Chapter 4: F-I-R-D

"Hey! I resent that!" shouted Adam.

Grovyle merely looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I'm a GUY!"

Awkward silence. Finally, Grovyle responded, as a matter-of-fact, "Uh, no you're not. You're a brain-in-a-computer who, by definition, is technically genderless."

"What are you talking about? I used to be a human too, you know! See? Let me prove it to you…"

A hologram from a projector in the ceiling lit up in front of us. It depicted a man in official Galactic Federation armor, and pop-up bios featuring information such as:

Adam Malkovich
Commanding Officer of the Galactic Federation's 7th Platoon
Height: 7'1''. Weight: 162 lbs. Age: 57.

appeared around it. For a middle-aged man, he looked unusually handsome, like the kind of guy I guessed the girls at my school could swoon at the sight of…at least, if they were into guys like Edward Cullen. Or Brad Pitt, for that matter. Me? Meh. He looked pretty normal to me.

"...Oh," said Grovyle, examining the hologram closely. Chikorita burst out laughing on the spot, while Big Amy, me, and (I think) even Samus did our best to stifle our laughter. After we recovered, we examined the holograms too. Big Amy complained, "I can't read this!" referring to the letters in perfect English.

Chikorita blurted out, "What do you mean you used to be a human? I mean…how come you're in that machine in this ship now?"

"Oh, you know. Accident on the job, and BOOM, I'm toast. They transplanted my brain in this ship, and voila, I get to keep on living and boss you guys around." Something about the tone of his voice told me that he was deliberately withholding some of the exact details, but it might have been gory, so I didn't bother to ask.

Chikorita's face paled, and she stuttered, "Aaaauaaaagh! You're a—a g-g-g-g-g-g—g-g-GHOOOOST!" She sounded just like Chelinka from FFCC: Ring of Fates. Yikes. Right when it looked like she was going to faint, Grovyle caught her.

"I'm not a ghost, Chikorita. I'm just a so-called brain-in-a-computer who happens to be a former human! Two completely different things. In fact, ghosts don't exist. At least, none that I'm aware of."

With that matter settled, Big Amy suddenly remembered what she was going to say. "Now Grovyle, wait a second! Thanks to this stupid Cute Charm ability of mine, Chikorita and I are surrounded by GUYS all the time! And do you see us complaining?"

He just stared at her, trying to stifle a laugh. "Well...you are complaining now..."

"I'm serious! Lopunny said that's what would happen! Why didn't you tell me? I mean, if that's what being a Jigglypuff is all about, maybe I'd be better off turning back into a human, and—"

"Now Amy, don't be silly—"

At this point, Adam cut in, "Interesting. So you DO want to turn back into a human, don't you?"

"Yeah. Why?" replied Big Amy, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world—I mean universe—whatever.

"Give me a moment…"

The hologram disappeared, and the projector retracted into the ceiling. Another gadget emerged to take its place. Oddly enough, it extended low enough to reach Big Amy's level (as in, I was sitting down and she was sitting on my head.) It was a watch-shaped device wrapped around a placeholder cylinder. The watch was mostly black with white adornments, and a green face with a giant Roman numeral X laid on top of it…Wait a second here!

"The Omnitrix! What's it doing in here?" I gasped. It looked exactly like the one from the original Ben 10 TV show. Big Amy, Chikorita, and Grovyle all looked at me with disbelief etched all over their faces. Samus said, "The Omnitrix? What are you talking about? That's a DNA repair machine."

As if to prove her point, the device's face ran a scanning laser over Big Amy for about a second. It then said, "Genetic damage detected. Repair?"

Big Amy stared at the device and asked it, "What do you mean by 'repair'?"

Stifling a laugh, Adam explained, "That handy device came with this ship. It can detect whether your original DNA signature had been modified or not, and it can restore it back to normal. Want to try it?"

"I have no idea what you just said, but…okay!" agreed Big Amy enthusiastically.

Grovyle interrupted, "Now wait a second—!"

