hadn't the slightest idea of how he would survive without his love, or if he even could. He didn't know how to live without Yuki, and before today, he'd never considered having to. Even though they'd never discussed the future, his happy little mind had never gotten close to thinking about a life without Yuki in it.
He clapped his hands over his mouth to keep from whimpering and desperately tried to calm down. His delayed reaction did not change his plan, and he had to see it through no matter what. If Yuki didn't want him, and he most likely didn't, he had to accept it and learn how to adjust to a new life. He had to fall back into living a lie, and he had to move on. He'd never seen someone look so panicked and so sad all at once, and his hopes for keeping his lover with him were fading faster by the second.
He stayed on the ground for a little longer, waiting to regain some control. He couldn't face Yuki like this, he couldn't let him know how upset he was. The last thing he wanted to do now was guilt trip him into staying. In order to fool the master of charades, he had to get back into his positive frame of mind, he had to be energetic and smiling. He closed his eyes and did some deep breathing, slowing his heartbeat and allowing him to concentrate on the task at hand.
He tried to think of happy thoughts to bring the smile back to his face, but he couldn't drag any out of his head. All he could think about was facing his empty room and his soon-to-be-empty life. He kept his eyes closed, allowing his hands to fall to the ground limply. He couldn't fight off the tears, and every few seconds new ones trailed down his face.
"I can't do this…" Shuichi whispered, his voice breaking. "I can't live without him…"
Saying the words aloud only made it hurt more, and he doubled over with the pain of it. It felt like someone was slowly ripping him apart, and he didn't think he'd ever get all of himself back.
"He's still here, he's still here…" Shuichi repeated softly, trying to reassure himself. "Breathe…breathe…he's still here, you have to breathe…"
He was secretly terrified of what would happen to him if Yuki really did leave, as the mere thought of it was about to kill him, but he refused to let that thought stew in his head. No matter what, he still had to go to Mika's announcement, and before he could do that, he had to find Yuki. He stood up slowly and leaned against a wall, taking deep breaths to calm himself down.
He steadied himself and pushed off of the wall, eager to get the evening over with. After some thought, the only happy notion he could find was the opposite of what was tearing him up. If Yuki stayed, then his life was made. If the love of his life chose to stay in it, he couldn't imagine anything that could make him happier. He'd said yes after all, so surely he wanted to stay, and Shuichi repeated these words to himself over and over as he wound his way to the suite. It was far-fetched, and part of him knew that, but it was the only thing that he had to keep him on his feet. He had to stay positive, as he wasn't sure he could face the negative again.
When he reached the hallway leading to the suite, he stopped and took another deep breath, preparing for whatever he might find. He turned the corner without looking and promptly toppled over, his foot having connected with something soft and squishy instead of the hard marble floor.
"What the hell?" Shuichi mumbled, rubbing his head and rolling over, wondering what was going on. The palace was usually immaculate, and he couldn't fathom what could've interrupted his walk. "Wait…Yuki?"
The lumpy object was human-shaped, and Shuichi would've known that form anywhere. All of his earlier concerns vanished instantly. Something was wrong, he could feel it, and he needed to be completely present.
"Yuki? You're not dead are you?" Shuichi asked, panic starting to take over. He'd trod on him pretty hard, and Yuki hadn't even twitched. He gulped and bit his lip again, praying that he didn't start crying again. He had to stay focused. "Please don't be dead again…"
Shuichi slid over to Yuki's head and started poking his face gently, trying to elicit a response without earning himself instant death upon his lover's return to consciousness. When he still got no response, he started rubbing Yuki's ears from a slight distance, ready to bolt for all he was worth if Yuki woke up yelling. After a few seconds of continued stillness from the older man, Shuichi was starting to get truly concerned. If Yuki had been playing dead to freak him out, he never would've stayed still this long, not after an ear assault.
"Eiri?" Shuichi whispered, the panic starting to build. As he sat and watched Yuki's unmoving form, he could feel it starting to overwhelm him, and after a few more minutes, he lost all control. "WAKE UP MAN!"
