"Ryuichi, I'm not going." Yuki said stiffly, crossing his arms and scooting backwards until he was securely wedged into his corner of their house. "No way in hell."
"Yuuuuki!" Ryuichi whined, trying to pull the much larger man up. Behind him, the rug shrugged its nonexistent shoulders and flitted around the room, anxious to get going. After it had followed Ryuichi out of the palace, it had taken a little vacation, unwilling to deal with the depressed version of Yuki. It had just returned that morning, and so far, it wasn't liking what it was seeing. "Come on, I wanna go!"
"Why? And if you want to go so bad, then just go dammit!"
"Because he's still my friend! And I want to be there! I want to see him again!" Ryuichi said at light speed, trying to draw Yuki out. This was his last chance to fight for Shuichi, and even though he'd crumpled after seeing him yesterday and had fled faster than a camel during shearing season, he knew that Yuki still loved Shuichi, and that he still wanted to be with him.
"Then. Just. Go." Yuki spat, kicking out at Ryuichi. The latter grabbed his foot and dragged him forward, almost cursing with the effort. "No! Stop it Ryuichi!"
"COME WITH ME!" Ryuichi screeched, throwing all of his weight backwards and yanking Yuki closer and closer to the door.
"NOOO!"
"But…"
"One good reason." Yuki hissed, kicking at Ryuichi with his free foot and getting it snared by his roommate too. On the other side of the room, the rug did a little victory dance, though a half-hearted one. It wasn't enjoying Yuki's misery as much as usual. There was something different going on this time, and the rug could sense that it was much more serious.
"Because you need to fight for him." Ryuichi said matter-of-factly, dropping Yuki's feet and staring at him. "This is it, Eiri, after today, he's gone."
"I don't want him back!"
"Stop lying! To me, and to yourself! You still love him, that's obvious, and you're at least going to go and watch him walk away, that'll give you closure. If you can stand there and watch him leave you forever, then you can get over him, and if you can't, then you can fight for him, he still loves you too, I know it." Ryuichi said empathetically, letting his arms fall to his side when he was finished. "Please…you need this."
"I don't 'need' anything, Ryuichi!"
"Yes, you do!"
"No!"
"Eiri!"
"Ryuichi!"
"If you go, I'll never bother you about it again. I'll never make you do anything else, I'll never say his name, nothing. Ever. I promise." Ryuichi offered, sensing that his end was near.
"If I go, you'll never make me do anything?" Yuki said skeptically. "Ryuichi, you've never been able to make me do anything."
"Well, then I'll go out of my way to mention him daily, to schedule palace visits, to see him all the time, and to tell you how he's doing with his new husband." Ryuichi said, venom in his words. He was dedicated to helping his friend, and it was irritating to see him being so stubborn.
"You wouldn't. That's low, even for you." Yuki responded icily, crossing his arms and staying put. "And I don't love him."
"Bullshit." Ryuichi spat, glaring daggers at his insolent comrade. "That's absolute crap. I'm with you every single day, I've known you longer than anyone else, I know how you function, Eiri, and I'm telling you, you love him."
"Ryuichi, you don't know shit." Yuki replied haughtily, refusing to budge. He wasn't about to admit to Ryuichi that he had feelings, and if Shuichi was content to move on, then that was none of his business.
"Eiri, come on. This is sad, and I'm not going to keep fighting you…" Ryuichi said after a five minute stare down. As much as he wanted to help Yuki, if he didn't want to help himself, there really wasn't anything he could do. His last ditch effort would be to walk away, to let him have some alone time to think things over. He knew that he'd at least left an impression, maybe planted some ideas, and that would have to be enough. "Well, I'm going. I'll be up on the wall, it's your choice if you want to go."
"I won't be joining you, and you damn well know that." Yuki threw at Ryuichi, falling onto his back and putting his arms behind his head. "I'll be napping."
"You're such an ass." Ryuichi told Yuki, rolling his eyes and stepping out, the rug trailing behind him. If Yuki chose not to come, that was on him. If he lost Shuichi forever, then that was his choice. "What are we going to do with him, Kuma?"
Yuki stayed where he was until he couldn't hear Ryuichi and Kuma's conversation. He knew that Ryuichi was right; he was still in love with Shuichi, and part of him did want to fight for him. He had no idea if he should, but he also wasn't sure if he could live with himself if he didn't at least go and make sure that Shuichi was happy, that he would be alright.