Several things happened at once. The Omnitrix-like device shot a beam of light at Big Amy, and she started to glow a really bright pink light, right when Grovyle failed to snatch her off my head and away from it. At that moment, I swore I heard someone say, "Ala-kablooie!" I vaguely remembered that line from the Houdini episode of Lilo and Stitch: The Series, but didn't have time to reflect on it, because the next thing I knew, something really heavy pressed into my shoulders, forcing me to come down hard. My forehead smacked right into the floor. "OW!" Then the heavy object fell off of me.

Chikorita gasped, "Little Amy! You okay—?" but then started screaming. (I imagine that Samus, Adam, and Grovyle were all stunned with silence.) Because my head was throbbing from the pain (luckily, I didn't get a concussion), for a second, I thought what I saw next was some sort of hallucination.

Sprawled on the floor against the clear cylindrical elevator was a girl about 10 years old or so. She had really long brown hair down to her waist, big bright green eyes, and pale skin. I mean, really pale. The gigantic red bow fell to the floor. She wore a ragged brown dress tied together with some sort of yellowish jacket, and her shoes were made of the same brown cloth, almost like part of a set. And what I really noticed was the mass of white "band-aid" dressing wrapped almost everywhere. There were lots around her shins all the way up to her knees and a little around both wrists. The outfit as a whole slightly resembled the one Kana Amara wore in another one of my fanfictions, The Heroes of Time—Hey wait a second!

"Big Amy?" I asked in disbelief.

"You're a human again. You're back!" gasped Grovyle, reeling from even more shock.

Samus and Adam were still speechless. Even Chikorita stopped screaming for a second.

"Wh—wha…?" She looked at her hands and shouted "AAAH!", as if they were alien appendages. Which, come to think about it, they probably were. At least to her. "Wha—what do you mean? How did—? WHOA!" She got up and tried to walk, but fell down almost immediately. Grovyle and I barely caught her in time. "This is so WEIRD! My arms and legs are way too long! H—how am I supposed to move?" she gasped.

"I'll help," I quickly volunteered.

Finally, Chikorita couldn't take it anymore. "Uuuugh…" She fainted, and this time, we couldn't catch her in time.

Samus seemed to finally snap out of it. "Okay…would someone please explain to me why the heck Puffball Girl—I mean, this 'Amy Vee Purima'—used to be a human?"

Grovyle perked up. "Certainly. It's a long story, though…"

"It'll take another hour to reach Capital Planet. We've got time," she replied.

Amy Purima tried to walk one more time, but lost her center of gravity all over again and fell on me. Hard. Obviously, I didn't know she could feel so heavy. "Ooow…" I groaned.

While Grovyle explained the intricacies of turning-into-a-Pokémon-via-protecting-one's-best-friend-from-a-deadly-energy-attack-while-traveling-through-time to Samus and Adam, I helped Amy Purima (now about 4'3" tall) learn how to walk without falling over. I found that as a Jigglypuff, her center of gravity was much lower, and had to teach her how to manage it now that it was higher. I took it in steps; first, she learned how to crawl; then, she used the wall to help stand up and walk, much like training wheels. Finally, by the end, she could walk across the whole room without my help, and by that time, Chikorita finally woke up.

"Interesting…I guess there are still things I don't understand at all," concluded Samus.

Adam announced, "We're here!" The ship shuddered, and the outside hyperspace disappeared into normal space. We could see…

"Hey, isn't that Earth?" I asked.

Samus explained, "Yes, but most people nowadays call it Capital Planet since the Galactic Federation is there."

In the next few minutes, Amy Purima, Chikorita, and I looked out the window and saw the planet below get closer and closer. Samus and Adam managed to get clearance to land, but it wasn't where we expected.

"Okay, we're going to drop you guys off here. Adam and I have to get back to the Galactic Federation, and it's against regulations for unauthorized personnel to enter headquarters. Here are 1,000 Federation credits for each of you. Have fun and get to know the place. Good luck," said Samus. She handed us some things that looked like debit cards. They were light-blue and had the number "1,000" printed on it.

"Wait! You're leaving us here?" I asked in shock and desperation.

"Don't worry, kid! The city has more than enough services for people to live here. You can learn to drive a spaceship, live on your own, get a job…thanks to the technological advances that extraterrestrials brought, even kids as young as 7 can live on their own. You'll be fine," she explained.

