She Writes His Heart Chapter 7
Confusion, Conundrum
I don't know what to feel.
Sakura couldn't still her turbulent feelings; they ate away at her as she prepared pancakes and other sweet breakfast items for Kero-chan, who was demanding them like nothing had happened. On one hand she was grateful; they didn't have to dwell on what she had learned from Yukito: the truth about why he was with her.
On the other hand… the truth sucked.
How was she supposed to feel better? Granted, Syaoran had been so nice…
No wait, let's not think of Syaoran now, she thought nervously. She didn't think she could face it. So she forced her thoughts to Yukito and tried to analyze what she had missed in their relationship.
Okay, she had known something was wrong; he had never kissed her, save for on the cheek and the hand. But Sakura supposed he was just shy or a very proper gentleman; it did suit Yukito to be so courtly. So the only line of thought left was the unpleasant one: she had read him wrong for so long because she was projecting and forcing her feelings on him.
Was there a way then that she could fix everything? Sakura closed her eyes and sighed; maybe if she opened them again this would be just a dream, and everything would be the way it was before.
It wasn't easy to pretend, though, not when someone she had loved for over a decade not only did not return her love the way she wanted, but had dated her for years on her brother's instigation—to keep other men away from her.
Part of her was furious; the deception was devastating, after all. It was humiliating to know that all those years, she had merely been an obligation for Yukito. What had she missed out on then?
Finally she understood all the subtle and gentle hints Tomoyo had dropped to her, why her best friend seemed disappointed by all the blind dates Sakura had turned down, all the little things her best friend had said to try and reach her over the years that she'd never understood until now. Some time ago Tomoyo had actually used the direct approach: she told Sakura to "stop waiting for someone who moved onto a path you can never follow him on."
Oh what a fool she had been… and worse, she'd been a willing fool. Sakura couldn't even be angry at Yukito; it was her curse to try and see the good intentions of others, to believe in them more than they believed in themselves.
(Except for Syaoran, that was—not that she knew it yet.)
Am I that unattractive? Am I that stupid? Sakura had thought Yukito at least cared about her, and had theorized that maybe the reason why he hadn't made a move was out of respect for her brother. There were so many sweet moments she cherished with Yukito, and her memories were filled with him. You can't just forget loving someone that long in a blink of an eye, after all.
She was also angry at her brother. Touya had always been protective; in high school she'd finally realized that he teased her to get a rise out of her. "Only I get to treat Sakura that way," she'd overheard him saying to Yukito once. His love and affection were clumsily expressed, but real; Sakura had always taken comfort in the love she knew she had from him, her father, Tomoyo, and Yukito.
But did Yukito love me at all? Sakura wiped away a tear; there was no need to put on a brave front because she was alone, but still… Kero-chan had vanished the moment she began to sniffle after breakfast, the little fink. It appeared he would be useless when it came to emotional turbulence.
Sakura went to the phone and dialed Tomoyo's number. Answering machine, yet again. Where was her friend these days? Were they drifting apart? She hadn't seen much of Tomoyo since she started collecting the Cards, and she missed her best friend. She certainly could use a friend to talk to now that everything was confusing and uncertain.
And then there was Syaoran. Funny how her thoughts kept coming back to him for some reason. Sakura shook her head and then realized that in their relationship, she'd benefited more than he had… and the idea shamed her. He was always there to listen, to lend a helping hand… would she even have made it home the other night if not for him?
She deeply appreciated his quiet kindness and concern; he'd never said much but he'd walked her home, stayed with her… and hadn't gotten angry when she tried to kiss him.
Oh my God I am so selfish! Sakura hung her head, remembering how she had kissed Syaoran the other night, forcing him to stand in for Yukito. No wonder he'd pushed her away; it must have hurt his feelings, after all, to be used as a substitute for another. Then her brother had gotten the wrong idea and shooed him out of the house, then she hadn't invited him for breakfast… Sakura pressed her forehead against the cool refrigerator door. How could she face him after all she had done?
What did she feel about him? Right now she missed him; his presence kept her calm and she felt safe with him around. But she thought he was attractive too; seeing him up close, lying in his arms… Sakura felt a little confused because she wanted Syaoran to be with her. She liked having him around, and he was such a good friend: patient, calm, kind, and just nice.