The more he thought about it, the more Ryuichi's words were making sense. Even though he'd told himself that it was none of his business, he wanted to see him one last time, if nothing else. Seeing him in the throne room had hurt him terribly, but maybe Ryuichi was right about getting some closure too. If he could walk out of Shuichi's life, then he could at least watch Shuichi walk out of his. If he could watch him leave for good, watch him promise to stay with someone else, to love someone else, then maybe his heart would start to understand that it was over, and that he had to move on.
It was hell being stuck in the past, but there were the moments when he was secretly glad that he could remember Shuichi so well. There were times when he could feel him next to him while he slept, and sometimes he swore that he could feel his embrace. He wanted to hold onto him, but he also knew that he had to let him go. If he was going to live his life, then he had to live it without Shuichi's memory haunting him, without the question of 'what if' hanging over his head. Once Shuichi was married, he'd be gone forever, out of his reach, unattainable, and Yuki had the feeling in his gut that that's what it would take to make him understand that his lover wasn't going to be his again, now or ever.
He sighed and pulled himself off of the floor. He needed to go, no matter how much it would hurt. He needed to say goodbye, in his own way, and Ryuichi really was right, this was his last chance. He left the house and followed after Ryuichi, letting the sounds of the crowd lead him to the royal ceremony.
Shuichi was sequestered behind the crowd, waiting in one of the tall towers surrounding the large courtyard. The ceremony was going to be long and grandiose, and every single person of importance would be walking down the aisle. As much as he'd protested, he was stuck doing it, but that was the least of his worries. He'd eventually decided to marry Hiro, to stay with his friend. Even though he'd never love Hiro the same way that he loved Eiri, he loved him as a friend, and that was better than nothing. Besides, some stranger wouldn't know anything about him, and would most likely drive Hiro out. If that happened, they'd both be miserable.
He sighed and leaned against a wall, wishing that this wasn't his life. He was set in his choice, he'd rather have Hiro then some handpicked goon, but he still felt terrible about lying to him. Someday, after everything had calmed down, he was going to explain everything, he was going to tell Hiro about all of his feelings, and he was going to apologize for trapping him in a marriage with someone that would never feel the same way. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt, and he was almost scared that he wouldn't be able to go through with it. Even though Hiro had told him that he never had to feel the same way, he still felt incredibly guilty, and nothing that anyone could say would ever change that. He'd been planning on running away, he'd wanted to leave, and the only reason that he'd stayed to marry Hiro was because of the council's threats.
"This isn't right…" Shuichi groaned, closing his eyes and wondering if he could run fast enough to escape before they caught him. The council could have the city, and he'd find a way to get back to Hiro, and to tell him what had happened.
"Ten minutes." a voice said, interrupting his plotting.
The council had assigned him a contingent of guards, and even if he might be able to outrun them, he'd never get out the door without being caught. He sighed again and had to steel himself against the tears that were threatening to come back. In his last moments of freedom, he thought back to his days with Yuki and smiled softly, missing him more now than ever before.
He could feel his lover in the room, he could feel him holding him, he could feel his arms wrapped around him, and it was a comfort, not a pain, this time. He let the tears roll down his cheeks and smiled wider, almost delirious with his memories. He remembered their first kiss, their first night together, and what it felt like to watch him sleep next to him. He could see Yuki's face, and he could hear his voice, telling him that it would be alright, and he almost believed it. He closed his eyes tight and pictured his love.
"I love you…" Shuichi whispered to the empty room, wanting more than anything for his image to be real, just one last time.
He kept his eyes shut, not ready to face reality again. He couldn't bear to lose him again, he wasn't ready to let him go for good. He tried to mouth 'goodbye', but he was choking on the words. He couldn't tell Yuki goodbye, he'd never been able to, and now he had to.
"Eiri, please…please…" Shuichi begged the apparition in his mind, desperate to have him back. "Please don't leave me…please…"
He could feel himself shaking, but he knew that he had to try. He wiped the tears from his face, opening his eyes. He had to move on, he had to leave Yuki behind, no matter how hard it was.
"Good…bye…" Shuichi whispered finally, his eyes streaming. "I love you so much…I'm so sorry..."
He was standing on the edge of his new life, and he knew full well that he wasn't ready to take that step. He wanted to rewind so bad it hurt, and the knowledge that he couldn't was torture. He wanted everything to stop, to pause, on his memories, and he couldn't make it, no matter how much he wanted to. He could still feel Yuki in the room with him, and he wanted to hold him, to keep him there as long as he could, to make him stay. Yuki was his true love, he was the one that was meant for him, and as long as he could feel him there, he wasn't leaving. Yuki may have walked out on him, and that hurt more than anything he could have ever imagined, but he wasn't going to walk out on him. He would've stayed with him forever, he would have done anything for him, and it tore him apart that he couldn't.
