Chapter 4 – The elephant and the panda
"You have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo that refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected." Sue Sylvester spat out while looking down at Emma.
"You're not worthy of the power of Madonna" she concluded and walked out Emma's office door, leaving behind a mortified guidance counselor. She got up and paced around her office, angrily.
Oh yeah, she thought to herself. I'll show you… I don't deserve the power of Madonna? Last time you had intercourse, I probably wasn't even born yet!
A couple of more minutes and Emma made a brash and totally unhygienic decision. She rushed out her door and went in search of Will. She took advantage of her momentary lapse of sanity and tracked him down, conveniently forgetting that they had promised to take it slow and each work on their issues. Will turned around when he heard his name called and locked eyes with a flustered Emma, who took a deep breath and then spit out the following diatribe.
"You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own."
Will took a second to absorb all that and then uneasily replied: „Okay"
„So I need to take control of myself... and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think?"
Oops, better not ask for permission. That's not emasculating enough.
„Not that it matters." She added breathlessly.
Will was confused by this turn in events and wondered if they were gonna regret it. But Will, as dreamy as he might have been, was still a man. And he was not about to pass on sex. Especially since Emma was so excited about the idea. Emma braced herself for either a rejection, or an acceptance, bitter disappointment or abject fear.
"I couldn't agree more." He finally said grinning.
„Okay"
Abject fear it shall be!
By the time Emma returned to her office, most of her resolve had dissipated since she realized she had no idea what to do next. She felt slightly nauseous and swinged around to go to the bathroom, when she collided with principal Figgins.
"Miss Pillsbury! You need to talk to this delinquent!"
Figgins was mandhandling none other than Noah Puckerman, also known as Puck. The shorter man pushed the teenager into Emma's office, and Puck did not look happy to be there.
"Wh-what is this about?" Emma asked, trying to regain her composure.
"What is this about? WHAT is this about?" the principal Shouted.
"Yes, I think I just asked that…" Emma said cocking her head because her ears started ringing.
"Puckerman, you want to tell miss Pillsbury what we found in your locker? Or do you want the evidence to speak for itself? Though God only knows what obscenities it might spew out."
Without waiting for the teen's answer, principal Figgins shoved four dvd's in plastic cases right under Emma's nose. Those dvd's had blank covers, but with names like: Forest Hump, Shaving Ryan's Privates, Romeo in Juliet and Deep impact, the subject matter was pretty straight forward. Emma yelped.
„Oh, yes, very... bad" she mumbled, while her pale complexion turned furious red.
„Sodomy! Onanism! Pederasty... not that there's anything wrong with that! But to bring such depravity under the roof of our institution! What do you have to say for yourself Puckerman?"
„They're not mine! I was holding them! For somebody else." Puck quickly explained.
„Really, for whom?"
„For me..." Emma quickly offered, unsure what to do.
Figgins swung his head around to stare flabbergasted at his employee, wondering if she was actually crazier than he first thought when he hired her. Puck's face simply read: „WTF?"
„Yes... uh... Emma quickly scrambled her brains trying to figure out what to say. In light of professor Schuester's efforts to make the boys of Glee club more open to the idea of woman empowerement, Noah came to me to ask me how he could make a symbolic contribution. And I advised him to get rid of his pornographic materials which shamelessly objectify women. Yes. That's what happened. He just didn't get around to give them to me yet"
Figgins eyed Emma suspiciously. Then turned around and asked Puck:
„Is this true?"
"Yeah. Pornography… bad. Disgusting. Sodomy.. Onanticism…"
"Onanism..." Emma corrected him.
"That too. Very bad. Don't want it under my roof anymore. I want to be free of the scourge of sexual imagery and... loose morals"
Figgins continued to stare down the two, but eventually his expression softened.
„Fine, you just dodged a bullet mister Puckerman. But if I catch you peddling smut again. Bad enough you impregnated our main cheerleader. Next thing I know, the basketball team will want to gang bang our mascot."
„Got it. No smut. Pg-13 for the win" Puck quickly offered.
„I trust you to take proper care of these" Figgins said dropping the dvd's on Emma's office. She winced visibly when the plastic cases touched her office. She really didn't want to think what those covers had been in contact with. Didn't want to and couldn't because she might lose conciousness. The Principal left the office and Puck let out a huge breath he didn't know he was holding.
„Phew, man that was close, high five"
„I'd rather not" Emma excused herself and quickly took a seat at her office. No way would she be touching that boy again. Ever.
„You really shouldn't bring that stuff to school, Noah"
„Why, they're educational materials. And this IS an educational institution" Puck joked and reached for his porn.
„Nuh-uh" Emma gently scolded him and tapped his hand with a ruler.
„What! Don't tell me you're keeping them. Really missus P., get your own porn if you're feeling slap happy."
Emma looked up confused at the younger man.
„You know... Flick the bean? Diddle the skittle? Rubbin the nubbin?" Puck continued.
„I don't understand a single word you just said, but if you're implying I'm going to use these movies for... for..."
"Buffin the muffin?"
"Auto-erotic purposes! If you're suggesting that, I'm going to call back mr. Figgins in here..."
„Aw man. What are you going to do with them?"
„Take them outside, pour gasoline on them and set them on fire. And I shall laugh maniacally while I do it. Like any self respecting postmodern feminist."
„Oh come on Missus P."
„Don't. Really Noah, you astound me. If you placed just half of the energy and mental resources you use for obtaining sexual gratification into academics, who knows what you'd be able to achieve. You might get to invent a cure for cancer, or write the next Harry Potter or something."
„Oh what's the big deal. It's just a little porn. I've been watching that stuff since I was 10, and I came out right. Right?" Puck lost his train of thought and started giggling.
„What's so funny?"
„You have a brochure on your desk from the Fellman University of Central Kansas" he said pointing a finger at the brochure and grinning.
„So?"
„Well that's an acronym for..."
„Yeah, okey, Emma quickly interrupted him. Obviously, you're a well adjusted individual. No, go see Mr Schuester and tell him what you've done. If he has any faith in this week's assignment you should get reprimanded."
„Nah, Mr. Schuester is cool. He'll understand."
„Really?" Emma asked, slightly concerned.
„Yeah, I mean, all guys watch porn. Its like women and chocolate"
„A-ha" Emma agreed, staring blankly.
„Miss Pillsbury. Can I at least have my Deep Impact dvd back?"
„Noah, we've been over this. Don't make me regret helping you out"
„It's a science fiction movie! Honest!" Puck threw up his hands in his defence. „You can check on IMDB"
„Oh... it's alright then I guess." Emma passed him the DVD and Puck headed for the door.
„Oh, and missus P. Thanks."
Emma smiled one last time in Puck's direction and he disappeared in the hallway. She stared at the left over dvd's on her desk and remembered an Animal Planet special she watched on Pandas. One of the things that zoo keepers did to get Pandas in the mood for mating was to show them videos of other members of their species mating. With that thought in mind, Emma put on a pair of celophane gloves and picked up the DVD's. She placed them in a tupperware container large enough, and hid it in the farthest, darkest, safest corner of her purse, to be viewed at a later date in the privacy of her own cage. I mean home.
If it's good enough for the pandas...
AN: Ah, I enjoyed writing this chapter. I'm big on dialogues, not so big on... anything else really. And I don't know what the standard punishment is for finding porn in a kid's locker, but I suppose he wouldn't get expelled for that much. Hope you enjoyed it! :) Next up: Purple elephant.