Her breath hitched; she had no idea how to deal with that. He hadn't regretted kissing her, right? No, he had been dreaming. The night before, when she had initiated the kiss, he'd pushed her away.
I'm that unattractive, she thought despairingly. He was dreaming of someone else. And this morning… this morning… He said we're both adults. That means… that means the kiss meant nothing. He…
He was just protecting me. Just like Yukito and my brother. Syaoran probably sees me as a little girl, just like they do. I'm just a burden to him, and he's too nice to say anything.
So why did that thought hurt so much? Sakura made her way through the day like a zombie, cleaning her room and the rest of the house so thoroughly that by nightfall, she was exhausted. All she wanted was to collapse in bed and sleep forever. That way she wouldn't have to face the world, right?
"Get up! Lazy! Time to practice with the Cards!" a voice screeched in her ear after what felt like just two minutes of sleep.
"Ho-eh?" Sakura rolled over and covered her head with a pillow. "No…"
"SAKURA!" Kero screamed. No effect; his voice in his plushie form was too small. And so he lifted the pillow, flew to the toilet, poured a glass of cold water, then…
SPLASH.
"HOE!" Sakura screeched, bolting upright.
"Hoe my foot! Get up and get dressed! We are going to the park to practice!" Kero scolded. "You've been remiss, do you want something nasty to happen the next time a Card shows up? At least the Brat is dedicated to his duties!"
"Brat? Who's the brat?" Sakura asked as she rubbed her eyes.
"The gaki. Li."
"He is not a brat or a gaki," Sakura said as she reluctantly got up, shooting Kero a dirty look. She toweled herself off, dressed in a simple shirt and jeans (and wouldn't Tomoyo have a fit if she knew?) and hauled herself to the park. She wasn't looking forward to facing Syaoran, not after her selfishness the previous night.
Syaoran trudged towards the park where he and Sakura usually practiced magic. He hadn't seen her since that morning, when they had kissed (not that he objected) and her brother had thrown him out of the house. A text message he'd sent asking if she was okay went unanswered.
Was she angry at him? He fidgeted as he waited under a tree for the others to arrive. His Guardian Yue was the first to come; he set four rolled-up newspapers on top of a metal fence.
"Try to destroy those with a different attack for each," he said by way of greeting.
"But… the others… Sakura…"
"Now."
Syaoran blinked; was his Guardian in a bad mood? Then again he always was. So he began with the easiest: a fire spell. He focused on using the blue part of the flame to char the old newspaper quickly, then when it fell into ashes, he struck the next newspaper with a bolt of lightning. As it burned, he used a wind spell to tear up the third newspaper, then…
"Use as little water as possible for the last one," Yue said.
Grunting as he concentrated, Syaoran focused his water attack to soak the folded areas of the newspaper then used a strong jet to rip it apart. Feeling proud of himself, he turned to Yue, who didn't look impressed.
"What?" Syaoran asked defensively.
Yue raised a brow. "You expect praise? Not when you don't deserve it."
Syaoran thought it was unfair; he'd exerted little effort and yet he'd finished the exercise in the blink of an eye.
Without warning, three shadows coalesced into illusion monsters: one was like a dragon, the second was like a tiger, and the last was a female archer about a meter taller than Syaoran. He yelped when she fired a real arrow at him and he barely dodged it.
Yue didn't react, save to say, "Defeat them to dispel them."
Three in one go? Fuck you, Yue, you inconsiderate prat! was Syaoran's last thought before he dived behind a park bench to figure out a strategy before fighting the three illusions.
As Sakura and Kero drew near, she saw Syaoran. He was already training, and she felt embarrassed at being late yet again. She stopped to watch him.
The look of intense concentration actually made him look darker, yet more attractive; his furrowed forehead, his darkened eyes, the way he yelled "Fuuka, shourai!" His tall frame was graceful as he dueled illusions cast by Yue with his sword. It was brilliant, really; he used his wind spell to distract the three into fighting each other.