The only thing that he wanted was to be with Yuki, and he couldn't. He couldn't be with him, and he couldn't stay there forever, holding onto a fading memory.
He turned away from the center of the room and tried to steady himself, blinded by his grief. He didn't feel ready to do this, he didn't feel like he could really tell Yuki goodbye. He could feel the weight of his words on his heart, and he knew that they'd needed to be said, but it felt like a defeat all the same. He'd have given anything to be walking to Yuki, to have the one he loved on the other end of that aisle, but that wasn't possible, and it wasn't what Yuki wanted. A sob escaped from his lips and he almost doubled over, wondering if he was going to be sick. He felt feverish, he felt trapped, he felt horrible.
Saying goodbye was supposed to be a freeing experience, but he felt even more tied down now. He'd admitted to himself that Yuki was gone, that they'd never be together again, that he'd never fall asleep to his heartbeat, that he'd never feel his lips on his again, and it was awful. He felt so alone, even though he was surrounded by people, separated only by a door.
"It's time, majesty." the guard said loudly, rapping on the door.
"O…ok…" Shuichi managed, scrambling for something to wipe his eyes on. He wanted to look composed, sane, like he was in control, even though his life had spiraled out of it. He cleaned his face and stepped out, trying to be ready to face his fate.
He scanned the people in attendance, but none were familiar to him. The only friends he'd ever had besides Hiro and Cinda weren't welcome here, and even if they had been, he'd driven the most important one away, somehow. He shook his head, pushing Yuki out of it. He couldn't think about him now, he couldn't afford to. He had to do his best for Hiro, for himself, and he didn't have time to chase phantoms.
"Hey, there he is!" Ryuichi squealed, pointing excitedly at Shuichi when he emerged. He and Yuki were kneeling on the rug, peering over one of the palace walls. The townspeople were standing on the streets outside, waiting for the parades and the royal procession that would come through the city after the wedding.
"Great." Yuki muttered, trying to look away but unable to take his eyes off of Shuichi. They'd dressed him in deep violet, and he was stunning.
Yuki sighed and pulled his gaze away, not wanting to hurt himself more than necessary. Most of the people involved in the ceremony had already been announced, and then escorted down the main aisle. Ryuichi had 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at every single one of them, and he was about ready to kill him for more than one reason at this point.
"His royal majesty, Prince Shuichi." the announcer called out, signaling the drummers to start their fanfare.
"Yuki…" Shuichi whispered almost silently, raising his eyes to meet Hiro's at the end of the walkway. He started forward when the drummers had finished, focused entirely on where Hiro was standing.
"I don't believe it…" K said to himself, a little stunned. He'd been keeping tabs on the palace in case Tohma or Caspian resurfaced, and when he'd heard about Shuichi's marriage, he'd come back to check things out for himself.
He knew that Yuki had left the palace, and that Hiro had stayed with Shuichi, but he'd had no idea that Shuichi would have agreed to actually marry him. He glanced around the courtyard, wanting to spot some familiar faces, and he was relieved when he did. Yuki and Ryuichi were on the other side of the walls, and he was hoping against hope that they were going to do something stupid. Shuichi wouldn't be happy with anyone other than Yuki, that was clear, and from what he could see, Yuki looked absolutely miserable. He'd known that it was going to be tough on both of them, but Yuki definitely looked worse. He was sure that Ryuichi had tried his best, but this looked like a lost cause. Yuki needed Shuichi, and vice versa.
"Ryuichi…don't disappoint me…" K murmured, throwing on some sunglasses to shield his eyes from the setting sun.
Shuichi kept walking, getting closer and closer to his new life, to his supposed new love, but he could feel himself slowing down. The closer he got to Hiro, the clearer the truth got. He couldn't do this. He couldn't lie to his friend, and he couldn't force himself into a life that he didn't want. If he had to run for the rest of his life, he would. If he had to end his life to end his nightmare, he would. Nothing was worse than what he was condemning himself to.
He only wanted Yuki, no one else could ever love him the same way, and it made him sick to think of being with anyone else. He stopped walking and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry' to Hiro, who nodded, and bowed his head.
"Shuichi…" Hiro whispered, smiling on the inside. After his guilt trip the day before, he'd considered calling everything off, but hadn't thought that it would be fair to Shuichi. Now that Shuichi was taking care of things for him, the world was looking brighter.