Adam coaxed, "Go on and take a look! This is Virginia in the future; not very far from where you used to live, kid. You'll like it."

The four of us piled into the elevator. "Well," said Adam, "nice knowing you guys. Most interesting group of civilians we've ever known. Hopefully you can find some way to get back to your own time. And if not…I'm sure you'll like the city. See you!"

The elevator lowered. We had no idea what to expect. When it stopped, we stepped off. The elevator retracted, and the ship rose and flew off into the distance. They didn't disappear into the atmosphere like I expected, but instead just flew farther off to a gigantic building in the distance. I guessed it was the Galactic Federation building. We waited for the smoke to clear. When it finally did…

I could not believe my eyes. Sprawling out in front of us really was the city—no, the metropolis—of my dreams. Buildings connected by enclosed walkways rose 100, 200, even 300 stories into the air. Aliens of all shapes, colors, and sizes walked, bounced, and flew all around. Everywhere we looked, there were holographic signs advertising various items that…who knew what they did. Flying vehicles, land machines of various sizes, Air Ride Machines, and more that I couldn't begin to comprehend traveled around the place, and there were thin roads for Air Ride Machines spiraling and twisting their way through the air. And everywhere we looked had a stunning, almost blinding golden sheen to them. We just stood there, rooted to the spot, taking it all in, totally astounded. I only had one thing to say, and I didn't care what Adam had said earlier.

"We are SO not in Virginia anymore."

As they fly the ship back up, Samus finally relaxes in her chair and sighs in relief.

Samus: Finally...peace and quiet. (Just as it's supposed to be.)

They ruminate over everything that happened since the previous mission. After about a minute or so, Adam finally speaks up.

Adam: ...Samus?

Samus: Yeah, Adam?

Adam: Somehow, I get a funny feeling that we're forgetting something...

Samus: You mean those kids? Eh. I know it hurts, but we shouldn't get too emotionally invested in a bunch of random civilians whom we're likely never see again.

Adam: (...You're just telling yourself that...aren't you?) I dunno, Samus. I just have this feeling—

Samus: Ignore it. We're not responsible for them anymore.

"WA-HOOOOO!" Amy Purima, Chikorita and I shouted. We charged right ahead, with Grovyle keeping pace with us. Everyone—that is, all the city-slicker aliens and people around us—just dropped everything they were doing and stared at us in disbelief. I bet we were acting just like people from third-world countries who see United States of America society for the first time. We practically were. Normally, the staring would really worry me, but Team Pecha's enthusiasm was just so contagious, I was able to let go of my inhibitions for the first time in a while. What surprised me even more was the fact that Amy Purima could suddenly run so fast. Okay, so she might've been a little unsteady, but she never fell. Not even once. Amazing. Anyway, we ran and ran and ran, just taking in the sights of the massive shiny futuristic city. Finally, we were so tired, we had to stop and catch our breaths. Except Grovyle, of course.

"Sheesh…" he grumbled. "You girls are such energy wasters. Do you even know where we should go?"

I complained, "Hey! I pace myself all the time, I swear! They're the energy wasters."

"What was that supposed to mean…?" accused Chikorita, glaring at me (or was it Grovyle?). Before anyone could say anything else, though, a blocky machine that was floating through the air finally caught up to us. I was really surprised; It was a robot from the seventh Pokémon movie, Destiny Deoxys. At the same time, I cringed. Was it trying to catch up to us the whole time?

Still hovering, it spoke, rather slowly, "Welcome to Gaijin City, capital city of Captial Planet, and home of the Galactic Federation headquarters! The name derives from the Japanese word gaijin, which means, 'foreigner', referring to the fact that this city, by far, has the greatest amount of biodiversity of all planets under Galactic Federation jurisdiction."

"Oh yeah, I knew that!" I exclaimed. After all, I just finished my third year of taking Japanese at my high school (well, more like secondary school, because I went there for middle school too). I knew that word and way more, not to mention increasingly complex sentence structures. But what really confused me was the fact that they'd use Japanese here at all. I mean, weren't there all these aliens running around us? Why not use a word from one of their languages? And biodiversity? Wasn't that a term from Environmental Science referring to organisms only? It sounded kind of weird being used for intelligent beings and such.