He was almost pinned down by the tiger, though; Sakura almost cried out but Kero shook his head. "Don't help him. He has to learn on his own."
He deserves better than me, Sakura thought sadly as she continued to watch. He was so brave and handsome and powerful; he'd mastered martial arts and his spells with what seemed like the calm ease he always possessed. (Little did she know how hard he'd struggled!)
And all I did was use him. How disrespectful!
Sakura knew she couldn't face Syaoran, and decided to keep her distance so that he wouldn't think she was nothing but a selfish user. I can be strong on my own. I won't burden him again!
Just then Syaoran lured the archer into a trap; a strange rectangular paper covered with Chinese writing had been concealed in the trees and they shot out lightning as the archer passed between them. Her scream startled the dragon illusion, which attacked the nearby tiger in confusion. Syaoran took advantage of the unholy mess and attacked, dispelling all three quickly.
He really does deserve better than me and my selfishness, she thought again, then raised her chin. She would get through this somehow, without making herself an even bigger burden to Syaoran.
"Yue-san, good evening," Syaoran heard as he stood panting from his exertions.
Sakura walked into the park, looking somber, with Cerberus trailing behind her. She simply nodded at Syaoran then turned to call the Cards they had captured, practicing how to control them.
Is she ignoring me? Syaoran walked up to her.
"Um, about this morning…"
Not looking at him, she shook her head. "It's okay, don't worry about me," Sakura said softly, then she walked off a bit. "Windy! Take the loose leaves off the trees and pile them in the center of the park!"
"Don't interrupt her," Yue said, then set Syaoran to practicing his spells again. There was no more chance to talk to Sakura as he and she practiced spells until midnight.
Though he was tired, Syaoran went up to Sakura, doggedly determined to talk to her. "I'll walk you home," he offered.
"Thanks. But Cerberus is with me. Good night."
Syaoran watched as she walked away. He wasn't sure whether he was angry at being ignored, sad over her refusal to talk things over, frustrated about the situation, or confused. Why was she avoiding him? He didn't like it, not one bit, but then he realized he had no right to force her to explain herself.
Just to be sure, he followed Sakura from a distance until she entered her house. She walked home in silence, without saying anything to Kero, and he could have sworn she was crying. Syaoran wanted to call her, but he realized she didn't want his company just then; he gritted his teeth, focused on tailing her from a distance, and once she was safely inside her house, went home himself. His Guardian went missing, just as he thought.
Why they even bother calling him a Guardian is beyond me, he thought irritably.
The next night began the same way. He felt a bit wrong-footed the whole time; Sakura was avoiding looking at him. She didn't smile when they met up in the wooded clearing where they practiced their magic, and seemed determinedly focused on her Cards.
Syaoran wanted to apologize, to do anything to get her to just look at him and so maybe they could go back to their easy relationship in the past, but then Yue had barked at him to focus on the lesson.
"Try harder!" Yue yelled at Syaoran, who was balancing himself on a cushion of air as he summoned lightning and a waterspout. All he'd managed to do so far was to electrocute Cerberus by accident (and the little tiger was still furiously cursing in the tree where he'd retreated) and summon a tiny waterspout which had just wet Yue's feathers. He'd at least managed not to get Sakura wet, thankfully; she was practicing with the other cards they'd already captured and from what he could see, she was doing very well with them.
"I am trying, dammit!" Syaoran yelled back. But his lapse in concentration almost cost him; he lost control of the air cushion momentarily. He managed to get it back under control only to be wiped out by the giant waterspout he'd suddenly conjured by accident.
As Syaoran stood up, spluttering and shaking water out of his hair, he gritted his teeth. He was tired of hearing Yue say he wasn't exerting himself; Syaoran felt he'd done well, mastering his major spells for fire, water, wind, and lightning in two nights, and the martial arts attacks in a few weeks but his Guardian had merely said he wasn't trying hard enough.
Then he felt it.
"Sakura!" he yelled.
"What?" Sakura turned at the last second, and barely avoided being knocked down by something very black and dark. "Clow Card!"
"I know!" Syaoran quickly summoned his sword then, "Kashin shourai!" It was a strong fire spell, but the darkness swallowed it. Syaoran quickly racked his brains, then, "It's Shadow!"