"I can't do this. I can't marry Prince Nakano." Shuichi said loudly to the council members. "And I won't marry anyone else, no matter what you try and do. I'll…I'll…think of something…"
"You won't do any such thing, you don't have any power here! You have to do as we say, you're not married yet, we own you!" one of the members hissed, raising his hand to signal the guards. They'd worked hard to secure a future for the city, and the idiot prince wasn't going to ruin it for them. A bullet zipping past his hand stopped him dead in his tracks, and he quickly sat back down, stunned.
"I don't love you like that, Hiro, and you know that…" Shuichi said in a quieter voice, directing his words at Hiro, who had jogged forward to meet him halfway. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright…listen, I…"
"No, it's not alright, you've been so good to me, and-"
"Shuichi, please don't say that…" Hiro said, wincing. He still wasn't entirely sure if he should tell Shuichi the truth, but his realization from the day before had left him raw and stinging.
"I just don't know what else to do…" Shuichi said, tears in his eyes again. "I…"
"We'll think of something, don't worry." Hiro answered, racking his brain. He couldn't abduct him, that would start a war, and there wasn't any loophole in the law to save him. He'd have to escape himself, and depending on the council's next move, that could be nigh impossible. They had the power to force him to marry against his will, and the way things were looking, he'd be on the outs for supporting his friend. They'd probably choose someone they'd groomed for the throne, and just use Shuichi as a pawn. He started to feel panicky thinking about it, and he knew that he had to find a new way to save Shuichi if marrying him wouldn't work.
"This is getting boring…" Ryuichi said on a yawn, unable to hear anything. All he could tell was that Shuichi had stopped moving, and that he and Hiro were having a conference in the middle of the walkway. Hiro looked genuinely concerned, but it wasn't enough to soften Ryuichi's opinion of him. He'd been suspicious of him the day that he and Yuki left, and his instincts told him that he was right to be. "Yuki…"
"Not now." Yuki snapped, straining to hear and leaning over the edge of the wall.
"Hmph." Ryuichi sighed, considering his options. At this rate, nothing was going to get accomplished. Yuki wasn't going to get his chance to fight, and it looked like he wasn't going to get his closure either. Plus, he and Kuma wanted to be entertained, and nothing was happening. He looked from Yuki to the ground and back again, a wonderful idea forming in his head. "Hey Yuki…"
"Ryuichi, I swear, shut-"
"Go get 'em tiger." Ryuichi said, giving Yuki a good shove and sending him toppling over the wall.
"Ryuichi!" Yuki yelled, slamming into the ground with a thud. He made sure that all of his appendages were attached and immediately stood up, livid and ready to kill his traitorous ex-friend.
"Yuki?" Shuichi asked, having spun around to investigate the loud noise. He stood still for a few seconds, and when Yuki looked his way and didn't turn and leave, he ran forward and threw his arms around his neck, ready to fight him if necessary.
"Shuichi." Yuki said, unable to say anything else. He was shocked by the sudden tackle, and it took a few seconds to regroup. Ryuichi's counsel and the horrors of the last months flitted through his head, and looking down at Shuichi, everything seemed to make sense again. He wrapped his arms around Shuichi and felt at peace for the first time in six months. "I…I'm so sorry."
"What?" Shuichi asked, taken aback.
"I never should have left you, I…" Yuki started to say, very aware that his mouth had been hijacked by his unstable, touchy-feely side. Being this close to Shuichi was having a negative effect on him, and he had no idea how to reign himself in. He glanced over at Hiro and nodded once, unwilling to rat him out when he'd clearly cared about Shuichi enough to let him call off the wedding; it was the only clear thought in his head.
"Yuki?" Shuichi said, convinced that he was dreaming.
"Please stay with me." Yuki plowed on, his emotional side gunning it to get everything out before his rational side regained control and started running for it, or massacring everyone within reach to pay for his embarrassment.
"You want me to?" Shuichi asked incredulously, of the opinion that he'd driven Yuki away.
"I left because…of me, not you, I always wanted you." Yuki managed to say before little lights started dancing in front of his eyes. He felt like he was going to pass out, and he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He'd never thought that he could feel these things, let alone say them aloud, and here he was, baring his soul in front of Agrabah's elite and the only person that really mattered to him.
"You'll let me stay with you?" Shuichi said, still reeling.
"Stay, and the debt's settled." Yuki answered, feeling himself coming back. Somewhere in the back of his tortured mind, he'd remembered their playful debt, and he was thankful that he'd managed to say something less mushy than what had been spewing out earlier. He was ashamed of himself, and if he could've felt his face, he was sure he'd feel the blush that was surely plaguing it.