Amy Purima, Chikorita, and Grovyle just stared. "Foreigner City?" they asked, testing it out.

"It sounds better in Japanese. Almost like Chinese, too. Trust me," I explained.

Grovyle gave me that weird befuddled look again, but before he could say anything else, the robot cut in, "Please wait a moment as we take your picture. Smile!"

Not wanting to make the same mistake that May did, I flashed my best smile as the robot took my picture; a close up. Amy Purima, Chikorita, and Grovyle all followed my lead. When the robot was finished, it printed out passports with our pictures on them. "Please take your passports," it said, holding them out for us. We did.

"What are these for?" asked Grovyle.

"They will allow you to access our numerous facilities we provide. It also has a map you can refer to in case you get lost. Any questions?"

Chikorita piped up, "Yeah! What are you?"

"I am Unit 54-329, a Welcome Robot with the express purpose of guiding newcomers, providing information and services, and upholding justice and the public peace." It turned to me and asked, "How about you?"

I felt nervous. After all, I wasn't sure just how advanced its word comprehension system was; if it couldn't understand me, I was in trouble. I spoke as clearly as I could. "How is it that all these different…aliens…can live in the same place? It looks like they come from lots of different planets—and environments."

"There are several sections of Gaijin City with services for various species. Please wait a moment…" It scanned all four of us at once. "You two are humans…and you two are Pokémon. I can guide you to both sections. Want to come?"

"Sounds good to me!" I agreed.

So we followed Unit 54-329 all the way to the human section first. We hopped on (really fast!) moving conveyor belts, floating escalators, elevators, and all sorts of crazy transportation devices. It was insane. Luckily, the robot never left us behind.

Finally, we arrived in the general area. It was the automatic double-door entrance to a mega-mall that was at least 20 floors high, if not 40. The entrance ceiling stretched up to the 20th floor, giving us a view of a maze of escalators, elevators, airboard ramps, and more, spanning each of the floors, and we could barely begin to see the multitude of stores the lined the halls. We just stood there in awe for a good long while.

"Thanks, Mr. Robot!" said Amy Purima.

"Can you send Grovyle and Chikorita on ahead of us?" I asked.

"Sure thing, madams. If you have any questions, ask any of the nearby assistance robots. Have a nice day!" it said. Then it addressed Grovyle and Chikorita. "Now let me escort you two to the Pokémon section," and tried to drag them along, but Grovyle got jumpy.

"Wait, wait! You two are staying here? Why?" he asked.

"Don't worry, Grovyle. I've got this covered. I mean, who better to teach her to be a civilized human being than a civilized human being, you know what I mean?" I answered, pointing to myself. After all, I knew that she couldn't remember being a human at all, which could lead to some unfortunate consequences in a super-sophisticated society like this. I had to look after her, even if I knew barely anything about this time period myself. Some guidance was better than none.

I suppose he did, luckily. "But where should we meet?"

"Somewhere around here, I guess," I said.

The robot reassured us, "Do not worry. You can link with each other's passports to track where your group is at all times."

"How do we do that?" asked Chikorita.

The robot took our passport cards and electronically linked them. When it gave them back, we could see four blinking dots on the hologram maps that popped up from the hologram projector on the card. With that, it exited through the automatic doors and led Chikorita and Grovyle off to the Pokémon section. I was surprised there was actually a Pokémon section; I didn't think that those on Planet Portania had much in the way of interplanetary travel. After all, they seemed pretty shocked to see Samus' ship.

"Civilized?" she asked me, clearly not knowing the word.

"Yeah. See, just look. Everyone here looks so shiny and futuristic and stuff, and look at you! You look like you've just come out of a jungle or something. We're going to have to—"

"But playing in jungles is fun!" As if to prove her point, she climbed up to a higher elevation platform of some sort and jumped. She landed on me, hooking her legs around my shoulders. "OW!" I shouted, crashing down facedown onto the ground. "Owowowowow! GET OFF ME!" I barely gritted out.