"Took you long enough to recognize it!" Cerberus snapped at him.
Thunder will illuminate and weaken the thing, Syaoran decided. But the Card went for Sakura again, swiping at her and cutting her sleeve in the process of knocking her down.
"Shit!" Syaoran yelled. "Are you all right?"
"Y-Yeah," Sakura gasped. "But I…"
"Raitei shourai!" Syaoran called angrily. Why was the damned Card ignoring him and going only for Sakura? He ran to stand in front of her as his lightning spell struck the Shadow card.
Shadow seemed to shake off the spell, then it lashed out at Sakura yet again. Syaoran blocked the blow, but was lashed across the cheek and arm rather viciously.
"Damn!" Syaoran lashed back with a vicious lightning spell. It made Shadow back off; the Card staggered.
"Syaoran! You're bleeding!" Sakura's eyes were wide open.
"Never mind that," he called back. "Get behind me!"
"No! I won't let it hurt you…"
"And I'm not letting it hurt you, dammit!" Syaoran roared. He then cast a lightning and fire spell simultaneously, and he felt the magic leaving him, making him a little dizzy; something struck him and he looked down to see he'd been hit in the chest, and the wound was bleeding. Oh shit.
"Wait! Do that again!" Sakura yelled. "Fire and lightning both!"
Syaoran instinctively obeyed Sakura who, as it turned out, had had the brilliant idea of channeling Syaoran's lightning and fire into a circle around the Card, and when the brilliance weakened Shadow, she sealed it. But the effort forced Syaoran to his knees, and he leaned against a nearby tree, panting.
The Card floated towards her, and she merely pocketed it quickly then ran to Syaoran.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah," Syaoran breathed; now that the adrenalin rush was over, he was feeling the pain, and he knew he'd have to drag himself home. It wasn't like his Guardian was going to bother helping him, he was sure.
"No you're not," Sakura said, as she used a small flashlight to examine his wounds. "Let's go to the hospital."
"Y-you go home. I'll be fine. Really," Syaoran said as he stood up.
"But Syaoran…"
He almost gasped when, as he straightened up, the pain from the wound below his ribs shot through him. "Good night, Sakura."
"No."
"What?"
Sakura looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry. I was so bothersome to you and then I… I couldn't face you yesterday, not after what I did and what my onii-chan did."
"It's nothing," Syaoran said. "I'm sorry I kissed you…"
As soon as the words left his mouth, Syaoran realized how they sounded, and winced when Sakura blinked. She'd taken it the wrong way—she thought he didn't like the kiss!
"Um, me too," she said as her eyes dropped. "But let's go to the hospital. Okay?" She cast Windy to carry them both to the edge of the clearing, where she hailed a cab to rush Syaoran to the nearest hospital just a few minutes away.
He was relieved they were talking again, but disturbed at the many misunderstandings that seemed to be sprouting between them lately. Why did it have to be that way?
At the hospital's emergency room, the cut on Syaoran's cheek was declared superficial, and bandaged. His arm wound was cleaned, but he needed two little stitches for the one on his stomach.
"You'll have a little scar, sorry about that. If you model though you can cover it with makeup," the perky young doctor named Isuzu said. "Shame, such a nice body you have." She winked at Sakura. "Lucky girl!"
Syaoran blushed hard; what was the doctor saying?
"Keep changing the dressing twice a day for a week. Use iodine and this antiseptic powder. Do you jog or exercise?"
"Um," and Syaoran wondered if learning elemental spells counted, "I sort of, uh, yeah. Why?"
"Until the stitches fall off, no exercise, okay? I just want to be careful."
"Um…" So how do you tell a Clow card not to show up for a week? Syaoran wondered. "Okay."
"How did you get these wounds?" the perky young doctor Isuzu asked Syaoran.
Syaoran began to stammer, but Sakura beat him to it.
"Um, we were, ah, walking in the park… yes! Then, uh, then these guys came and he fought them off."
Syaoran's jaw dropped at the bold lie, a gesture misinterpreted by Dr. Isuzu.
"Dear me, don't be ashamed with your girlfriend. That was a brave thing!"