Shuichi grabbed Yuki's collar and shook him violently, desperate for him to wake up.
"NOW! WAKE UP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" Shuichi screamed, afraid that something more serious than he'd originally wagered was going on. Yuki never stayed out this long, not after all the tactics he'd employed. "STOP SLEEPING!"
Shuichi dropped Yuki and let the latter slump to the floor. He ran his hands through his hair a few times, still fighting back the tears. He didn't know what to do, and he didn't function well under this kind of pressure. If something was really wrong with Yuki, he had no idea how to help him and K wasn't anywhere to be seen. Plus, if he was much later to Mika's announcement than he already was, he was looking at a public execution with his name on it.
He leaned back and rocked on his heels, thinking as hard as he could. Yuki'd passed out on him a few times over the last couple of weeks, and there were a few methods he hadn't tried. He took a few more deep breaths and prepared for the plunge, hoping that it worked and that he didn't get murdered later.
"You did this to yourself, you know…I told you to wake up…" Shuichi muttered, his hair frazzled and one eye twitching. "It's your own fault…"
He leaned forward and then jumped back, unable to psych himself up for it. Yuki hated it when he did this, and he wasn't sure if this was that kind of emergency yet. Even with Mika's axe hanging over his head, he was still scared of what Yuki might do to him.
"Come on, don't make me do this…" Shuichi moaned, poking Yuki's face and ears again. "Dammit…fine."
Shuichi leaned in quickly and bit Yuki's earlobe, wincing as he did it. This had never failed him, and if Yuki was in the least bit alive, this was sure to bring him out of his coma.
"ARGH!" Yuki yelled, sitting straight up and swinging at the air around him. "WHAT THE F-"
"I'M SORRY!" Shuichi squealed, falling over backwards in an attempt to get out of Yuki's range. "YOU WERE DEAD, I HAD TO!"
"Shuichi…" Yuki muttered, rubbing his ear and glaring at the cowering Prince.
"I'M SORRY!"
"Breathe." Yuki told Shuichi, wanting the screaming to stop. He had a killer headache from his unfortunate encounter with the wall, and Shuichi's high-pitched screeching was not helping. He didn't know why Shuichi was in this hallway, or how he'd managed to find him, but in any case, it wasn't good.
"You're not mad? I'm not going to die?" Shuichi asked, eyes wide and brimming with tears. When he noticed that Yuki's face hadn't changed from what it looked like earlier, the dark clouds of despair reappeared overhead, and it was all he could do not to beg Yuki to stay with him.
"No." Yuki answered concisely, avoiding making eye contact at all costs. He had to stick to his plan, and he had to get out of the palace before Tohma went on the rampage with K at his beck and call. He groaned and stood up slowly, waiting for his head to stop spinning. The faster he got away from Shuichi the better.
"We need to go to Mika's announcement…" Shuichi said quietly after Yuki was steady on his feet. He'd been able to keep himself from begging, but there was still a distinct shake to his voice. He stood up and watched Yuki, waiting for the inevitable. "I came to find you…"
"Announcement?" Yuki managed to gasp out, realizing that he'd been unconscious for longer than he could afford. "No…"
"Yeah, remember?" Shuichi asked timidly, not wanting to upset Yuki. He was starting to look even more cracked, and Shuichi felt more helpless than ever before.
"Shuichi, listen, I can't…" Yuki choked out, the familiar trapped feeling overwhelming him again. He'd missed his window; he couldn't run now.
"I know…" Shuichi whispered, a few tears running down his cheeks. He'd known it was coming, he'd convinced himself of that, but it still hit him harder than he'd thought it could. The tears streamed out of his eyes, and he had to blink furiously to maintain semi-clear vision.
"What?" Yuki asked, startled. He'd tried to hide his intentions from Shuichi for his sake, but his tone sounded more informed than he'd thought possible.
"I know you can't, I'm sorry…" Shuichi gasped out, starting to shake.