"AAAH! Sorry! H—how come it doesn't work anymore?" She immediately jumped off.

I groaned, sat back up, and dusted myself off. "Two reasons. First, you're a lot heavier now. I'm guessing 75 pounds. When you were a Jigglypuff, you were only 12 pounds."

"Oh, oops. What's the second reason?"

"You were fluffy, so at the time, 12 pounds felt like nothing at all. I mean, you were REALLY fluffy. Now…not so much."

"Aww, man! …Well...I guess I can do a better Body Slam now!"

We laughed for a bit before finally composing ourselves and standing back up. I glanced in the security camera video above the sliding-door entrance and noticed that we sort of looked like sisters. In fact, if you changed her eye color from bright green to brown (my eye color) and cut her exceedingly long hair down to shoulder-length, she would look exactly the same as I did when I was 10 years old. Yikes. I didn't know if that was creepy or awesome, but I didn't care. I had a job to do. With that, we started walking.

"Well, I guess I could teach you on my own, but…to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure where to begin…" I trailed off as a bookstore caught my eye. "Hang on…let's go in here first!"

"Okay…?"

It was quiet, just as it was supposed to be. But what really amazed me was the staggering selection of the place. Not only were there books on bookshelves 20 feet high, but there were also music CDs, iPod centers, movies that looked way more advanced than Blu-ray, and various medias I couldn't even begin to comprehend. What really captured my attention was the vast selection of what I believed to be e-books. I mean, these chips were tiny. According to the visualized instructions, it looked like you could press one down onto your passport card and wirelessly connect the information from the book to your card. This was useful if someone (like Amy Purima) couldn't read, as the card could play an audio recording of what page you opened the book to at the time. All this was possible only after you purchased it and had the protective covering removed, of course. I decided to use the nearby computer search engine and typed in, "How to Be Civilized."

"What are you doing?" she asked, a bit loud for the place.

"Shh! Be quiet! People are reading! I'm just going to check to see if they made a book on the subject," I said, putting a finger to my lips. If it weren't for the faint out-of-this-world music coming from the ceiling speakers, I could swear that sound carried in this place. Then the search engine displayed the results.

What do you know? They DID make a book with that exact title. And not just that; a hologram movie-type book at that, too.

As much as I would've liked to check out the manga section, I decided that the sooner I helped teach Amy Vee Purima to not make a fool of herself in this futuristic society, the better. After all, she looked like one of those stereotypical poor people dressed in supposedly filthy-looking rags in the midst of all these bling-bling rich-looking people with futuristic outfits that I couldn't even begin to describe. I mean, everyone was staring. As quickly as I could, I found two chips and a hard copy of the book itself, went up to the register, purchased them with my Galactic Federation Credits debit card, and got out of there, all while trying to obscure her from view. Heck, even I looked on the poor side compared to them.

I pressed the chips in each of our passport cards. It finished downloading after only a couple seconds. We turned to face the entire mall, opened the hard copy of the book, and with our cards ready to voice out the text from the book, we began.

Samus and Adam fly to the building that dominates the metropolis in the center of it all—the Galactic Federation headquarters. As they approach, they receive a radio transmission from the building.

Radio voice: Unidentified vessel, please transmit your identification. We are standing by.

She brings down the official circular panel with buttons that have special runes on them used for identification purposes, and types in the correct sequence.

Radio voice: Identification received. Welcome back, Samus. You are cleared for landing on parking deck 153-B-49. Have a nice day.

The radio turns off, and they park on the labeled deck in the corresponding section on the 153rd floor. Samus makes sure to connect the ship to the Galactic Federation's computer network so Adam can link with her remotely via any computer in the building. She then exits the ship and proceeds down the corridors she knows only too well. She reaches the mission advisor person, who has just finished typing information in on his giant monitor.

Mission advisor guy: Well done, Samus. We've confirmed that you successfully blew up the Space Pirate hideout on Planet XL-4KY's second moon. As such, here is your payment.

Samus: Thanks. Sorry I'm late.

He hands her 5,000 Federation credits as a reward for a job well done. Suddenly, a voice emits from the P.A. system.