"No… I… we're not..." This time Syaoran stopped himself before he could say something that might hurt Sakura. "It was nothing," he finally muttered. "Just as long as she's safe."
"If you were mugged, we can help you file a police report," Dr. Isuzu invited, her hand on the phone.
"N-no!" Sakura squeaked. "I mean, uh, we…"
As she was panicking, Syaoran stepped in. "It was dark, and I don't think we could identify him... I mean, them."
The doctor gave them a wise look, indicating she knew they weren't telling the truth but she would let it go for now. "All right then."
As they walked out, Syaoran insisted on hailing a cab to take Sakura home. As they sat in the back seat, he was surprised when her hand crept into his.
"I'm glad you're okay," she said quietly.
"So am I," he grinned weakly.
"I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad. I was just confused and I didn't know what to say to you…"
"Don't apologize, please, it was my fault…"
"… but Syaoran, that was rude of me, after you helped me by staying with me that night…"
"… it was nothing, really, please, Sakura…"
"… it was selfish of me…"
Boldly, Syaoran placed a finger on Sakura's lips.
"I'm the one who's sorry. Not because I kissed you, but because I did it without your permission. Forgive me."
"I kissed you too," Sakura said, her head bowed, "in place of Y-Yukito. I'm sorry I used you that way."
There was a small, sad silence between then; they looked at each other for a while, then Syaoran decided he ought to say something.
"Why don't we just put this behind us?" he said. Please let her agree, please please please, he pleaded in his head.
She looked surprised then she smiled-how he had missed that smile!-and nodded. "Okay! I promise!" And she held out her pinky.
Syaoran smiled. "That's such a…" cute thing so like you, he thought, but he prevented himself from saying it as it might sound condescending. "Er… a pinky promise?"
"Mm-hm!" Sakura nodded.
"Okay. Then may a thousand needles prick my eye if I lie," Syaoran said solemnly as they linked pinkies and shook on it.
To his surprise; they had arrived at her place. "Friends again," she said.
"Always were," Syaoran said, though he was slow to smile. Was that really all they would ever be? He asked the driver to wait and escorted her to her door.
"Will you be okay?" he asked.
"Thanks to you, yes," Sakura said, then after a small hesitation, she tiptoed up and kissed his cheek.
Syaoran was momentarily stunned, but he grasped her hand, pulled her closer then kissed her cheek as well.
"Good night," he said softly.
Sakura grinned. "See you tomorrow!" She closed the door, and Syaoran looked at it forlornly for a while before walking back to the cab.
He didn't see as Sakura leaned against the doorframe inside the house and touched her lips. Why had she wished for him to kiss her there again? Why had that kiss on the cheek been so hard for her to give, and why had his kiss on her cheek such a pleasant surprise?
For his part, Syaoran walked into his apartment with a silly grin on his face. Friends with cheek-kissing benefits? I can take that, he thought, as he absently changed into a shirt sans shorts, used shaving cream to wash his face, and forgot to set his alarm.
Neither knew that they both wanted to be alone together, again, to find out where the whole thing was going.
Continues in Chapter 8
I apologize for saying this; please know I mean no offense. But it does feel disheartening to get fewer reviews than those stories which are not proofread for grammar and spelling, and which feature OOC characters. The message I'm getting is obviously that my story isn't good enough. I appreciate constructive criticism; so do tell me what's missing the mark so I can fix it?
I appreciate all those who have reviewed, and you guys know I thank you personally through PM because if you could take a few seconds to review then I certainly can invest a few seconds to thank you (hugs my reviewers, and to anonymous reviewers, please let me thank you here). You're the only reason I kept going, honestly.
But I had to say this, because FFN writers do live for reviews; we don't get paid, we don't really get anything for devoting hours to drafting and revising per chapter. Can you really blame us for giving up on a story if only a few people want to read it? I don't believe in holding my chapters hostage for X amount of reviews, but I confess that the lack of reviews does not inspire updates. Anyway if worse comes to worst I'll just finish the story in my Livejournal and leave the link here. Sorry if this bothers you but it's really been bothering me too; if I'm doing that badly, please let me know. Thanks.