"Shuichi, don't, why are you sorry?" Yuki asked quickly, finally looking at Shuichi and wishing that he hadn't. He'd never seen someone look so broken. "I'm the one that should be sorry…"
"No, I made you stay here, I got you stuck in the stupid engagement, I'm the one-"
"Stop." Yuki told Shuichi, walking over to him and putting a finger over his lips. "Please, this isn't your fault, I can't stay here…"
Shuichi didn't look up at Yuki, afraid of what would happen to him if he did. Instead, he looked off to the side, his eyes barely opened. He didn't want to see his lover's face, and all he wanted was to disappear. He wasn't sure that he could handle finishing this conversation, let alone Mika's summons.
"I just feel so trapped here, I feel like I can't breathe." Yuki explained, the unfamiliar burning behind his eyes distracting him. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen…"
"For what to happen?" Shuichi asked, surprised.
"For it to go on this long." Yuki blurted out before he could stop himself.
"I wouldn't have had it any other way, Eiri." Shuichi said quietly, closing his eyes and leaning into Yuki's chest for the last time. He felt completely numb.
Yuki didn't answer Shuichi for fear that his voice would betray how he was feeling on the inside. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Shuichi and pulled him in closer, wishing that he wasn't the Prince. Even though his royal situation had been what they'd originally bonded over, at that moment, Yuki would have given his entire world for Shuichi to be anything else.
"Please don't do this…" Shuichi murmured, the numb feeling having spread over his entire body, rendering him incapable of controlling his words. "Please…"
"I have to, I don't have a choice…" Yuki responded, pushing Shuichi off of his chest and looking away.
"Yes you do!" Shuichi yelled, his depression broken by a sudden onset of anger. "I'm the one that doesn't have a choice!"
"What are you talking about? You're the one that told her 'yes'! You're the one that chose this!" Yuki shot back, his defensive nature rearing its ugly head.
"First of all, you nodded!" Shuichi screamed, shoving Yuki as hard as he could. He'd never had so much anger well up so quickly, and he wasn't sure how to handle himself. "And second of all, I'm the one that doesn't have a choice! I have to get married!"
"You could run." Yuki said quietly, glaring down at Shuichi and choosing to ignore the first part of his rebuttal. "You don't have to stay here."
"You think she'll just let me disappear like you? No, I have to stay here, I'm trapped for the rest of my life, and it doesn't matter to anyone whether or not I'm happy!" Shuichi continued, the tears obscuring his sight. "I hate this, I hate feeling this way! You should've left after you got what you wanted!"
"You can't lay all that on me! It's not my fault!" Yuki yelled, wishing that he really could disappear. "And yeah, I should have! I never should have stayed here with you, so sorry for making you so miserable!"
"Good!" Shuichi screamed, his voice cracking. He started taking deep breaths again to quell his rage, and as soon as the adrenaline faded, he wished he hadn't. The misery came rushing back, and it took all the strength he had in him to remain standing.
"Shuichi?" Yuki asked, narrowing his eyes but lessening the intensity of his glare. Something had changed.
"You can't just leave me here, you can't…" Shuichi moaned, losing the battle against himself and falling to his knees. "You don't understand, you can't…"
"I have to, I can't stay here. I feel trapped, I can't breathe in this place, Shuichi, I can't stay here with you. Plus, the wish ruse will be up eventually, I'll get killed. Is that what you want?" Yuki said, neglecting to mention that Tohma and Caspian had stolen the lamp. If Shuichi found out about that, he'd only panic more. "You have to move on."
"But I love you..." Shuichi breathed, his words barely audible. He looked up at Yuki, searching for some glimmer of feeling in his cold face.
"I know." Yuki replied, choking back any other responses that were fighting to get out. "I know, Shuichi."
"Then –"
"You're just torturing yourself, you can't change my mind, Shuichi, it's already made up." Yuki told Shuichi softly, closing his eyes so that he didn't betray himself.