Voice on P.A.: Samus Aran, please come to Commander Tierney's office. I repeat, Samus Aran, please come to Commander Tierney's office.

Samus: What could he want…?

Mission advisor guy: I dunno. Must be big. Find out and see.

She takes the high-speed elevator up to the 360th floor (there are 500 floors in total) and follows the corridors down to the guy's office. She enters through the automatic doors. Sitting at the desk in the enclosed room is Commander Tierney, a balding, 72-year-old man wearing an authoritative commander uniform. His eyes are sharp, and there's an undeniable gravitas to his being. Just his presence alone would be enough to really intimidate Team Pecha and me, but Samus is already used to dealing with powerful figures like him.

Commander Tierney (sternly): Sit down, Samus.

Samus detects a harder edge to his voice than usual and suddenly gets a little nervous. She sits down on the chair in front of his desk.

Commander Tierney: I'm not happy, Samus. NOT…HAPPY. Ask me why.

Samus: Why?

Commander Tierney: Why what? Be more specific, Samus.

Samus: Why are you unhappy?

Commander Tierney: I'll tell you why I'm unhappy. Your performance lately has become unacceptable. And considering that you're the finest bounty hunter we've ever had, that's saying something.

Samus: Unacceptable? But that mission I just completed, I—

He stands up and slams a pile of papers down in front of her on his desk. They're mission reports, with photos, too.

Commander Tierney: Mission number 35-44! We expected you to wipe out every last Metroid on Planet SR-388! But what did you do? You let one survive.

Samus: But it turned out to be a good thing that I—

Commander Tierney: Mission number 35-45! We expected you to rescue the last Metroid in the universe from the Space Pirates and bring it back alive! But what did you do? You let Mother Brain kill it.

That accusation cuts Samus to the core emotionally, but she doesn't let it show just how badly.

Samus (subdued): It was…out of my hands…

Commander Tierney: Mission number 35-80! We expected you to provide bodyguard services for our troops monitoring the environment of Planet SR-388. But what did you do? You let the X Parasites infect you, almost died, and nearly gave our medical technicians a heart attack trying to save your lousy hide.

Samus: (Wasn't that part of the mission, technically speaking? They did emerge as a result of the absence of Metroids. We know that now. So how was that a failure?)

Commander Tierney: Mission number 35-81! We expected you to exterminate every last X Parasite from the Biologic Space Labs research station! But what did you do? You not only failed, you entered the Restricted Zone, defied Galactic Federation orders to stay where you were, and co-conspirated with Adam Malkovich to crash the station into SR-388 below! Personally, I think that it's amazing that High Command let you back in at all.

Samus: Are you finished?

Commander Tierney: Not by a long shot. Mission number 35-82! We expected you to blow up the Space Pirates' hideout on Planet XL-4KY's second moon! Well…you did. But what else did you do?

Samus (paleing): What do you mean?

Commander Tierney: We've received intelligence that right afterwards, you made several detours to planets not part of the mission plan. And on those planets, you brought along some...stowaways. Furthermore, you dropped those stowaways right into the heart of Gaijin City.

Samus (getting nervous): And…? How did you come across this information?

Commander Tierney: I have my sources. Anyway, we have reason to believe that of the four stowaways you've picked up, no less than two of them emit unknown, latent, but exceedingly powerful energy particles.

Samus: H—how?

Commander Tierney: I fail to comprehend why a bounty hunter of your caliber would neglect to run a simple sterilization scan on each and every living being you bring into your ship. Perhaps you'd like to expose our civilians to deadly pandemics? High Command may turn a blind eye, but I simply cannot and will not continue to ignore your failures. Therefore, I am forced to hire replacements for you.

Samus (standing up): What do you mean?

Commander Tierney (also standing up, turning his head to the wall behind him): Tell her, boys.

The automatic doors to the left and right sides on the wall behind Commander Tierney open up to reveal…two Space Pirates, one from each door, coming out. The one on the left is taller and thinner, while the right one is shorter and fatter, but they're both rather disgusting and insect-like, complete with cyborg armor. They chuckle evilly as they swagger in.

