The words hit her hard. She was so frightened of facing her reality she'd never actually spoken the words aloud herself.
Lily felt Rufus go stiff. He let go of Lily and stood up. She couldn't see where he was going. Steady footsteps closed around the couch until an explosion of light filled the room. Lily grabbed a pillow instinctively, her eyes not used to the harsh light. By the time she could adjust her eyes to her surroundings, Rufus had resumed his position, only this time his face had turned white.
'But...why didn't you tell me, Lil? How long have you...had it? Is it bad? Is it Ca-'he cut his sentence short, ashamed at the blatancy of his words. Lily forgave him immediately, she had expected this reaction.
'Lily...talk to me' Rufus pleaded, his eyes big and tearing up. Lily wrapped her arms around him, her left hand moving up and down his back, attempting to comfort him.
'Rufus, I've wanted to tell you. Tell you so bad, but I just couldn't. If you knew and the kids knew, soon everyone would know and it would all become so real. I couldn't face that. Please try and understand.' She sat up, dizzy from the sharp movement.
'Lily, don't ever think you can't tell me anything. I will always be here. I understand why you thought you couldn't, Lily. Just please don't shut me out. I love you, always have, and always will.' Rufus said, gripping tightly onto Lily's hands. Lily smiled the warm smile she hadn't used in a long time, and Rufus grinned along with her.
'Lily, you must be starving, why don't you just relax here while I make you some breakfast?' Rufus asked, standing up and moving to the kitchen. Lily sat back, all weights lifted from her. She had forgotten about the scarf for now, she just had eyes for Rufus.
'I would love that. How about waffles?' She replied, tying her hair up in a messy bun with elastic around her wrist. She had favoured neat, perfect buns for a while, but preferred her hair out lately, although it had become quite messy through the night. Her joints were aching from the soft couch under her, and she struggled to find a comfortable position. She eyed the scarf crumpled on the glass coffee table again, still pangs of worry rippling through her as she tried to wake up completely. She still didn't know why Rufus had seen the woman, or who she was. She frowned, creases forming on her forehead.
Before she knew it a plate of freshly made waffles appeared in front of her and Rufus sat down next to her. He was still grinning, but the grin faded once he saw her worried face.
'What's wrong? Are the waffles burnt?' He asked half jokingly.
'Rufus' – she turned to him – 'why did you see that woman in the building? And why, after stomping out of my apartment the night before were you so easy to forgive me last night? Are you sure nothing happened? If something did, is that why you forgave me so easily?' She felt uncomfortable accusing him of this, but she was still drowsy from the night before, and was still close to tears.
Rufus became stiff, and was silent for a moment. He then showed a pained expression, of hurt and anger. Lily felt immediately guilty of asking Rufus of such things. She gripped her stomach, her frown getting deeper. Rufus took an angry jab at the waffles, and stuffed it into his mouth.
'Lil- no, how dare you? How dare you accuse me of this? Lily, I love you. I just told you I did. I would do anything for you. I was angry at you, so I saw Holland. We met at the rooftop garden meeting. But nothing happened. I repeat, nothing happened.' His voice was cold and harsh, and the words stung. Lily turned uncomfortably to the waffles and helped herself to some.
'Rufus...I need you so much. I don't know why I thought you would do anything. But when Vanya brought the scarf up I expected the worst. I'm sorry, Rufus.' She felt tears prick up in her eyes again.
She took another bite of the waffles and wiped the tears away. Rufus saw her crying again, and grabbed her neck, pulling her into a violent kiss. Lily softly moaned as their tongues intertwined. A jolt panged in her stomach, a familiar ache she got whenever Rufus was around. When she thought of Rufus, she would have to steel herself, because he made her weak just thinking about him. In a swirl of kisses Lily thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be alright.