"Just come with me, then you can leave, I can't face her alone…" Shuichi whispered a few minutes later, realizing that the battle was over. Yuki was barely breathing, and Shuichi could feel himself slipping away. He didn't have the strength to keep fighting and he could tell that Yuki was just retreating further and further with each word. "I promise, I won't say anything else, I swear, just don't make me tell her alone, I can't…I can't tell her that you're…leaving…I can't say those…words…"
Yuki could feel himself falling apart as he watched Shuichi crumble on the floor in front of him. He could barely finish a sentence, and it was killing him on the inside. Shuichi was dying in front of him, and he couldn't make himself stay. He'd tried to swallow that choice, but he'd felt sick at the thought. The pressure, the claustrophobia, and the need to be free overpowered everything else in his selfish head, and he hated himself for it.
Shuichi needed him, that was clear, and he couldn't be there for him. At the very least, he could at least protect him from Mika's wrath before he broke his heart for good.
"OK." Yuki conceded finally, walking over to Shuichi and picking him up. "Let's go."
"I can't…" Shuichi whispered, his body weak from the emotions ripping him apart. "I can't tell you goodbye…"
"Don't worry about that now, we have to go to the announcement first." Yuki said, picking Shuichi up and carrying him towards their doom.
"Eiri, please…" Shuichi begged, burying his face into Yuki's collarbone. "I don't want to be with anyone else…"
"Stop." Yuki said, a tone of finality in his voice. "It's over, Shuichi, you have to move on, you have to accept this, please…"
"I don't think I can…" Shuichi whispered, his voice dead. "I can't…I can't be with anyone else."
"Marry Hiro, he'll take care of you…" Yuki told Shuichi, quickening his pace. It made him sick to think of Shuichi with anyone else, but the thought of him wasting away over this was much, much worse. He couldn't be responsible for Shuichi's death, he had to make sure that someone could take care of him when he couldn't. "He loves you, anyone could see that."
"But-"
"No, you need to tell Mika that's what you want. You can't let her get too mad, she'll kill you." Yuki said quickly, trying to get Shuichi to think past what was happening to him. Maybe, just maybe, if he could get him to focus on a brighter future he'd live through the proceedings. "After I'm gone, you need to tell her."
"No…" Shuichi moaned again, the crying resuming, though he didn't have enough energy left to do anything but lie against Yuki's shoulder and let the tears pour out of him.
Silence ruled the last part of the journey, as Yuki didn't have it in him to say anything else. Shuichi was sobbing into his shoulder, and every response killed off another part of him. When they finally reached the throne room, he put Shuichi down gently and grabbed his shoulders to make sure that he could stand on his own.
"Are you ready?" Yuki asked, knowing that it was pointless. Of course he wasn't, and Yuki was beginning to think that he never would be.
"Yuki…" Shuichi whispered, reaching out and running a hand down Yuki's soft cheek. "I…"
"I'm so sorry, Shuichi…" Yuki whispered, leaning down and kissing Shuichi, wishing that he could fix things with something as simple as a kiss. He broke away when he thought that he couldn't take it anymore and held Shuichi to him, finally letting the tears leak out. "I'm so sorry…"
"We have to go in." Shuichi said, his voice sounding distant and detached. There'd been a sadness to Yuki's embrace that had never been there before, and he couldn't shake the feeling of finality. The love of his life was leaving, and he had to learn to live without him.
"I know." Yuki answered, quickly wiping the tears away and composing himself. "Let's go."
I had no idea that I had this in me. I wasn't planning on doing a whole big sad mess, if you guys even considered it sad, I know I sure as hell did *hides Kleenex*. I wasn't even planning on those two having a conversation lasting more than a page, let alone twelve (on my document anyway), so yeah…
Well, we've finally reached the start of Tohma losing it (as if he ever had it…), and I'm really glad that you guys are still around for it. Sorry it's taken me so long, but this stupid story is my baby, and I have to do it right by me if I'm going to do it. I gotta feel every scene, and I have to have it nice and planned out so I don't lose myself along the way. I really hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I look forward to seeing this through very soon.
Much love,
Amaya