Samus: *gasp*! Space Pirates! (What are THEY doing here?)

She instantly blasts them with the strongest power beams she can, but a force field suddenly materializes in front of them and bounces the beams back right onto her, knocking her down and taking out a significant chunk of her energy meter. They start laughing.

Zark (the left guy): LOL Whoa-ho! U sayin' dis iz teh uber-l33t bounty hunter dat totlly pwned Mother Brain?

Zork (the right guy): She don't look too l33t 2 me.

Commander Tierney: Samus Aran, I would like you to meet our newest bounty hunters, Zark and Zork. They will be your replacements.

Zork: Dat meens u jst got fired. F-I-R-D. ROFL LOL!

Samus (outraged): Wh—what are you doing? High Command never approved of this!

Commander Tierney: They have now.

Samus: I mean, Regulation 34.019 expressly prohibits enemies of the Galactic Federation from serving in—

Commander Tierney: Exactly. Enemies. But as of now, Space Pirates are no longer considered enemies anymore. That means that these fine gentlemen have the full protection of the Galactic Federation. And remember regulation 62.102? "The bodily harm of Galactic Federation employees and their respective affiliates is prohibited. Violators will receive a 10-day suspension and a recommendation for jail time."

Zark: Ooo...BURN!

Samus: I—I don't understand…I thought the Space Pirates were the Galactic Federation's #1 enemy…

Commander Tierney: They used to be. So did the Metroids. But guess what? We found that Metroids could be used for good, too. Only a certain someone let them go extinct…

Zark: He meens U, fool.

Zork: & dat's Y yer fired! F-I-R-D! U c?

Commander Tierney: These boys' first mission will be to correct the mess that you made. As of now, Samus Aran, your employment with us is terminated!

Samus: NO!

Commander Tierney: Of course, if you want to even have a chance at being hired again, I suggest you find your little stowaways and take them back to where they came from…before these boys do!

Zark: Better turn on dat Speed Booster of yer's!

Zork: Yeh, dat's right! We can totlly pwn & haxor dem n00bs faster den any l33t Space Pirate ever did.

Samus (crushed): This can't be happening…!

Zark: Is no nightmare, Sa-moose! Feel dis?

He shoots several laser beams at her, and Zork follows suit. Several of them land, and some of them are painful headshots. Samus is forced to flee from the room, with the meanie-butts' callous laughter in hot pursuit after her. (She can hear Zork say, "Sa-moose? Dat's a good 1! LOL!") After she escapes to safety in the elevator, Adam appears on the monitor in the elevator.

Adam: Samus! Samus, what's wrong? What just happened?

Samus: Adam…you—you're never…going to believe this…

Back in Commander Tierney's room, the three of them look at each other and grin evilly.

Commander Tierney: Good job, boys! We finally pwned teh has-been-famous-but-now-n00bish-accursed-bounty-hunter Samus Aran!

Zark and Zork: WOOT! WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!

All three: Muahahahahahahaha!

They continue laughing evilly. Meanwhile, behind them, there's a hidden room that only they know about. Inside the cramped chamber is a balding, 72-year-old man with his arms and legs in magnetic chains. He's lying on the ground, banging the wall with his head, and shouting. Wait a second…!

The real (!) Commander Tierney: Let me out! Let me out, you Space Pirate sons of a #?$!%! &!#?* it! *sigh*…How'd I get into this &%?$? "Constant vigilance" my $#!&, like that really helped! *%$#!

Sheesh…Language. Foulmouthed guy. They really should've muffled his mouth, too. But still! If that's the real Commander Tierney…then who the heck was that?

To be continued…

Coming up next: Who the heck WAS that, indeed. Too bad we didn't even know that was going on at the moment. But still! MORE meanie-butts? What's up with them? Guess we'll have to be on the lookout. Anyway, we've got other issues to worry about at the moment, such as finding our way around a confusing futuristic city! And since Samus is skipping out on this kind of job (she'd really do a lot better since she was raised by the Chozo all by herself), I guess it's up to me to teach Tarzan Girl—I mean, Amy Vee Purima the exciting art of…How to Be Civilized.