"Thank you…" Shuichi whispered, unable to say anything else. Yuki had come back to him, he wanted to stay, he wanted to be with him, and nothing else mattered.
"For what?"
"For coming back."
"I never should have left." Yuki said honestly, hugging Shuichi tighter. "So?"
"So?"
"You going to explore other options, or are you staying put?" Yuki asked, avoiding Shuichi's eyes in case the answer he got wasn't the one he wanted.
"You're kidding right?" Shuichi asked, reaching up and grabbing Yuki's face to look him in the eye. "I love you more than I could ever say, and you think I want anyone else? No. You're stuck with me now Yuki, and don't you dare forget that."
"Hmm, forceful today…" Yuki whispered, kissing Shuichi and picking him up off of the ground. When his lover had wrapped his legs around his waist and burrowed into the nape of his neck, he whispered softly, "I love you, too."
"Umm, excuse me, you have no right to just-" the head of the council exclaimed, standing up. K propped up a long gun with a scope and took aim, firing a few shots and taking off the man's hat in the process. The outspoken memeber fainted when he saw the bullet holes, and the remainder of the council fled to safety, unwilling to have their headpieces ruined by a rogue maniac. Ryuichi looked K's way, startled by the sudden onset of violence, and smiled wide when he saw his magical friend.
"Heh." K smirked, winking at Ryuichi and hopping off of the wall, disappearing into the sunset.
Well folks, this is it. This is the end. It's over, it's done, and I can't believe that I'm typing this. Caspian's passed out on my shoulder, and my poor laptop is ready to explode, and I'm on cloud nine, but in shock, if that makes any sense at all. Woo for commas.
Anyway, here's the sap. I've been working on this thing for five years, including layout work, and it's almost six hundred pages long on my document. I can't believe that I finished it, or that it took me so long to do it. But it's my baby, and it takes a lot for me to transcribe my soul into readable human words, so I suppose I should count myself lucky that it only took me five years…
I bid you all a fond farewell, even though I'll be seeing you in the Epilogue that I'm posted next week…shh, it's a secret. Thank you for all of the reviews, and all the crazy comments, I'm honored that you guys enjoyed this, really I am. It started out as some little drabble and became a lot more to me, and it really makes my day that other people get a kick out of my rambling and my crazy conure.
And finally, the Special Thanks that I am so obligated to give.
To Cathy, for helping me figure out some tough lines when Shuichi and Yuki first met.
To Shelley, for loving Disney more than me and never making fun of this.
To Cage and Steven, for being horrified by the yaoi, and yet so supportive.
To Rachel, for putting up with my stories about this story for way too long.
To the cousins, for giving me some excellent one liners that I have yet to use, for inspiring me more than they know, and for supporting this crazy endeavor even though they just discovered it.
To Lynnette, for donut fuel and inspiration, and for putting up with the one that thinks he's the main character.
To K-10, for flashing said main character whenever he got out of wing.
To my poor, poor parents.
To Caspian Toulouse Eustace Stewie Troubles R2-D2 Tooki Tooki Monsieur Parrôt Birdface, for being the sass behind the sizzle.
To Chloe Angel, for being the best cat, manager, muse, and editor ever to exist.
To Jordan, for being an editor and surviving my ensuing death blow, and sticking by me for the hardest parts of this thing. For plotting about that crazy dream scene, for working out the kinks of the big smackdown, and for somehow giving me the ability to relate to my characters more than I ever thought I could. Yuki wouldn't have a soul without you, Shuichi would be way less of a crybaby, and Tatsuha would have remained a drooling donut.
To Jacob, for being my eternal editor, my best friend, and the other half of my brain. For being there from the very beginning of all of my stories, and for having the presence of mind to remember all the stupid little side jokes from four in the morning. I never would have finished anything without you on the other line, patiently listening to my silliness.
Everyone in my life inspired this story, helped me work through the scenes, and put up with my insane blabbering, and even if they're not mentioned, and even if they are, I have to thank them all. This wouldn't have happened without them.
Oh, yeah, and extra special awesome thanks to Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment", Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' song "Your Guardian Angel", and to the Arcade Fire's "Funeral" and "Neon Bible". They helped a whole hell of a lot with this story. There are others, I have a huge playlist that I rotate weekly for this story, but these guys are the front runners. You can thank Adam for the…special scenes, and the other two for all of the sad, sappy ones.
And now, I bid you all adieu.
-Amaya